rambling

My grandma made a comment yesterday. She said “You’re not skinny anymore.” At first that comment really stung. It hurt. But I thought about it. I’m not skinny anymore. I’m strong and healthy and happy for the most part. When I was skinny what else was I? A shell of the person that I am. Skinny but miserable. Skinny but lost. Skinny but nothing else.

Now I am healthy and healthy is wonderful! I can walk and run and dance. I think about things OTHER than food. I enjoy waking up in the morning, I love my walks throughout the day, I look forward to my oatmeal at the end of the day. I wake up happy to be alive. I’m not skinny. I’m much more than being skinny. I’m alive.

People will make hurtful comments. But my grandma didn’t say that to make me upset. She said It because I WAS too thin and I WAS unhealthy. I was a size 0. But I was sickly. I was skin and bones. I was unhappy. I sucked the life out of everyone. Now I contribute to the world. I bring people joy instead of draining it out of them. I am living and I am a positive ray of energy.

So I’m not skinny anymore. SO WHAT??? Because really where did skinny get me? NOWHERE.

I found out today on Facebook that one of the horrible treatment centers I went to shut down. That program, Pacific Shores Hospital, left me sicker than ever before. I lost weight, I was tube fed… I was a mess. It is such a relief that they will no longer be mistreating more clients. It was a truly horrible place and I am SO glad it has shut down.

On my way home. It was a good trip, but I am VERY happy to be headed back to San Diego. It’s nice having somewhere to call home… somewhere I am actually happy to return to. I want my bed and my rats and my kitchen. I am going home.

Things are good. I’m very grateful. And I will be back in NOLA in June for my friend’s wedding. All good things. Slowly but surely things are falling into place. Baby steps.

Ready to go home

After a week it's official.. I am ready to go home! I had a nice time with my grandma but I am looking forward to having my own bed and my own kitchen and my own food. Overall it has been a good trip. I didn't have to eat nasty food or go through closets of clothes. I didn't have to eat things I didn't want. I got beignets and coffee and got to see my best friend. LOTS of good things to remember. But I will be very glad to get home.

I was thinking today about my blog. It seems silly sometimes to write about my life and I've been thinking about deleting it. I'll keep thinking.

Dinner is broccoli and carrots, and a veggie burger with avocado. Yummy.

Until later.

Slipping into old patterns

I've noticed that the past few days I've fallen into some old patterns, and I am not happy about it. The problem is I'm not eating enough to feel satisfied which leads to behaviors. Ugh. other than that I'm having a great trip! I love spending time with my grandma, yesterday with my friend was awesome. I am really enjoying myself.

Sorry I haven't written much. Just having lots of fun. And nobody really reads this blog so it's ok.

Hope you're all well!

Great day!!

Today was a lovely day. I spent the day with my best friend and it was SO nice to see her after a year and half. She is getting married in June so the first thing we did was taste wedding cakes! And then we had breakfast and hung out all day. It was really a nice day.

My friend is engaged and she has a new step daughter. It's complicated and I worry for her. But I know she will take care of herself. I worry that she is taking on too much. But she's strong.

I had a great day of eating and I feel good.
Not much else to report.

My day

Today has been a good day. I am exhausted but it was really nice! Woke up early and had coffee and breakfast, took a nap :) and then I got dressed and my grandma and I took the dogs out, and then went to the French quarter!! It was only 39 degrees today. BURRR. It was freezing cold. But we went out, took the ferry across the river, and went to the quarter. It was pretty quiet, which was nice. And guess what?? I ATE BEIGNETS! Beignets are kind of like a donut… just fried dough with lots of powdered sugar on top. They were hot and absolutely delicious, and had a cafe au lait on the side. Yum :) I can't believe I ate them and it felt good! normal eating is AWESOME. 

Tomorrow morning my best friend is picking me up and we are going to taste wedding cakes (she's getting married in June) and then we will spend the day together. I haven't seen her in over a year, and I get to meet her fiancee and new step daughter to be. I'm a little nervous about seeing her, to be honest, but excited as well. 

Now it's time to sit and relax and warm up!! And have dinner :) 

Happy Day!!

Food thoughts

I'm on vacation and out of my usual routine with food so I have to be flexible. And I'll admit it's hard. I did go grocery shopping to get some basic provisions but in general I'm having to step out of my comfort zone. And that's ok! I am eating. I'm really hungry so probably not eating enough to be honest. I will have my dinner soon and eat what I'm comfortable with. Maybe an omelette and baked potato, that's what I'm thinking. Something yummy and substantial and not my grandmas nasty cooking. Her food is AWFUL!! She made a Turkey breast today. It's overdone. And I don't eat turkey anymore. So I'm trying to avoid it. I'll see how long that lasts.

I know I need to listen to my hunger. I can trust my hunger. But that still scares me sometimes. Am I really hungry or is it my medications? Is it my mind? Is it anxiety? Sometimes I just don't know. But I do know. My stomach is growling and that means I'm hungry. I had a snack... Berries and carrot cake but it probably wasn't enough. I have to probe I can do this on my own... That I can go over my comfort zone. I can do this. Eating is essential. I will eat.

Off to make some dinner! I've already adjusted to the time zone change so it's dinner time! 

Happy eating :)

Ducky!!

Here's my baby :)