Disoriented

I have been lost for two weeks... Another one of my alters, Gail, has been writing and keeping up my blog. I'm really scared. I feel so lost and confused. I have also gained a ton of weight since I was last present, or thats how it seems. But I'm back and I'm ok.

I found out I won't be going to thanksgiving with my family and that I won't be taking part in family session. I'm devastated. I haven't spoken to my parents or sister for several days now... Feeling so lost.

I know this is confusing. It's reeeeealy confusing for me. But I'm back.

Off to school 

Motivated

I am more motivated than I've been in a while. Motivated to 100% get back to a healthy place. This morning has been a success! Breakfast was cinnamon toast with cream cheese, raspberries, and egg whites. And LOTS of coffee. And then snack was all bran with almond milk and blueberries. I kept it all down! YA! Not even an urge to purge today! Lunch will be a veggie sandwich. Trying to condense my foods as much as possible so I don't feel as full because that's a trigger for me.

There are have been some changes in my life. As I've written before on my blog, I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Well Abbi, our core, is not around right now. My name is Gail. I'm 19 years old, and I have taken over for Abbi for the time being. I know everything Abbi knows. I sound like Abbi. But Abbi needs help to be healthy right now.

I'm afraid that Abbi will fade away and leave the system. But I know she won't. I believe she will come back and be strong for us. For now, I am taking care of Rosie and Bee and all my other little parts that are in need of love and support. Alison, our eating disorder part, has also faded quite a bit. She is not as strong. Eating is going better. It's ok for Alison to "integrate" into Abbi.

I know this is all really confusing. It's confusing to me too. But I'm here and I'm getting back on track.
doing everything I can.

An update about my parts

As I've explained before I had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) which means that I have multiple. personalities. My personalities range from 2 - 21. They are part of me. I have gotten used to having them around. Things have been happening with my system though... big things. Parts integrating and growing up and switching. It's really confusing and kind of scary. I'll try to explain.

Polly, who was 7, was my protector part. She took care of my younger parts inside and came out pretty often when i was afraid or stressed or tired. She took over a lot and I let her because I was too weak to handle situations on my own. Well I took over and told Polly she didn't have to have so much responsibility. She's a little girl and I'm an adult and it's my job to protect the body. At first Polly was resistant. But then she got the picture.... now Polly and I nave integrated. She is no longer a separate part, she is part of me. I feel her, but we work together as one personality. It's scary and kind of sad. I miss having her. But we needed to integrate to protect the body and that's what we did. Polly is one with me. I'm sorry if this is confusing. I'm explaining in the only way I know how.

Now I have other parts coming out to protect me. One is Charlotte. She is 16-17 years old and has been very dangerous in the past. She took the overdose that almost killed me in January. But she has really turned things around. She is no longer suicidal and comes out to take care of things when she needs to. I trust her now and am not afraid that she will harm our body.

Alison, who is 14, has been pretty quiet since we started doing better with eating. She holds a lot of the eating disorder and now that we are eating it's really hard for her. I'm proud of her for doing a well as she is. She isn't coming out and sneaking around and purging, which is what she was doing before. She is doing a really good job.

Then there's Rosie, who has come out quite a bit this week. Rosie is 5, she used to be 4.... and she is very little and vulnerable. She comes out when I feel shame because I feel that she is more likable than I am. She is sweet and quiet... all the things I tried to be growing up. I guess part of me feels that when Rosie comes out people will see me as sweet and innocent again... I don't know. It's really confusing. I'm confused by all of it.

I have other parts. They don't come out much. But they are a part of me and I am grateful that I have them. They helped me to survive. I am here today because of my parts.

Today I am spending time with my parents. Should be nice... lunch, bike riding by the beach, maybe a trip to trader joes for some food ideas. I'm hanging in there.
Have a great Saturday!

About DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is an effect of severe trauma during early childhood, usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

What Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that's too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Real?

You may wonder if dissociative identity disorder is real. After all, understanding the development of multiple personalities is difficult, even for highly trained experts. But dissociative identity disorder does exist. It is the most severe and chronic manifestation of the dissociative disorders that cause multiple personalities.

Other types of dissociative disorders defined in the DSM-IV, the main psychiatry manual used to classify mental illnesses, include dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, and depersonalization disorder.

What Are the Symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person's behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there's also an inability to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, there are also highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with the person's split personality.

The "alters" or different identities have their own age, sex, or race. Each has his or her own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking. Sometimes the alters are imaginary people; sometimes they are animals. As each personality reveals itself and controls the individuals' behavior and thoughts, it's called "switching." Switching can take seconds to minutes to days. When under hypnosis, the person's different "alters" or identities may be very responsive to the therapist's requests.

Along with the dissociation and multiple or split personalities, people with dissociative disorders may experience any of the following symptoms:

• Depression
• Mood swings
• Suicidal tendencies
• Sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking)
• Anxiety, panic attacks, and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or "triggers")
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Compulsions and rituals
• Psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations)
• Eating disorders

Other symptoms of dissociative identity disorder may include headache, amnesia, time loss, trances, and "out of body experiences." Some people with dissociative disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed). As an example, someone with dissociative identity disorder may find themselves doing things they wouldn't normally do such as speeding, reckless driving, or stealing money from their employer or friend, yet they feel they are being compelled to do it. Some describe this feeling as being a passenger in their body rather than the driver. In other words, they truly believe they have no choice.

Home Inform YourselfAbout Mental Illness Mental Illnesses

|  |

|

Dissociative Identity Disorder

What is dissociative identity disorder (DID)?

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously referred to as multiple personality disorder, is a dissociative disorder involving a disturbance of identity in which two or more separate and distinct personality states (or identities) control an individual's behavior at different times. When under the control of one identity, a person is usually unable to remember some of the events that occurred while other personalities were in control. The different identities, referred to as alters, may exhibit differences in speech, mannerisms, attitudes, thoughts and gender orientation. The alters may even present physical differences, such as allergies, right-or-left handedness or the need for eyeglass prescriptions. These differences between alters are often quite striking.
A person living with DID may have as few as two alters or as many as 100. The average number is about 10. Often alters are stable over time, continuing to play specific roles in the person's life for years. Some alters may harbor aggressive tendencies, directed toward individuals in the person's environment or toward other alters within the person.
At the time a person living with DID first seeks professional help, he or she is usually not aware of their condition. A very common complaint in people affected by DID is episodes of amnesia, or time loss. These individuals may be unable to remember events in all or part of a proceeding time period. They may repeatedly encounter unfamiliar people who claim to know them, find themselves somewhere without knowing how they got there or find items that they don't remember purchasing among their possessions.

What are the symptoms of DID?

Often people living with DID are depressed or even suicidal and self-mutilation is common in this group. Approximately one-third of individuals affected complain of auditory or visual hallucinations.
While the causes are unknown, statistics show that DID occurs in 0.01 to 1 percent of the general population. DID is a serious mental illness that occurs across all ethnic groups and all income levels. It affects women nine times more than men.
In addition to experiencing separate identities, individuals living with DID may also experience many other symptoms. Some of these symptoms include:

• Depression.
• Suicidal tendencies.
• Anxiety, panic attacks.
• Alcohol and drug abuse.
• Confusion.
• Memory problems.
• Delusions.
• Headaches.
• Flashbacks.
• Eating disorders.
• Personality change.
• Selective loss of memory.
• Disorientation.

What does treatment for DID look like?

Treatment for DID consists primarily of psychotherapy with hypnosis. The therapist attempts to make contact with as many alters as possible and to understand their roles and functions in an individual’s life. In particular, the therapist seeks to form an effective relationship with any personalities that are responsible for violent or self-destructive behavior and to curb this behavior. The therapist aims to establish communication among the personality states and to find ones that have memories of traumatic events in an individual’s past. The goal of the therapist is to enable the individual to achieve breakdown of the patient's separate identities and their unification into a single identity.
Retrieving and dealing with memories of trauma is important for a person living with DID, because this disorder is believed to be triggered by physical or sexual abuse in childhood. Young children have a pronounced ability to dissociate and it is believed that those who are abused may learn to use dissociation as a defense. In effect, the child slips into a state of mind in which it seems that the abuse is not really occurring to him or her, but to somebody else. In time, such a child may begin to emotionally and cognitively split into alternate identities. Research has shown that the average age for the initial development of alters is 5.9 years old.
In individuals where dissociation is thought to be a symptom of another mental illness such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) orposttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), treatment of the primary cause is of upmost importance.
Children affected by DID may experience a great variety of symptoms, including depressive tendencies, anxiety, conduct problems, episodes of amnesia, difficulty paying attention in school and hallucinations. Often these children are misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia. By the time the child reaches adolescence, it is less difficult for a mental health professional to recognize the symptoms and make a diagnosis of DID.

What can a friend or family member do to help someone who lives with DID?

• Be informed. Learn all you can about DID.
• While a friend or family member can help and support a person living with DID, they need professional help to support their recovery process. You can help them locate a therapist who is trained and experienced in treating the condition and encourage them to attend therapy appointments regularly.
• Agree to attend a therapy appointment with your loved one, if he or she is open to it. The therapist can give you some more information about DID and help you find additional ways to help.
• If your friend or loved one living with DID “switches” to another alter, they may sound and act differently and this change can be abrupt. They may not know who you are. Introduce yourself if they don't know you and offer reassurance if they are frightened.
• Peer support is vitally important to many who live with mental illness. Therefore, you can encourage your loved one to join a support group for people living with DID or a peer support group for people living with mental illness, such as NAMI Connection Recovery Support Groups.
• Be aware of signs that your loved one might be at risk for suicide as this is not uncommon for someone affected by DID. If you think they may be at risk for harming themselves, call the Suicide Hotline at 1(800) 273-TALK, get them professional help as soon as possible or take them to the nearest emergency room.
• Be willing to simply listen if your loved one wants to talk. Listening without interruption and without judging when your friend or loved one wants to talk is extremely helpful. You don’t need to try to solve their problems; just listen.

A little about our parts

Well I explained in the first post that I have DID, or dissociative identity disorder. It's a complicated illness, as my brain seems to have split into pieces - 13 or so. Even I'm not used to having parts. I have constant chaos in my head, constant chattering, and when other parts of me come to the front, I act as though I am different person all together. I have large gaps of time where I don't remember what's happening because my other parts are "fronting" or speaking for me.
Some days I have having parts - it feels complicated. I just want to be a normal 21 year old. But I am very grateful that I have my parts. They protected my mind when I was being abused as a child. Without my parts I may not have been able to survive. And I did survive. So I am grateful.
It's kind of like having little sisters, I guess (And a brother), and I get annoyed with my parts. I also have parts who are destructive and suicidal and it makes life difficult. A few months ago, one of my parts took a lethal overdose. That was scary. And one of my parts does not do well with eating, and another part cuts. It's all very overwhelming.
Let me introduce you to all my "selves." My beautiful little system.

Nina: 2 years old. Don't know much about her

Arielle and Gabriella: 3-4 years old

Rosie: 4 years old - very sweet and quiet, but sad and tearful most of the time. Loves dolls and coloring. 

Polly: My interior protector, who comes to the front quite often. Very spunky and sweet, and a cockeyed optimist. I think her name came from the book "Pollyanna" as she is always playing the "Glad game." I love polly and most people love her too. She is the part of myself that I am proud of. 

Bee: An angry little girl - cuts and self harms, and often cries. Not much comforts her. She is one of the girl I am trying to care for and soothe right now. I wish I could get to her and help her feel better. She is in a very dark place right now. 

Rose: 8 years old, another helpful part, usually in a good mood and cheerful. Doesn't come to the front much.

Boy: Don't know much about boy, other than that he's 11 and plays the piano.
Kate and Samantha: 11 years old, quiet, and very scared. Don't come out much.
Alison: 14 and suffering from a severe eating disorder. Poor girl is giving the whole system a very hard time with eating. But we are trying hard to work with her, let her talk, trying to understand why she is so unhappy and needs to harm the body the way that she does.

Charlotte: very sad, very angry, really struggling. She took the overdose a few months ago. Poor girl is miserable, and i am trying desperately to reach her. She scares me, but I love her and want her to know I care. 

Then there's "Nobody" an older and younger version. Not sure what their role is. confusing I know. 

That's a little about me and my parts. 

Good night everyone. Sleep well. 

Welcome to my blog

If you've found this site, welcome.

I've never done anything like this before. And I doubt anyone will read or follow, but blogging sounds like a good hobby and pastime. 

My life is complicated. So I'll give a brief introduction.

My name is Abbi - I'm 21 years old. I live in sunny San Diego, California. I don't really like it here - but it is what it is. 

I'm in recovery. I've struggled with anorexia since I was 11 and bulimia since I was 16. I am trying desperately to gain weight and get in recovery. My journey has been long and difficult. 

I have dissociative identity disorder - DID. Formerly known as multiple personality disorder. So I often talk in "we" because there is more than one of me. It's complicated I know - I'll explain more later. 

I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Life has been hard. I've had many suicide attempts, many hospitalization, I've been in many programs. I emancipated from my family when I was 16, moved out and lived on my own. I'm currently in treatment for my eating disorders, depression, and DID at Hanbleceya - a therapeutic community in San Diego. 

On a brighter note - I LOVE music. Music is a part of me. I play flute, guitar, piano, and I'm a singer. I don't know what I'd do without my music. 

And I love animals - all animals. I have a kitty who lives with my grandma, her name is Ducky. She is the love of my life. And two rats, Drew and Annie who are very sweet and I love dearly. I also love kids - especially preschoolers. 

I want to go back to college and become a social worker - to help others.

There's a little bit about me, us. 

This is our journey and our story.