Meltdown

Tonight we had a meltdown. I say "we" because it was another one of my parts (personalities) who had the meltdown.

There is a new client at our program who is very very thin and claims to have DID like us. We became very irrational after hearing this news... Our fear was that we are not thin and not sick enough to deserve care and attention from our therapists. We wanted, for a brief moment, to look like this woman. Silly right? I think yes.

I am strong. I am healthy. I am independent. I can walk and run and skip and jump. I can eat without purging and falling apart. I am trusted to be on my own. I am not sick. I am healthy. And that is a GOOD thing!!! Healthy is a GOOD. Being healthy does not mean I am unloved or unwanted. I am loved even as a healthy young woman.:: in fact I think I am loved even more because I'm healthy. People can care about me without worrying that I'm going to collapse or just die. I am alive. And I want to be alive.

An enormous part of me wanted to skip dinner tonight, and I'll admit we didn't eat quite the amount we needed to. But we did eat. And tonight we will have a snack and move forward. I am strong. I am healthy. Healthy = happy and I want to be happy.

I am not letting a meltdown bring me down. I am stronger than that. I am a warrior, I am brave. I am still fighting.

Morning meltdown

Yesterday was hard. And this morning was hard. I had a total sobbing meltdown. I just felt so overwhelmed, and tired, and frustrated. I had made plans with a friend and my treatment program got in the way, and I just was feeling really angry and fed up. I called one of the therapists (who I'm really mad at) and she assured me that she doesn't dislike me like I thought.... she said she likes me and wants me to do well, which is the reason she was so tough on me yesterday in group. She really picked on me and I felt that she was angry with me... she said she was angry but not with me, she was angry at the group for not giving me feedback. I cleared things up with her. She's just a tough therapist to work with.

After petco today I went to the mall and target with a friend. It was nice. We walked around, looked at clothes and cosmetics, and then had lunch at Panera. My food was alright I guess... I had a salad and an apple and a little bit of black bean soup which I didn't really like. I also forgot my snack this morning so I grabbed it when I got home. I will need to add some food to my day I think as lunch was really light.

Trying to push through discomfort. Things just suck some days. That doesn't mean I need to fall apart. I am strong. I am resilient. Things will be better later.

Keep fighting.

Day of tears

It's been a day of crying... starting around 12 and until 4. Sobbing.
I am feeling out of control... guilty, ashamed, ugly, disgusting, horrible. I put on my new dress this morning and it looks good! I feel comfortable in it, it's really pretty - a cool neckline/straps and a floral design. I was feeling good.

And then I had therapy, and it was hard... we are talking about a lot of tough stuff right now related to my body and abuse and trauma. It set me off, especially when my therapist told me I am getting close to my goal weight. And then I found out that my dietician is leaving on vacation for two weeks! What if I reach my goal weight and she's not here to lower my meal plan??? I talked to her and she assured me I would get weighed at my regular times, and that my doctor will adjust my meal plan accordingly. But I am panicking. On one hand I feel good about my body. I'm stronger, I'm not dizzy, I have energy. On the other hand I am bloated and puffy, my stomach sticks out, my thighs are bigger, my arms are bigger. Everything is bigger. And it does not feel good.

So how will I "self soothe?" All I want to do is restrict and purge. I thought about purging before getting weighed but I resisted. The urge is STRONG though, and I'm afraid of slipping backwards... it would be so easy. Nobody is watching me after meals, I could easily get away with purging. But how would that help me??? It wouldn't.
I have things to look forward to.

I'm really sorry if I keep repeating myself in these posts. I just have to keep telling myself over and over and OVER that this pain and agony will be worth it in the end.... there are good things coming my way if I can just get healthy. So many good things.

Part of me feels that once I am at a healthy weight nobody will care about me anymore. That I won't get the same care and attention, that I will be overlooked. Which is silly, because once I am healthy I can do the hard work that I need to to truly heal. My therapists have told me they won't give up on me, I guess I just have trouble believing them. In previous treatment I've reached a healthy weight and then been booted out of the program. I'm assured that won't happen here, but I can't help but be afraid. I've been sick for so long.... it's scary to think about being healthy. Not being the "sick one" is foreign to me. But being healthy HAS to be better than being sick, right?

I wish someone would assure me that everything is going to be ok.... I just feel so hopeless right now. I want to refuse dinner, but will that get me anywhere? Will that get me into regular housing? NO. Absolutely not. Which is why I will eat dinner. And snack. And move on with my life.
Just have to keep pushing forward. Forward, it's the only way to go.

Destination: HEALTHY

Meltdown

One of my housemates is an older woman, set in her ways, pretty bitter . She makes constant mean comments about my food - about how much I'm eating. I realize I eat a lot. But it's what my body needs right now. I know I should ignore her comments but they just really hurt my feelings. Makes me want to cry.
"Oooooh you eat so much!" "How could someone eat so much?" "I could never eat all that!"
You get the point.

So after a total meltdown, switching to much younger parts, and trying to get out the door to go to the store to buy binge foods and laxatives, I have calmed down. Why do I allow people to get to me in that way? Yes, I'm eating a lot. No, it's not too much. Yes, it's what my body needs. Yes, it's temporary. No, I'm not a fat pig. Yes, I am doing the right thing. I should KNOW these things. Instead my mind goes to very dark places... that I don't deserve to eat. That I'm worthless. That I have no friends. That I'm stupid and ugly and a waste of space... that our suicide attempt should have worked.

It's sad that I get in this space. And it's my younger parts that go there. Poor Polly, who's seven years old, feels that she is ugly and shouldn't be alive. No seven year old should feel such things. Nobody should feel those things.

So how do I pick myself back up from here? Well I ate dinner, followed through with my meal plan, and that's step one. Step two will be eating snack tonight. Another step, which we did, is reaching out for support. We were honest that we wanted to go to the store instead of just sneaking out. As much as we want to be destructive, we also want to stay on the right path and do the right thing.
And doing the right thing, right now, feels really uncomfortable. Let's face it NO ONE wants to gain weight and go through the process of clothes not fitting, feeling bloated and swollen.. it's miserable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So we will listen to music from Frozen to cheer us up. Cuddle stuffed animals - as silly as it sounds, it's comforting for my younger parts. Maybe read some books we got from the library, maybe just watch a funny TV show. We will take care of the body... as much as we want to bang our head and bite our arms we will stay safe. Stay on the right track.
Because we do deserve to get healthy.
Every person deserves to be healthy.

Never stop fighting.