This morning for breakfast I am treating myself to a chai tea latte at starbucks. I'm SUPER excited. It is warm and delicious and I can't wait.
Yesterday was hard. I kind of fell off the bandwagon the end of the day, but I am back on track today. I will not allow one bad afternoon to get in my way. I am moving forward. I can do this. Today is a new day. I get weighed this morning… and for some reason getting weighed is a HUGE deal for me. But my weight does not define me. I am not my weight. My dietician will not judge me based on my weight… sorry to repeat myself I'm just trying to burn that thought into my brain. I AM NOT MY WEIGHT!! End of story. Ugh this is so hard. I wish it didn't matter. I wish it wasn't a big deal… but it is right now. I am trying to tell myself it's not important. My clothes fit fine. I'm a little puffy. But it's ok. I'm ok.
I will enjoy my Starbucks drink and have my snack and I packed lunch for a group activity. I can do this. I will have a good day.
My thanksgiving was stressful… how was yours??
Happy Friday!
Showing posts with label weigh in. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weigh in. Show all posts
Friday, November 28, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Happy Friday!
Today is Friday! YAY! Finally going to have some days off. I have a huge school project to complete but I am sure I will get it done. I jus have to get into the right mode and then I can get tons of work done. Maybe later today, maybe tomorrow. It will happen though.
Today I am seeing my dietician. I am going to have lunch with her, and I hope she can inspire me and give me some words of wisdom. She is so patient with me. I am a pain in the ass!!!! I have to get weighed… but I'm pretty sure my weight is ok. I have been eating. Maybe not quite enough, but I feel as though my weight has maintained. I guess we will see.
This morning I am playing with kitties… great way to get my mind off things. I missed the kitties last week because I was in the hospital so I'm looking forward to some kitty love!!
HAPPY FRIDAY!
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Giving up control
I am giving up control. It's time. I am no longer going to lie or cheat or manipulate. Usually on weigh days I eat very little and drink nothing to weigh as little as possible. I'm done with this nonsense. Tomorrow morning I will drink my coffee because I enjoy it and it wakes me up, and I will have my breakfast at school. I will eat a full lunch, not a half-assed sandwich, and I will get weighed, and I will survive. So what if my weight is up a pound or two in water weight? Who cares?? I don't want to care anymore. I want to live. And I don't want to put my life on hold on Mondays and Fridays when I get weighed. It just isn't that important. And it isn't the end of the world. I think this will take a lot of stress out of my week.
I called the therapist on call to get some advise, as today has been hard. I will eat dinner and continue on with my day. I deserve to eat and be nourished. I deserve to be happy and feel ok after eating, and I deserve to keep the food down. I am strong.
Sorry for all the posts today... I'm just trying to write myself out of some poor decisious. Thanks for reading and hopefully my insight can help you. All I want to do is help.
Believe in yourself.
I called the therapist on call to get some advise, as today has been hard. I will eat dinner and continue on with my day. I deserve to eat and be nourished. I deserve to be happy and feel ok after eating, and I deserve to keep the food down. I am strong.
Sorry for all the posts today... I'm just trying to write myself out of some poor decisious. Thanks for reading and hopefully my insight can help you. All I want to do is help.
Believe in yourself.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Made progress
Today has been hectic. I was really tired because I didn't have any coffee so I felt like I was falling asleep in class. I came home and crashed for a while actually, which felt nice. Then I had groups.
My first group was nutrition group and I get weighed before that group. The result... I have made a little progress, which means I have gained some. Surprisingly I'm ok with this. My clothes look no different. My body looks no different. And no changes to my meal plan which is nice. Hopefully soon I can get my meal plan lowered and feel more normal around eating!
The other groups I had were lame... Roles and relationships group where we were assigned a research project about birds. I have no idea why! Seems really silly to me. And then process group where nobody really says anything. It's just crickets and the therapists sitting with us in silence. Lame.
Our kitchen is being redone this week so everything is kind of hectic. Lots of strange men in the house, lots of noise, and everything has been rearranged. We have to pack our lunches in the morning because we can't use the kitchen during the day. Hopefully the kitchen turns out really nice and it will be worth it!
I have my rats in my room and they are just so sweet. It makes me happy to have furry friends to talk to. They were sleeping in their hammock today looking very peaceful. I'll post pictures if I can get some! They are really fast.
I'll try to post more later. Have a nice evening!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Getting my pets today!
I am so excited because today I am getting my pet rats, Drew and Annie (I named them after Cinderella's stepsisters, Drusilla and Anastasia). Before you think "eww gross rats" I will tell you that rats make really nice pets! They are very sweet and gentle, they are litter box trained, they know their names, they like to play and cuddle... really they are like little dogs with ratty tails. The tails can be a little unappealing, but it's not their fault that they have creepy tails. They are good pets. It will be really nice to have some furry friends to take care. There's something about taking care of a pet that is therapeutic. They rely on you to get food and water and care, and you really have to think about their needs first.
My mom and sister are going to bring the rats and then we will go out for coffee or frozen yogurt. Yum! It's really hot today, so a cold drink or yogurt sounds really good. I will see what my sister wants to do. Last time we did Starbucks so maybe the yogurt shop today!
For lunch I had left over fettuccni alfredo from the other day with my dietician, and it tasted pretty good. I also had a nectarine and carrots. Now I'm nice and full. Which is good. Weigh in tomorrow and my dietician said if my weight's not up we will increase my meal plan.. hopefully that won't happen. I am conflicted about the whole situation. If my weight is up I'll be upset. If I get a meal plan increase I'll be upset... basically no solution will make me happy. I will just have to deal with the uncomfortableness of either decision. I will survive!
My mom and sister are going to bring the rats and then we will go out for coffee or frozen yogurt. Yum! It's really hot today, so a cold drink or yogurt sounds really good. I will see what my sister wants to do. Last time we did Starbucks so maybe the yogurt shop today!
For lunch I had left over fettuccni alfredo from the other day with my dietician, and it tasted pretty good. I also had a nectarine and carrots. Now I'm nice and full. Which is good. Weigh in tomorrow and my dietician said if my weight's not up we will increase my meal plan.. hopefully that won't happen. I am conflicted about the whole situation. If my weight is up I'll be upset. If I get a meal plan increase I'll be upset... basically no solution will make me happy. I will just have to deal with the uncomfortableness of either decision. I will survive!
Friday, August 29, 2014
A world of triggers
Possible trigger warning...
Today I was working with the kitties at petco. I work with a few other nice ladies, we all love cats, it's a great environment. On the cart, there is a big jar of jelly beans for all the volunteers. One of the volunteers, a woman maybe in her late 20s, said "Give me red and pink jelly beans, I haven't had anything 'bad' in weeks." She then proceeded to tell us she had only eaten 800 calories a day for three weeks. That she was beyond hungry. That she had passed out at the gym the other way. She is a beautiful young woman, and she said "I am grossly overweight." and then talked about what weight she feels most comfortable in. I was thrown off. I didn't know what to say.
I spoke up. I said that eating 800 calories a day is really unhealthy and that she should see a dietician. She said she's been in eating disorder treatment and that she saw a dietician for two years, and that she is restricting so heavily in order to avoid binging and purging. I feel very sad for her. She's a beautiful girl. It gives a hard blow, the reality that people in the world really do struggle with eating. It's not just in treatment, it's everywhere. People really struggle. And it breaks my heart.
I got out my snack; granola bar and string cheese. This girl laughed and said that I'm a "creature of habit" as I bring a string cheese and granola bar with me every week to petco. I find that if I skip snack or even eat it late, I get so hungry and shaky, and being hungry and shaky for me is risky and definitely sets me up to have behaviors like binging or purging. I nibbled on my snack hoping that the other women wouldn't say anything. I tried laughing while she laughed, but the thing is eating still makes me embarrassed. I wish I didn't have to eat in front of people sometimes. I wish I wasn't embarrassed to eat.
I think I handled the situation pretty well. I didn't fall apart or share too much about myself. I was strong with my response that this girl needs help, and I told her that I really am concerned about her health. I hope she gets the help she deserves. Basically, the world is full of triggers. People are triggering. I am learning to handle these everyday interactions. It will just make me a stronger person.
I saw my dietician this afternoon. And guess what? My meal plan is staying the same. No decreases. My body is doing really well on this meal plan. It's a LOT of food. But it's what I need right now. This is what I need. I'm not at my goal weight yet. I will get there. Sigh. Powering through.
Today I was working with the kitties at petco. I work with a few other nice ladies, we all love cats, it's a great environment. On the cart, there is a big jar of jelly beans for all the volunteers. One of the volunteers, a woman maybe in her late 20s, said "Give me red and pink jelly beans, I haven't had anything 'bad' in weeks." She then proceeded to tell us she had only eaten 800 calories a day for three weeks. That she was beyond hungry. That she had passed out at the gym the other way. She is a beautiful young woman, and she said "I am grossly overweight." and then talked about what weight she feels most comfortable in. I was thrown off. I didn't know what to say.
I spoke up. I said that eating 800 calories a day is really unhealthy and that she should see a dietician. She said she's been in eating disorder treatment and that she saw a dietician for two years, and that she is restricting so heavily in order to avoid binging and purging. I feel very sad for her. She's a beautiful girl. It gives a hard blow, the reality that people in the world really do struggle with eating. It's not just in treatment, it's everywhere. People really struggle. And it breaks my heart.
I got out my snack; granola bar and string cheese. This girl laughed and said that I'm a "creature of habit" as I bring a string cheese and granola bar with me every week to petco. I find that if I skip snack or even eat it late, I get so hungry and shaky, and being hungry and shaky for me is risky and definitely sets me up to have behaviors like binging or purging. I nibbled on my snack hoping that the other women wouldn't say anything. I tried laughing while she laughed, but the thing is eating still makes me embarrassed. I wish I didn't have to eat in front of people sometimes. I wish I wasn't embarrassed to eat.
I think I handled the situation pretty well. I didn't fall apart or share too much about myself. I was strong with my response that this girl needs help, and I told her that I really am concerned about her health. I hope she gets the help she deserves. Basically, the world is full of triggers. People are triggering. I am learning to handle these everyday interactions. It will just make me a stronger person.
I saw my dietician this afternoon. And guess what? My meal plan is staying the same. No decreases. My body is doing really well on this meal plan. It's a LOT of food. But it's what I need right now. This is what I need. I'm not at my goal weight yet. I will get there. Sigh. Powering through.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Anxiety
I'm feeling anxiety about having to get weighed tomorrow. For the past two days I have followed my meal plan and not counted calories, so I have no idea how many calories I'm eating. I just decided I needed to give up the control and follow the meal plan my dietician has given me. She's promised me that as soon as my meal plan needs to be lowered she will lower it. I just have trouble with the fact that my dietician knows what's happening with my body (specifically my weight) and I don't. I feel like I want to know what's happening with my own body, and handing that responsibility over to my dietician is hard.
So I will step on the scale. And there will be a number. A number I don't know.... And I don't need to know because that number does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It does not change me or make me a bad person. My weight is my gravitational pull on the earth. That's all it is. I am not my weight. I am not a number. So getting weighed should be no biggie.
I feel proud/anxious about the fact that I'm doing the right thing. I am eating, and that is good. But the feelings are mixed. At times eating feels really wrong. It feels like the opposite of what I need to be doing, even though logically I do know eating is a good thing. I just wish eating didn't have such an effect on me. I'm working on it. Some day those numbers won't matter. None of them. The calories, the weight.. it just won't phase me. I can't wait for that day. I'll get there.
Night snack today... the usual :) Toast with sunflower butter, banana, and hot cocoa. :) Mmmmmm. I deserve to enjoy my food. All people do. YOU DESERVE TO EAT. Never stop fighting. We will get there; baby steps.
So I will step on the scale. And there will be a number. A number I don't know.... And I don't need to know because that number does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It does not change me or make me a bad person. My weight is my gravitational pull on the earth. That's all it is. I am not my weight. I am not a number. So getting weighed should be no biggie.
I feel proud/anxious about the fact that I'm doing the right thing. I am eating, and that is good. But the feelings are mixed. At times eating feels really wrong. It feels like the opposite of what I need to be doing, even though logically I do know eating is a good thing. I just wish eating didn't have such an effect on me. I'm working on it. Some day those numbers won't matter. None of them. The calories, the weight.. it just won't phase me. I can't wait for that day. I'll get there.
Night snack today... the usual :) Toast with sunflower butter, banana, and hot cocoa. :) Mmmmmm. I deserve to enjoy my food. All people do. YOU DESERVE TO EAT. Never stop fighting. We will get there; baby steps.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Still under-cutting
Today I have not eaten everything I need to. You must be tired of hearing me say this. "I've cut corners." "I haven't had enough." Well I haven't. And I FEEL it because I'm hungry. If I was eating everything on my meal plan I would not be hungry. But I'm hungry.
I'll go through my day.
Had my mini chia seed pudding :) And then went for a walk/run 30 minutes
Breakfast: Oatmeal made with 1/2 cup of soy milk instead of a whole cup, 1/4 cup of blueberries instead of a cup, 1/4 cup almonds (all of them)
Snack: 3/4 cup All Bran cereal instead of a cup, 3/4 cup soy milk instead of a whole cup, 1/2 banana
Lunch: Subway sandwich; turkey and veggies. No cheese. No fats. Apples on the side
Snack: Peach, 1 cup special K cereal instead of 2 cups, 1 string cheese
Dinner: Spaghetti with a little tomato sauce, and steamed carrots.. There were only beef meatballs, which I don't eat, so I didn't get any protein. :(
Walked for 1 hour and ten minutes.
Snack 1: Big bowl of steamed carrots with salt, pepper, and garlic powder
Getting ready to have my night snack in a little while.
I just haven't gotten in enough today. I feel it. And I get weighed tomorrow. Part of me wants to cheat my weight, just to get to my "goal weight" and be done with the whole thing. But the other part of me wants to be honest. I need to be honest, or I will get nowhere. I think I need to gain about 3 pounds. I could drink a bottle of water or two and get there. But I am done lying and cheating. I will be honest.
My dietician and I are going to the mall food court for lunch as a challenge. Not sure what I'll get. And I am going out to dinner tomorrow night! Lots of challenges.
But I can do this. Too many good things going to give up now.
FIGHTING HARD.
I'll go through my day.
Had my mini chia seed pudding :) And then went for a walk/run 30 minutes
Breakfast: Oatmeal made with 1/2 cup of soy milk instead of a whole cup, 1/4 cup of blueberries instead of a cup, 1/4 cup almonds (all of them)
Snack: 3/4 cup All Bran cereal instead of a cup, 3/4 cup soy milk instead of a whole cup, 1/2 banana
Lunch: Subway sandwich; turkey and veggies. No cheese. No fats. Apples on the side
Snack: Peach, 1 cup special K cereal instead of 2 cups, 1 string cheese
Dinner: Spaghetti with a little tomato sauce, and steamed carrots.. There were only beef meatballs, which I don't eat, so I didn't get any protein. :(
Walked for 1 hour and ten minutes.
Snack 1: Big bowl of steamed carrots with salt, pepper, and garlic powder
Getting ready to have my night snack in a little while.
I just haven't gotten in enough today. I feel it. And I get weighed tomorrow. Part of me wants to cheat my weight, just to get to my "goal weight" and be done with the whole thing. But the other part of me wants to be honest. I need to be honest, or I will get nowhere. I think I need to gain about 3 pounds. I could drink a bottle of water or two and get there. But I am done lying and cheating. I will be honest.
My dietician and I are going to the mall food court for lunch as a challenge. Not sure what I'll get. And I am going out to dinner tomorrow night! Lots of challenges.
But I can do this. Too many good things going to give up now.
FIGHTING HARD.
Monday, July 28, 2014
I just need more
My dietician didn't tell me my weight... but I was honest about how I've done with eating over the past few days and the amount of walking I've been doing, and her response: I need more food.
It's frustrating because I feel that I am eating so much already, but the truth is it's my body, it's different from everyone else's and I need more! It's not a bad thing, or a flaw or defect, it's just a fact. If I want to walk and be active I need to eat.
So today I need to add in a few fats, a few proteins, a few starches... maybe I'll just down another ensure haha. But I can do this. I know I can. I have done this before. And you know what?? I DESERVE to eat and enjoy what I am eating! I deserve to be healthy and feel good.
Tonight for dinner is macaroni and cheese (ugh) and I'd rather not touch it, but I will eat it. It's good for my body and it's nutritious and maybe it will even taste good? Who knows until I try!
Today one of my housemates moved into independent housing... I'm happy for him but also really jealous. I want to move out! So badly! I'm working so hard!! I will get there. The waiting process just sucks. Tomorrow I see one of my therapists, who always seems to make me think hard about things (and makes me cry haha) and I will talk to her about the next steps with my treatment. I am glad I have fewer rules now, I am able to walk and go places on my own, but I REALLY want some more independence.
I'll get there.
For now, lots of food. And I've made a commitment, NO MORE calorie counting on my phone. I don't have My Fitness Pal anymore, I already know the calories to all the foods I eat, I just use my calculator. But I am going to make a conscious effort NOT to calorie count at all. It just isn't healthy. It is not something someone in recovery should be doing. So goodbye calorie counting!
Baby steps.
Getting weighed today
In about 30 minutes I will be weighed by my dietician. This always makes me nervous and kind of a mess, as NO matter what I am unhappy with the results. I'm sad if my weight is down, devastated (sometimes) when my weight is up, and just unsatisfied when it's the same.
I'll admit... I've been cutting corners the past week. Especially this weekend. Cutting out mostly fats but also starches and proteins. I know I need to be eating everything on my meal plan, but something inside me is still fighting against being healthy. And it's REALLY frustrating! Like with the brownies last night I was determined to eat one, and the time came around and I just couldn't bring myself to eat the treat. I walked a few miles yesterday at a fast pace, and did not make up for it with extra food, when i know I should have... I'm only supposed to walk 30 minutes 5 times a week and it's been much more than that, more like an hour a day especially over the weekend.
I'm in this stage of kind of being recovery and then also not fully plunged into the recovery process. I am still holding back somewhat, and I don't know why. With all my heart I want to be healthy... it's just my mind that gets in the way. All I want is to be able to make brownies and eat them, enjoy one or two. I want to walk because it feels good and not to burn off what I've eaten. I want to not worry about what I weigh, and be ok no matter what, and adjust my eating accordingly. I want to be able to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and not measure everything out obsessively. I want freedom. I'm just not there yet.
What do I need to do to fully immerse myself in recovery? Is it possible to really be recovered or will these thoughts always kind of lurk in the back of my mind? How long will it take? A month, a year, ten years?? So many questions and no answers.
I will be weighed and that number does NOT define me. No matter what the scale says I am a good person who deserves to be happy.
Your weight does NOT define you.
Stay strong.
I'll admit... I've been cutting corners the past week. Especially this weekend. Cutting out mostly fats but also starches and proteins. I know I need to be eating everything on my meal plan, but something inside me is still fighting against being healthy. And it's REALLY frustrating! Like with the brownies last night I was determined to eat one, and the time came around and I just couldn't bring myself to eat the treat. I walked a few miles yesterday at a fast pace, and did not make up for it with extra food, when i know I should have... I'm only supposed to walk 30 minutes 5 times a week and it's been much more than that, more like an hour a day especially over the weekend.
I'm in this stage of kind of being recovery and then also not fully plunged into the recovery process. I am still holding back somewhat, and I don't know why. With all my heart I want to be healthy... it's just my mind that gets in the way. All I want is to be able to make brownies and eat them, enjoy one or two. I want to walk because it feels good and not to burn off what I've eaten. I want to not worry about what I weigh, and be ok no matter what, and adjust my eating accordingly. I want to be able to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and not measure everything out obsessively. I want freedom. I'm just not there yet.
What do I need to do to fully immerse myself in recovery? Is it possible to really be recovered or will these thoughts always kind of lurk in the back of my mind? How long will it take? A month, a year, ten years?? So many questions and no answers.
I will be weighed and that number does NOT define me. No matter what the scale says I am a good person who deserves to be happy.
Your weight does NOT define you.
Stay strong.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Weight and Starbucks
Today is weigh day! Fun? I think not. But I got my weight over with right after breakfast. My dietician is out of town so another staff is weighing me. Which is fine. Part of me is embarrassed that this staff knows my weight but I know she won't judge me. Anyway. It's done.
As a treat I got myself Starbucks!! Soy misto with sugar free mocha syrup! And I had a free drink that I used so it tastes even better!!! Chocolaty and warm. Our house is freezing right now because someone left the air on, so I am bundled up! It's warmer outside but gloomy... Where's the sun?
Looking forward to a successful, peaceful day. A few groups, hanging out with some peers, hopefully getting ready to move out soon!! I can't wait for more freedom!
Have a lovely day :)
Monday, July 7, 2014
Day of tears
It's been a day of crying... starting around 12 and until 4. Sobbing.
I am feeling out of control... guilty, ashamed, ugly, disgusting, horrible. I put on my new dress this morning and it looks good! I feel comfortable in it, it's really pretty - a cool neckline/straps and a floral design. I was feeling good.
And then I had therapy, and it was hard... we are talking about a lot of tough stuff right now related to my body and abuse and trauma. It set me off, especially when my therapist told me I am getting close to my goal weight. And then I found out that my dietician is leaving on vacation for two weeks! What if I reach my goal weight and she's not here to lower my meal plan??? I talked to her and she assured me I would get weighed at my regular times, and that my doctor will adjust my meal plan accordingly. But I am panicking. On one hand I feel good about my body. I'm stronger, I'm not dizzy, I have energy. On the other hand I am bloated and puffy, my stomach sticks out, my thighs are bigger, my arms are bigger. Everything is bigger. And it does not feel good.
So how will I "self soothe?" All I want to do is restrict and purge. I thought about purging before getting weighed but I resisted. The urge is STRONG though, and I'm afraid of slipping backwards... it would be so easy. Nobody is watching me after meals, I could easily get away with purging. But how would that help me??? It wouldn't.
I have things to look forward to.
I'm really sorry if I keep repeating myself in these posts. I just have to keep telling myself over and over and OVER that this pain and agony will be worth it in the end.... there are good things coming my way if I can just get healthy. So many good things.
Part of me feels that once I am at a healthy weight nobody will care about me anymore. That I won't get the same care and attention, that I will be overlooked. Which is silly, because once I am healthy I can do the hard work that I need to to truly heal. My therapists have told me they won't give up on me, I guess I just have trouble believing them. In previous treatment I've reached a healthy weight and then been booted out of the program. I'm assured that won't happen here, but I can't help but be afraid. I've been sick for so long.... it's scary to think about being healthy. Not being the "sick one" is foreign to me. But being healthy HAS to be better than being sick, right?
I wish someone would assure me that everything is going to be ok.... I just feel so hopeless right now. I want to refuse dinner, but will that get me anywhere? Will that get me into regular housing? NO. Absolutely not. Which is why I will eat dinner. And snack. And move on with my life.
Just have to keep pushing forward. Forward, it's the only way to go.
Destination: HEALTHY
I am feeling out of control... guilty, ashamed, ugly, disgusting, horrible. I put on my new dress this morning and it looks good! I feel comfortable in it, it's really pretty - a cool neckline/straps and a floral design. I was feeling good.
And then I had therapy, and it was hard... we are talking about a lot of tough stuff right now related to my body and abuse and trauma. It set me off, especially when my therapist told me I am getting close to my goal weight. And then I found out that my dietician is leaving on vacation for two weeks! What if I reach my goal weight and she's not here to lower my meal plan??? I talked to her and she assured me I would get weighed at my regular times, and that my doctor will adjust my meal plan accordingly. But I am panicking. On one hand I feel good about my body. I'm stronger, I'm not dizzy, I have energy. On the other hand I am bloated and puffy, my stomach sticks out, my thighs are bigger, my arms are bigger. Everything is bigger. And it does not feel good.
So how will I "self soothe?" All I want to do is restrict and purge. I thought about purging before getting weighed but I resisted. The urge is STRONG though, and I'm afraid of slipping backwards... it would be so easy. Nobody is watching me after meals, I could easily get away with purging. But how would that help me??? It wouldn't.
I have things to look forward to.
I'm really sorry if I keep repeating myself in these posts. I just have to keep telling myself over and over and OVER that this pain and agony will be worth it in the end.... there are good things coming my way if I can just get healthy. So many good things.
Part of me feels that once I am at a healthy weight nobody will care about me anymore. That I won't get the same care and attention, that I will be overlooked. Which is silly, because once I am healthy I can do the hard work that I need to to truly heal. My therapists have told me they won't give up on me, I guess I just have trouble believing them. In previous treatment I've reached a healthy weight and then been booted out of the program. I'm assured that won't happen here, but I can't help but be afraid. I've been sick for so long.... it's scary to think about being healthy. Not being the "sick one" is foreign to me. But being healthy HAS to be better than being sick, right?
I wish someone would assure me that everything is going to be ok.... I just feel so hopeless right now. I want to refuse dinner, but will that get me anywhere? Will that get me into regular housing? NO. Absolutely not. Which is why I will eat dinner. And snack. And move on with my life.
Just have to keep pushing forward. Forward, it's the only way to go.
Destination: HEALTHY
It's just a number...
I get weighed today and I am kind of FREAKING out. I know the number is up. Part of me feels so embarrassed to step on the scale, proof of my "ugliness" proof of my failure and how disgusting I am.
But this thinking is illogical.
Gaining weight is a GOOD thing. Really good! When I get to my goal weight I will have so many good things waiting for me! Independent housing, school, my pets, driving... it's a big list of good things that will happen once I gain the weight!
So why am I so miserable about gaining weight??
I had a lot of trauma growing up. And my body was abused and objectified.
And now I am the abuser of my body.
But no more.
I will be kind to my body. Feed it what it needs. Let it get to the ideal weight and stay there, as much as I want to fight!!! I DON'T WANT TO GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT. But I need it. My body needs it. And once I get there I will feel better in many ways.
Ugh.
I am so conflicted and so out of sorts. i don't want to get out of bed.... I don't want to start the day. I want the day to go away so I can get in bed again!! I have therapy this morning, hopefully it will help me put some things in perspective. My therapist is tough, and tells me things how they are, and always challenges me and my other parts.
I will have breakfast and snack and lunch and move on with my day. End of story.
Onward!
But this thinking is illogical.
Gaining weight is a GOOD thing. Really good! When I get to my goal weight I will have so many good things waiting for me! Independent housing, school, my pets, driving... it's a big list of good things that will happen once I gain the weight!
So why am I so miserable about gaining weight??
I had a lot of trauma growing up. And my body was abused and objectified.
And now I am the abuser of my body.
But no more.
I will be kind to my body. Feed it what it needs. Let it get to the ideal weight and stay there, as much as I want to fight!!! I DON'T WANT TO GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT. But I need it. My body needs it. And once I get there I will feel better in many ways.
Ugh.
I am so conflicted and so out of sorts. i don't want to get out of bed.... I don't want to start the day. I want the day to go away so I can get in bed again!! I have therapy this morning, hopefully it will help me put some things in perspective. My therapist is tough, and tells me things how they are, and always challenges me and my other parts.
I will have breakfast and snack and lunch and move on with my day. End of story.
Onward!
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