Anxiety

I'm feeling anxiety about having to get weighed tomorrow. For the past two days I have followed my meal plan and not counted calories, so I have no idea how many calories I'm eating. I just decided I needed to give up the control and follow the meal plan my dietician has given me. She's promised me that as soon as my meal plan needs to be lowered she will lower it. I just have trouble with the fact that my dietician knows what's happening with my body (specifically my weight) and I don't. I feel like I want to know what's happening with my own body, and handing that responsibility over to my dietician is hard.

So I will step on the scale. And there will be a number. A number I don't know.... And I don't need to know because that number does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It does not change me or make me a bad person. My weight is my gravitational pull on the earth. That's all it is. I am not my weight. I am not a number. So getting weighed should be no biggie.

I feel proud/anxious about the fact that I'm doing the right thing. I am eating, and that is good. But the feelings are mixed.  At times eating feels really wrong. It feels like the opposite of what I need to be doing, even though logically I do know eating is a good thing. I just wish eating didn't have such an effect on me. I'm working on it. Some day those numbers won't matter. None of them. The calories, the weight.. it just won't phase me. I can't wait for that day. I'll get there.

Night snack today... the usual :) Toast with sunflower butter, banana, and hot cocoa. :) Mmmmmm. I deserve to enjoy my food. All people do. YOU DESERVE TO EAT. Never stop fighting. We will get there; baby steps.