Choosing to be healthy

Every time I've tried to recover from my eating disorder it's been under medical supervision and under people who were "making" me, or encouraging me to eat. It wasn't me choosing to eat... being in whatever program or hospital meant that I HAD to eat. That I didn't have a choice. But this time, my recovery is different. I had some support around meals. But there was nobody serving me my food. Nobody checking my meal plan. Nobody watching what I was taking in. This time around I CHOSE to follow my meal plan, 100%. I chose to stop purging and earned the privilege of using the bathroom without asking permission back. I gained the weight. Nobody forced or made me do it. And it feels really different. I chose to get healthy. It's really empowering.

It's also really challenging. When I was under supervision of nurses or whatever staff in inpatient programs, I could blame those people for my feeling so miserable. I could tell myself "I'm being forced to eat, it's not my fault I feel so miserable." This time around, I was the one to blame for my misery. I was forcing myself to eat. I was choosing the food. I was eating more than everyone around me because that's what I needed. I blamed myself for my misery. But I started feeling proud too.

Refeeding is a horrible process. This time around when I started eating again I got really really constipated and had a blockage and was vomiting because I was in so much pain. I had to take magnesium citrate and I almost ended up in the ER. My legs swelled up like balloons at night. My nails and hair were breaking and falling out. This is all part of the refeeding process, and this is the first time I got through it without tubes down my nose, without IVs, without ending up in the hospital. I chose to get healthy. And after the first few weeks of misery I did start feeling proud. I remember the first meal I ate where I wasn't in agony after. I celebrated. I laughed and cheered myself on, so proud that I'd gotten over the initial refeeding hurdle. I did it.

Now, my body has adjusted to eating. My acid reflux is much MUCH better and I don't feel like I'm going to get sick if I lean over after eating. I am not dizzy when I stand up and I have the energy to walk and even run. I am starting to enjoy eating (Just a little right now) especially things that taste good.. I've allowed myself to have chocolate again and it's amazing! I, in general, don't have the urge to purge after meals anymore. If I don't eat enough throughout the day I start feeling bing-y but I know that if I follow my meal plan that urge doesn't come up. So the past two days I have followed my meal plan 100%. I know it might mean my weight will go up. But it's ok. I'll deal with it.

Basically, it is possible to get better. If you'd asked me how I was doing three months ago, I would have said I was miserable. Now, at least most of the time, I am content and happy to wake up in the morning. Actually I am RELIEVED to wake up in the morning because for a long time I worried I just would go to sleep and not wake up... but here I am. Alive and kicking.

NEVER stop fighting.