I'm in recovery

A few months ago if you had asked me how I was doing I would have responded "I'm alive" because that's all I was. I was not living, I was alive. I was a shell of myself. I was pale and thin and weak, and barely able to walk 5 minutes to therapy. I was falling over, I couldn't bend over to pick things up because I had no energy. I was cranky and emotional... refusing to eat, purging everything I DID eat. Sneaking around the back yard and purging in coffee cups, purging in tupperware in my room, sneaking into the bathroom whenever I had a chance. I thought I would for sure end up in the hospital with a tube up my nose and ivs in my arm. I went to my doctor a complete, thin, fragile mess and she looked at me and said that I had to get it together or I would have to go in the hospital. And I decided right then and there that I did NOT want to end up in the hospital. It occurred to me that either I get fed in the hospital or I choose to eat by myself. And do you know what I did? I went home and ate my breakfast, and then ate my snack, and then lunch.... I started to feed myself.

I didn't need a tube up my nose to get fed. I chose myself to get healthy, and that is why I feel so empowered. I didn't have someone forcing me to eat and watching me go to the bathroom. I made the decision that I would start eating and stop purging, and that's exactly what I did. It was MY choice. My actions that got me to a healthy weight and a healthier mindset. And just 2 months after that doctor appointment, where I'd hit a bottom, I am at a healthy weight and thriving again. It's amazing how just after a week of eating well I felt SO much better. I could walk again, I had pep in my step, my sense of humor started to come back and I didn't feel like I was going to fall over. I had immediate and obvious rewards as a result of eating better. It was a HUGE relief not feeling like I'd fall over when I stood up.

Am I perfect? No. Am I fully recovered? No. But I have made enormous progress. I am eating six times a day and keeping it down. I am following my meal plan (for the most part) and getting in all the nutrition that I need. If I am still hungry I allow myself a little bit extra. If I'm very full but still need to eat, I push myself. I have moments where I look in myself in the mirror and I'm happy with how I look. I definitely have moments when I don't like my reflection but I remind myself of the times that I do feel good and keep pushing forward. I am allowing myself to enjoy treats like chocolate and brownies and candy and I feel ok with it. With the exception of a few slips here and there I have stopped purging. I don't even have the urge to purge anymore really.... after meals I KNOW my body will take care of the food I've eaten. And at night when I'm bloated I know I'll wake up refreshed in the morning. I actually WANT to be alive. Not just a walking shadow. I am living.

I have a long way to go.... I have lots of work to do. But I'm on the right track. I am living proof that recovery is possible.
"It always seems impossible until it's done."