Need permission to eat

I need permission to eat. 

I have not eaten enough today and I walked over 2 hours, and now I am HUNGRY. I want to eat chocolate and candy and fruit and bread and vegetables and ice cream and cake and cookies..... I could eat ALL of that right now. 

So why don't I get up and eat something? Because I'm afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop. I will eat and eat and eat and break my no-purging record. I can't do that. I had one square of chocolate extra and I already feel kind of bad, I know it's crazy, but I feel bad. 

WHAT is wrong with my brain?? Clearly my body is hungry, I need food, and I am sitting here chewing gum and drinking tea and depriving myself. It makes me sad. It makes me really really sad that I can't just take care of my body the way it needs to be taken care of. I'm thinking yes, I'm probably physically hungry. I also thing I'm bionic woman, I don't need to eat to survive. Hah. 

I emailed my dietician, asking her for permission to eat. Maybe if she responds and tells me that eating is the right thing to do, I can do it. 

I will certainly eat my night snack, it's just a matter of probably needing more than just that. 

Maybe I can give myself permission to eat.

You deserve to eat. 

Animals deserve to eat, kids deserve to eat, people deserve to eat, YOU deserve to eat and feel satiated. One snack is not going to affect your weight. You deserve to eat. 

You deserve to eat.

Overreaction

Last night, after I was confronted about making an inappropriate comment, I completely fell apart. I sobbed, banged my head, paces, trying to soothe myself but unable to do so. And now that it is morning and I am looking back at the situation, I blew it WAY out of proportion. What I said was a joke, said in passing, and yet when i was confronted my automatic thought was "I am a horrible person."
Well you know what? I'm not a horrible person. I said something that hurt someone's feelings. People say things to me that hurt my feeling all the time! And do I forgive them? YES. I don't hold grudges. Maybe I will explain that what was said hurt my feelings but I don't hate that person, or never want to talk to them again. So I overreacted. And I feel silly. Now my eyes are swollen and puffy from crying and my head hurts. Silly me.

Today I see my dietician. I get weighed (boo) but I feel ok with it. I am ok with how my body looks right now, and if I'm at my healthy weight then that's great!! I am at my goal weight, and I'm ok with it! This has NEVER happened!! I think it's cause to celebrate. Today I also get to play with kittens, which is lots of fun, and then go out to dinner at a diner. I don't know what's on the menu, so I will decide what I'm eating when I see the menu. Eek!! That's scary, but I can make it work.

How are you today? Do you have any rousing plans??