Food thoughts

I'm on vacation and out of my usual routine with food so I have to be flexible. And I'll admit it's hard. I did go grocery shopping to get some basic provisions but in general I'm having to step out of my comfort zone. And that's ok! I am eating. I'm really hungry so probably not eating enough to be honest. I will have my dinner soon and eat what I'm comfortable with. Maybe an omelette and baked potato, that's what I'm thinking. Something yummy and substantial and not my grandmas nasty cooking. Her food is AWFUL!! She made a Turkey breast today. It's overdone. And I don't eat turkey anymore. So I'm trying to avoid it. I'll see how long that lasts.

I know I need to listen to my hunger. I can trust my hunger. But that still scares me sometimes. Am I really hungry or is it my medications? Is it my mind? Is it anxiety? Sometimes I just don't know. But I do know. My stomach is growling and that means I'm hungry. I had a snack... Berries and carrot cake but it probably wasn't enough. I have to probe I can do this on my own... That I can go over my comfort zone. I can do this. Eating is essential. I will eat.

Off to make some dinner! I've already adjusted to the time zone change so it's dinner time! 

Happy eating :)

Recovery

For a long time I was unsure about recovery. I wanted it but didn't want to gain the weight, didn't want to just eat, didn't want to stop purging. I wanted to be fragile, I wanted to continue with the lies and the secrets. And then something clicked a few months ago. It took another slip a few weeks ago for me to realize... I WANT RECOVERY!!!!

And here I am. I think I'm closer to being in recovery right now than I've ever been. Really! I am healthier now than I've been in forever. I'm eating intuitively for the first time in 5 years. I'm not purging but when I have small slips I pick myself up and keep going forward. I'm at a healthy weight, I've stopped counting calories... I'm drinking enough and have a balanced diet. Food tastes good and I can ADMIT that food tastes good. I can be ok with being hungry, not ashamed. I am confident that I'm eating what my body needs. And sometimes, just sometimes, I am ok with my body. More often than ever, in fact, I am ok with how I look. 

Recovery is scary because it's sooooo different from being sick. I've been sick for so long that being sick feels normal. Being sick is comfortable. Recovery requires me to go wayyyy outside of my comfort zone, every day, every meal, every moment. Fighting to do what's right when being sick is SOOO much easier. But I'm doing it. I'm fighting.

A year ago I was in a good place with my eating.. Although I was strictly following s meal plan. But I had one slip up with ourging and entered a rapid downward spiral. And I was not taking care of my parts. My sweet little parts who need love and attention, and my difficult, at times, see parts who are angsty and also need love. This year I'm taking care of all my parts. Making them feel like they matter. And because I'm doing that we are all healthier.

Recovery is hard. Really hard. But it's worth it because recovery is better than being sick. That I'm sure of. I'm on my way to health. Real, true, 100% healthy I KNOW I can get there. I can and will get there.

Never EVER stop fighting friends! Let's make 2015 the healthiest year yet!

Peace and love 

Abbi

Relief

This morning I met with my dietician early. We had breakfast together, which is always nice. I got weighed and I was SO afraid that I've been gaining and she told me no, that I'm actually in a downward trend. This was shocking to me as I was certain I've been gaining. I guess I'm relieved. I'm not eating too much. In fact, I could stand to eat a bit more. I need to add more fat to my diet so that I'm not so hungry all the time, and I need to add to my snacks.

I have a few goals… whole eggs instead of just egg whites… adding more to snacks…eating more fat… I can do this I know I can! License to eat a bit more I guess. I know I shouldn't be relieved about my weight being down but I am. It means that I truly CAN trust my hunger signals. If I'm still hungry, I should eat. Not drown myself in tea and coffee… actually eat!

I am leaving for New Orleans in less than 2 weeks!! EEEEK!!!! I will have to be proactive about food while I am gone. First I need to make sure I pack food for the airplane, and then I will go grocery shopping with my grandma when I get there. I will continue eating what I need, and make sure I stay healthy while I am away. Traveling can be pretty draining, so I will make sure to get in enough.

Recovery is full of challenges. But when you are in it recovery is SO rewarding. I would say I am closer to recovery right now than I've ever been and that is really exciting. I think I can get to that place, where I am really truly healthy. I am working so hard to get there.

Keep fighting!

Game Plan

I just met with my dietician and it went well. Had lunch, chatted about my week… and what we decided is that what I am eating is still restrictive. I am not eating enough to be satisfied, and am as a result setting myself up to have mini "binges" at night.

So game plan: NO restricting

I need to eat until I feel satisfied, and I need to eat a little more. It makes sense that I am bingy at night because I just haven't eaten enough throughout the day! It's simple. I need to eat a bit more throughout the day to stay healthy. My weight is fine. My clothes still fit. I feel, at least sometimes, comfortable in my body and I am no longer bloated or swollen. I am getting healthy, and this, not restricting, is another step toward 100% health.

Second goal: NO MORE calorie counting

I count calories obsessively both in my head and on my phone calculator. I've tried to delete the calculator app but it is stuck on my phone. Game plan: mess myself up while counting! Throw out random numbers to throw myself off track. Sing instead of count. Hum to myself distract…. calorie counting is totally, 100% unproductive. Waste of time. Stupid. Dumb. Unneeded. I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power not to count anymore.

This weekend is my birthday… and for my birthday I am going to eat cake!! My mom asked what kind of cake I want and I said carrot cake, as it's my favorite. With cream cheese frosting. I deserve to eat a piece of cake for my birthday. One piece of cake will NOT cause me to gain weight, explode, blow up… nope. It's cake, and I'm going to have some.

Lots of goals. I feel confident that I can stop restricting and start eating 100% what my body needs. I also am confident that I will be successful on my New Orleans trip with eating. My grandma can be challenging when it comes to food…. but I will go grocery shopping with her and it will be ok! I can do this!!! It's really really hard but I can do this.

Moving forward!!

Body confidence

Today I feel good in my body. It's a weird feeling, actually being satisfied with how I look… and you know what?? It's AMAZING! I feel so free, light a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know this feeling probably won't last, but while I feel good I'm going to soak in all the goodness!! I wear clothes that flatter me, I don't have to hide my body. I am allowed to feel good in my body.

And YOU are allowed to feel good in your body. If you are having a body confident day, embrace it!! Don't feel like you're being vain or selfish. It is OK to feel good about how you look. You can embrace the positivity and hold it in your mind. Absorb it all and save if for the days when you feel crummy. It is OK to feel good. It really is.

I thought about taking some pictures of myself, but I'm not really into that. I could show off pictures of my body, but I don't feel right about it. My body is mine. I can feel good about my body and that's ok :) Being body confident is a GOOD thing. Embrace it.

I hope the rest of my day goes well. Going to have lunch in a few minutes.
Sending positivity :)

Bumps along the road

There are going to be bumps along the road. No person's recovery is perfect. I've had a few minor slips... But I'm ok. I am not letting it unravel me. I am strong. I can make mistakes and be ok. I think I need to eat a little more throughout the day to prevent myself from becoming ravenous at the end of the day. That should definitely help.

Breakfast this morning was really filling. Bagel with strawberry cream cheese, greek yogurt with berries, and coffee with lots of soy milk. Tasted good. I am really full which feels scary but I'm going to be ok. I have house meeting in a few minutes. My body knows what to do with this food... My body knows what to do.

Today I have house meeting, and then individual therapy, and then groups all afternoon. I am tired of therapy to be honest. I'd like a week off! And actually in just a few weeks I will get a week off!! I'm going to New Orleans!! A whole week of no therapy will be amazing. I will schedule check ins with my therapists... But other than that I'm free!! Can't wait!!

Hope you all have a lovely Thursday. Almost the weekend! 

Experiment!

So this morning I saw my dietician. My weight is fine, I could in fact be eating a little more. And we came to a decision… I am going to try two days without meal planning the night before!! This means eating what I am craving, listening to my hunger and fullness signals, and eating normally!! I am so excited!! I have meal planned every single day for years. Being able to eat what I feel will be awesome. I am hoping it goes well! I am also going to stop calorie counting (I am determined) and I am going to eat my food without measuring. So many big changes and I am thrilled!! All I want more than anything is to be a normal eater and that is what I am going to do. Eat what I want, when I want. I have to naturally eat a little more than I would initially decide to eat so I get in enough, but I can do this! I can!!

This morning I am going to petco. I'm taking the bus there for the first time, so that will be interesting. Unfortunately it is POURING rain, so I will have to walk to the bus stop in the rain. Luckily I have an umbrella now. Then we have a program talent show, where I will be performing with an improv group and singing a couple songs. It will be a pretty sad show, but it's ok. Hopefully it will be fun.

I've waited so long to be a normal eater and now I have the chance to do that. Wish me luck!!

Feeling healthy

I've noticed, especially tonight, that I'm not as bloated as I've been previous nights. It feels really good… and the funny thing is I've increased my calories a bit! It goes to show how important nutrition is and how your body responds to getting enough energy. I am getting enough nutrition and my body is responding, and that feels awesome!! I am thrilled that my body has finally adjusted to eating again.

Tomorrow I see my dietician bright and early for breakfast session. I don't want to get weighed… I'm afraid of what the result will be.. but at the same time I feel ok. My clothes fit, bloating is down, I'm pretty comfortable with my body, so who cares what the number is?? Part of me is afraid to get a calorie decrease. I'm afraid I'd feel deprived or bingy. I don't want a lower meal plan.. but I also don't want to soar into a weight range that I'm uncomfortable with. I trust my dietician will adjust my meal plan accordingly to keep me healthy. She keeps herself healthy so why would she want me to be unhealthy??

We are eating breakfast together, and I have it all planned out already. English muffin with cream cheese (I found pumpkin spice cream cheese in the 99 cent store and it's delicious!! Tastes like pumpkin pie) and yogurt with a little granola and berries, and coffee with soy milk. It will be tasty and I will have support, so I might as well pack something substantial.

Eating is hard. But being sick is harder. Eating sucks sometimes. But eating can also be enjoyable. I hope to find peace and balance with food and my body. To eat healthily and intuitively and to feel ok. To listen to my body and hunger signals. Some day I will be able to do all these things. Some day.

Hope you have a lovely night.
Peace <3

Listening to hunger

I have found that past couple days that I've been really hungry. And that is scary for me. If I allow myself to get too hungry it most definitely sets me up to binge, and I do NOT want that to happen. So what do you do with hunger? EAT.

This is a hard concept for me.  A lot of times when  I'm still hungry after eating I am frustrated and annoyed. I shouldn't be hungry… I should be full… etc. But it's OK to be hungry. It's your body telling you that you need more nutrition and more energy, and that is ok.

Of course you need to pay attention to whether you are physically hungry or emotionally hungry. If you are physically hungry (stomach growling, headache, shaky, etc) then you need to eat! It is important not to set yourself up to binge. If you are emotionally hungry (trying to fill a void or numb out with food) maybe it's better to distract and do something soothing for yourself. For me I have a really hard time deciphering what's emotional hunger and what is physical hunger. But I am pretty sure that the past few days it's been physical hunger; stomach growling, headache.

So basically it's OK to be hungry. It is not a weakness or a problem, it is ok. If you are hungry, then you should eat! And not something like carrots or celery (this is a problem of mine) grab a handful of nuts, a piece of fruit, peanut butter. Something substantial. LISTEN to your body. It knows what you need.

This morning I am playing with kitties again, and then resting, and then a holiday pizza party. Trying to tell myself it's ok to eat pizza. I definitely struggle with allowing myself to eat things like pizza.

Happy Saturday!

Happy Friday!!

Happy Friday!

This morning I had an early session with my dietician and it went really well. I swore she was going to lower my meal plan but my plan is working for me. The goal now is to get in enough nutrition so I don't need the ensure plus. Adding the string cheese with my snacks... Eating enough at dinner. Just little things.

And I need NEED to stop counting calories. It just isn't productive. I keep saying I'm going to stop. But I can do this. I can live without counting calories I can. I just need to stop now! So far so good today. I talked to my dietician about becoming vegetarian. She isn't 100% on board but said she'll support me as long as I get in my protein and that it's not eating disorder related. And honestly it's not eating disorder related! Non meat proteins are actually higher in calories than turkey and chicken. It's not about calories. It's an ethical decision and o feel good about it.

Today I am having lunch and dinner out and I'm a little nervous. For lunch I'm going to get Panera, and I am going to have black bean soup and half a Mediterranean sandwich and an apple. Dinner will be a veggie burger with sautéed mushrooms. I am sort of uncomfortable eating out twice in a day but I'll make it through.

For now I am playing with kitty cats :) so sweet purrr machines!!!! Love love love!!

Have an amazing Friday :)

My body has adjusted!!!

 It always takes a few days to normalize after not eating well for a few weeks. It's really uncomfortable. I had about 4 weeks of eating poorly. And then I started eating again. And that process is miserable!! I got swollen in my stomach and legs, my clothes were tight, I was sooooo uncomfortable. But I'm proud to say, after about a week of no purging, my body has adjusted!! I woke up this morning not bloated and swollen which feels amazing! I am so relieved! My body has adjusted to eating again. This wlll make life so much easier.

School today. I'm waiting for the bus currently. I have my coffee (with only one stevia) and an English muffin sandwich and greek yogurt with peaches. Mmmmm. Healthy and nutritious! I am feeling more confident and more healthy every day. Only two weeks until my trip to New Orleans!! And only 2 weeks left of classes then a long break!! All good things!!

My goal for the week is to continue on my path to health. Eat, rest, complete some school projects.. I've got this.

Happy Monday!

Breakfast Treat

This morning for breakfast I am treating myself to a chai tea latte at starbucks. I'm SUPER excited. It is warm and delicious and I can't wait.

Yesterday was hard. I kind of fell off the bandwagon the end of the day, but I am back on track today. I will not allow one bad afternoon to get in my way. I am moving forward. I can do this. Today is a new day. I get weighed this morning… and for some reason getting weighed is a HUGE deal for me. But my weight does not define me. I am not my weight. My dietician will not judge me based on my weight… sorry to repeat myself I'm just trying to burn that thought into my brain. I AM NOT MY WEIGHT!! End of story. Ugh this is so hard. I wish it didn't matter. I wish it wasn't a big deal… but it is right now. I am trying to tell myself it's not important. My clothes fit fine. I'm a little puffy. But it's ok. I'm ok.

I will enjoy my Starbucks drink and have my snack and I packed lunch for a group activity. I can do this. I will have a good day.

My thanksgiving was stressful… how was yours??

Happy Friday!

A successful day

Today has been a successful day. Does it feel good? Absolutely not. But I did good. I did everything I needed to and I'm determined to end the day strong. I ate breakfast; yogurt, granola, and berries. I ate snack; Cheerios and raspberries. I ate lunch; hummus sandwich and salad and cooked carrots, a piece of chocolate. I ate snack; a baked apple. I ate dinner; tilapia, rice, and broccoli. I ate healthy. I ate almost what I needed. Snack will be pop tarts and a banana. I've had lots of coffee to get rid of hunger. I did it. I ate it all and kept it down. That is a success.

The thing is, I'm miserable. I am bloated and full and uncomfortable. Eating after a period of restricting/purging is really hard. For me I swell up in my stomach and legs. I have terrible acid reflux. I have stomach pain and nausea. But it only lasts a few days. If I can get through these few days I will be ok. I can do this: I am doing this.

Tonight I will go to sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow. The morning is the best time. No fullness and swelling.

I am back to fighting!! We can do this!!

Learning

Just when I'm feeling better... Bam I get hit with urges and stupidly act on them. What is wrong with me? Today I was feeling good I felt like I was ok. Tonight I have not been ok. Dinner tasted good.. I wanted seconds and thirds and fourths. But instead of serving myself a little more I overreacted and went for the ice cream. Ugh. I feel like a failure.

But I'm not a failure. Nope. I am a warrior. This slip is, yet another chance to learn. I seem to be having a lot of these moments lately. Mistakes  to learn from. Sigh. I wish I didn't have as many "learning moment" but I have to deal with them. 

Tonight I was vulnerable. I didn't follow my whole meal plan and I didn't really have a snack. I had coffee and some peppers. Not a sufficient snack I know that. The food tasted good and I was craving more. I should have eaten a little more to feel satisfied. I was craving sweets so I could have had a piece of chocolate or a gummy candy. There are many things I could have done. I made a poor decision.

So Iearn and move on. Every day I am learning. Every day is a new beginning. A chance to become a better person.  I'm still kicking.

I bought jeans!!

Yesterday I bought jeans for the first time in over three years. I didn't think I'd did anything at target but I tried on the jeans and they fit great!' So I bought them :) and I'm wearing them today! I haven't felt comfortable wearing jeans in forever and I found a pair that look ok!! This feels like a huge accomplishment. And they are a super cute style... It's called "boyfriend" style. So they aren't too tight in the legs. I'm not a fan of skinny jeans so these were a perfect compromise!

Body image is slowly but surely improving: every day is a challenge and every day I have moments where I want to crawl out of my skin/.. But some days are ok. Holding on to those days.

Small victories and baby steps.

Therapy and progress

It was a hectic morning. Just one of those days. Last night we blew a circuit so our air conditioner, fans, and refrigerator all went off. All my housemates and I were worried about the food, so all of us were stressed out. Our house manager came this morning and figured everything out so we are ok now. I had work development group, talked about school and my volunteer job, and then therapy. I was dreading therapy this morning. I was afraid that I'd be in trouble with my therapist... that she'd be disappointed and yell at me. But she didn't yell. In fact it was a really good session. We talked about my past, how I had to be sneaky in order to survive when I was a child, and why I am still sneaky now. She said she is glad that I am being honest, and the reflection process that I did was good. I am so relieved! I expected to be admonished and punished and that did not happen at all.

Recovery is hard. Every day I have to make the decision to eat and keep my food down. I have to choose every day, every hour, every minute to do the right thing. It gets tiring. But I'm doing it. I haven't purged in over two weeks... maybe even three weeks, and I'll say I'm quite proud. I was purging several times a day, pretty much everything I ate. And now I hardly have the urge to purge anymore. I eat and don't have to think twice about keeping it down, which is enormous progress. I feel healthy, I feel strong, I have energy... I am starting to even ENJOY some of my food, which is a huge deal! I never would have admitted to anyone a few months ago that I actually enjoyed food, and here I am.

If you are reading, I beg you not to give up on yourself. Keep fighting. Keep eating.
You are amazing.

Challenging myself

Here I am thinking that my weight has skyrocketed this week... I've been eating 100% of my meal plan, no cutting corners, no calorie counting. I was certain I'd get a meal plan decrease. But do you know what?? My dietician says that I may be getting an increase soon! I'm so confused. I feel heavier. I feel bigger... but I'm not bigger. I'm exactly the same size as I was a week ago. Just goes to show how distorted my perception of myself is.

So I will continue following my meal plan and eating. I can do this. I know I can. tonight we are going out to dinner at Coco's diner and for the first time I will NOT be ordering from the "light and fit" menu. I will order a dish from the real menu. I deserve to enjoy my food and not just order something because it's the lowest calories on the menu. That's silly. I need to challenge myself more. In fact, this week my goal is to challenge myself with something every day. Sunday I want to make pancakes, and the challenge will be adding butter and syrup. Tonight will be ordering from the real menu. I don't know about tomorrow yet... I will think of something.

I am stuck. And it's not just my weight, it's me. I'm not challenging myself... the meals I eat are primarily whole grains and veggies and protein, and while that is healthy it isn't pushing myself. I need to bake and eat what I make. I challenged myself today at lunch with fettucini alfredo, and that was good. I need to start pushing myself if I want to move forward!! I want to have a full, meaningful life and that means being uncomfortable sometimes to get there. I know I will get there. One step at a time.

How are you challenging yourself today?

Feeling full

For me being full is really uncomfortable. It feels wrong, it feels bad... it just doesn't feel good at all. But being full is something I have learned to deal with. A few months ago I would have purged immediately at the feeling of being full. Today, I am fighting through these feelings. I know I haven't eaten more than I need, and that I haven't binged. My meal was filling, but it was healthy and nutritious for my body. I ate exactly what I needed. I don't need to feel guilty.

Feeling guilty for eating is silly! It's like feeling guilty for breathing or sleeping. We are people. We are living beings and we need to eat in order to survive. When we are babies we don't know much but we do know that we need to eat to live. It is an instinct. We get hungry and we eat. I am an adult. I am a human being. I am alive. Therefore, I need to and deserve to eat. No exceptions.

It's ok to feel full. You don't have to worry or beat yourself up or panic. Know that your body will take care of the food and use it for fuel. For lunch today I had a baked potato with turkey, a plum, and salad. I was so full after my baked potato I couldn't finish my salad. I listened to my body. I felt full and I decided that the extra lettuce was not necessary for me to finish. I feel very proud that I have fullness signals and that I was able to listen to my body. This is actually a huge step for me. Eating everything I need and listening to my body's cues. Progress.

Don't worry about the food. Your body knows what to do.
Hang in there and keep fighting!!

I hate social gatherings

Today there was  big barbecue at one of the other houses at Hanbleceya (the treatment program I'm in). There were burgers and hot dogs and brats and TONS of food. I have a lot of trouble with these events. First of all there are lots of people, eating, swimming, socializing and that is a little anxiety provoking. I don't quite know where I fit in... who to talk to, where to sit, what to do. It's just a little uncomfortable. And then there's the food. Today alone there were all the burgers and hot dogs plus salads, plus pasta salad, plus egg salad, plus fruit salad, plus corn, plus mashed potatoes... and then an entire table of desserts. One side of me says "you can't have anything." The other side says "eat everything." And I don't know what to do. So I stick to the same boring foods.... a veggie burger and then fruit salad and LOTS of veggies to fill myself up.

It makes me sad that I can't fully enjoy food yet. Everyone was enjoying fun fruity sodas but I didn't have a soda because there were no diet ones and I didn't want to have extra calories in soda form. Everyone was eating dessert... a delicious looking apple cobbler, pudding cool whip cake, brownies, and I made oatmeal raisin cookies which everyone seemed to love! (They disappeared). But did I have anything for dessert? Even my own cookies?? No :( I couldn't do it. I was afraid that I'd take a bite and wouldn't be able to stop. That no body would be watching to make sure I didn't shove my chipmunk cheeks full and then have issues afterward. I didn't have dessert. Some day I will have dessert. I will have my dessert and enjoy it and not just be jealous of all the other people around me who feel good about treating themselves to sweets. I'm working on it.

Tonight I am going to go for a walk with a peer, which should be nice. I love walking. It makes me happy, and I will admit it makes me feel ok about eating. As long as my energy level is high I'm ok with the food I'm eating. I have been so good! Today after the BBQ I knew I hadn't eaten enough (and I'd forgotten about my snack) so I ate my snack. I have made big steps. Big progress. I'm nowhere near 100% yet, but I am getting there. I will be free some day.

Tonight

Tonight was a really good night. I had dinner, and then talked with a friend on the phone, and then met up with another girl in my program. We talked for a while and then went for a walk. It was getting dark so we didn't stay out too long. Then we walked to the yogurt shop and I got frozen yogurt to bring home. It felt like a really normal interaction between two friends, and that makes me happy. Just feeling like I can talk to someone my age and go for a stroll and have a good time. It reminds me that I can just be "normal" and talk with a friend. I feel "abnormal" so much of the time, it's really nice to just to feel like an average young adult.

It's these moments that I'm grateful for. 

I'm also grateful for a positive body-image evening. Usually by the evening I am REALLY uncomfortable in my body... but tonight I actually feel ok. I am wearing shorts and a tank top and I haven't had the urge to change clothes and haven't felt like crawling out of my skin. Another thing to be grateful for. 

Overall a good day. I feel like I've handled this change of houses pretty well. I could have fallen apart by now, but I am keeping myself together. I can do this. I AM doing this!

Baby steps.