Game Plan

I just met with my dietician and it went well. Had lunch, chatted about my week… and what we decided is that what I am eating is still restrictive. I am not eating enough to be satisfied, and am as a result setting myself up to have mini "binges" at night.

So game plan: NO restricting

I need to eat until I feel satisfied, and I need to eat a little more. It makes sense that I am bingy at night because I just haven't eaten enough throughout the day! It's simple. I need to eat a bit more throughout the day to stay healthy. My weight is fine. My clothes still fit. I feel, at least sometimes, comfortable in my body and I am no longer bloated or swollen. I am getting healthy, and this, not restricting, is another step toward 100% health.

Second goal: NO MORE calorie counting

I count calories obsessively both in my head and on my phone calculator. I've tried to delete the calculator app but it is stuck on my phone. Game plan: mess myself up while counting! Throw out random numbers to throw myself off track. Sing instead of count. Hum to myself distract…. calorie counting is totally, 100% unproductive. Waste of time. Stupid. Dumb. Unneeded. I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power not to count anymore.

This weekend is my birthday… and for my birthday I am going to eat cake!! My mom asked what kind of cake I want and I said carrot cake, as it's my favorite. With cream cheese frosting. I deserve to eat a piece of cake for my birthday. One piece of cake will NOT cause me to gain weight, explode, blow up… nope. It's cake, and I'm going to have some.

Lots of goals. I feel confident that I can stop restricting and start eating 100% what my body needs. I also am confident that I will be successful on my New Orleans trip with eating. My grandma can be challenging when it comes to food…. but I will go grocery shopping with her and it will be ok! I can do this!!! It's really really hard but I can do this.

Moving forward!!

Therapy and progress

It was a hectic morning. Just one of those days. Last night we blew a circuit so our air conditioner, fans, and refrigerator all went off. All my housemates and I were worried about the food, so all of us were stressed out. Our house manager came this morning and figured everything out so we are ok now. I had work development group, talked about school and my volunteer job, and then therapy. I was dreading therapy this morning. I was afraid that I'd be in trouble with my therapist... that she'd be disappointed and yell at me. But she didn't yell. In fact it was a really good session. We talked about my past, how I had to be sneaky in order to survive when I was a child, and why I am still sneaky now. She said she is glad that I am being honest, and the reflection process that I did was good. I am so relieved! I expected to be admonished and punished and that did not happen at all.

Recovery is hard. Every day I have to make the decision to eat and keep my food down. I have to choose every day, every hour, every minute to do the right thing. It gets tiring. But I'm doing it. I haven't purged in over two weeks... maybe even three weeks, and I'll say I'm quite proud. I was purging several times a day, pretty much everything I ate. And now I hardly have the urge to purge anymore. I eat and don't have to think twice about keeping it down, which is enormous progress. I feel healthy, I feel strong, I have energy... I am starting to even ENJOY some of my food, which is a huge deal! I never would have admitted to anyone a few months ago that I actually enjoyed food, and here I am.

If you are reading, I beg you not to give up on yourself. Keep fighting. Keep eating.
You are amazing.

Challenging myself

Here I am thinking that my weight has skyrocketed this week... I've been eating 100% of my meal plan, no cutting corners, no calorie counting. I was certain I'd get a meal plan decrease. But do you know what?? My dietician says that I may be getting an increase soon! I'm so confused. I feel heavier. I feel bigger... but I'm not bigger. I'm exactly the same size as I was a week ago. Just goes to show how distorted my perception of myself is.

So I will continue following my meal plan and eating. I can do this. I know I can. tonight we are going out to dinner at Coco's diner and for the first time I will NOT be ordering from the "light and fit" menu. I will order a dish from the real menu. I deserve to enjoy my food and not just order something because it's the lowest calories on the menu. That's silly. I need to challenge myself more. In fact, this week my goal is to challenge myself with something every day. Sunday I want to make pancakes, and the challenge will be adding butter and syrup. Tonight will be ordering from the real menu. I don't know about tomorrow yet... I will think of something.

I am stuck. And it's not just my weight, it's me. I'm not challenging myself... the meals I eat are primarily whole grains and veggies and protein, and while that is healthy it isn't pushing myself. I need to bake and eat what I make. I challenged myself today at lunch with fettucini alfredo, and that was good. I need to start pushing myself if I want to move forward!! I want to have a full, meaningful life and that means being uncomfortable sometimes to get there. I know I will get there. One step at a time.

How are you challenging yourself today?

Feeling full

For me being full is really uncomfortable. It feels wrong, it feels bad... it just doesn't feel good at all. But being full is something I have learned to deal with. A few months ago I would have purged immediately at the feeling of being full. Today, I am fighting through these feelings. I know I haven't eaten more than I need, and that I haven't binged. My meal was filling, but it was healthy and nutritious for my body. I ate exactly what I needed. I don't need to feel guilty.

Feeling guilty for eating is silly! It's like feeling guilty for breathing or sleeping. We are people. We are living beings and we need to eat in order to survive. When we are babies we don't know much but we do know that we need to eat to live. It is an instinct. We get hungry and we eat. I am an adult. I am a human being. I am alive. Therefore, I need to and deserve to eat. No exceptions.

It's ok to feel full. You don't have to worry or beat yourself up or panic. Know that your body will take care of the food and use it for fuel. For lunch today I had a baked potato with turkey, a plum, and salad. I was so full after my baked potato I couldn't finish my salad. I listened to my body. I felt full and I decided that the extra lettuce was not necessary for me to finish. I feel very proud that I have fullness signals and that I was able to listen to my body. This is actually a huge step for me. Eating everything I need and listening to my body's cues. Progress.

Don't worry about the food. Your body knows what to do.
Hang in there and keep fighting!!

Day of food challenges!!

Today has been a day FULL of challenges! And you know what?? I feel good! I feel proud of myself!!  I have challenged myself 100% and I had no behaviors, no urges really.... I just challenged myself and conquered.

Breakfast: Not really a challenge... waffles (I skipped the syrup :/) veggie sausage, and a plum

Snack: Nutrigrain bar and string cheese (Again not a challenge)

Lunch: With my dietician! we went to the mall food court and had pizza! Yes that's right, real pizza. I had a whole slice and a salad with dressing, and a soda. I'll admit I panicked a bit, but I ate everything and kept myself together.

Snack: Iced latte with mocha syrup and soy milk (probably not enough for my dairy serving but really yummy) Special K cereal, an apple, a plum, and a string cheese
Side note: My meal plan got increased today.... another fruit! (Yay) and a starch. So I am eating LOTS of fruit, which I love.

Dinner: Out to dinner (Twice in one day!!) We went for Italian food, again. I got a turkey sub sandwich, not really challenging but I had the cheese and sauce on the sandwich and that is a challenge for me. And then as we were leaving the restaurant I saw tootsie pops for 10 cents, and I got really excited and bought one and ate it!! And it was DELICIOUS. I had watermelon flavor and crunched into the tootsie roll and it was really good.

Snack: will be 2 toast with almond butter, and a whole banana, and soy milk, and maybe honey

I have gone beyond what is comfortable for me today but I still feel good. I am determined to follow my meal plan 100% and get to my weight range, and then I can start eating normally again. I feel like I'm eating SO much. But it's not really that much. It just feels that way. I am eating what my body needs, and my body is thanking me for that by not being bloated and swollen anymore :)

It is possible to eat and feel good... if you asked me to eat what I ate today a few months ago I would have freaked out and snuck around and purged everything... but not today! I AM ON MY WAY!
I am getting there slowly but surely.

Baby steps my friends. Baby steps.

Need to find motivation

I promised myself I would keep all my food down today and it just hasn't happened. Got sick after breakfast, and lunch. But I didn't get everything up and now I feel guilty as hell. So guilty. So much shame. In just the few days I've bloated and ballooned out. I feel ENORMOUS. My stomach is puffy, my whole body feels puffy. It's horrible. Clothes already look different on me, my legs are bigger. And it's just been a few days.
What if I continue gaining like this? True I will reach my goal weight in no time. Reaching my goal weight, being healthy... I want it SO badly. I want to be healthy. But it scares the crap out of me. Gaining weight will mean my clothes will fit again, but I don't WANT them to fit. I want them to hang off of me. I want to be non existent, I want to be small. I want to look like a little girl, I don't want a woman's body.
So how do I move forward from here. So many emotions, extreme emotions, I want to lose the weight and I want to lose it NOW. I want my stomach to be flat, I want the gap between my legs. It all seems so sick... I know it sounds horrible... and the worst part is I don't know WHY I want to look that way. I want to be healthy and strong and confident and well, not sick and in the hospital. I don't want IVs and feeding tubes and heart monitors. I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.
So I am making a commitment. No more purging today. Spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I will keep it down. And snack, I will keep it down. I need to give my body the time to adjust. The bloating will go down, I will start feeling better. I just need to give my body time. I hate waiting for my body to play catch up. But I will never get better if I'm not patient and kind to the body. And it's just a huge waste of time, waiting around after meals to sneak off and purge. I can do other things with my time. Color, make bracelets, write, read, watch a TV show. There are so many healthy and wonderful things to do with my time.
Need to find motivation.
Never, ever, ever give up.