Trusting my body

Today has been another weird day with food. We had a big community meeting from 12:30-2:00, right in the middle of lunch time! Annoying right? I think yes. I packed a sandwich with me to eat after the meeting, but I didn't get a chance to eat until 3:00. I was STARVING by the time I could eat. I had my sandwich, two cuties oranges, and a caramel machiatto at starbucks (which is my favorite drink right now) and then I was still hungry. So when I got home, I had an apple with a little peanut butter. I feel satisfied now, and will be ready for dinner out (sushi) at 6.

I have had to be flexible with my eating schedule, and that is ok. My hunger is real, and I need to TRUST my body when it says I need more food. My hunger is genuine and I need to listen to my stomach when it's growling. Being hungry is NOT a weakness. It is normal. And when you don't eat all day you're going to be hungry!! By 3:00 i was SO hungry, and being hungry like that is a danger for me because it sets me up to binge. So I ate. And then ate a little more. And that's ok. In fact it's good! I am listening to the hunger signals!!

This is a big step for me. I am so afraid of listening to my hunger. But I'm doing it now. I'm eating intuitively and I thought I'd never do that! No more meal planning, no more crazy measuring, just eating. And that feels good.

Listen to and trust your body. IT'S OK.

Uncertainty

The thing about eating intuitively is that there is some uncertainty… not knowing exactly what I've eaten today, or knowing the exchanges I've covered, is pretty scary. But I'm doing it. I'm eating, I'm not counting, I am listening to my body and deciding what to eat based on what tastes good and what I'm craving. I am starting to trust my body. I trust that even if I eat a little more than I need, or even if I eat a little less, my body will even everything out .Eating isn't perfect, it isn't a science, it's natural and changing. I can trust my body knows what to do.

I guess I have a fear… what if my intuitive eating means I'm eating too much? Will my dietician tell me to eat less? She told me she wanted me to have fuller, less "diet like" meals. I was eating very bare bones meals of sandwiches with no spreads or toppings and fruits and vegetables. I've been trying to change that and eat real, substantial meals. For lunch I had a sandwich, but I added avocado. That is more normal than eating just a plain sandwich. It is OK to enjoy your food. I am learning how to enjoy food. Even when I'm not really hungry I know I need to eat, and if I'm going to eat I might as well eat food that tastes good! I never used to want to admit that I liked the taste of food.. but I'll admit is now! I love chocolate and ice cream and sweets. I like some fried foods. I like some candy. And that is ok.

Food today so far:
Breakfast: Blueberry, mango, raspberry bran muffin, Greek yogurt with blueberries, raspberries, and pumpkin seeds, coffee with lots of soy milk

Snack: Strawberries and cream oatmeal with raspberries

Lunch: Avocado and veggie sandwich, a pear, and a handful of carrots

Snack: Homemade chai tea latte and an apple

I'm not counting so I don't know how many calories I've had. I'm hoping it's enough. Tonight at dinner my housemate is making chicken so I will have a vegetarian Chik patty, and I will eat rice or pasta or whatever he makes and veggies. I have been avoiding starches at dinner, but I know I need a complete, balanced meal. So I will eat the pasta or rice and be ok with it. I don't know why I have this fear of carbs, but it needs to stop and the only way to overcome the fear is to face it head on. So that's what I'm doing.

I am eating intuitively, I am doing it!! After 5 years of meal planning I am doing this. I feel strong and confident in my ability to just eat, even though my hunger signals are still out of whack. But I am conquering!!

If I can do it so can you. Go recovery!!!!

Success

I have tried out this whole intuitive eating thing and it's going really well!!! This morning I didnt have breakfast planned out so I looked in the cabinets and fridge and decided on egg white oatmeal with pumpkin seeds and raspberries. It was pretty tasty and I felt really full afterward. Being full is a little scary for me, but I am handling it well. Oh I also have coffee with lots of soy milk.

Today I am seeing my family! We are going to the San Diego Zoo, which I love. We will get lunch and walk around the zoo and then my mom will meet up with us and we will go get coffee or something. I'm really excited to spend time with my family. we've been on kind of a pause so seeing them outside of therapy will be really nice.

Today I will eat intuitively. I will eat what tastes good and looks good, and I won' count calories. I can do this. I can totally do this.

Have a lovely Saturday!!!

Experiment!

So this morning I saw my dietician. My weight is fine, I could in fact be eating a little more. And we came to a decision… I am going to try two days without meal planning the night before!! This means eating what I am craving, listening to my hunger and fullness signals, and eating normally!! I am so excited!! I have meal planned every single day for years. Being able to eat what I feel will be awesome. I am hoping it goes well! I am also going to stop calorie counting (I am determined) and I am going to eat my food without measuring. So many big changes and I am thrilled!! All I want more than anything is to be a normal eater and that is what I am going to do. Eat what I want, when I want. I have to naturally eat a little more than I would initially decide to eat so I get in enough, but I can do this! I can!!

This morning I am going to petco. I'm taking the bus there for the first time, so that will be interesting. Unfortunately it is POURING rain, so I will have to walk to the bus stop in the rain. Luckily I have an umbrella now. Then we have a program talent show, where I will be performing with an improv group and singing a couple songs. It will be a pretty sad show, but it's ok. Hopefully it will be fun.

I've waited so long to be a normal eater and now I have the chance to do that. Wish me luck!!

Everything in moderation

Today I saw my dietician. I told her how I've been eating intuitively and she is really excited for me! My weight is stable (from what I can tell) and eating is going well. It was a good meeting. No tears!! YAY!! We ate ice cream, and it tasted really good. I only took a little, though, and I really wanted more… but I felt weird wanting more. I could have eaten a little more. oh well.

Tonight we are going out to dinner at Coco's, and I have a history of ordering things that are really "safe" at that restaurant. "safe" meaning the lowest calorie items, mainly from the "light and fit" menu. Haha. Well tonight I am ordering cod and veggies, which is safe… and then a baked potato with sour cream and butter which is a BIG challenge. Not the potato, but the sour cream and butter is. I really REALLY want to skip out on the butter and sour cream but I have to challenge myself at some point.

So I asked my dietician… is it ok to eat ice cream, a loaded baked potato, and a pop tart (I got pop tarts) in one day. Her answer; YES it is totally ok! It is ok to eat a little ice cream, a baked potato, and a pop tart in one day. My body knows what to do with it. Everything really is OK in moderation. A few "fun"" foods in one day is not a problem! All these things can be part of a healthy diet. Really. It is ok to enjoy food!!

A lot of the time I don't feel like I deserve good food… I use food as an incentive or a punishment. But every person, every creature deserves food. It is a right.
So eat and be merry. YOU DESERVE TO EAT!!!

Cherry coke

I have a new favorite drink (besides coffee) and its cherry coke zero! I like the taste and the bubbles and I really enjoy it. I wish the bottles weren't so expensive but it is what it is haha. Liking soda is progress. Why you ask? I'll tell you.

When I used to binge and purge I would drink huge amounts of soda. I didn't care what kind of soda I would just guzzle it. Now I am drinking soda just because I enjoy it and most importantly I am keeping it down. The bubbles don't make me feel too bloated which is nice. Is coke zero the healthiest beverage? Definitely not. But it won't rot my teeth. The chemicals are not healthy. But a soda every so often really is ok! Basically everything is ok in moderation... Soda, candy, chocolate, other sweets. You don't want to eat those things all day every day. But every so often it is perfectly ok! Eat and drink what you enjoy and what tastes good. For me sometimes what I'm craving is a big juicy apple. Sometimes it's dark chocolate. Sometimes it's carrots. Sometimes it's cookies. And now that I'm listening to my body I feel ok eating all those things! Everything in moderation. Is one serving of chocolate going to make you gain weight? Absolutely not! Eat what feels right in the moment. I'm learning to do this and it feels amazing. 

Listen to your body and your cravings. Trust your body.