Weighing more

I don't know my weight. I have an idea of what I weigh but I don't know the exact number. I had a certain number in my head of what I was "ok" with weighing. And it's very possible, I'm actually fairly sure, that I weigh more than the "ok" weight. So what do I do with this information? Do I freak out and start restricting again? Do I purge? NO. Because I am not my weight. I am a person.

So what if I have gone over my own idea of what's healthy? So what? Real friends aren't going to judge me based on my weight and my family will care about me no matter what the number on the scale says. As a matter of fact, people feel safer with me when I am at a healthy weight. When I am very thin it almost feels people are afraid to be around me. So I weigh a little more. This is actually a good thing!

What are the benefits of weighing more? That's something I forget to look at sometimes. But there ARE positives!!

First, when or if I get sick this year I wil have enough weight on me not to be in danger. A stomach bug or flu won't put me into a danger zone.

I'm not cold all the time. I have enough insulation that I am not freezing in the middle of summer. I feel warm and comfortable, and that is a lot better than being frozen all the time. 

I look my age. I look like a young woman, not a little girl. I can have positions of authority and actually be taken seriously. I don't look like a pathetic sick girl. I look strong and healthy. And that is uncomfortable but ultimately a good thing. I am a woman and I look it.

There are more positives. I can't think of them right now. I'm just trying to convince myself that my new weight is good. I'm healthy. Healthy is good.

At what point will I see things normally?

So my dietician is out of town.... my weight is being reported to my doctor, who is supposed to call me and let me know whether I need to increase, decrease, or stay the same. Today my meal plan stays the same.

How do I feel about this? Well it means that my weight is probably stable, which is good... I thought I'd gained, I was sure I would need a decrease. That just goes to show that my interpretation of how my body is doing and my guesses about what my weight are kind of off.

At what point will I see things normally? At some point I would hope that I will be able to see my body for what it is, not in a distorted way. Some day I want to be able to read my body and know what it needs.

Snack tonight is toast with almond butter and banana and a tea latte :) mmmm. My favorite snack!
Have you had any good snacks lately?

Waiting long enough for things to even out

When you recovery from an eating disorder sometimes you have to gain weight - not always - but in my case yes. I've gained a good 20 pounds in the past 5 weeks and it's super uncomfortable and quite noticeable. The good thing is I didn't grow out if my clothes because I never buy clothes when I am sick... In fact all my clothes for me great now! They just do not look the same. Clothes that hung off me a few weeks ago are now form fitting and it's really uncomfortable. I'm especially self conscious about my stomach puffing out.

I know that people who are gaining weight after restricting don't always gain weight in the most graceful way... In fact it's far from graceful and often really unattractive because the weight ALL goes to your stomach. All the weight I've gained feels like it's gone to my stomach and it's really hard to come to grips with. Logically I know the body does this for a reason... All the day goes to the stomach and abdomens because that's where all your organs are and they need protections ASAP. It's a protective mechanism just not very pretty.

For example my fingers and arms are still rather thin... It's my stomach and somewhat my legs that have swelled up. Ugh. So uncomfortable.

My point... The weight DOES  redistribute. If you give it long enough all that belly fat will spread out to the arms and legs and feet and hands and fingers. It's just hard waiting. I want to redistribution to happen NOW not in a few months from now. I just have had issues in the past waiting long enough for that process to happen. I've always relapsed before my body knew it was actually safe and had enough fat to be healthy. 

This time I can make things different. Being at my goal weight does NOT mean that I stop eating. It means I continue to eat and maintain and stay healthy. I exercise as much as I am allowed, not a crazy insane amount of exercise. I be kind to myself and gentle while my body realizes that it's safe now. That it can be assured there is enough weight on me to be protected and safe.

The weight will redistribute. I just have to be patient.

You are stronger than you believe.  Keep fighting!!

Sometimes I'm ok

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I am ok with what I see. I accept that my body is "healthy" and that I'm now at my target weight. Being at my target weight means a lot of things. First it means that my body is in a healthy place, and that it can start to function properly again. Second, I will get to do so many more things! I get to hopefully, soon, move into regular housing, go for walks, maybe run soon, and have more freedoms. I no longer have to check in with staff before using the bathroom (boy was that annoying) and I am not being watched constantly. People are trusting that I am eating what I need and not purging. And that does feel good! It is nice, after so long being watched, to finally be trusted. My weight is proof that I'm doing what's right.
Today I found out that I am at my goal weight (almost, but pretty much). Of course I cried. I'm uncomfortable. My belly is swollen, my legs are bigger, my arms are bigger... but after a small meltdown, I got lunch and started eating and realized I don't want to be sick the rest of my life. Being sick takes away all the joy from life, everything is a struggle. I'm tired and weak and cranky and I'm not trusted at all! At a healthy weight I do have more freedom, more responsibility... but freedom and independence and THAT is what I want. I want to be free. Finally.

So I came home and looked in the mirror and expected to hate what I saw, but I actually felt ok. I'm wearing a tank top, and yes my tummy is rounder and puffing out a little, and no my arms aren't sticks anymore, but IT'S OK. I am ok the way I am. My weight does not make me ugly, or worthless, or undeserving. In fact being at a healthy weight makes me look better in many ways. People won't stare at me and think I look sickly, I am strong. Hopefully I can start exercising more, get in good shape, and feel even better! New look; healthy and strong. NO more weakness and frail thinness.

I can do this. MUST do this!!
Keep fighting friends. Never give up.

Chance to start over

Yesterday was not what I'd call a success.. Much of it was spent crying (which happens sometimes that's ok) but I also didn't follow through with keeping down dinner and snack. I felt shaky and hungry and overall not good, which I guess is a reminder for me of how crappy I feel when I have behaviors. It doesn't feel good. My body cries out for care and last night I didn't give it the care it needed. I should have had ensures to make up for what I lost, but I didnt. I went to bed hungry. Luckily I fell asleep pretty  quickly so there wasn't too much time to feel sorry for myself.

But today is a new day. A chance to start over. I've made my coffee drink which I'm sipping and I will have breakfast, all of breakfast; and keep it down. And then I will have snack and lunch and snack and dinner and snack (but I'm going to focus on one thing at a time. Getting through breakfast). It will be a better day. I can choose to make today a better day.

I feel like I don't deserve all the food I'm eating because I'm close to my goal weight... But from what I've heard one if the hardest parts of recovery is gaining those last few pounds. It's easy to undershoot but from what I've read the lower your recovery weight the more likely you are to relapse. I want to be safe so I suppose I need to gain these last few pounds: it's uncomfortable but needs to happen. I talked to my therapist also about the importance of having a little extra weight on me:.. If I relapse or have a slip up, or even if I get the flu or stomach but I'll have a little weight to fall back on I guess. 

Anyway, I'm starting the day. 

Breakfast: toast w almond butter, frozen berries, veggie sausage, and soy milk coffee 

Day of tears

It's been a day of crying... starting around 12 and until 4. Sobbing.
I am feeling out of control... guilty, ashamed, ugly, disgusting, horrible. I put on my new dress this morning and it looks good! I feel comfortable in it, it's really pretty - a cool neckline/straps and a floral design. I was feeling good.

And then I had therapy, and it was hard... we are talking about a lot of tough stuff right now related to my body and abuse and trauma. It set me off, especially when my therapist told me I am getting close to my goal weight. And then I found out that my dietician is leaving on vacation for two weeks! What if I reach my goal weight and she's not here to lower my meal plan??? I talked to her and she assured me I would get weighed at my regular times, and that my doctor will adjust my meal plan accordingly. But I am panicking. On one hand I feel good about my body. I'm stronger, I'm not dizzy, I have energy. On the other hand I am bloated and puffy, my stomach sticks out, my thighs are bigger, my arms are bigger. Everything is bigger. And it does not feel good.

So how will I "self soothe?" All I want to do is restrict and purge. I thought about purging before getting weighed but I resisted. The urge is STRONG though, and I'm afraid of slipping backwards... it would be so easy. Nobody is watching me after meals, I could easily get away with purging. But how would that help me??? It wouldn't.
I have things to look forward to.

I'm really sorry if I keep repeating myself in these posts. I just have to keep telling myself over and over and OVER that this pain and agony will be worth it in the end.... there are good things coming my way if I can just get healthy. So many good things.

Part of me feels that once I am at a healthy weight nobody will care about me anymore. That I won't get the same care and attention, that I will be overlooked. Which is silly, because once I am healthy I can do the hard work that I need to to truly heal. My therapists have told me they won't give up on me, I guess I just have trouble believing them. In previous treatment I've reached a healthy weight and then been booted out of the program. I'm assured that won't happen here, but I can't help but be afraid. I've been sick for so long.... it's scary to think about being healthy. Not being the "sick one" is foreign to me. But being healthy HAS to be better than being sick, right?

I wish someone would assure me that everything is going to be ok.... I just feel so hopeless right now. I want to refuse dinner, but will that get me anywhere? Will that get me into regular housing? NO. Absolutely not. Which is why I will eat dinner. And snack. And move on with my life.
Just have to keep pushing forward. Forward, it's the only way to go.

Destination: HEALTHY

It's just a number...

I get weighed today and I am kind of FREAKING out. I know the number is up. Part of me feels so embarrassed to step on the scale, proof of my "ugliness" proof of my failure and how disgusting I am.

But this thinking is illogical.

Gaining weight is a GOOD thing. Really good! When I get to my goal weight I will have so many good things waiting for me! Independent housing, school, my pets, driving... it's a big list of good things that will happen once I gain the weight!
So why am I so miserable about gaining weight??

I had a lot of trauma growing up. And my body was abused and objectified.
And now I am the abuser of my body.
But no more.

I will be kind to my body. Feed it what it needs. Let it get to the ideal weight and stay there, as much as I want to fight!!! I DON'T WANT TO GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT. But I need it. My body needs it. And once I get there I will feel better in many ways.

Ugh.
I am so conflicted and so out of sorts. i don't want to get out of bed.... I don't want to start the day. I want the day to go away so I can get in bed again!! I have therapy this morning, hopefully it will help me put some things in perspective. My therapist is tough, and tells me things how they are, and always challenges me and my other parts.

I will have breakfast and snack and lunch and move on with my day. End of story.
Onward!

Being comfortable in your body

SO incredibly uncomfortable in my body right now. Not one item of clothing looks right, my clothes just DON'T look right. They are tight and fitting, my stomach is sticking out, my legs are getting rounder, my face is getting chubbier.... all a part of recovery just so uncomfortable. Gaining weight is the worst part of recovery, and I've always fought to stay at a weight that is just barely enough to be healthy. I cognitively know that to get truly healthy I need to weigh a bit more, have some cushion, in case I relapse or get sick or something like that. In that case it would be good to have on some extra weight so that I don't plummet into sickness like I have in the past. When I start purging I lose weight very quickly, so I need to have that extra cushion.
But it sucks.
A lot.

I spend each morning trying on clothes. There is no mirror in my room, so I jump back and forth between my room and the bathroom and the window outside. Body checking like crazy. I have stopped body checking with my hands as it is unhelpful and makes me feel worse. I am doing everything I can to keep myself from going absolutely crazy... but I don't feel right. I feel off. I feel wrong. I feel like I am doing something bad. I feel ugly. I feel like I don't deserve to eat what I'm eating.... why should I feed a fat body? My body is not fat, it just feels that way. And fat is not a feeling.

So how can we feel better about our bodies?? I can't hate my body forever. It will make me miserable and unhappy for the rest of my life.

Here are some ways to boost body self esteem from Greta Gleissner:

1.) Acknowledge and Identify: When I notice that "I feel fat" feeling, the first thing I do is recognize that I am having the feeling. The second thing I realize is that fat is NOT a feeling. The phrase is actually a thought. Furthermore, "feeling" fat is often easier than feeling angry, hurt, lonely, etc. That leads me to wonder in what way my emotions may be making me feel emotionally full or fat. I try to first identify what is going on for me emotionally.

2.) Choose: I remind myself that when my negative voice tries to disrupt my happiness with intrusive body image thoughts, I have a choice in how I respond to those thoughts. I can choose to listen to the thoughts and fuel self-hatred, or I can choose to change the thoughts and reinforce self-love.

3.) Make a Decision: After I recognize I have a choice not to feel badly about my body, I decide to do something different. Sometimes a decision is all it takes. No one is forcing you to hate your body, so make the decision not to.

4.) Shift the Focus: After I choose NOT to listen to negative body image thoughts and make a decision not to dwell on it, my next move is to shift my focus onto something else. Think about it: The more you focus on something like fear or a body part, the larger it becomes.

5.) Support: When body image issues arise, the last thing you probably want to do is be around others. I have found that surrounding myself with positive people in my life actually help because it gets me out of myself. Feeling connected with others can actually help squash some of the perfectionism and criticism tied to body dissatisfaction.

6.) Appreciate: Instead of focusing on how your body looks from the outside, think of all of the wonderful attributes and strengths your body has from the inside. Make a gratitude list of all the things you appreciate about your body.

7.) Redefine: Create a new definition of beauty. If your body dissatisfaction is driven by the feeling of an inability to measure up to rigid societal standards, then think about how you can offer yourself more flexibility around your personal definition of beauty.

8.) Stop Comparing: The more we compare, the more we feel despair. When we compare, especially when experiencing body dissatisfaction, we are going to see all the positives in someone else and negatives in ourselves. Comparisons are not usually helpful, even if we are in the best of mental states.

9.) Have Compassion: In moments when body image issues come up, I am usually feeling critical in some way about myself. If I dig deep, most of the time I realize it is not about my body. My body is just the go-to negative coping mechanism I utilize in the moment. What I need most when I am feeling and focusing negatively about my body or myself is to treat myself with kindness. Beating myself up will not help me, but doing something nice for myself that pertains to self-care will. If you must focus on a body part, do it with compassion and get a manicure and pedicure!

10.) Gain Acceptance: Finally, accept your body in this moment. Imagine how different your life can be in this very moment if you stop trying to berate, change or control your body and instead allow yourself to accept your body for what it is. When we accept, we let go of the struggle.

If you notice, each of the ten tools begins with an action word. Taking action is the "how" of change. We all have the ability, when we are ready, to take action. Don't put it off any longer. Get into action and you can feel better about your body in an instant!

20 Ways to Love Your Body

Compiled By: Margo Maine, PhD

1. Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams.  Honor it.  Respect it.  Fuel it.
2. Create a list of all the things your body lets you do.  Read it and add to it often.
3. Become aware of what your body can do each day.  Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.
4. Create a list of people you admire:  people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world.  Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments. 
5. Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
6. Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
7. Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.
8. Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
9. Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance.  Try one!
10. Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy. 
11. Consider this:  your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months.  Your body is extraordinary—begin to respect and appreciate it.
12. Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
13. Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
14. Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.  Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.
15. Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body.  Loving your body means you get to feel like that again, even in this body, at this age.
16. Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself—without mentioning your appearance.  Add to it daily!
17. Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”
18. Search for the beauty in the world and in yourself.
19. Consider that, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way.”
20. Eat when you are hungry.  Rest when you are tired.  Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.

Good morning!

Good morning :)

It's Sunday, which means tomorrow is monday.... Which means I get weighed. And I'm already panicking about it!!! Is it up? I'm pretty sure! Have I maintained, have I lost? I'm pretty sure I've gained I can tell in my body. My legs are bigger, my stomach is bigger. It's really uncomfortable. My jeans are much tighter than they were. They fit now... I guess it's kind of nice growing into clothes that are supposed to fit but at the same time it feels rotten. I'm filling out which sucks, but I'm dealing with it. I associate in my mind weight gain with being ugly. Healthy and ugly. But the truth is That healthy is beautiful! Healthy is strong. Healthy is brave. Healthy is good. So what if my weight is up! I'm working toward so many good things that are tied directly to my weight gain. I gain weight and GOOD things happen! Getting my ratties, moving houses, gaining independence and freedoms. GAINING IS GOOD!

Today's breakfast is really filling but one of my favorites... Bran muffin from Trader Joe's that is really tasty, Greek yogurt with berries and almonds, and a coffee. Healthy and delicious! I can't wait until I can decide what I'm having for breakfast. I love yogurt and we only have it once a week here... Granola and yogurt with fruit is one of my favorite breakfasts, so is cinnamon sugar toast. I also like kashi go lean cereal with soy milk, and oatmeal which we only have once a week as well. I can't wait until I can choose!

So many good things to look forward to when I get healthy. Choosing my food, being independent, going for runs by the lake... So many good things!!!!

Never stop fighting!!!

Weight gain

In group today I was talking about how I'm doing well, eating, getting along with my parents, moving forward... And an older lady in the group said probably the worst thing you can say to someone recovering from an eating disorder; "I notice how much weight you've gained..." 

She may have said something after that. But I fell apart: switched to Polly and started sobbing. My worst suspicion... People actually see and notice my body changing. And for me it's not just the weight gain, it's looking like woman. Having a woman's body is terrifying to me due to past trauma. But my fears have been confirmed. My weight gain is apparent to others.

So what do I do from here? Do I give in to the melt down and slip into a downward spiral? Do I refuse dinner? Do I start cutting corners, body checking, calorie counting, depriving my body of what it needs?

NO. Absolutely not.

I move forward. I eat dinner, all of dinner, and then eat snack all of snack. I pick myself up, say some affirmations, and move forward. One comment from someone I barely know will NOT throw me off course. I am strong.

And now that I've had some space to think and process, this lady didn't mean to hurt my feelings. In fact she was probably trying to be supportive and congratulate me on the work I'm doing. I was and (and technically still am) underweight and needing to gain. And now that I've gained some much needed weight I probably do look healthier. For some reason "healthy" had a negative connotation in my mind.... I associate healthy with fat, plump, round when really healthy is a great thing!! Healthy means I can move into independent living, go to school, drive, get out of treatment... Even have kids some day. If I continue to be unhealthy I will never have kids and a family. And I want to have a family!! I know it's far away  but I want my body to function, and I want to live. 

So I will eat my dinner. Call my parents. Eat my snack. Move forward.

I DESERVE to gain weight and be happy. And so do you. End of story.

Weigh in

I started to panic last night about my weigh in this morning. "What's my weight?" "Will it be up?" "Will it be down?" "I'm huge" "I'm embarrassed"
So many thoughts, you get the picture.
Part of me feels that gaining weight makes me ugly. That my dietician will see into my soul, see my ugliness...
But it went ok. My weight is exactly the same as it was on Monday. I'm not ugly I'm healthy. Getting healthier with every pound. I am not my weight. I am a person.
My dietician even added to my meal plan a little because my metabolism is so healthy and speedy :) more food... Haha.

Ready to see kittens and proceed with my day! Never give up!!!

How to beat urges and anxiety

Just finished my 3pm snack... by this time of the day I start to get pretty uncomfortable. It feels like everything I've eaten is just piling up in my stomach, and there's nothing I can do to feel better. The urge to have behaviors skyrockets. I guess the worst time is after dinner... but right now I'm feeling really anxious. All I want to do is go to the store, buy a gallon of ice cream, and drown my sorrows.

Makes no sense right? Feeling full to the brim, yet dying to binge. I know it's emotional, not physical hunger. I am physically full. Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. So the question is what can one do to soothe him/herself when feeling really high anxiety and panic? I'm going to list all the ones I can think of. If you have ideas on how to reduce anxiety in a healthy way, please share!!

1. color
2. draw
3. write
4. read - get lost in a book
5. listen to music
6. watch a movie or tv show
7. bake (as long as it's not triggering)
8. go for a gentle walk
9. stretch
10. do yoga
11. go on pinterest
12. chat with a friend
13. surf the internet
14. play a musical instrument (I play guitar, flute, and piano)
15. sing karaoke
16. Take a hot shower or bath (if you feel safe)
17. start a blog :)
18. Watch silly youtube videos
19. go out in nature - feed ducks, go to a lake, go for a hike, etc.
20. do an art project - make bracelets, do origami, paint pottery... the ideas are endless!

 So basically there are healthy things to do instead of restrict/binge/purge/overexercise/cutting. There are SO MANY healthy ways to distract and cope with anxiety. To all my nonexistent readers; Thank you for giving me this space to share my thoughts and work through my feelings. I will work through these feelings.

Time for a new wardrobe

It's time for new clothes - or at least clothes I haven't worn in a while. My clothes still fit me - actually they fit better than they did a couple weeks ago, but they just don't look the same. They don't fit right. They are fitted now, instead of baggy. My stomach is swollen and puffy, my legs and feet are retaining water and it's uncomfortable. I need new clothes to wear.

I could sit in a pile on the floor and cry that my clothes aren't right anymore. Or I can get excited! New clothes to wear.... who doesn't want a new set of clothes!

While you're in recovery don't measure yourself with clothes. Wear things that are comfortable and make you feel good. Don't worry about sizes, focus on getting healthy. Bloating is normal, uncomfortable, but normal. Don't let it throw you off.
None of my clothes fit - oh well. It is what it is.
I am getting healthy. And that's what matters. I will get used to my body's changes. I will

For now it's baggy sweaters and leggings! I can rock that!

How do YOU deal with body changes??

There's just more of me to love

So it feels like I've gained 20 lbs in the past week...
Logically I know that isn't possible... but I look SO different.
Maybe I'm just swollen and bloated? I'm told I need to just ride it out... let my body adjust. But it does NOT feel good. I feel ginormous. Like a blimp, a balloon, really huge.

I read an article, and it really challenged the thoughts I've been having. Basically agreement that the beginning of recovery, refeeding, SUCKS. It really does. Nobody has an easy time at the beginning of treatment. I've gone through this process before, but always in a hospital setting where it wasn't my choice, I was being instructed by nurses, staff, etc. It felt like I HAD to eat, that I didn't have the choice. I was feeing miserable but it wasn't my fault. I could blame whichever program I was in. Now I'm gaining outpatient, with support, but it's MY choice whether I'm going to gain weight and get healthy. And for some reason that's harder to accept. I can't place the blame on anyone other than myself.

And I suppose I shouldn't "blame" myself for anything, because I am choosing to be healthy and that's a great thing!! Yes, I'm uncomfortable now but it will get better if I'm patient.

Another part of this article was about "redefining weight gain."
Instead of seeing it as losing a body you worked so hard to attain, try to see it as acquiring a new body that will allow you to participate in life. Because the truth is that eating disorders prevent you from truly living. You’re alive, but you aren’t really able to engage in life. You’re numb and withdrawn. You aren’t able to be present and enjoy the moment. Your time and energy are so consumed by eating disorder thoughts and behaviors that you have no time and energy for friendship, family, love, or fun. You lose everything for the sake of maintaining your thinness. And that is not really living.

My body is getting and will get bigger... but my life will get bigger too! Suffering from an eating disorder is not really living... it's barely surviving. I want to truly LIVE, to be truly healthy and happy, and that means gaining weight. End of story. So I have to ask myself which is more important? Being small and miserable, or being bigger but happy and healthy? I think I choose the second option. No, I don't think, I know I want to be happy and healthy.
My life has been hard and sometimes, most of the time actually, I don't feel that I deserve a happy life. But every person and animal on this earth deserves to have a happy life. I am a person, therefore I count.

I really need to work on my positive self-talk. Instead of constant "I'm ugly, I'm a failure" I need to reframe and start being more positive. It doesn't have to be about looks. I am strong. I am brave. I am enough... all those affirmations that are so hard to believe at first.

You deserve to be happy and healthy. What are you willing to do to get there?

Gaining weight

Gaining weight... not something anyone wants to do really. Everyone is trying to LOSE weight. Follow this diet or that diet, cut out "these 5 foods," do these work outs, lose 10 lbs, lose 20 lbs. It's crazy making.
Some of us need to gain weight. Like me. I'm trying to gain weight right now, and it's harder than it seems. You have to eat A LOT to gain weight. To be exact, to gain a pound, you have to eat 3500 calories more than your RMR, resting metabolic rate.
You may be thinking "Just eat! Everything you want!" For me it's not that simple - every bite of food is hard, and anything extra is even harder. Mentally, logically, I know how to gain weight. Emotionally, gaining weight is really hard.
But if you're trying to gain weight, here are some tips!

- Eat 5-6 times a day. I eat 6 times a day; three meals, three snacks. Eat throughout the day, eat healthy, hearty snacks between your meals. For me it's easier to do 6 smaller meals instead of three really big meals. I don't feel as uncomfortable.

- Choose full fat, full calorie products. No "light" or "nonfat" foods! Full fat cheese, yogurt, milk

- Choose high calorie, dense, nutritious foods! Avocado, nuts and nut butters, dried fruit, cheese

- Cook with healthy fats! Olive oil, coconut oil, canola oil

- Add condiments, toppings, and spreads. Butter, salad dressing, cheese, ketchup, mayo, nuts and dried fruit in oatmeal, syrup or jelly on pancakes and waffles, cream and sugar in coffee

- Have caloric drinks with your meals. Juice, milk, gatorade, smoothies, milkshakes, supplements like ensure plus or boost

- Have dessert! Try to choose foods that are high in nutrients, but also enjoy full fat ice cream, cakes, cookies, pastries, muffins, brownies, frozen yogurt with lots of toppings... have fun!

Listen to your body... if you feel hungry, eat! I am working on just this. Listening to my body. I get scared of hunger, but really it can only help me right now!

Keep fighting friends!!