Nice day :)

It's been a really nice day. Started out strong with my dietician, played with kitties, and then off to a big family event. It was a talent show. I sang a few songs, participated in some skits… it was really nice and I didn't think that my parents would show up but my dad came! That was super nice. We had a really good time together. He was funny and happy and I was happy too. I am so grateful for the work I've done with my family. It's like I have a new set of parents. I wish we could have worked on things sooner, but I'm glad we have worked on them now. I feel very lucky. Not all families that are broken can be repaired they way mine has. I'm a lucky girl for sure.

Eating… I haven't even thought much about it today, I've been too distracted! I had my breakfast, a granola bar for snack, and I did eat at the event, although probably not quite enough. I haven't had snack yet… I am going to grab coffee with a friend. I think I'll get a chai tea latte. Mmmmm. And then I will come home and prepare dinner for myself. Tomorrow we are going to a steak house so I'm not sure what I'll have… baked potato sounds good.

Hope you are having a lovely day, and happy friday!

I choose recovery

Yesterday I decided to stop eating. And then I thought about that, and thought about how silly I was being. So I started eating again. Although I was far under what I needed to eat yesterday, I ate and kept everything down. I think this shows huge progress. I easily could have skipped my night snack, or purged dinner, but I didn't. I pushed through and made the right, smart decisions for myself. Every day is a battle. Choosing to do what is healthy. But I am fighting, and I am fighting really REALLY hard. I dont want to be sick anymore. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to be strong. I don't want to be in the hospital anymore. I want to be in school, and I want to be working. I don't want to have a feeding tube, I want to feed myself. Every day I choose. Today I choose life. I choose food. I choose to be uncomfortable, even though it sucks. Recovery feels counterintuitive sometimes. Doing the right thing feels SO SO wrong. But it IS the right thing. I choose recovery. I CHOOSE RECOVERY.

Today I am playing with kitties and then having lunch with my dad, and then maybe coffee with my mom. I am getting closer to my family every day, and it is a beautiful thing. I don't feel so hopelessly alone anymore. And I think about how disappointed my family would be if I relapsed… they are so proud of me right now. The last thing I'd want to do is end up in the hospital and put my parents through that hell again. No. I am healthy. I am strong. I am moving forward not backwards.  I have people who love me and care about me. I can't let them down. And I can't let myself down.

I'm sorry I've seemed so frantic lately. I am just desperately trying to convince myself that I AM doing the right thing. recovery sucks. But being sick sucks even more. I am a fighter, I am a warrior. I'm not going down yet.

I survived!

Spent the day with my family celebrating Rosh Hashanah and it went much better than last night. We went to services, which were nice. The music was kind of boring, but the prayers were full of hope. I'm glad it's a new year. After services I had lunch with my dad and then got a haircut (finally my hair was a mess!). Then we went back to the house and I went in the jacuzzi (after I got over the bathing suit thing). It was a nice afternoon.

This evening we went to the beach for a service called "Tashlich" where you throw bread into the ocean to cast away your sins for the year. My mom and I went for a walk on the beach and then had the service and then had a pot-luck dinner. I ate so many carrots and so much fruit I was stuffed. I probably should have had other food, but I was feeling kind of uncertain. I did ok. I will have a substantial snack tonight.

Tonight when I got home, I took a quiz for school and got 100%. Yay!

It was nice spending time with my family and REALLY nice not having therapy all day!!! I have been so exhausted from therapy and more therapy and it was so so nice to have a day off. Now I'm back home with my ratties and sitting watching cooking shows. So overall a good day. I survived.

School

School is hard right now.. it's not that the classes themselves are hard, it's the content that's really hard to deal with. In one of my classes, Child Growth and Development, we are learning about development in the womb and childbirth. And we have to watch videos. And it is really not pretty. Women giving birth is NOT something I enjoy watching. In fact it really disturbs me... I guess women give birth to babies every day and it's a natural process but it just looks SO abnormal. Pushing out a baby sounds like the most painful thing in the world.

In my other class, Child, Family, and Community, we are talking about parenting and child abuse :( We are working on a big project about socialization, talking about our life and how we were socialized as a child. As I go through this project I am faced with the fact that I was very poorly socialized. I never developed a secure attachment to an adult when I was a child, and that left me somewhat socially delayed. And it was many people and many different instances in my life where I was maltreated. It's hard to read about the prevalence of child abuse. It happens every day. It happened to me. Children are small and innocent and unable to defend themselves, and every day adults take advantage of that vulnerability. So sad.

Today has been a good day. This afternoon I went out with my parents and my sister and we painted pottery! We went to a ceramics cafe and painted a platter together and it was really fun. My dad just couldn't get his paint brush steady... my sister cracks me up. But we had a really good time just spending time together as a family. I'm grateful for the progress my family has made, so grateful. We have come a really long way. I can't believe things used to be so bad. Things are finally looking up for us as a family. And that makes me happy.

Back to studying!

The jitters... But overall good day!

It's been a nice day... Lots of good things. I'm feeling pretty jittery and overhwhelmed. Maybe so many good things at once is overwhelming? Haha

Woke up early, took a shower and put on some makeup. Felt good! Had a light breakfast (but followed my meal plan) and headed out to petco. There are four absolutely adorable kittens- rue, Russ, ruggles, and Rooney. They are so playful and sweet and purr when you pick them up. There is no better sound than a kitty purring in my opinion. Beautiful little purr balls. I'm in love! The older kitties are so sweet as well- batman, sully, and bae. Being with the kitties makes me so happy. I wish I could take them all home!!

The my mom picked me up to have a lunch date! And.... It went amazingly well!!! We ate at Taste Of Thai and shared spring rolls with peanut sauce and a red curry and it was absolutely delicious!! I could have drank the curry with a straw it was so yummy! I ate just enough and felt good. It's nice to be able to go to a restaurant, order what sounds good, and eat until I'm satisfied. Baby steps!!!! Then we walked in some shops, I got a black skirt, and got some coffee (my third cup of the day, not the best idea!).

My mom dropped me off and I painted my nails, and then had my snack. I decided to have another banana muffin because they are moist and sweet and delicious and fit into my meal plan.

Then we went to Starbucks (again) and I got a soy misto (decaf this time) which was really tasty. I think all this adventurous food is making me anxious... I haven't had a "fun " day of eating in forever!!! I guess it's just foreign territory... Scary but also really exciting and huge progress! I think I'm proud of myself. I am breaking every rule, going against all the negativity in my head. It's hard but I'm choosing the healthy route and enjoying the process! Wow!!

Getting ready for dinner now..: I'm so full but determined to finish the day strong!

Never give up!!

Foreign territory

Today was a family event at Hanbleceya (the treatment center I'm at). All the clients were allowed to see family members and spend the day together.
It was really nice - I got along so well with both of my parents. I feel like they love me. I feel like we can talk, like we can just get along and be ok. That all the horrible stuff in the past is finally over.
But I'm afraid.
Things are going so well - I am TERRIFIED that everything is going to fall apart, unravel. Things are going too well... it can't last. It just can't. Can it?
I've been wide awake until 1 in the morning the past several nights, just thinking. When are things going to come crashing down? I am in foreign territory. I am eating. I am gaining weight. I am happy. I am getting along with my parents... so weird. It all feels so wrong, so unnatural, I'm afraid that it's going to end and I am going to fall apart worse than ever before.

One moment at a time, I will take things. One day of success is a day of success. Nothing can undo the positive things that are happening right now. Good things are happening and that's ok. It's just scary. Because things are going so well, if something bad were to happen now I would be devastated. I don't know how I'd pick myself back up.

But for now I am going to try to be grateful and soak up the amazing feelings of being loved and actually belonging somewhere. I have a family. For now, I belong. Crazy.

If this is a dream, don't wake me up.