I choose recovery

Yesterday I decided to stop eating. And then I thought about that, and thought about how silly I was being. So I started eating again. Although I was far under what I needed to eat yesterday, I ate and kept everything down. I think this shows huge progress. I easily could have skipped my night snack, or purged dinner, but I didn't. I pushed through and made the right, smart decisions for myself. Every day is a battle. Choosing to do what is healthy. But I am fighting, and I am fighting really REALLY hard. I dont want to be sick anymore. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to be strong. I don't want to be in the hospital anymore. I want to be in school, and I want to be working. I don't want to have a feeding tube, I want to feed myself. Every day I choose. Today I choose life. I choose food. I choose to be uncomfortable, even though it sucks. Recovery feels counterintuitive sometimes. Doing the right thing feels SO SO wrong. But it IS the right thing. I choose recovery. I CHOOSE RECOVERY.

Today I am playing with kitties and then having lunch with my dad, and then maybe coffee with my mom. I am getting closer to my family every day, and it is a beautiful thing. I don't feel so hopelessly alone anymore. And I think about how disappointed my family would be if I relapsed… they are so proud of me right now. The last thing I'd want to do is end up in the hospital and put my parents through that hell again. No. I am healthy. I am strong. I am moving forward not backwards.  I have people who love me and care about me. I can't let them down. And I can't let myself down.

I'm sorry I've seemed so frantic lately. I am just desperately trying to convince myself that I AM doing the right thing. recovery sucks. But being sick sucks even more. I am a fighter, I am a warrior. I'm not going down yet.