Reflection

Yesterday was hard. Standing amongst people In a congregation that used to be mine..listening to the music that I used to Play and not being a part of it anymore. So sad. I used to love playing my flute, improvising and feeling the music. And then the words from my cantor telling me that I can no longer play because I was out of tune. A huge blow, world shattering pain and shame. I haven't picked up my flute since then, not once. The flute, something I loved, something that was a part of me, disconnected. No longer mine. The extention of my arms just broken. So much sadness. Mourning the loss of an instrument that used to be mine.

It's the new year. A time to reflect. A time to look at yourself and try to be a better person for that next year. I have made many mistakes this year. But I have also made good choices: I have gotten stronger and braver and I have grown up.  I have looked deep inside myself and tried to change the parts of myself that are less than perfect, the parts that are hurting and that act out. I have looked into my soul and tried to change. And I have made changes. Huge changes. but there is always room for progress.

I go into this new year with humility and hope. I am perfectly imperfect and I am looking to improve myself every day. I am stronger than I've ever been. Each day is an enormous challenge - constantly fighting to make the right choices: to eat to drink to rest to sleep. I hope that this process of recovery will become a second nature, that it won't be so miserable every day. I guess I can only hope. It's a new year. Time for new beginnings. Time to look inside myself. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am brave. I am strong. I am a fighter. I am a warrior. I will make it through this next year, not merely surviving but actually living. It's time for me to shime. It's time to finally feel successful, to feel that I am actually going places in life. I am going places in life. From my lowest low the only way I could go was up. And upward I go.

Here's to a sweet new year, full of hope, love, laughter, success, and happiness. Shanah tovah.