My day

Today has been a good day. I am exhausted but it was really nice! Woke up early and had coffee and breakfast, took a nap :) and then I got dressed and my grandma and I took the dogs out, and then went to the French quarter!! It was only 39 degrees today. BURRR. It was freezing cold. But we went out, took the ferry across the river, and went to the quarter. It was pretty quiet, which was nice. And guess what?? I ATE BEIGNETS! Beignets are kind of like a donut… just fried dough with lots of powdered sugar on top. They were hot and absolutely delicious, and had a cafe au lait on the side. Yum :) I can't believe I ate them and it felt good! normal eating is AWESOME. 

Tomorrow morning my best friend is picking me up and we are going to taste wedding cakes (she's getting married in June) and then we will spend the day together. I haven't seen her in over a year, and I get to meet her fiancee and new step daughter to be. I'm a little nervous about seeing her, to be honest, but excited as well. 

Now it's time to sit and relax and warm up!! And have dinner :) 

Happy Day!!

Uncertainty

The thing about eating intuitively is that there is some uncertainty… not knowing exactly what I've eaten today, or knowing the exchanges I've covered, is pretty scary. But I'm doing it. I'm eating, I'm not counting, I am listening to my body and deciding what to eat based on what tastes good and what I'm craving. I am starting to trust my body. I trust that even if I eat a little more than I need, or even if I eat a little less, my body will even everything out .Eating isn't perfect, it isn't a science, it's natural and changing. I can trust my body knows what to do.

I guess I have a fear… what if my intuitive eating means I'm eating too much? Will my dietician tell me to eat less? She told me she wanted me to have fuller, less "diet like" meals. I was eating very bare bones meals of sandwiches with no spreads or toppings and fruits and vegetables. I've been trying to change that and eat real, substantial meals. For lunch I had a sandwich, but I added avocado. That is more normal than eating just a plain sandwich. It is OK to enjoy your food. I am learning how to enjoy food. Even when I'm not really hungry I know I need to eat, and if I'm going to eat I might as well eat food that tastes good! I never used to want to admit that I liked the taste of food.. but I'll admit is now! I love chocolate and ice cream and sweets. I like some fried foods. I like some candy. And that is ok.

Food today so far:
Breakfast: Blueberry, mango, raspberry bran muffin, Greek yogurt with blueberries, raspberries, and pumpkin seeds, coffee with lots of soy milk

Snack: Strawberries and cream oatmeal with raspberries

Lunch: Avocado and veggie sandwich, a pear, and a handful of carrots

Snack: Homemade chai tea latte and an apple

I'm not counting so I don't know how many calories I've had. I'm hoping it's enough. Tonight at dinner my housemate is making chicken so I will have a vegetarian Chik patty, and I will eat rice or pasta or whatever he makes and veggies. I have been avoiding starches at dinner, but I know I need a complete, balanced meal. So I will eat the pasta or rice and be ok with it. I don't know why I have this fear of carbs, but it needs to stop and the only way to overcome the fear is to face it head on. So that's what I'm doing.

I am eating intuitively, I am doing it!! After 5 years of meal planning I am doing this. I feel strong and confident in my ability to just eat, even though my hunger signals are still out of whack. But I am conquering!!

If I can do it so can you. Go recovery!!!!

Cherry coke

I have a new favorite drink (besides coffee) and its cherry coke zero! I like the taste and the bubbles and I really enjoy it. I wish the bottles weren't so expensive but it is what it is haha. Liking soda is progress. Why you ask? I'll tell you.

When I used to binge and purge I would drink huge amounts of soda. I didn't care what kind of soda I would just guzzle it. Now I am drinking soda just because I enjoy it and most importantly I am keeping it down. The bubbles don't make me feel too bloated which is nice. Is coke zero the healthiest beverage? Definitely not. But it won't rot my teeth. The chemicals are not healthy. But a soda every so often really is ok! Basically everything is ok in moderation... Soda, candy, chocolate, other sweets. You don't want to eat those things all day every day. But every so often it is perfectly ok! Eat and drink what you enjoy and what tastes good. For me sometimes what I'm craving is a big juicy apple. Sometimes it's dark chocolate. Sometimes it's carrots. Sometimes it's cookies. And now that I'm listening to my body I feel ok eating all those things! Everything in moderation. Is one serving of chocolate going to make you gain weight? Absolutely not! Eat what feels right in the moment. I'm learning to do this and it feels amazing. 

Listen to your body and your cravings. Trust your body. 

Afraid of food

Food is necessary. We need food to survive. Yet I am afraid of food…. how does that make any sense? I'm not afraid of breathing, I'm not afraid of sleeping…. but I'm afraid of food.
My fears go back a very long time, to when i was about 4 years old. I had such bad anxiety that I would frequently get sick to my stomach… First my mom thought I was allergic to milk or lactose intolerant, so I cut out all dairy from my diet. Then I was afraid of other foods because I thought they made me sick. I gradually cut more and more foods out of my diet, including meat, because I was afraid. No little child should fear food. But I did.

As I got older the stomach problems continued and I just became fed up with getting sick all the time. I decided I would stop eating, mostly because I was afraid of food. I didn't develop body image issues until much later. My eating disorder started simply as a fear of food.

I am trying to get over this fear. Every day eating something that challenges me, eating things that I used to like and that I enjoy. It is OK to enjoy food. It is OK for food to taste good! Life would be so boring without good food… I love chocolate and I didn't allow myself to have chocolate for a very long time. Now I enjoy a small piece of chocolate every day AND I enjoy it. I allow myself to have hot chocolate, and even ice cream with my dietician. I am slowly introducing back into my life the foods that I've been afraid of, and it feels good.

If you are afraid of a food, challenge yourself and eat it! Do you really not like the food or are you afraid of it? Be brave and eat that piece of chocolate… have a slice of pizza at a friends house, eat full fat foods, skip the "diet" foods… You can do it. You are STRONGER than the urge to restrict or purge of binge, you don't have to be afraid anymore. We can do this together.

I hate social gatherings

Today there was  big barbecue at one of the other houses at Hanbleceya (the treatment program I'm in). There were burgers and hot dogs and brats and TONS of food. I have a lot of trouble with these events. First of all there are lots of people, eating, swimming, socializing and that is a little anxiety provoking. I don't quite know where I fit in... who to talk to, where to sit, what to do. It's just a little uncomfortable. And then there's the food. Today alone there were all the burgers and hot dogs plus salads, plus pasta salad, plus egg salad, plus fruit salad, plus corn, plus mashed potatoes... and then an entire table of desserts. One side of me says "you can't have anything." The other side says "eat everything." And I don't know what to do. So I stick to the same boring foods.... a veggie burger and then fruit salad and LOTS of veggies to fill myself up.

It makes me sad that I can't fully enjoy food yet. Everyone was enjoying fun fruity sodas but I didn't have a soda because there were no diet ones and I didn't want to have extra calories in soda form. Everyone was eating dessert... a delicious looking apple cobbler, pudding cool whip cake, brownies, and I made oatmeal raisin cookies which everyone seemed to love! (They disappeared). But did I have anything for dessert? Even my own cookies?? No :( I couldn't do it. I was afraid that I'd take a bite and wouldn't be able to stop. That no body would be watching to make sure I didn't shove my chipmunk cheeks full and then have issues afterward. I didn't have dessert. Some day I will have dessert. I will have my dessert and enjoy it and not just be jealous of all the other people around me who feel good about treating themselves to sweets. I'm working on it.

Tonight I am going to go for a walk with a peer, which should be nice. I love walking. It makes me happy, and I will admit it makes me feel ok about eating. As long as my energy level is high I'm ok with the food I'm eating. I have been so good! Today after the BBQ I knew I hadn't eaten enough (and I'd forgotten about my snack) so I ate my snack. I have made big steps. Big progress. I'm nowhere near 100% yet, but I am getting there. I will be free some day.

My night snack

Today I made brownies! For my snack tonight I have a brownie, banana, soy tea latte, and carrots: 

What are you having for snack?

Challenge conquered!!!

I did it!!! I ate at Mcdonald's. I didn't eat too much. I didn't eat too little. It's not the healthiest food someone can eat, but every once in a while it's ok! I feel proud of myself for getting through a whole lunch without restricting and without binging like I did in the past.

I ordered 6 chicken nuggets, a small french fry, a coffee, and my dietician insisted it wasn't enough so I got a little yogurt parfait. Ordering I was really nervous, and kind of embarrassed. I didn't want people taking my order, I was afraid of what they'd think. But I ordered and got my food and sat down to eat. I was feeling really really anxious at first, but as I started eating I felt ok. When I finished I had a really strong urge to get up and purge, but that feeling passed really quickly and then I felt ok. My dietician was really supportive. She told me I look no different from before I ate the lunch, and that what I had eaten was just the right amount. I conquered a major challenge and I feel proud of myself.

I got weighed, and apparently I have maintained my weight for the past few weeks, which is good, but I still need to gain a little. UGH! I am just starting to feel comfortable at this weight and I have to gain more??? It feels uncalled for, kind of unfair. But my treatment team wants to make sure that I am at a safe enough weight that if I were to have a mini relapse or get a stomach flu that I would not lose weight and then suddenly be underweight and sick again. I need to have a little extra on me I suppose as a safety net, a "cushion" I guess. I don't like it but I do understand why it has to happen.

If everything goes as planned I will be moving into independent housing really really soon! Like maybe next week! I just have to get through one thing, and not put myself in danger, and I will be free! No more babysitting for me! Some freedom to eat my own breakfast, walk places, and just feel more like an adult. I am so excited. I can't wait!! AHH!!

I feel very accomplished. And you know what? Tonight we are going out to dinner, so that means I will eat out twice in one day! Major challenge! We are going to eat Japanese food, and I always get the same thing so I'm thinking of ordering something new. I always get a teriyaki chicken bowl, but I really want a veggie or avocado roll. So I talked to my dietician and maybe I will get a veggie roll and some edamame and maybe chicken skewers. I can do this.

Fighting hard!! NEVER give up!!!!!

A treat :)

Tonight I am having frozen yogurt as my night snack, and I'm excited because it's going to taste delicious.

Vanilla, strawberry, and blueberry yogurt with banana and almonds :) mmmmmm. It's ok for food to taste good! And it's ok to enjoy what you eat. 

Food inspiration

BEST NO BAKE BARS - CHOCOLATE - PEANUT BUTTER - COCONUT - OATMEAL

PRINT

PREP TIME

15 mins

COOK TIME

40 mins

TOTAL TIME

55 mins

Serves: 8-10

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup of peanut butter
• ½ cup of honey
• ½ cup of coconut oil
• 2 cups of dry oats (not instant)
• 1 cup of shredded coconut
• 1½ cups of chocolate chips
• 1 tsp of vanilla extract

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Melt the PB and then add the honey and coconut oil over medium low heat.
2. Once it is combined completely, remove the mixture from the heat and add oats, shredded coconut, chocolate chips and vanilla.
3. Stir until chocolate has entirely melted
4. Pour into a bowl and place into the refrigerator to cool
5. Enjoy!

Print

Stuffed Grilled Bananas

Ingredients

• Bananas (1 per person)
• Foil
• Assorted Toppings: chocolate chips, peanut butter chips, granola, coconut, marshmallows, chopped pecans, peanut butter chips, graham cracker pieces, strawberries, crushed pineapple

Instructions

1. Heat grill to medium heat.
2. Hold a banana with the curve upwards. With a knife, carefully cut a slit in one side peel, from the stem to the opposite end, similar to how you cut up a baked potato. Take care to make sure you don't cut through to the other side of the peel. With fingers, gently open up the banana a bit. Add toppings as desired inside of the banana. Wrap banana up in foil (either heavy duty foil or a double layer of thinner foil).
3. Place on grill for about 8-10 minutes, or until toppings are melted as desired and banana has softened. Remove from grill, open up foil and serve.

Brownie Batter Overnight Protein Oatmeal

Ingredients

1 cup	Unsweetened almond milk (or low fat milk of choice)
1/2 cup	Plain low fat Greek yogurt (or mashed banana, or pumpkin)
2 tbs	Unsweetened cocoa powder (or more, to taste)
1/8 tsp	Salt
2 tbs	Baking stevia or 1/4 cup sweetener that measures like sugar 1
1 cup	Old fashioned oats
1/4 cup	Protein powder (or additional oats)

Vanilla Chia Pudding

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup almond milk, unsweetened (vanilla)
• 2 - 3 tsp maple syrup or honey
• 1 tsp pure vanilla extract
• 3 - 4 tbsp chia seeds*
• Nuts, berries, fruit, coconut flakes for topping (optional)

Directions

1. Add all ingredients to a Mason jar or any container with a tight lid (I prefer glass), give a good shake or stir and refrigerate for at least 6 hours or overnight. When ready to eat, stir and top with favourite toppings: nuts, berries, fruit, coconut flakes etc. Adjust the thickness of a pudding with extra milk if desired. Also the amount of sweetener is up to a personal taste.
Storage Instructions: Refrigerate for up to 5 days.

Notes

* For a thick consistency pudding use 4 tbsp chia seeds, for soup like consistency (pictured) use only 3 tbsp (my favourite).

Can barely wait for tomorrow!!

I can barely wait for tomorrow! I see my therapist in the morning and we are going to talk about my moving; when it's happening, where I will live. I AM SO EXCITED!!! Independence is just around the corner!

Tonight, after a hard family therapy session, I have decided to reward myself with a big frozen yogurt. I got vanilla bean, blueberry, and cake batter (I think... I can't fully remember hah). I had trouble with the frozen yogurt last time I ate it, so this time I plan to be more successful. All food is healthy and fits into a balanced diet. Everything in moderation is JUST FINE!

Breakfast at Swami's

Belgian waffle, eggs, veggie bacon, and coffee!!! I'm stuffed but proud :)

What did you have for breakfast?