It's the end of the day and I am UNCOMFORTABLE. I always feel uncomfortable by the end of the day but today it feels worse for some reason. I am really puffy and swollen and it does not feel good at all. Dinner was tasty… but the eating disorder got the best of me and I served myself a huge portion of broccoli and a tiny bit of pasta and I didn't even eat the pasta I served myself :( So basically for dinner I ate broccoli and salad and now guess what… I'M HUNGRY. Really hungry. Dreaming about night snack, can't WAIT to have night snack. Egg white oatmeal with banana and pumpkin spiced pumpkin seeds :) Mmmmmm. I'm excited, counting down the minutes until I am done with meds so I can eat and go to sleep! I always feel better in the morning… I KNOW I will feel better in the morning. Just have to get through these uncomfortable feelings. I am definitely a morning person.
Now I am hanging with a friend doing homework and drinking tea. I have my special hibiscus, chamomile, strawberry leaf tea to help my tummy. It tastes pretty good too. I like adding a little soy milk… makes it creamier.
I can hardly believe I've finished a whole semester of school! I have a track record of dropping out after a few weeks because I'm really sick or suicidal. Not this time! I had a short stint in the hospital, but I bounced back right away and finished the semester up strong! I knew I could do it… I can't believe I did it. So excited to actually have some credits under my belt. And I think I'll be ready for my final… I will be studying all week!
Have a lovely evening, and remember the end of the night blues will pass. Trying to tell myself I WILL feel better in the morning.
Good night <3
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Monday, December 8, 2014
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Get out of the diet mentality
This morning I got a chai tea latte at starbucks… and I got the REAL thing with soy milk not fat free milk and sugar free. I have gotten into the habit of ordering "skinny" drinks at Starbucks, which means fat free milk and sugar free syrup. First thing, I am lactose intolerant so the real milk does NOT agree with my stomach. Second, it just doesn't taste as good! The sugar free syrup is not as tasty as the real syrup. So today I got my soy chai tea latte, a grande, and drank it and it was DELICIOUS! I am so happy I got the soy milk a: because my stomach doesn't hurt and b: because it makes the drink sweeter with the vanilla flavoring. I thoroughly enjoyed my beverage.
I am trying really hard to get out of the diet mentality. I will confess, I haven't been choosing the full-test products. The almond milk I have is very low in energy, and I bought light string cheese. The almond milk has basically no nutritional value, and my eating disorder is thrilled about the low calories. However, I KNOW it would be ok to get real almond milk or coconut milk or soy milk. Something holds me back… I need to get out of this habit for sure. I don't NEED diet foods. Food is food. And the real food tastes SO much better than the diet stuff.
So this week I am making a goal: get real food. Real almond milk/soy milk, real string cheese… I have also been skipping things on my meal plan, mostly dairy and fats. I need to add these back into my meals. It's important!
Basically, you deserve to get out of the diet mentality. Eat real food, it's ok! REALLY! It's ok!! Your body will thank you.
I am trying really hard to get out of the diet mentality. I will confess, I haven't been choosing the full-test products. The almond milk I have is very low in energy, and I bought light string cheese. The almond milk has basically no nutritional value, and my eating disorder is thrilled about the low calories. However, I KNOW it would be ok to get real almond milk or coconut milk or soy milk. Something holds me back… I need to get out of this habit for sure. I don't NEED diet foods. Food is food. And the real food tastes SO much better than the diet stuff.
So this week I am making a goal: get real food. Real almond milk/soy milk, real string cheese… I have also been skipping things on my meal plan, mostly dairy and fats. I need to add these back into my meals. It's important!
Basically, you deserve to get out of the diet mentality. Eat real food, it's ok! REALLY! It's ok!! Your body will thank you.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Reflection
I've been assigned a "reflection"... formerly known as a "dealing process." It's a process that people at Hanbelceya (my treatment center) do when they have done something wrong... it can be anything from slamming a door to using drugs to lying about something... So you're wondering why I have to do a "reflection?" I lied - or rather omitted the truth - to my therapists. About 4 months ago I was assigned a series of structures, or rules, that I was supposed to do around eating. Doing a though record form, writing a "looking forward to" list and staying out of my bedroom/bathroom for 40 minutes. I did all those things for a couple months. And then I stopped. Which apparently is a big problem.
The therapist who confronted me in our community meeting made it sound like I had murdered someone. That I'd done something horribly wrong, and that I was in danger. I'm not in danger. I am eating better than ever before, not purging, not counting calories... I'm doing everything I'm supposed to to take care of myself. Supposedly the problem is not that I stopped doing my structures, the problem is that I lied to my therapists. So I've been assigned a reflection about the lying part. I have to present my dealing process in a group next week.
It feels really stupid, but I'll do the assignment. I don't want any bad feelings between me and my therapists... I will do what I need to do in order to get their trust back. It just all feels really annoying.
Moving forward.
The therapist who confronted me in our community meeting made it sound like I had murdered someone. That I'd done something horribly wrong, and that I was in danger. I'm not in danger. I am eating better than ever before, not purging, not counting calories... I'm doing everything I'm supposed to to take care of myself. Supposedly the problem is not that I stopped doing my structures, the problem is that I lied to my therapists. So I've been assigned a reflection about the lying part. I have to present my dealing process in a group next week.
It feels really stupid, but I'll do the assignment. I don't want any bad feelings between me and my therapists... I will do what I need to do in order to get their trust back. It just all feels really annoying.
Moving forward.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Moments of doubt
All day I've been really excited... so many good things are happening! Started school, moving to independent living, it's all good. But I'll admit I've had a few hours of doubt. Sudden questioning of myself... can I really be a student? Can I really maintain my recovery while in school? Can I keep my weight up? Can I eat everything and be independent and be successful?? So many questions and no answers.
I feel unsure of myself. I feel doubtful that I can really do this. But at least I'm no overly confident right? That wouldn't be good. I think it's good to be cautious, careful.... but I don't want to be down on myself. I feel myself sinking a little bit, and I can't allow that to happen. Last time I was about to start school I almost died, and part of me is scared of that happening again. Scared that I'll wake up one morning and freak out and undo all the work I've done... or even worse, not wake up at all. This idea terrifies me. I was doing so well... eating, driving, volunteering... and then suddenly I woke up and I was on a ventilator. Not breathing. Not able to move. That can't happen again. Can't can't won't won't won't. But I guess I'm afraid.
This time is different. I have a treatment team who cares about me and is invested in my well being. They work really hard to make sure I'm safe and healthy and that I'm being honest. 8 months ago I didn't have a dietician or a therapist who knew what was going on. I have support. I also have my parents in my life. They have made enormous changes in the past few months and I feel that they care about me. Things are different now. I am not alone.
I can make it work this time. I can be successful as a student and as a healthy adult. I CAN stay healthy. I think, for the first time, I am going to make it.
Never ever give up.
Plugging along.
I feel unsure of myself. I feel doubtful that I can really do this. But at least I'm no overly confident right? That wouldn't be good. I think it's good to be cautious, careful.... but I don't want to be down on myself. I feel myself sinking a little bit, and I can't allow that to happen. Last time I was about to start school I almost died, and part of me is scared of that happening again. Scared that I'll wake up one morning and freak out and undo all the work I've done... or even worse, not wake up at all. This idea terrifies me. I was doing so well... eating, driving, volunteering... and then suddenly I woke up and I was on a ventilator. Not breathing. Not able to move. That can't happen again. Can't can't won't won't won't. But I guess I'm afraid.
This time is different. I have a treatment team who cares about me and is invested in my well being. They work really hard to make sure I'm safe and healthy and that I'm being honest. 8 months ago I didn't have a dietician or a therapist who knew what was going on. I have support. I also have my parents in my life. They have made enormous changes in the past few months and I feel that they care about me. Things are different now. I am not alone.
I can make it work this time. I can be successful as a student and as a healthy adult. I CAN stay healthy. I think, for the first time, I am going to make it.
Never ever give up.
Plugging along.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
The mirror LIES
I am having issues today with the mirror - I feel that it is playing games with me! Evil mind games and messing with my head!!!
I look in the mirror one minute and I feel like I look healthy, not too large, but healthy. Then ten minutes later I look in the mirror again, and BAM I've gained 20 pounds. It's ridiculous and obviously my mind is messing with me. Every mirror, every reflection in a window or door or even my shadow is just so frustrating! It can't be accurate when every time I look I see something different.
Basically I've come to this conclusion: The mirror LIES. It lies. It makes you believe things about yourself that are just not true. You may look in the mirror and think you're fat, that you're ugly, that you need to lose 5 lbs, that you have acne, that you have freckles, that your hair is a mess.... and you know what? Humans are imperfect. You are going to have flaws and blemishes and the mirror shows those things and shoves them in your face. But the mirror is wrong. No matter what, you are beautiful. I've said it so many times before... black, white, fat, thin, tall, short, freckles, pimples, curly hair, straight hair, blonde hair, dark hair, light skin, dark skin... you are BEAUTIFUL. Don't believe the mirror's lies. And if the mirror is messing with you, just ignore it all together! You don't have to let the mirror have power over you.
I am going to avoid the mirror for the rest of the day I think. It just isn't worth the agony and annoyance and frustration. We will see how that works out.
I look in the mirror one minute and I feel like I look healthy, not too large, but healthy. Then ten minutes later I look in the mirror again, and BAM I've gained 20 pounds. It's ridiculous and obviously my mind is messing with me. Every mirror, every reflection in a window or door or even my shadow is just so frustrating! It can't be accurate when every time I look I see something different.
Basically I've come to this conclusion: The mirror LIES. It lies. It makes you believe things about yourself that are just not true. You may look in the mirror and think you're fat, that you're ugly, that you need to lose 5 lbs, that you have acne, that you have freckles, that your hair is a mess.... and you know what? Humans are imperfect. You are going to have flaws and blemishes and the mirror shows those things and shoves them in your face. But the mirror is wrong. No matter what, you are beautiful. I've said it so many times before... black, white, fat, thin, tall, short, freckles, pimples, curly hair, straight hair, blonde hair, dark hair, light skin, dark skin... you are BEAUTIFUL. Don't believe the mirror's lies. And if the mirror is messing with you, just ignore it all together! You don't have to let the mirror have power over you.
I am going to avoid the mirror for the rest of the day I think. It just isn't worth the agony and annoyance and frustration. We will see how that works out.
Make yourself feel good
Today is just one of those days where I am NOT happy with my body. I feel that my stomach is sticking out, I'm kind of bloated, and my legs feel kind of puffy.... but you know what? I think this is normal. Everybody has days where they aren't happy with how they look and that is OK.
So what am I doing about this? I could mope around hide.... I could wear baggy sweats and hide my body. But I am using a therapy skill and doing the OPPOSITE of that. I am wearing workout shorts and my favorite workout top, which show my body, and I'm ok with it. I've taken some pictures of myself to try and get some perspective about how I actually look as the mirror can be deceiving... and I've put on some make up to boost my confidence. I am doing the opposite of what I would instinctually do, and it feels uncomfortable... but I'm doing ok. And I'm eating. I have eaten everything my body needs today, so far at least. I am doing everything right. Trying SO incredibly hard to stay on this good path, no matter how hard things get. Because maybe when I look in the mirror again later I will feel ok with how I look. Most likely that will be the case, these feelings of negativity will pass.
I've walked quite a bit today, which feels really good as well. I walked by the lake this morning, and then walked a short while again by the lake with my rabbi (which went really well) and then walked to the store, and then walked to Chipotle to get lunch and back. And I am going to go back to Starbucks for a drink with my treat receipt from earlier :) Cheap coffee, I can't resist!
It's gloomy and kind of rainy today, and there's been some random thunder... but rain is good, we need rain!
Just reminding myself that these uncomfortable feelings are normal and will pass, and that I don't have to do anything destructive to make them go away. I can sit with it and live my life.
Pushing through.
So what am I doing about this? I could mope around hide.... I could wear baggy sweats and hide my body. But I am using a therapy skill and doing the OPPOSITE of that. I am wearing workout shorts and my favorite workout top, which show my body, and I'm ok with it. I've taken some pictures of myself to try and get some perspective about how I actually look as the mirror can be deceiving... and I've put on some make up to boost my confidence. I am doing the opposite of what I would instinctually do, and it feels uncomfortable... but I'm doing ok. And I'm eating. I have eaten everything my body needs today, so far at least. I am doing everything right. Trying SO incredibly hard to stay on this good path, no matter how hard things get. Because maybe when I look in the mirror again later I will feel ok with how I look. Most likely that will be the case, these feelings of negativity will pass.
I've walked quite a bit today, which feels really good as well. I walked by the lake this morning, and then walked a short while again by the lake with my rabbi (which went really well) and then walked to the store, and then walked to Chipotle to get lunch and back. And I am going to go back to Starbucks for a drink with my treat receipt from earlier :) Cheap coffee, I can't resist!
It's gloomy and kind of rainy today, and there's been some random thunder... but rain is good, we need rain!
Just reminding myself that these uncomfortable feelings are normal and will pass, and that I don't have to do anything destructive to make them go away. I can sit with it and live my life.
Pushing through.
Friday, July 25, 2014
The end of the day
When I wake up in the morning I feel refreshed, light, happy, comfortable with my body... but by the end of the day I feel pretty miserable. My body is really slow to digest my food so it kind of feels like all the food I've eaten throughout the day is just piled up in my stomach and it's really uncomfortable. So I try to comfort myself as much as possible.
1. I put on comfy clothes. Loose pajama pants or shorts and a tank top so that I don't feel my clothes gripping at my body.
2. Avoid the mirror. It just isn't worth it. By the end of the day, YES, your stomach is going to be bloated and bigger than it is when you wake up in the morning. I try to remind myself of this fact. That in the morning the bloating will be gone and I will be ok. No need to over react
3. Eat my snack no matter what. By the end of the day, I am STUFFED. But I make my night snack as enjoyable as possible and get it down. I usually pick something yummy and sweet like nutella and banana or almond butter and hot chocolate or a tea latte. I lure myself into enjoying my night snack, even though a lot of the time I feel pretty stuffed and miserable!
4. Distract. At night I color, watch TV shows, go on Pinterest, write, read, play games.... anything I can do to distract myself from thinking about my body. Because there are MANY more important things than the size of my belly, and lots of fun things to do when I am in a healthy mindset.
5. Drink tea. I usually have a big cup of tea at night to soothe my stomach. I have a ginger tea that is very good for digestion and stomach aches, so I drink that. I also have mint, decaf english breakfast, and apple cinnamon (though I might be out of that one). It helps to calm me down and helps me to stay hydrated. I love my tea.
6. Cuddle up with lots of blankets and stuffed animals and build a fort. I am an adult, but my other parts love toys and stuffed animals, so I snuggle up with my toys to soothe my younger parts. It's comforting to all of us. And I don't care how old I am, I think I'll always love stuffed animals!
I just tell myself over and over and OVER I will go to sleep and wake up refreshed and ready to start the day. It keeps me from going absolutely insane!
How do you comfort yourself at the end of the day?
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Kind of a hard day
I don't know how to deal with feeling hungry... and as a result it's been a hard day. Lots of behaviors, which I hadn't had much of in a while. I'm disappointed for sure. Wanted to make today stronger, more solid.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I went to a yogurt shop and bought myself a frozen yogurt for later tonight's snack. Coconut and banana yogurt, and I will put fresh banana and almonds on it. YUM
And then I will keep it down because my body knows what to do with the food... My body knows what to do, my body knows what to do, my body knows what to do. Arg. I wish this wasn't so hard. Having behaviors feels so natural, so automatic. I need to FIGHT to do the healthy thing.
It IS possible to be healthy. I can do this.
You can do this.
Keep fighting.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I went to a yogurt shop and bought myself a frozen yogurt for later tonight's snack. Coconut and banana yogurt, and I will put fresh banana and almonds on it. YUM
And then I will keep it down because my body knows what to do with the food... My body knows what to do, my body knows what to do, my body knows what to do. Arg. I wish this wasn't so hard. Having behaviors feels so natural, so automatic. I need to FIGHT to do the healthy thing.
It IS possible to be healthy. I can do this.
You can do this.
Keep fighting.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
How to beat urges and anxiety
Just finished my 3pm snack... by this time of the day I start to get pretty uncomfortable. It feels like everything I've eaten is just piling up in my stomach, and there's nothing I can do to feel better. The urge to have behaviors skyrockets. I guess the worst time is after dinner... but right now I'm feeling really anxious.
All I want to do is go to the store, buy a gallon of ice cream, and drown my sorrows.
Makes no sense right? Feeling full to the brim, yet dying to binge. I know it's emotional, not physical hunger. I am physically full. Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. So the question is what can one do to soothe him/herself when feeling really high anxiety and panic? I'm going to list all the ones I can think of. If you have ideas on how to reduce anxiety in a healthy way, please share!!
1. color
2. draw
3. write
4. read - get lost in a book
5. listen to music
6. watch a movie or tv show
7. bake (as long as it's not triggering)
8. go for a gentle walk
9. stretch
10. do yoga
11. go on pinterest
12. chat with a friend
13. surf the internet
14. play a musical instrument (I play guitar, flute, and piano)
15. sing karaoke
16. Take a hot shower or bath (if you feel safe)
17. start a blog :)
18. Watch silly youtube videos
19. go out in nature - feed ducks, go to a lake, go for a hike, etc.
20. do an art project - make bracelets, do origami, paint pottery... the ideas are endless!
So basically there are healthy things to do instead of restrict/binge/purge/overexercise/cutting. There are SO MANY healthy ways to distract and cope with anxiety. To all my nonexistent readers; Thank you for giving me this space to share my thoughts and work through my feelings. I will work through these feelings.
Makes no sense right? Feeling full to the brim, yet dying to binge. I know it's emotional, not physical hunger. I am physically full. Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. So the question is what can one do to soothe him/herself when feeling really high anxiety and panic? I'm going to list all the ones I can think of. If you have ideas on how to reduce anxiety in a healthy way, please share!!
1. color
2. draw
3. write
4. read - get lost in a book
5. listen to music
6. watch a movie or tv show
7. bake (as long as it's not triggering)
8. go for a gentle walk
9. stretch
10. do yoga
11. go on pinterest
12. chat with a friend
13. surf the internet
14. play a musical instrument (I play guitar, flute, and piano)
15. sing karaoke
16. Take a hot shower or bath (if you feel safe)
17. start a blog :)
18. Watch silly youtube videos
19. go out in nature - feed ducks, go to a lake, go for a hike, etc.
20. do an art project - make bracelets, do origami, paint pottery... the ideas are endless!
So basically there are healthy things to do instead of restrict/binge/purge/overexercise/cutting. There are SO MANY healthy ways to distract and cope with anxiety. To all my nonexistent readers; Thank you for giving me this space to share my thoughts and work through my feelings. I will work through these feelings.
Time for a new wardrobe
It's time for new clothes - or at least clothes I haven't worn in a while. My clothes still fit me - actually they fit better than they did a couple weeks ago, but they just don't look the same. They don't fit right. They are fitted now, instead of baggy. My stomach is swollen and puffy, my legs and feet are retaining water and it's uncomfortable. I need new clothes to wear.
I could sit in a pile on the floor and cry that my clothes aren't right anymore. Or I can get excited! New clothes to wear.... who doesn't want a new set of clothes!
While you're in recovery don't measure yourself with clothes. Wear things that are comfortable and make you feel good. Don't worry about sizes, focus on getting healthy. Bloating is normal, uncomfortable, but normal. Don't let it throw you off.
None of my clothes fit - oh well. It is what it is.
I am getting healthy. And that's what matters. I will get used to my body's changes. I will
For now it's baggy sweaters and leggings! I can rock that!
How do YOU deal with body changes??
I could sit in a pile on the floor and cry that my clothes aren't right anymore. Or I can get excited! New clothes to wear.... who doesn't want a new set of clothes!
While you're in recovery don't measure yourself with clothes. Wear things that are comfortable and make you feel good. Don't worry about sizes, focus on getting healthy. Bloating is normal, uncomfortable, but normal. Don't let it throw you off.
None of my clothes fit - oh well. It is what it is.
I am getting healthy. And that's what matters. I will get used to my body's changes. I will
For now it's baggy sweaters and leggings! I can rock that!
How do YOU deal with body changes??
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Really struggling to stay on track
I want to purge. I want to purge. I WANT TO PURGE.
I can't purge.
I know from experience that the first couple weeks of refeeding are awful. So uncomfortable. Stomach aches, gas, acid reflux, swollen feet, legs, and stomach... no fun at all. Because the body is adjusting to eating again, and now that I am getting food in my body is holding onto every calorie. Clinging to each bite of food, storing it in my stomach... ugh. I hate this.
I want to give up. I want to purge - I could easily throw up everything I've eaten today. I would feel so much better. But it's a temporary feeling better - it's an instant gratification followed by a whole lot of guilt and shame. I feel ashamed that I've eaten, but it's better than being ashamed because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.
So how am I going to take care of myself? Has anyone ever been in this refeeding stage? Let's think of some options to feel better...
1. Drinking lots. Water, tea, juice, even coffee. Supposedly the more you drink the less you bloat. Doesn't make much sense. But I'm giving it a try.
2. Following my meal plan, no matter what. My body needs all the nutrients. It's been deprived for long enough. Maybe if I continue eating steadily, my body will realize, "ok I'm getting food now I can stop freaking out." Fingers crossed.
3. Staying busy. Blogging, writing, coloring, making bracelets (Yes I've joined the rainbow loom revolution) reading, playing my guitar and singing... distraction of any kind.
4. Asking for support. I'm lucky to have friends I can text and vent to. Just to chat about the weather, or get into some deeper stuff. I don't necessarily have to say I'm struggling... just saying hi and knowing someone cares about me is helpful.
5. Practice mindfulness, radical acceptance, all that DBT stuff we love. There is something to be said, though, about basic thinking and looking at things from a healthier perspective.
6. Saying affirmations. I am safe. I am loved. I can be healthy. I deserve to eat. I deserve to live. I don't need to punish myself today. I am strong. I can do this. I am a fighter. I am brave. I am enough.
7. Choosing condensed foods to avoid feeling too bloated. Higher calorie foods like nuts, oils, avocado, etc... they have lots of nutrients and calories and you don't need such a huge volume.
8. Saying to myself over and over "This will pass. This is temporary." Because this refeeding stage doesn't last forever. It's temporary. Uncomfortable and miserable, but temporary.
Keep fighting friends.
I can't purge.
I know from experience that the first couple weeks of refeeding are awful. So uncomfortable. Stomach aches, gas, acid reflux, swollen feet, legs, and stomach... no fun at all. Because the body is adjusting to eating again, and now that I am getting food in my body is holding onto every calorie. Clinging to each bite of food, storing it in my stomach... ugh. I hate this.
I want to give up. I want to purge - I could easily throw up everything I've eaten today. I would feel so much better. But it's a temporary feeling better - it's an instant gratification followed by a whole lot of guilt and shame. I feel ashamed that I've eaten, but it's better than being ashamed because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.
So how am I going to take care of myself? Has anyone ever been in this refeeding stage? Let's think of some options to feel better...
1. Drinking lots. Water, tea, juice, even coffee. Supposedly the more you drink the less you bloat. Doesn't make much sense. But I'm giving it a try.
2. Following my meal plan, no matter what. My body needs all the nutrients. It's been deprived for long enough. Maybe if I continue eating steadily, my body will realize, "ok I'm getting food now I can stop freaking out." Fingers crossed.
3. Staying busy. Blogging, writing, coloring, making bracelets (Yes I've joined the rainbow loom revolution) reading, playing my guitar and singing... distraction of any kind.
4. Asking for support. I'm lucky to have friends I can text and vent to. Just to chat about the weather, or get into some deeper stuff. I don't necessarily have to say I'm struggling... just saying hi and knowing someone cares about me is helpful.
5. Practice mindfulness, radical acceptance, all that DBT stuff we love. There is something to be said, though, about basic thinking and looking at things from a healthier perspective.
6. Saying affirmations. I am safe. I am loved. I can be healthy. I deserve to eat. I deserve to live. I don't need to punish myself today. I am strong. I can do this. I am a fighter. I am brave. I am enough.
7. Choosing condensed foods to avoid feeling too bloated. Higher calorie foods like nuts, oils, avocado, etc... they have lots of nutrients and calories and you don't need such a huge volume.
8. Saying to myself over and over "This will pass. This is temporary." Because this refeeding stage doesn't last forever. It's temporary. Uncomfortable and miserable, but temporary.
Keep fighting friends.
Uncomfortable in the body
Feeling really uncomfortable with my body... Clothes just don't look right. I feel bloated and huge. But I'm determined not to let it affect my day of eating. I'm on the right track now I can't step backwards!
How do you accept your body? I'm wearing comfy stretchy clothes and avoiding mirrors. Luckily there aren't any full length mirrors in the house right now. Every reflection makes me more self conscious...
Accept your body. Maybe some day I will get there
How do you accept your body? I'm wearing comfy stretchy clothes and avoiding mirrors. Luckily there aren't any full length mirrors in the house right now. Every reflection makes me more self conscious...
Accept your body. Maybe some day I will get there
Monday, June 16, 2014
Gaining weight
Gaining weight... not something anyone wants to do really. Everyone is trying to LOSE weight. Follow this diet or that diet, cut out "these 5 foods," do these work outs, lose 10 lbs, lose 20 lbs. It's crazy making.
Some of us need to gain weight. Like me. I'm trying to gain weight right now, and it's harder than it seems. You have to eat A LOT to gain weight. To be exact, to gain a pound, you have to eat 3500 calories more than your RMR, resting metabolic rate.
You may be thinking "Just eat! Everything you want!" For me it's not that simple - every bite of food is hard, and anything extra is even harder. Mentally, logically, I know how to gain weight. Emotionally, gaining weight is really hard.
But if you're trying to gain weight, here are some tips!
- Eat 5-6 times a day. I eat 6 times a day; three meals, three snacks. Eat throughout the day, eat healthy, hearty snacks between your meals. For me it's easier to do 6 smaller meals instead of three really big meals. I don't feel as uncomfortable.
- Choose full fat, full calorie products. No "light" or "nonfat" foods! Full fat cheese, yogurt, milk
- Choose high calorie, dense, nutritious foods! Avocado, nuts and nut butters, dried fruit, cheese
- Cook with healthy fats! Olive oil, coconut oil, canola oil
- Add condiments, toppings, and spreads. Butter, salad dressing, cheese, ketchup, mayo, nuts and dried fruit in oatmeal, syrup or jelly on pancakes and waffles, cream and sugar in coffee
- Have caloric drinks with your meals. Juice, milk, gatorade, smoothies, milkshakes, supplements like ensure plus or boost
- Have dessert! Try to choose foods that are high in nutrients, but also enjoy full fat ice cream, cakes, cookies, pastries, muffins, brownies, frozen yogurt with lots of toppings... have fun!
Listen to your body... if you feel hungry, eat! I am working on just this. Listening to my body. I get scared of hunger, but really it can only help me right now!
Keep fighting friends!!
Some of us need to gain weight. Like me. I'm trying to gain weight right now, and it's harder than it seems. You have to eat A LOT to gain weight. To be exact, to gain a pound, you have to eat 3500 calories more than your RMR, resting metabolic rate.
You may be thinking "Just eat! Everything you want!" For me it's not that simple - every bite of food is hard, and anything extra is even harder. Mentally, logically, I know how to gain weight. Emotionally, gaining weight is really hard.
But if you're trying to gain weight, here are some tips!
- Eat 5-6 times a day. I eat 6 times a day; three meals, three snacks. Eat throughout the day, eat healthy, hearty snacks between your meals. For me it's easier to do 6 smaller meals instead of three really big meals. I don't feel as uncomfortable.
- Choose full fat, full calorie products. No "light" or "nonfat" foods! Full fat cheese, yogurt, milk
- Choose high calorie, dense, nutritious foods! Avocado, nuts and nut butters, dried fruit, cheese
- Cook with healthy fats! Olive oil, coconut oil, canola oil
- Have caloric drinks with your meals. Juice, milk, gatorade, smoothies, milkshakes, supplements like ensure plus or boost
- Have dessert! Try to choose foods that are high in nutrients, but also enjoy full fat ice cream, cakes, cookies, pastries, muffins, brownies, frozen yogurt with lots of toppings... have fun!
Listen to your body... if you feel hungry, eat! I am working on just this. Listening to my body. I get scared of hunger, but really it can only help me right now!
Keep fighting friends!!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Today's doctor visit
Went to the doctor this morning. Luckily my doctor is a wonderful, kind lady who is really understanding and sensitive. I've had some pretty mean doctors, so I'm really grateful that I have her.
Basically we are not in medical danger but we are getting there. Weight is pretty low, although I can't see it, and we are dehydrated. Getting blood drawn they could barely find a vein. We can hardly stand up without getting dizzy. Just overall feeling exhausted and weak. Which I hate. I want to feel STRONG and empowered, not like I'm going to fall over. Can't walk anywhere right now - we are on complete exercise and movement restriction. And still I'm exhausted.
Hate feeling this way.
So what do we need to do? We need to eat.
End of story.
Eating has gone better today than previous days, although not perfect by any means. Planning to start fresh tomorrow, get on board, get healthy, move forward. It will be uncomfortable, it will be unpleasant, it will be hard but we can do this. Either we eat here, in less structure, or we eat in the hospital. One way or another we need to eat or we will die. Part of me really doesn't care if I die. But part of me wants to fight. And we are going to fight.
Going to have night snack.
Night!
Basically we are not in medical danger but we are getting there. Weight is pretty low, although I can't see it, and we are dehydrated. Getting blood drawn they could barely find a vein. We can hardly stand up without getting dizzy. Just overall feeling exhausted and weak. Which I hate. I want to feel STRONG and empowered, not like I'm going to fall over. Can't walk anywhere right now - we are on complete exercise and movement restriction. And still I'm exhausted.
Hate feeling this way.
So what do we need to do? We need to eat.
End of story.
Eating has gone better today than previous days, although not perfect by any means. Planning to start fresh tomorrow, get on board, get healthy, move forward. It will be uncomfortable, it will be unpleasant, it will be hard but we can do this. Either we eat here, in less structure, or we eat in the hospital. One way or another we need to eat or we will die. Part of me really doesn't care if I die. But part of me wants to fight. And we are going to fight.
Going to have night snack.
Night!
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