Done with school!!

I am officially done with school!!! Took my exam this morning and I'm finished until January 26th :) feels great to be done. Although I like school and I will miss the learning. I think my final went well. I was confident with most of the questions. Some of them were challenging but I think I did ok! 

Breakfast this morning was super yummy. English muffin with pumpkin spice cream cheese, greek yogurt with berries, and coffee with lots of soy milk. One of my favorite breakfasts. I love the sweet cream cheeses.... Pumpkin, strawberry, honey nut... All really tasty. They are especially good on cinnamon toast or cinnamon raisin bagels. Yummy.

So what am I going to do while school is out?? Well Monday's I am going to rest an little! Being able to sleep a bit will be nice. And I am going to pick up another shift at petco on Wednesdays. And lots of groups. We will have lots of Christmassy events going on to stay busy, and I get to celebrate my birthday!! Lots of good things happening :) exciting!!! 

Have a lovely Monday!

Success

I have tried out this whole intuitive eating thing and it's going really well!!! This morning I didnt have breakfast planned out so I looked in the cabinets and fridge and decided on egg white oatmeal with pumpkin seeds and raspberries. It was pretty tasty and I felt really full afterward. Being full is a little scary for me, but I am handling it well. Oh I also have coffee with lots of soy milk.

Today I am seeing my family! We are going to the San Diego Zoo, which I love. We will get lunch and walk around the zoo and then my mom will meet up with us and we will go get coffee or something. I'm really excited to spend time with my family. we've been on kind of a pause so seeing them outside of therapy will be really nice.

Today I will eat intuitively. I will eat what tastes good and looks good, and I won' count calories. I can do this. I can totally do this.

Have a lovely Saturday!!!

Nice day :)

It's been a really nice day. Started out strong with my dietician, played with kitties, and then off to a big family event. It was a talent show. I sang a few songs, participated in some skits… it was really nice and I didn't think that my parents would show up but my dad came! That was super nice. We had a really good time together. He was funny and happy and I was happy too. I am so grateful for the work I've done with my family. It's like I have a new set of parents. I wish we could have worked on things sooner, but I'm glad we have worked on them now. I feel very lucky. Not all families that are broken can be repaired they way mine has. I'm a lucky girl for sure.

Eating… I haven't even thought much about it today, I've been too distracted! I had my breakfast, a granola bar for snack, and I did eat at the event, although probably not quite enough. I haven't had snack yet… I am going to grab coffee with a friend. I think I'll get a chai tea latte. Mmmmm. And then I will come home and prepare dinner for myself. Tomorrow we are going to a steak house so I'm not sure what I'll have… baked potato sounds good.

Hope you are having a lovely day, and happy friday!

Sweetener challenge

I wrote a couple weeks ago about doing an experiment to try and reduce my tolerance for sweetness, especially artificial sweeteners. And guess what…. IT WORKED! I am proud to say that I have reduced my sweetener in my coffee to 1 packet of stevia, and my tea I have either 1/2 of a stevia or no sweetener at all. And my drinks actually taste ok! I am so surprised and thrilled that my experiment worked. Now everything will taste better. Everything will be sweeter… I don't have to be inundated with sweetness to enjoy my coffee! Success!!

Today I have family session. My sister will be coming. It's been really nice, I've been chatting with my sister through text. We chat and talk small talk and it's been going well. I miss her. I wish we could see each other more often. I will get to spend Saturday with my family which I'm excited about, so that will be nice.

Off to group! Hope you're having a nice Wednesday :)

Last night of school!

Tonight is my last night of classes officially. I have a final on Monday but other than that I am done! I can't believe I've made it through a whole semester! I am so grateful and happy to be healthy and strong enough to get through school. I calculated my grades today and I have As in both classes :) it's only community college but that's ok it still counts. I'm hard on myself. This semester has been a success and I should be glad about that.

I'm very hard on myself. If I'd gotten a B in my class Id probably be disappointed. I've always been that way... Setting sometimes impossible standards for myself. But I'm trying to be reasonable and give myself the credit I deserve.

I get to see my family tomorrow for family session and then spend time with them Saturday to do something fun. I am excited to spend time with my sister this weekend and the weekend after for my birthday. I can't believe I'll be 22! This year was really long and really short all at the same time. It's been quite the year. But I'm alive and kicking. 

I hope you all have a nice evening. Stay strong!!

Really good day!

Today was a really good and successful day. I hung out with a friend and it was awesome! I haven't had a good day like this in ages it seems. We first went to target and walked around. I bought ensure because I'm relying it for now and it's the least expensive at target. I also got strawberry and cream oatmeal and drink mixes. 

 

Then we went to Panera for lunch. I was anxious but the food I got was really good and felt ok! I had a chicken hummus salad with veggies and a bowl of black bean soup and an apple. I was super full but didn't really have any urges! That's a huge deal! And soup can be really triggering for me. But after lunch we walked around and distracted and I was ok :)

Then we did some clothes shopping. I actually bought a pair of black skinny jeans!! I feel comfortable in them and they are stretchy which is nice. And I got purple leggings. 

Then we went to Starbucks. I was all excited to try the newest drink, the chestnut praline latte, but I didn't like it. So I got a peppermint latte which was ok, not hot enough though. I was kind of disappointed. I guess I had high hopes and it just wasn't what I expected.

Then the best part of the day... We went to trader joes!! It's my all time favorite grocery store. They have lots of vegetarian items for a good price. I spent 40 bucks!! But I got tofu and pumpkin butter and trail mix and tofurkey and noodle bos and veggie corn dogs.... All delicious stuff I will certainly eat! I didn't get any desert items because I'm still kind of bingy but I feel confident with what I bought. So exciting!

Now it's time for dinner. Gonna end the day strong!

Day 1 of success

Today was a GOOD day. I made it through 100% behavior free!! How did I do it? I don't know. But I did. No restricting. No binging, no purging. A day of success! I'll admit it doesn't feel so good right now. My stomach is bloated and hurts. But I feel proud of myself.

After dinner was risky because I was still SO hungry. I made chicken and quinoa and it tasted really really good and I wanted to eat so much more. But I drank a few cups of decaf coffee with lots of sweetener and I was able to get through the binge urges by distracting and doing school work. I wanted to go out and get ice cream, but I thought about it and decided it just wasn't worth it. And I made it through :)

Tomorrow is another new day where I can be successful! And it's Halloween so extra fun :) I will be dressing up as a rag doll… I will try to post pictures.

Have a great evening!

Today

Part of me feels weird about being with my family… like I don't deserve them. Like I don't deserve to have a happy family. I was destined to be alone at 16 and here I am spending time wiht my family and we are HAPPY. And it's so weird… good weird I guess. But weird. My dad wants to hug me and tells me how happy he is that I'm home. I can actually talk to my mom about some "real" things without getting shut down or lectured. It's all very foreign and strange. But I think this is a good thing. Everyone deserves to have a family who loves them right? Humans need love to survive. They need to be attached and know they are loved to thrive, and that's what I'm doing. I'm finally thriving. And I think a big part of that has been my own progress, but it's also been the progress with my family. I am not alone anymore. I'm not fighting an uphill battle by myself. I have people on my team. People to tell me they love me and care about me and that they actually believe in me… again all so weird. But nice. Finally I have a reason to wake up in the morning… I have people who care.

Today was a nice day. Got to stay in my pajamas for a little while this morning because I didn't go to petco. I watched some shows, worked a little on a needlepoint project. Then my mom picked me up to go to temple. First I went to a "young person's" meeting for people in their 20's and 30s, and it was very moving. Nice sermon, good prayers. Had lunch. And then went to another service, a contemporary service with folk songs and lots of lovely readings. Very moving service. Really targeted all of the things that have gone on this year and all the things we can do better. We went to a later service as well and ended the day with a "break the fast" at a friend's house. Overall a good day.

I was a little upset, I'll admit, about the fact that my sister and my dad fasted. My dad had said he wasn't going to fast, but he did. I guess it's ok though. They are healthy enough to fast for a day. I am not. Maybe some day I will be able to fast again, when it doesn't fuel my eating disorder. For me fasting would be a sick behavior, and sick behavior is NOT appropriate on a day of atonement.

Today was my first day of no measuring food and no calorie counting… I think it went ok. I didn't measure breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I may be short a little but I'm eating intuitively and that feels REALLY good. I'm finally eating more normally. Finally.

I hope that you all had a lovely day and that you have a peaceful night.
I'm off to eat snack :)

Challenge conquered!!!

I did it!!! I ate at Mcdonald's. I didn't eat too much. I didn't eat too little. It's not the healthiest food someone can eat, but every once in a while it's ok! I feel proud of myself for getting through a whole lunch without restricting and without binging like I did in the past.

I ordered 6 chicken nuggets, a small french fry, a coffee, and my dietician insisted it wasn't enough so I got a little yogurt parfait. Ordering I was really nervous, and kind of embarrassed. I didn't want people taking my order, I was afraid of what they'd think. But I ordered and got my food and sat down to eat. I was feeling really really anxious at first, but as I started eating I felt ok. When I finished I had a really strong urge to get up and purge, but that feeling passed really quickly and then I felt ok. My dietician was really supportive. She told me I look no different from before I ate the lunch, and that what I had eaten was just the right amount. I conquered a major challenge and I feel proud of myself.

I got weighed, and apparently I have maintained my weight for the past few weeks, which is good, but I still need to gain a little. UGH! I am just starting to feel comfortable at this weight and I have to gain more??? It feels uncalled for, kind of unfair. But my treatment team wants to make sure that I am at a safe enough weight that if I were to have a mini relapse or get a stomach flu that I would not lose weight and then suddenly be underweight and sick again. I need to have a little extra on me I suppose as a safety net, a "cushion" I guess. I don't like it but I do understand why it has to happen.

If everything goes as planned I will be moving into independent housing really really soon! Like maybe next week! I just have to get through one thing, and not put myself in danger, and I will be free! No more babysitting for me! Some freedom to eat my own breakfast, walk places, and just feel more like an adult. I am so excited. I can't wait!! AHH!!

I feel very accomplished. And you know what? Tonight we are going out to dinner, so that means I will eat out twice in one day! Major challenge! We are going to eat Japanese food, and I always get the same thing so I'm thinking of ordering something new. I always get a teriyaki chicken bowl, but I really want a veggie or avocado roll. So I talked to my dietician and maybe I will get a veggie roll and some edamame and maybe chicken skewers. I can do this.

Fighting hard!! NEVER give up!!!!!

Heading in the right direction!!

I am SO excited!! I talked to my therapist today and she said I can move out of residential and into independent housing within the next couple weeks!! Eek!!! All my hard work had paid off!! The refeeding - eating, stomach aches, bloating, foot swelling, hiccups, acid reflux - all worth it! Now I can proudly say I am physically healthy and ready to move onto the next step in my treatment and life! I can't explain how glad I am to be moving toward more independence. There are many things I'm looking forward to.

1. Having new roommates. My current 

roommates are pretty ignorant of others because they are very much in their own heads. It's, as a result, hard to make friends with them. In independent living I will have roommates that hopefully care and become friends! There are a couple houses I could potentially move into, all with very nice young women I am friends with. I can't wait to have some more peer support.

2. Being able to make my own breakfast! Currently I wake up around 7am and breakfast at this house is not until 9:30 so by then I'm so hungry!! Doesn't 9:30 seem a bit late for breakfast? Also if I wake up and really want waffles and it is planned to have cereal, I'm stuck with waffles. I look forward to having some more flexibility with my breakfast.

3. Not having to ask staff for food. Currently all food is locked up in the staff office so when I need my snacks I always have to ask for it, and it's kind of embarrassing. I feel that I'm constantly asking for food. In regular housing we keep all the food in the fridge and pantry like normal... So I will be free to grab snacks as I need them.

4. Being able to cook without supervision! I know how to use a stove and oven and will be very happy when I'm trusted to use them myself without setting the house on fire haha.

5. Being able to go for walks when I want and eventually go for runs in the morning! I can't wait to have more independence and freedoms to go where I want! 

6. Being able to have my rats Drew and Annie. It will be so nice to have some furry companions. They aren't exactly cuddly but they are sweet and love attention. I just have to make sure it's ok with my new housemates!

7. No staff watching all the time. Right now staff are constantly watching me. In regular housing that won't be the case! I will have staff support throughout the day, but not constant supervision. I look forward to feeling like an adult again. 

8. Not having chemicals and sharp objects locked up. When I got to Hanbleceya I was just out of the hospital and for safety I needed to have these things locked up. But now I feel safe to have my razor to shave my legs, and I feel ok with having bleach to clean. I don't worry that one of my parts will harm the body. It's a nice feeling to trust myself again.

There are more things I'm looking forward to... I'm just SO excited for this new chapter of my life. So ready to have some more independence, ready to have some freedom and feel that I can be trusted again. Once I know the details of when and where I will be moving to I will post immediately! 

Moving forward!!