Dinner and 3rd night of Hanukkah

Tonight is the 3rd night of Hanukkah, and I am such a lucky girl :) I got some hair bands as a sweet gift from my parents and sister. I lit the candles with one of my friends who is Jewish, which is nice because I didn't want to light the candles all alone! It is nice sharing traditions with people. Today was an ok day. Therapy in the morning, which went pretty well, and then groups in the afternoon. One of the groups which is peer led was really intense today. I got pretty scared of some new clients and switched to another part.. but it was ok. Then I had treatment group which is a two hour group every Thursday. Boring. But ok. I'll say it again… I am TIRED of therapy. 

Then I came home and made dinner, which was simple but ended up really delicious! Pesto Caprese grilled cheese. I'll admit is was a challenging meal and I only had about half a sandwich, but I recommend the recipe! Really tasty! I loved the pesto and mozarella… kind of like pizza I guess. 

Here's the recipe if you're interested in trying!!

Looking forward to a delicious night snack :) Have a lovely evening!

Pesto Caprese Grilled Cheese

 

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Author: Audra

Ingredients

• bread
• butter, softened
• classic basil pesto
• grated mozzarella cheese
• sliced garden tomatoes

 

Instructions

1. Completely butter one side of each slice of bread.
2. Then spread pesto on the opposite side of each slice.
3. Next heat pan or griddle over medium heat.
4. Place one slice of bread on the griddle buttered side down.
5. Next layer with fresh grated mozzarella, garden sliced tomatoes, and top with a little more cheese.
6. Now add the remaining slice of bread, butter side up! Adjust heat as needed, and cook until golden brown, about 2-4 minutes.
7. Then flip and cook until golden brown on the other side, about 2-4 minutes.
8. Enjoy!

Hard morning

I've had a hard morning/afternoon. I went into my therapists office only for her to tell me I can't go on my trip in two weeks: I am so disappointed. But I rescheduled for January. I'm still going! Just have to wait a little longer :( bummed. It's ok and this is not a punishment. Just my team looking out for me. I think at least.

Then I had a doctor appointment with s doctor I love very much. But I saw her with another client I know who is not in a very good place. This is the girl who was so triggering to me several weeks ago. She came out of my doctor's office all weak and dizzy and all i could think was that my doctor won't care about me anymore. I wanted to just get up and leave and not see my doctor. But I waited for her and cried and told her I was afraid she wouldn't care about me anymore: she assured me that isn't the case and that she cares about me very much. I believe her. I just get so jealous and compare myself sometimes. It's something I'm working on... Comparing mysf to others and feeling I won't be cared about anymore. I have room in my heart for many people and so do my therapists/doctors. Another client with similar issues won't make me less important. I'm so hard on myself :(

Back home now and I just had lunch. I'm ok. Just sad. And the friend who's not doing well...I just need to give her space: she needs to make the decision to be healthy herself. It's not up to me to make sure she eats. That's her job. And if she's not ready to be healthy I need to set boundaries to keep myself safe. Makes me sad though.

Plugging along. Sadness will no defeat me.

Therapy

Today in therapy I completely, totally, utterly fell apart. I was a sobbing, miserable mess. I felt bad for my therapist haha. she was very sweet and came to sit next to me to try and comfort me, and that was nice but I felt so awful. I cried and sobbed and made a fool out of myself.

Basically this is what's going on. There's a new client. This is not a problem. I'm sure she is a very nice lady. But last night the staff member I was with told me ALL about this new client. She's possibly schizophrenic and very quiet. She's extremely thin, and I learned she is vegan and gluten free… so what does she eat??? Basically nothing. they are looking to see if she has an eating disorder. She claims to have DID. She is afraid of men… basically sounds just like me.

Well I lost it. I had this automatic gut feeling that because this new client is here I am not going to matter anymore. That my problems, which are diminishing, make me somehow "unwanted" and "Unloved." One of my therapists will be working with this new lady. I felt for some reason that if this new client has an eating disorder and parts, my problems (which are the same) will seem insignificant and I will fall by the wayside. This is silly to think. I know my therapist will continue to care about me.. but I feel so lost and hopeless. A HUGE part of me is saying that I need to stop eating again. That I want the negative attention. That I WANT to be sick so people will notice me and take care of me. But there's a part of me that makes sense. I am healthy, I am strong, I am independent… I am happy a lot of the time, and I AM cared about. I don't need to be sick to be cared about. I don't. I just don't.

You don't need to be sick to be loved and cared about. You can be healthy and get POSITIVE attention from people who care about you. You can be strong. You can keep fighting, even when you've been completely triggered. We are stronger than that.
Keep fighting. Keep kicking. And EMBRACE your healthy self!

I'm sick of therapy!!!

I am so sick of therapy right now. After an entire day of therapy I'm totally saturated!! My brain just can't handle anymore talking about feelings. I feel so done right now. I don't want to analyze my thoughts, I don't want to give other people feedback, I don't want feedback. I feel fed up.

I want to go for a walk tonight but I've already walked quite a bit.. Maybe I'll go for a shorter walk. Tomorrow is my meeting with my dietician and I am going to be weighed and then go out to a buffet. This buffet I have been to before but usually all I've eaten is the salad. This time I will have to try the breads and pasta and even dessert! That will be a challenge.

I want a day off. I want a day for just me. No therapy, no obligations, just a relaxing day to do nothing. Sunday is the closest I get to a day off and that's nice. Looking forward to Sunday.

My brain is officially exhausted.

No calorie counting

Yesterday was my first day in a while of no calorie counting and it felt great! I wasn't obsessively calculating the numbers I'd eaten on my phone. I was able to enjoy some chocolate without freaking out. And I went to bed feeling like i had eaten the right amount. It felt good. I didn't panic over 50 extra calories. I ate what was on my meal plan and it felt like enough. That feels like an accomplishment. Today will be another day of no counting. It's a waste of time and there are better things to count in this world! 

This morning I have therapy and then later I have groups. I'm getting pretty tired of therapy to be honest. It feels like I do therapy all day every day... And i would really like a day off. I feel like every day I'm up early and going to school or therapy or petco. It's tiring! I am very happy though because I got 100% on my quiz for school last night. Finally I'm doing better with school!! Getting back into the swing of things feels good. And my classes are really interesting! It's just a lot of work. 

Breakfast was Greek yogurt, granola; blackberries, peanuts, and a coffee with lots of soy milk. Tasted delicious! What did you have for breakfast?

Have a great day!!

Soaking up the sun

It is HOT outside. 104 degrees hot. Walking to the Hanbleceya center I felt like I was going to melt. And then I had to walk to the grocery store for some things (yogurt, string cheese, apples) and felt like  might fall over! I'm sweating like crazy. I like the heat, but I'll admit I'm looking forward to some cooler weather when I can wear tights and sweaters and ugg boots. I love boots, and they don't really feel so good in the summer! September is often our hottest month here in San Diego, but it should cool down in October. I just hope we don't have any fires. It's been so hot and so dry.

This morning I had work development group and then individual therapy. Individual therapy was good today. Talked about a lot... talked about the video I had to watch in class yesterday and why it grosses me out. We talked about family and how much progress I've made. And I actually didn't cry this time. Haha.

I am going to chat with a friend, and then have lunch, and then I have a new group... improve group. Ugh. Not feeling it. But I will go and put in effort. Walk through the heat to a group I really don't want to go to.

If it's hot where you are, stay cool! And if it's cold, stay warm. I guess just stay comfortable :)

Therapy and progress

It was a hectic morning. Just one of those days. Last night we blew a circuit so our air conditioner, fans, and refrigerator all went off. All my housemates and I were worried about the food, so all of us were stressed out. Our house manager came this morning and figured everything out so we are ok now. I had work development group, talked about school and my volunteer job, and then therapy. I was dreading therapy this morning. I was afraid that I'd be in trouble with my therapist... that she'd be disappointed and yell at me. But she didn't yell. In fact it was a really good session. We talked about my past, how I had to be sneaky in order to survive when I was a child, and why I am still sneaky now. She said she is glad that I am being honest, and the reflection process that I did was good. I am so relieved! I expected to be admonished and punished and that did not happen at all.

Recovery is hard. Every day I have to make the decision to eat and keep my food down. I have to choose every day, every hour, every minute to do the right thing. It gets tiring. But I'm doing it. I haven't purged in over two weeks... maybe even three weeks, and I'll say I'm quite proud. I was purging several times a day, pretty much everything I ate. And now I hardly have the urge to purge anymore. I eat and don't have to think twice about keeping it down, which is enormous progress. I feel healthy, I feel strong, I have energy... I am starting to even ENJOY some of my food, which is a huge deal! I never would have admitted to anyone a few months ago that I actually enjoyed food, and here I am.

If you are reading, I beg you not to give up on yourself. Keep fighting. Keep eating.
You are amazing.

Missed the bus

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed because I have two quizzes due this week.. one due Saturday the other one is due next Wednesday. I know I have plenty of time, and I know the quizzes are open book so it won't be too hard to do well, I just feel like it's a lot. I haven't had to do schoolwork in a very long time so getting used to homework is just an adjustment for me. I've always been a good student... I'm sure I'll pass and do ok. I just always strive for excellence. I hope I do well in these classes.

I'm such a goof ball... I got on the wrong bus today after class. I didn't realize that I had gotten on the express bus instead of the regular bus, so I ended up at the trolley station for thirty minutes waiting for my actual bus to come. I was so afraid I'd have to walk a few miles home! Luckily another bus was on the way. It's lame that the busses only come an hour apart from each other... I have to get to class an hour before class starts and I can't leave school until an hour after my class ends. I wish the busses came more often. Oh well.

I see my parents today for family therapy.. I don't know that I'm looking forward to family therapy. Our usual therapist just had a baby and is on maternity leave, so my really tough therapist is running our family meetings. Last week's session was really hard and I was left crying and sad. My parents didn't make me cry, the therapist did. Hah. She's the tough one. I know she's pushing me and making me feel things that I need to feel but it does not feel good. It feels awful. Even my dad said he thinks this therapist is scary!

I am going to make lunch in a few minutes and continue with my day.

Until later :)

Therapy

I just got out of therapy, and I am flooded with emotion. I don't know what to think... this therapist is just so good at what she does and knows what gets to me. She does it because she cares, but it makes me hurt so much. She is very honest and makes me look at the darkest parts of myself. And it's really hard.

We talked today about why people abuse children and animals. They could have been abused themselves, some people are truly just malicious and evil, insecurities.... the list goes on. But there is no excuse for abusing someone, a child, an animal, an elderly person. No excuse. We talked about my abusers, and how I have been, in a way, abusive and neglectful toward my parts. By not listening to them and giving them what they need, and by expecting my parts to come out and take on difficult situations and emotions I don't want to deal with, I have been neglectful. I have put too much pressure on my parts. I need to apologize and make amends.

I was talking about some things I've found on facebook.... people neglecting and abusing animals, leaving children in hot cars, the list goes on. These stories really make me sad and horrified, and my therapist said that by neglecting my parts, I have in a way left them in a hot car to overheat. It's so hard to look at myself and realize that I've been so abusive toward my parts and toward myself. I have been mean and cruel to my parts. I have been neglectful. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I cried. A lot. And my therapist came to sit next to me and comfort me. But nothing can comfort me when I feel so much shame and anger at myself. How will I ever have a family?? how will I ever have kids if I can't take care of myself? My therapist says right now I am not ready, but someday I will be. I need to tell my parts how much they matter and also tell them that they don't have to take on the burden of negative emotion and situations, an tell them that I won't disappear on them anymore. When the overdose happened 6 months ago, I disappeared for over two weeks. I left poor Polly to deal with the psych ward :( I am a terrible "mom" to my parts. So hard to look at myself and see all my flaws.

Lots of thinking to do. I just feel sad. And shameful and guilty. But this work has to happen if I want to get healthy. And I WANT to be healthy.

Family and honesty

I'm learning how to be honest and how to speak my truth. It's hard. I'm the kind of person who takes into account everyone's feelings and emotions and facial expressions and body language and takes it to heart. Well I'm changing. For the first time in my life I am speaking my truth, especially to my parents, and feeling ok with the raw honesty. My parents hurt me badly growing up and I've always been too afraid to tell them the extent of which they hurt me. But things are different now.

You know what? I haven't been mean or rude. I haven't been disrespectful. I've been honest, and sometimes honesty is Hard but it's important to be honest. Honesty really does set you free. 

Today I got angry at things that have happened to my family. We were steered in the wrong direction by a clinician who was tyrannical and unstable, and it caused my family to fall apart. My parents never beat or hit me, they fed me and provided shelter. But their words hurt me more than they can understand. They were damaging to my sensitive psyche and I crumbled with their words and loud voices. Now I am speaking my truth. Their words hurt me and I can talk about it and not worry about repercussions. My feelings matter. My voice matters. I matter. It's a foreign, difficult, scary, and amazing concept to grasp.

I feel ugly today and I think it's a reflection of how I feel about myself as a person overall. I've been distant and short and impatient with my housemates and apologized for that today. I am just so desperate to move to independent housing that I've been short and that's uncalled for. I've asked anyone who hears or sees me being less than kind to point it out. I hate being a flawed human being. I hate being irrational and hurting other people. At the same time though I am setting boundaries for myself and protecting the body I have never protected. I'm learning so much about myself... It's a trying process. But I believe this will be worth it in the end.

Going to take it easy tonight. Maybe treat myself to a frozen yogurt. I think I will do just that! I deserve it :) all this therapy is exhausting!

Therapy is hard

Therapy is hard. Especially good therapy. My therapist asks the hard questions... But she does it because she cares and because she wants to push me, she wants to see me be successful.

I'm taking ownership for my actions. Not blaming my emotions and behaviors on different parts - actually taking my own accountability. I am an imperfect human being who has been less than compassionate to my other parts, and I need to make amends. I need to tell my parts I'm sorry for blaming them for all my troubles. It's time for me to admit I am a flawed person who has made mistakes. I have tried to adapt and protect myself and it's been a hard process.

It's time for me to find myself and accept that I will always have parts no matter how much I sometimes wish they weren't there. And I as Abbi have feelings and emotions and get scared and confused and overwhelmed and make poor decisions. All of this is hard to admit and hard to grasp. But it's part of the healing process.

My therapist is tough, but so caring. She calls me "kiddo" and tells me she's proud of all the hard work we are doing. I start to cry and she hands me the box of tissues. She asks where I am, what I'm thinking, asks me to be vulnerable and exposed. She pushes all my buttons, knows what I'm thinking.... and it's uncomfortable. But I need this.

I'm rambling. I guess I'm just trying to say therapy is hard but worth it. Changing for the better.

It's ok to love someone and be angry

This morning I had therapy... brought my breakfast into session. (English muffin sandwich with egg, cheese, turkey bacon, and strawberries, and soy latte). We talked about family session yesterday. I'm feeling rather angry at my parents right now, even though they haven't done anything lately for me to be upset about. I feel angry about the past... and I guess that's ok. Things were hard and I have the right to be angry.
Growing up, I felt that when someone was angry with me they didn't love me anymore. My mother or father would yell and automatically they no longer loved me. That's a very young way of thinking about things. My parents are working really hard right now to change and for us to develop a healthy relationship... and I'm starting to realize that I can be angry at my parents; in fact I have the RIGHT to be angry at them... but I can love them at the same time. Angry does not mean unloved. People who love each other get angry, it's normal in fact. I'm feeling real anger, and the good thing is I'm not taking it out on my body like I usually do. I'm angry, and that's ok. I still love my parents but I'm entitled to my feelings. My parents feel bad about how everything went when I was a kid, and I'm realizing that they are in a strong enough place to take care of themselves and feel the regret and guilt that they have about how they raised me.
I'm angry, and I'm entitled to my anger.

I'm getting close to my goal weight, and I don't know what I'm feeling... pretty overwhelmed. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I'm happy with what I see. Sometimes I want to cry. I guess it depends on how I'm feeling when I look. Today I'm wearing a tight tank top... it shows my curves, but so far I feel ok with it. I am trying to get used to clothes actually fitting me and not sagging off. Part of me wishes my clothes were still sagging, but part of me is glad that I look healthier. I look stronger. I look like a 21 year old not a 14 year old or even younger girl. I often feel unsafe in a woman's body, but I am safe now. Having a woman's body is not going to get me in trouble like before... at least I hope not. I am 21 years old. It's my body. I can keep my body safe.

Lots going on in my head today, sorry for rambling... so much confusion, so many thoughts and feelings.

Have a lovely day.

Productive and overall positive day

I woke up in a decent mood today! Didn't have my coffee because I knew I was getting weighted... Something I need to work on. Eating and drinking enough before weigh day. Anyway, I had an early meeting with one of my therapists. We got into some tough stuff... Trauma and abuse. But I put that in a little container and stored it on a shelf and moved right along with my day. Then I went to petco to see the kitties (just a quick stop to say hello) and to michaels where I got se lanyard for making key chains and bracelets. I love craft stores I could spend every penny in there!

Had lunch and a brief catnap on the couch, and then headed to nutrition group. I get weighed before group. I could tell my weight has gone up, but the good news is I am allowed to go on walks again!! So gaining is good because I'm getting privileges back. And that makes me feel good! Gaining weight feels so wrong most of the time but if there are incentives it's better.

Talked to my dad on the phone. He's proud of me. Which is so weird and foreign. He actually wants to speak to me. He sounds happy. It's a relief to have my parents on my side for the first time. I truly am starting to believe they care and want me to be healthy. I never thought the day would come when I'd want to spend time with my parents. That we'd feel like a family. Amazing.

I'm pretty self conscious about my body today but I haven't let it affect my eating at all.
On the right path...

Session and slurpees!!

Today I saw my dietician. First thing I got weighed- NOT my favorite part of the day. I wanted to refuse but I stepped on the scale anyway. The good news is I'm allowed to walk more! Yay! That means my weight is up, but at least something good is coming out of it! My meal plan is working well for me... It's a lot of food but my body is doing what it needs to.. Ugh. Such mixed emotions. I'm happy that I'm getting healthy but it also feels so wrong.

Went with my dietician t get a slurpee at 7-11 for a challenge. Felt kind of guilty about eating something that just doesn't have any nutritional value. But every once in a while it's ok to have a fun food. Slurpees are tasty




I deserve to have a bigger, fuller, happier life. I am not a bad person because my stomach is bloated. I am ok just the way I am.

I wish the right thing felt more right.
Pushing through

Family therapy

Just came out of my first family session at Hanbleceya (the treatment center I'm at). The therapists are kind and supportive. The environment is safe. But I feel as though I might fall apart. I want to cry... cut...scream...yell... so many emotions.

My childhood was hard. 

I won't go into details. 

I have so much shame, so much guilt. I wish I had fought for myself when I was a child, I wish I hadn't been so sensitive, I wish I'd talked back. I wish I'd spoken up. 

But I didn't. 

My parents are apologizing for their part... Not protecting me as a little girl. They are sorry. They are genuinely sorry... and I don't know what to say. They are apologizing and I feel the apologize back, to tell them it's ok, to make them feel better... they are clearly in so much pain. Both said that they wish, every day, they had done things differently. 

I wish things had been different, too.

Feeling very solemn, sad, contemplative, scared... 

But I can finally share my story and be heard. Finally I won't have to live with the secrets. Finally I have a chance to not be all alone. 

We won't be alone. We will be heard, maybe?