Resisting

I was hungry when i got home from group…. I hadn't had snack yet, only an iced coffee. And silly me was thinking "oh I'm just going to have a small snack." Dumb. So I had an apple with cinnamon and sugar and a bowl of cooked carrots… and my stomach felt full but I was still HUNGRY. So I had two tea cookies and a cup of tea with soy milk. Now I feel really sloshy. Not full, just feeling that all the food I just ate is swishing around in my stomach. Part of me wants to get rid of this awful feeling. It would be so easy. But the other part of me, the healthy part, knows that this feeling will pass in a little while. I feel like this sometimes, and it DOES NOT mean I have to purge to make myself feel better.

I started panicking a little and got really hot and anxious so I've turned the fan on, I'm writing, I'm relaxing for a few minutes. This feeling will pass. And I didn't eat anything unhealthy… I had an apple and carrots for goodness sake. Silly silly girl I am. Freaking out over an apple and some carrots. I really need to have MORE for my snack to meet my meal plan… I'm going to wait a little bit though.

I have class tonight so I will bring a sandwich with me to eat in class. Usually I bring a hummus sandwich, which I think tastes really yummy… and carrots but I'm kind of feeling sick of carrots at the moment. I will try to find another vegetable to bring with me I think. Perhaps frozen peas?

Pushing forward and NOT overreacting. This is SO hard but I KNOW it's going to be worth it in the end. Never stop fighting. This is worth it.

Close call

Tonight we ate dinner out at a Chinese restaurant. Chinese food is scary to me because it's greasy and heavy and I don't know the calorie counts. Unhealthy thinking - that's just where I'm at right now. 

I ordered a bowl of hot and sour soup, and it tasted good, and before I knew it the whole bowl was gone.

My heart starting pounding. I got dizzy and short of breath. I felt like I was going to throw up. I had to stand up. I wanted to get up and run to the bathroom I wanted to cry. Lucking one of the staff who was with us, who struggled with an eating disorder herself, calmed me down enough to get home and take my anxiety medicine. I am now peacefully fuzzy and seeing things in slow motion. Which is ok. But I don't like having to medicate myself to calm down. Sometimes it's needed I guess. At least I feel better.

It was a close call. I wanted to have behaviors and I could have if I wanted to. But I waited it out and now I feel much better. Drinking ginger tea to calm my stomach. And planning to have my night snack, no exceptions. I can't fall off the bandwagon now I'm doing so well!! I have good things ahead and purging and restricting are only seriously going to get in the way.

The discomfort will Pass by morning. My body knows what to do with this food. My body knows what to do knows what to do.:. Ahh.

Pushing through 

Urges

I want to purge.

I want to binge and purge. 

I'm hungry but stuffed... What is wrong with me?? My stomach is bloated out like a balloon. I know if I go to sleep I will wake up in the morning feeling better. So I will ride out the discomfort and be good.

I am choosing to be healthy. Not because someone is making me eat. Not because I want to impress anyone... Because I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.

It's time. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to keep my food down. I deserved the nutrition I got today.

Good night friends. Sleep well, may you find peace <3