Today is my last day in captivity

Today is my last day in residential housing. Tomorrow morning I will move everything into independent housing. Have I mentioned how excited I am?? I feel very ready to move to independence. I feel confident that I will be successful living on my own. If you had told me I was going to live alone six months ago I would have been terrified.

When I got to Hanbleceya I had just gotten out of an 8 week hospital stay. I was still suicidal, purging, and self harming. My parts were a mess, all over the place, cutting, I was dissociating. I was not safe. I took a tour of the different houses, and the thought of living without supervision scared me to death. I was afraid that I just wouldn't wake up. I did not think I was safe to hold my own medication or have chemicals or sharp things like knives and razors. I saw the residential house and immediately knew that was where I belonged. Sharps locked up. chemicals locked up. Meds locked up... the safety was comforting to me. I was so relieved when I started living at the residential house. I felt safe, I had people I could ask for help.

The first four months of my stay at Hanbleceya I really did need to be in residential. I started cutting and purging. Rules were put in place that I had to stay with staff for 40 minutes after meals so that I wouldn't purge, but after 40 minutes I would still purge anyway. I wasn't allowed to walk, and at one point I even had to be driven a block down the street to the therapy center. I was on very strict supervision, and had pretty much no freedom. But I turned things around. When everyone on my treatment team thought I'd end up in the hospital, I started eating and stopped purging. I started to gain weight. I started having fewer urges. I stopped self harming... I got better despite the odds.

Flash forward to today... I can't STAND having chemicals and sharps locked up!! When I do the dishes I want to have dish soap without having to ask. I want to be able to shave my legs in the shower! I no longer feel at risk for harming myself with the things that are locked up. I feel safe. I feel strong. I am doing so much better with my eating and I am pretty much 100% responsible for following my meal plan. I'm working on eating that 100% and getting closer every day. Tomorrow I will be free. I deserve to have this extra freedom. I'm ready. It's time!

A little disappointed

I met with my therapist this morning and it looks like it will be a few weeks before I can move out into independent housing. They want to speak with my dietician and have me stable at a healthy weight for a little while longer. I'll admit I'm dissapointed. I was hoping for some freedom. It will happen! Just not as soon as I had hoped.

I feel hungry all the time! This morning I had Special K cereal for breakfast and it was NOT filling at all! By 11 I was shaking with low blood sugar! Shows me how important it is to eat and keep myself stable. I don't like being hungry. Sometimes I wonder how I relapse and starve myself the way that i do.

For now I'm stuck in residential. But it won't be too long until I'm free. I will just prove that I'm ready and continue kicking butt!!

Today we moved houses so we will be unpacking all day... Fun. What are you doing today?