Weight gain

In group today I was talking about how I'm doing well, eating, getting along with my parents, moving forward... And an older lady in the group said probably the worst thing you can say to someone recovering from an eating disorder; "I notice how much weight you've gained..." 

She may have said something after that. But I fell apart: switched to Polly and started sobbing. My worst suspicion... People actually see and notice my body changing. And for me it's not just the weight gain, it's looking like woman. Having a woman's body is terrifying to me due to past trauma. But my fears have been confirmed. My weight gain is apparent to others.

So what do I do from here? Do I give in to the melt down and slip into a downward spiral? Do I refuse dinner? Do I start cutting corners, body checking, calorie counting, depriving my body of what it needs?

NO. Absolutely not.

I move forward. I eat dinner, all of dinner, and then eat snack all of snack. I pick myself up, say some affirmations, and move forward. One comment from someone I barely know will NOT throw me off course. I am strong.

And now that I've had some space to think and process, this lady didn't mean to hurt my feelings. In fact she was probably trying to be supportive and congratulate me on the work I'm doing. I was and (and technically still am) underweight and needing to gain. And now that I've gained some much needed weight I probably do look healthier. For some reason "healthy" had a negative connotation in my mind.... I associate healthy with fat, plump, round when really healthy is a great thing!! Healthy means I can move into independent living, go to school, drive, get out of treatment... Even have kids some day. If I continue to be unhealthy I will never have kids and a family. And I want to have a family!! I know it's far away  but I want my body to function, and I want to live. 

So I will eat my dinner. Call my parents. Eat my snack. Move forward.

I DESERVE to gain weight and be happy. And so do you. End of story.