Many tears, lots of dissociating, lots of flashbacks and body pains :( I'm miserable. And it's because it's my first cycle in five months. Bittersweet.
On one hand, my body is healthy! It is functioning the way it needs to. That is a good step in the right directions. So I can celebrate.
On the other hand, this time of the month brings up LOTS of emotions, flashbacks, and body memories related to past traumas as a child and teenager. I'm terrified of having a woman's body and getting my cycle just tips me over the edge. I am on suicide watch because last time I got a period I overdosed, ended up in respiratory failure on a ventilator, and almost died. That's how scary my period is. That's how much it affects me.
How to get through this week:
- Lots of self soothing. Maybe a bath, warm blankets, comfy clothes
- helping out my little parts. Holding stuffed animals, cuddling with blankets
- not going out alone. Always having support so someone in my system doesn't buy pills or anything else dangerous
- getting out of the house and walking
- affirmations: I am safe, this is normal, I can get through this
- reaching out for support when I need it
Things to look forward to when I get past this body experience: moving to independence! Getting my Pets. Getting freedoms back.
Breathing. Going to make it through this week. It's uncomfortable but I will survive.
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