Rambling

Being in a therapeutic community means that there is drama, and at times chaos, which I DO NOT like at all. Last night one of my housemates got angry and started throwing things, and was being very scary. It made me pretty nervous.

I had lunch with my parents at a Jewish deli. The food was alright, not great. I had matzah ball soup :) The matzah ball was good, but I didn't like the rest of it too much. Oh well.
I feel as though I under ate, however, and when I got home I was really hungry. So I had my snack (frozen yogurt) and then some carrots. But I felt guilty afterward, which is silly because they are carrots. Really silly to freak out over carrots.

Tonight for dinner we are having chicken, but it's coated in bread crumbs and silly me, that scares me. It's making my stomach do flip flops. But its baked not fried, and it's really just a little bread and a piece of chicken, which both of those things I am ok with. My brain just doesn't make sense sometimes. I wanted to ask for a piece of chicken without breading, but I need to be flexible and eat what other people are eating. I need to less strict about my eating because sometimes it just gets weird. Some day I want to eat like a normal human being and not measure all my food so obsessively. I FREAK out when I can't measure my food, which is why restaurants are so challenging. I don't know how much I am having. I guess it's a control thing. I am hoping once I've been stable for a little bit longer I will wean myself off measuring, and eventually off meal planning completely! I want to be able to listen to my body and eat what I need. I can't ever see it happening right now :( But maybe in the future it will. Who knows? I've made a lot of progress already, I can't imagine I'll have to measure my food out forever.

Baby steps, little progress at a time. I did eat out last night and this afternoon, so I am moving forward. Sometimes I wish I could move forward faster but I have to be patient with myself.
Baby steps.