It's just a number...

I get weighed today and I am kind of FREAKING out. I know the number is up. Part of me feels so embarrassed to step on the scale, proof of my "ugliness" proof of my failure and how disgusting I am.

But this thinking is illogical.

Gaining weight is a GOOD thing. Really good! When I get to my goal weight I will have so many good things waiting for me! Independent housing, school, my pets, driving... it's a big list of good things that will happen once I gain the weight!
So why am I so miserable about gaining weight??

I had a lot of trauma growing up. And my body was abused and objectified.
And now I am the abuser of my body.
But no more.

I will be kind to my body. Feed it what it needs. Let it get to the ideal weight and stay there, as much as I want to fight!!! I DON'T WANT TO GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT. But I need it. My body needs it. And once I get there I will feel better in many ways.

Ugh.
I am so conflicted and so out of sorts. i don't want to get out of bed.... I don't want to start the day. I want the day to go away so I can get in bed again!! I have therapy this morning, hopefully it will help me put some things in perspective. My therapist is tough, and tells me things how they are, and always challenges me and my other parts.

I will have breakfast and snack and lunch and move on with my day. End of story.
Onward!