TW A woman's body TW

This entry is very personal, and could be triggering to some. If you don't want to read please stop here.
TRIGGER WARNING









I've been sick with my eating disorder since I was 11, and as a result I never really developed a woman's body. Well having a woman's body is probably the hardest part of recovery for me. I have a history of abuse and trauma that started as a very young child and went into my teenage years .That is the reason I have DID and parts of myself that have split off and developed new personalities. I won't go into details about my trauma, as nobody needs to know, but I will just say it happened so what I'm writing makes sense.

I learned from a young age that my body was not a safe place, and as I grew into a teenager, that lesson was just confirmed. My body has never been safe, never been fully mine. As I entered teenage years and started to develop my father and my peers teased me about my body. Boys noticed me. And I shut that down quickly by not eating. I became a little girl again, flat chested, slight.... and that felt safer to me, at least safer than looking like a woman.

Fast forward to me now.... finally at a healthy weight and still massively struggling to accept my body as a woman's and not a little girl. In fact I don't really accept my body. In order to function and get through my day, I wrap my chest with ace bandages to appear flat chested. I have not gotten my period regularly as a result of poor eating, but every time I do get a period, it sends me and my whole system into chaos. In fact, my suicide attempt in January was directly related to getting my period for the first time in years. It brought up so many memories and so much physical body pain that I wanted to die instead of live as a woman. That's how low I got. And I never want to get to that place again.

And I will tell you now, that is the reason I am not yet moving to independent housing. This week I began birth control pills, and it will induce my period in a few weeks. My treatment team wants to be sure that I can get through a period and not try to harm myself or completely fall apart. I understand why they are doing this, it's just frustrating. I don't WANT to get my period.

But I want to have kids some day... and how will I do that without a woman's body?
A woman's body is beautiful. Some day I hope to accept this. It hasn't happened yet.

So you know a little more about my story and where I'm at right now... this is all very personal, and I don't expect anyone to read this. I just feel I NEED to get some of my thoughts out. If my story can help anyone, just one person, it is worth posting on this blog. I want to share my story, my struggles, my successes, my failures, my weaknesses....
If you ever EVER want to write me or ask questions, or just find a friend email me: crazycurls1992@gmail.com

Never, ever, ever give up on your beautiful self.