I feel horrible sometimes

 Sometimes I look at my reflection in the mirror or in glass and I'm ok with what I see. Sometimes, like right now, I absolutely despise everything. I feel huge and bloated and disgusted and so uncomfortable. It's awful. I want to crawl out of my skin and into someone else's. It makes me think "maybe I should go back to restricting and purging" and for a moment that actually sounds like a good idea. But then I think "wait a second! Am I crazy??" To want to go back to being sick is crazy. First, I don't want to be sick anymore. It's not fun or worth it. It will make me feel worse than I feel now. Second, no matter how much weight I've lost I have Never been happy and it's never been enough. I've been at the very lowest weights in the depths of my disorder and still felt ugly, probably uglier than ever. So going to the eating disorder is not going to help.

So what do I do??

I continue eating and being healthy to start. I eat dinner and I eat snack and I go to bed and feel brand new in the morning. I wear clothes that make me feel ok, even though it feels like right now none of my clothes look right. I put on a shirt and skirt then another shirt then another skirt then pants then jeans then shorts... It's awful. Nothing feels right. So I will wear the most comfortable thing at the moment which is dresses and skirts. I am out though I need to do laundry haha.  I will read my positive statements and affirmations about myself and try to replace positive thoughts with the negative. Turn "I'm fat" Into "I am healthy" and "I'm horribly ugly" into "I deserve to be healthy." I will repeat the positives over  and over until they are ingrained. Every night before dinner I do a worksheet called an ATR or automatic thought record. The sheet instructs me to write a negative thought and reframe it. Tonight was "I am hideous and don't deserve to eat." My response... "Every creature and person deserves to eat no matter what." And the sheet asks me "what would you tell a friend in your situation?" Well if I had a friend who said she was ugly I would give her an enormous hug and tell her she is beautiful and worthy and that I'm so proud of all the work she's done the past few weeks. I don't know what makes it so hard to tell myself nice things... It's just so hard :(

My eating disorder goes against all my values. I believe people and animals are beautiful on the inside. I believe true beauty comes from within. I believe looks aren't important... What's important is being kind and generous and loving. Every person and creature is love able no matter if they are ugly or fat or thin or beautiful or mean or nice... They all deserve love and good things. I am a human. We are humans. We deserve to eat and to live.

Sorry this got so long I'm just really trying to talk myself out of being destructive. Feeling quite low at the moment and really don't want to eat dinner. But I will eat my dinner and keep it down. I can do this. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. Ahhhhh. 

One moment at a time friends.