Breakfast Treat

This morning for breakfast I am treating myself to a chai tea latte at starbucks. I'm SUPER excited. It is warm and delicious and I can't wait.

Yesterday was hard. I kind of fell off the bandwagon the end of the day, but I am back on track today. I will not allow one bad afternoon to get in my way. I am moving forward. I can do this. Today is a new day. I get weighed this morning… and for some reason getting weighed is a HUGE deal for me. But my weight does not define me. I am not my weight. My dietician will not judge me based on my weight… sorry to repeat myself I'm just trying to burn that thought into my brain. I AM NOT MY WEIGHT!! End of story. Ugh this is so hard. I wish it didn't matter. I wish it wasn't a big deal… but it is right now. I am trying to tell myself it's not important. My clothes fit fine. I'm a little puffy. But it's ok. I'm ok.

I will enjoy my Starbucks drink and have my snack and I packed lunch for a group activity. I can do this. I will have a good day.

My thanksgiving was stressful… how was yours??

Happy Friday!

New day

It's a new day. A new start. And I'm glad because last night did not end well. But it's a new start. All I can do is move forward.
Today will be a good day. Breakfast is my favorite these days…. egg white omelette and cinnamon toast with honey nut cream cheese. Today we go grocery shopping so I am excited about that. I put ensure plus on the list… as much as I hate ensure, it is a saving grace for me. Sometimes it's the only way I can get in enough calories. And you know what? That's ok. As I explained yesterday, nutritional supplements are not a failure in any way! They are condensed, complete nutrition and sometimes that's what we need. So I will be drinking ensure. And that's ok.

I notice more people are reading my blog :) Thank you! I am sorry things have been so negative lately. I really am trying to stay positive it's just hard because I've been in a pretty negative place. My mind feels all jumbled and I feel pretty spacey these days. But I'm trying really hard to get back to myself. It will take some time.

Today I am going to try to conquer some fear foods and eat everything I need without reacting after. Today I am going to try my hardest to be healthy.

I can do this.
You can do this.
Keep fighting friends!

Getting back on track is a MUST

Now getting back on track with my eating is a MUST. I must happen. Today I had a hard session with my dietician… and she brought it up: me going back to residential. This CANNOT happen. I am happy having freedom and independence, I have a life now. I am in school and volunteering, I CANNOT go backwards. End. Of. Story.

Game plan: eat and keep it down. I have some support especially with dinner and I need to embrace that support. I have staff to keep me from getting in trouble. Last night I just waited until the staff was gone. Tonight I will utilize the support. I am doing automatic thought record sheets and affirmations, there is NO reason why I can't get myself back on track. The truth is, when I was in residential I could have continued purging and restricting. But I decided to get my act together and when it was time I did it. I was miserable, but I did it. I can do it now.

I guess I'm hesitant to get "better" this time because my weight is really fine. I lost some weight being sick but gained it back. To be honest, my weight really bothers me. I feel so so ugly when I'm bloated after a day of eating. But I have to work through it. I am NOT going to residential with all the snotty staff and no freedom. I am staying independent. I am turning things around.

Today. I start today. The first part of the day was not successful. But lunch was and so will snack and dinner and night snack. I am going out to dinner with my house tonight, I will eat and keep it down. I deserve to be nourished. My body needs it. Weight is irrelevant. I am depleting my body of the nutrients that it needs and that's not ok. I need to treat my body with kindness. I would NEVER abuse someone else the way I abuse myself, both physically and emotionally. I am so so hard on myself and really very cruel to my body. That stops now.

I will read as many flipping affirmations as I need to to get through this tough time. I am strong. I am brave. I am capable. I am alive. I am resilient. I am loved and lovable. I am a good friend. I am a good sister. I am a good daughter. I am a fighter. I can do this.

PLEASE root fo me. I need someone on my side. Someone who actually believes I can get through this lapse.
And I must root for myself.
I can do this.
Keep fighting friends. We can do this.

Believing in myself

It seems that right now the people in my life have more faith in me than I have in myself. Both my therapists have told me that I really haven't slipped back too far and that they have no doubt I will get back on track, and my dietician said the same thing. They believe I can do this. That I can get back on track and be ok.

The problem is that I'm having trouble believing in myself. I feel that I have fallen on my face, that I'm a zillion steps backwards, that I have failed. I don't feel like I can get myself together. I feel lost and hopeless :(

But I CAN do this. I can do this. I have done it before. I am more determined than ever. Breakfast and lunch were not a success. But I am meeting some friends for frozen yogurt and I will enjoy it and keep it down. I will spend the time with my friends and not focus on freaking out about having a treat. It is my decision to get back on track. My choice. My job. And I can do this. I keep saying it and I know it's getting old. I'm just trying to convince myself that I can turn my act around.

Tonight is school. Dinner in class so hopefully that will be a good distraction. I am going to focus on really condensing my foods to make eating easier. Any moment is a chance to start over. I still have time. I can do this (sorry again).

Moving forward. Keep rooting for me!

Harder than I thought

Getting back on track has proved to be harder than I thought it would be. Today has not gone well. I desperately want to eat. I am SO hungry. But I have not been allowing myself what I need and I have not been allowing myself to keep things down. I am so disappointed in myself. I need to get out of this hole, this bump in the road. I know I can do it. I'm just frustrated.

Plan:
Tonight I will have a big snack before bed and then get in bed and NOT get up. I need the nutrition. Maybe I will had an ensure. Maybe I will just make sure it's a big snack.

I will make my meal plan for tomorrow. It will be what I need.

Tomorrow I will FOLLOW my meal plan. No exceptions. Anything I don't keep down or do not eat will be substituted with an ensure (need to remember to get more of those).

Stay out of the bathroom and around people tomorrow.

I can do this. I know I can.
Game time.

Drained

After a few days of eating poorly I am feeling petty cruddy. Tired, dizzy, low energy, bad mood: it's amazing how quickly things can go wrong. I need to catch myself before I head for real relapse. This is scary:

This morning for breakfast and lunch just didn't go well. I just had a latte which tasted really good and when I get home I will have another small snack. And then dinner at school. I can do this: I know I can. I just need to get motivated:

Making a commitment to stay safe the rest of today. Argh this is so hard :( root for me tonight.

Bumpy day

Today, for some reason, is not going so well. Eating is just not right today. Feeling kind of discouraged. I woke up kind of "off" today and the day just hasn't gotten better. Feels like a major slip backwards. I  had been doing so well!

But I am not wallowing. Nope. I am moving forward. I am strong. I am a fighter. I am NOT someone who just gives up.

So what do I do from here? I move forward. I eat my snack and dinner and my night snack and I turn things around. Every slip is a chance to learn and grow. I am learning. I am growing. I am fighting.

No matter how crappy your day is it can get better. Don't give up on yourself!

Concerned

I'm getting concerned. Twice this weekend I have had slip ups, specifically with binging. I'm trying to figure out what's going on and why this is happening…. I'm so confused. My meal plan should be enough to keep me satisfied but maybe my corner-cutting is getting the best of me… I'll admit I change things a bit on my meal plan… making certain food have more exchanges than they actually have. But I'm overall following my meal plan. Another confession: I've been drinking and eating "light" dairy products. I know I need the full fat but the eating disorder has just gotten in the way. I've let it get in the way.

So it's possible that I am hungry. I know how many calories I've been eating and it isn't that high of a number. In fact the number is probably lower than it should be. I am not reaching the calorie levels that I need to be eating. Today after snack I was hungry… and I felt guilty so I went for the ice cream. I wouldn't consider eating a bowl of ice cream a binge, but to me it felt that way, and I've never successfully "binged" without following up with other behaviors. I'm frustrated. Really frustrated. These are OLD behaviors that should not be happening. I need to get back on track.

Today I will have an ensure to make up for what I lost. I will eat dinner and I will eat my snack and I will move forward. But I DO want to know what is causing me to have these behaviors. Is it emotional? Am I not taking care of my feelings? Or am I actually hungry? Either option is possible. I need to figure it out, I know that much. Again, I'm moving forward. No dwelling on mistakes. Nobody is perfect.

Giving up control

I am giving up control. It's time. I am no longer going to lie or cheat or manipulate. Usually on weigh days I eat very little and drink nothing to weigh as little as possible. I'm done with this nonsense. Tomorrow morning I will drink my coffee because I enjoy it and it wakes me up, and I will have my breakfast at school. I will eat a full lunch, not a half-assed sandwich, and I will get weighed, and I will survive. So what if my weight is up a pound or two in water weight? Who cares?? I don't want to care anymore. I want to live. And I don't want to put my life on hold on Mondays and Fridays when I get weighed. It just isn't that important. And it isn't the end of the world. I think this will take a lot of stress out of my week.

I called the therapist on call to get some advise, as today has been hard. I will eat dinner and continue on with my day. I deserve to eat and be nourished. I deserve to be happy and feel ok after eating, and I deserve to keep the food down. I am strong.

Sorry for all the posts today... I'm just trying to write myself out of some poor decisious. Thanks for reading and hopefully my insight can help you. All I want to do is help.

Believe in yourself.

Failings

Today I'm just not myself... Crazy urges and some behaviors which I'm really ashamed of. It's been a hard week and I'm finding myself dreading tomorrow.... School, weigh in, groups... I want to escape it all. I have a big project that I'm not allowed to work on because it's pretty triggering but I am panicking about getting it done. The project isn't due until the 7th of October so I have time. But I'm still worried.

I have a pattern of restricting on days where I get weighed... I eat as light as possible because I'm afraid it will affect my weight. But you know what?? That's silly. Really silly. Tomorrow I'm going to drink my coffee and eat what I need. I won't restrict and feel starving just to weigh a little less. So stupid. 

My stomach is growling. The cookies I made this morning sound amazing. But I'm not allowed. The voices in my head are calling me a cow, I don't deserve those cookies. Only good people deserve cookies... Again this is silly. I don't deprive my babies of food and treats. They deserve nourishment no matter what. I wouldn't hold back food from one of the kitties I work with. Even if they hiss and growl they deserve food and treats. I don't deprive anyone else.... Why should I deprive myself?? I'm sitting in Starbucks and the huge counter of treats is calling to me... Cake, muffins, cookies..: look so good. But I don't think I can do that right now :( I'm pretty out of sorts. Just one of those days.

I will eat dinner. I think we are having salmon and pasta and vegetables. It's healthy and nourishment for my body. And then I will have my snack. And if I still feel this gnawing hunger I will eat more or have an ensure plus because I need it. This will pass. I will be ok. Right now I just feel sucky.

I'm not giving up. I can do this. Hoping the day gets better.

Learning from slip ups

I have made a lot of progress in the past several weeks. I went from eating hardly anything and purging to eating 100% of my meal plan with almost no purging. The transformation I've made is dramatic. And I feel very proud of myself. I did what other people in my life thought was impossible. I almost ended up in the hospital, but I turned things around and got healthy. Now, for the first time in years, I have been hospital free for 6 months. This is truly a miracle. I never thought I'd come this far.

Tonight after dinner, I had a slip up. I responded, on a whim, to anxiety about moving and feeling overwhelmed about school. I don't know WHY I did it. I was having a good day... but I did. And I feel bad. I emailed my dietician and told her what had happened, and she told me that slip ups happen, not to get down on myself about it. And do you know what I'm doing? I'm moving forward. I slipped up. It happened. Now I'm moving forward.

I've only had a few slips the past several weeks. And each time that I've slipped up, I've learned from y mistake. I learned that what I get too hungry, and lonely, and tired, and angry I respond by having behaviors. I need to eat consistently to keep myself from binging, and I need to tell myself positive things to keep myself from purging. I need to follow my meal plan and listen to my body, and eat when i get hungry because that is what my body needs. I need to eat consistently, sleep enough, and take enough time to myself to clear my head and prevent myself from getting overwhelmed. I know what I need to do. Today I just didn't take care of myself the way I needed to and it resulted in eating disorder behaviors.

I am moving forward. And I am learning.

Still under-cutting

Today I have not eaten everything I need to. You must be tired of hearing me say this. "I've cut corners." "I haven't had enough." Well I haven't. And I FEEL it because I'm hungry. If I was eating everything on my meal plan I would not be hungry. But I'm hungry.

I'll go through my day.

Had my mini chia seed pudding :) And then went for a walk/run 30 minutes

Breakfast: Oatmeal made with 1/2 cup of soy milk instead of a whole cup, 1/4 cup of blueberries instead of a cup, 1/4 cup almonds (all of them)

Snack: 3/4 cup All Bran cereal instead of a cup, 3/4 cup soy milk instead of a whole cup, 1/2 banana

Lunch: Subway sandwich; turkey and veggies. No cheese. No fats. Apples on the side

Snack: Peach, 1 cup special K cereal instead of 2 cups, 1 string cheese

Dinner: Spaghetti with a little tomato sauce, and steamed carrots.. There were only beef meatballs, which I don't eat, so I didn't get any protein. :(

Walked for 1 hour and ten minutes.

Snack 1: Big bowl of steamed carrots with salt, pepper, and garlic powder

Getting ready to have my night snack in a little while.
I just haven't gotten in enough today. I feel it. And I get weighed tomorrow. Part of me wants to cheat my weight, just to get to my "goal weight" and be done with the whole thing. But the other part of me wants to be honest. I need to be honest, or I will get nowhere. I think I need to gain about 3 pounds. I could drink a bottle of water or two and get there. But I am done lying and cheating. I will be honest.

My dietician and I are going to the mall food court for lunch as a challenge. Not sure what I'll get. And I am going out to dinner tomorrow night! Lots of challenges.

But I can do this. Too many good things going to give up now.
FIGHTING HARD.

Just haven't had enough today

I started off my day without counting calories... but I had a slip up and after that I was worried about the calories I needed to make up, and I calculated what I'd eaten on my phone. And it was NOT enough. I have NOT eaten enough today!! I am supposed to be putting on a little more weight and with the number of calories I'm eating now that is not going to happen.
I'm torn. Part of me says "Great job! You're doing the right thing" the other part of me says "What is wrong with you?? Stupid!!!" and I don't know what to believe.

So I have a few options... a) eat my night snack and go to bed. b) eat my night snack and add an ensure plus to make up for what I've missed today c) Add something extra to my snack d) give up and just go to bed

I am not going to give up. And I will most certainly eat my night snack. But I am battling with myself about whether I should add something extra. My body probably needs it. My mind probably needs it. I need it to be healthy.

I hate my brain sometimes!!! It just makes no sense! I need to do what's healthy for my body. End of story.

Night snack: Toast with banana and nutella, and a soy milk latte.

What are you eating right now?

One slip does not mean failure

I have a lot going on... And this afternoon I had a slip up. I got overwhelmed and made an unhealthy decision. I could sit and feel sorry for myself and completely fall apart. But I'm not going to do that. I am having my snack and moving forward. Am I dissapointed? Yes. Am I a failure? No.

I had an apple and I'll get something else to complete my snack, and then I'll have dinner. I am quite anxious as this is my first day not counting calories. seeing my mom brings up a lot of emotions, and my house has been extremely chaotic. I'm also expecting something difficult tomorrow so I'm anxious about that. I got overwhelmed. But I'm moving forward. Baby steps. Not giving up.

Feeling like a failure

After dinner tonight I was still hungry... so I had an extra salad, and a square of chocolate, and I was STILL hungry. Gah. So I went to the store and ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. Nothing I've eaten the second half of the day has stayed down :( Feeling like an utter failure.
Why am I having this problem? I was doing so well.

I think I know.

I lowered my calorie intake significantly, probably by at least 800 calories a day. Maybe this is my body saying I NEED those extra calories? It feels like a lot, I was eating about 2800-3000 calories and now I am at 1900-2200. Maybe it's not enough. Perhaps tomorrow I won't cut so many corners. Cutting corners is getting me in big trouble.

I want to come clean to my treatment team, but I don't want to seem like I've taken a step backwards. I am STILL moving forward, slowly but surely. These are just bumps in the road. Things have been chaotic. I am responding to that in unhealthy ways.

So I will have my full snack tonight, maybe add something, and then start again tomorrow. Every day is a chance to start over, a new beginning. Tomorrow I will do better.

Trying not to be too hard on myself... this is a process. A difficult process! I can do this.

Never stop fighting.

Slipping into old behaviors..

There are definite warning signs that I am slipping into old behaviors. And it's making me pretty nervous. I need to be honest, I have told the staff at my house some of what's going on, but while I'm writing here I may as well be honest.

I have an application on my phone, My Fitness Pal, that tracks calories and exercise, and I have found myself each day aiming for lower and lower calories and obsessively tracking every bite I eat. Healthy? NO not at all. I need to be eating my meal plan and listening to my body, not relying on numbers to rule my day. Also, my daily walks have turned into a way to "burn off" what I've eaten. Mehh. I need to stop. It needs to stop! I have to erase this miserable app. But I'm scared.

Tonight at dinner we had pizza, and I took the smallest piece and a small salad, and (shocker) I was still really hungry! My body was BEGGING me to have another piece of pizza but it wasn't ok. I couldn't do it. I made a big cup of mint tea, and then went for a walk. It's better than purging, but not the best choice at this time. If I want to continue on the road to independence, I need to be moving forward with my health, not going backwards. And I am ok with my body, so i don't know what is fueling this mini lapse.

Steps to move forward:
1. Eat snack tonight. All of snack, and add something if I can. I have not had enough calories today.
2. Wake up in the morning and eat my full breakfast
3. Continue to eat and keep everything down.

Sounds simple, right? Right.
I wish it was simple.

But I REFUSE to give up now! This is a minor blip, I am on the right track.
Moving forward.

Pick yourself back up

So after an overall good, successful day, I had a rough time right before bed. I was feeling really uncomfortable and another part took over and we gave in to urges. Not feeling good about it. Feeling like a failure, a screw up, lousy... pretty awful.

I'm thinking a lot of emotions came up for us in family session, that we are a little overwhelmed and a little raw, and that lots of changes are happening right now. We are vulnerable.

So one slip happened... but does that have to mean full blown relapse??? NO! Absolutely not! I can pick myself up, wake up tomorrow morning light and refreshed, have breakfast, keep it down, and begin the day on the right track. I know I can do it. I am determined. I am strong enough. I CAN do this.

Don't give up on yourself, EVER. You are strong. You are brave. You are amazing.
Pick yourself back up.