Monday!

Happy Monday! New week, new beginnings…. Tomorrow is my last day of classes! After that I only have to go back to school for a final on the 15th. I can't believe I made it through a semester! Feels like a miracle as every time I've tried to go to school I've ended up in the hospital. Not this time! I'm healthy and strong and kicking butt!

Today I go to school and then have groups allllll afternoon. Mondays are a really long day for me. I'm determined to get back on track with my eating (had a little trouble this weekend) but I'm on board and ready!

Good news: I MIGHT GET A CAR!!! I am BEYOND excited. I'm hoping it can be a birthday/Hanukkah present. Driving would make my life SO much easier. Being able to take myself to school and doctor appointments and volunteering would be amazing. I am hoping it pans out.

Have a lovely Monday!

Glad it's a new day

Today is a new day. A new week for me really. I got out of the hospital and I'm back in the swing of things. I am glad to be busy. No time to sit and feel sorry for myself. Food is going better… not perfect… but better. I am contracting with my dietician to stay safe and eat my meals. I have lots of fear foods right now, which is hard, but I am determined to conquer those fears. One at a time. I can do this.

I know I can get over my fears. I can beat the disordered thoughts and urges and come out stronger than ever. Breakfast is cinnamon raisin toast with cream cheese, berries, and egg whites. I'm going to eat it and keep it down. I can do it.

I know nobody is reading right now… but I'm back so PLEASE come back and read my blog!!! I am here, I am back, I am alive I am motivated, I am inspired! Don't give up on me.

Have a lovely Tuesday.

New day

I'm sorry for the negativity lately. I've been in kind of a funk. Not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going. Feeling really lost and sick and confused. But it's a new day. And another chance to start over.

Today I will be following my meal plan 100%. I tried yesterday but was ultimately unsuccessful. I did better than the day before... But not as well as I could have done. I still had behaviors and that is not ok. Today I will try my hardest.

And a few bad days does not make me a complete failure. I struggle. I mess up. I learn. I move forward: the only way to go is forward. I know I can do this. I just feel so sad and discouraged.

It's a new day. New start

I can do this.

Good morning!

Good morning, or good afternoon wherever you are :) I'm on my way to school because it's Monday yaaaaay. I woke up feeling good this morning. I feel strong and confident and ready to take on the week. Yesterday was very needed rest day and it felt great. I look forward to every Sunday.. A day to stay in pajamas. Now it's a whole week until Sunday but that's okay. I enjoy school. Not too thrilled about all the therapy groups but it is what it is. Honestly I would love a week off of therapy just to relax and go to school. But that won't happen for a while.

Today I am determined to follow my whole meal plan. No cutting corners and setting myself up for failure. I am strong enough to do what's right. It's time to get out of semi-recovery and into real recovery. It really is time. I need to give up the control for sure. I'm trying. This is such a hard process. But I'm doing it.

Breakfast this morning is chia pudding... I'll let you know how it is later!

Have a great day!

It's a new day

I'm glad it's a new day. This weekend

Was good and bad. I'm pretty tired and not quite ready for it to be Monday yet... But I'm here at school ready to start a new week. We will be watching the rest of a movie in class so I'm not too worried. And I enjoy class. I'm just tired! This morning I just didn't want to get out of bed. I was all warm and cozy under my covers. But I'm up! Here I am.

I decided to drink my coffee. I'm getting weighed today and usually I would drink nothing to weigh Closer to my real weight: but you know what? I need coffee to wake up and I drank my coffee. Getting over an irrational fear one step at a time. I don't need to weigh less. It just isn't important.

I'm going to talk to my dietician today about the mini binges that have been happening. I'm wondering if I really am hungry. It's possible. I just have to accept I need more food to live and to be satisfied. Breakfast is granola and trail mix... And I'm still hungry. Ugh. 

Hoping to figure things out today.

Have a lovely day!

Happy monday

Happy Monday everyone. I am sitting in the computer lab at school trying to keep myself from being destructive. I am kind of a mess at the moment. I'm trying to wrap my head around the horrible day that I had yesterday. It feels like I took a few steps backward yesterday.... but I am going to be good today and do everything I need to so I don't have to fall backward any further. I have been honest with my dietitian - I emailed her last night to tell her I'd had a hard day. I will see her today and maybe speak up in nutrition group to get peer support. I cannot go backwards. Only forward.

Bad days used to completely unravel me. I'd fall apart and fall completely into relapse. Yesterday was a bad day.. but I can learn from it. I can look and see what set me off and why I had such a hard time and then learn from that. I know that I can turn things around today. I am determined.... I had my coffee and some trail mix for breakfast, and I'll admit I'm still hungry. All I want to do is go through the cafeteria line and binge, but I can't do that. I ate what I needed.... I will have my snack in a couple hours, and then I will have lunch. Then I will get weighed and it won't matter because I am not defined by a number. That number is not my worth. It doesn't tell anyone that I'm a nice person, or that I'm a good friend, or that I'm a hard worker. It's just my gravitational pull toward the earth. That's it. Nothing else.

I have a big school project that I need to work on, but it's pretty triggering. Looking at my life, analyzing how I was socialized... makes me pretty sad. But I will do well on this project and provide insight.  Hope you all have a lovely day.

Rest day

Today is a day of rest!! I don't have to be anywhere except to meet up with some friends later, and that means I get to stay in my pajamas and do nothing all morning... and I am SO happy about that. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to be. No need to get dressed...just resting. I find that I'm already worrying about school tomorrow, but I am trying to stay in the present. Just for today I can rest. I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow.

This morning I am going to make blueberry pancakes :) mmmm I could make them from scratch o I could use the pancake mix... I'll decide in a little while. For now I am drinking my coffee and waiting for staff to come by to supervise medications.

I'm really worried about this school project that I have... It's an autobiography and then an analysis of how I was socialized as a child. The truth is, I wasn't really socialized as a child. Gonna be a hard project. I want to do well and I will work hard, just when I am more grounded.

Have a lovely day!

Therapy and progress

It was a hectic morning. Just one of those days. Last night we blew a circuit so our air conditioner, fans, and refrigerator all went off. All my housemates and I were worried about the food, so all of us were stressed out. Our house manager came this morning and figured everything out so we are ok now. I had work development group, talked about school and my volunteer job, and then therapy. I was dreading therapy this morning. I was afraid that I'd be in trouble with my therapist... that she'd be disappointed and yell at me. But she didn't yell. In fact it was a really good session. We talked about my past, how I had to be sneaky in order to survive when I was a child, and why I am still sneaky now. She said she is glad that I am being honest, and the reflection process that I did was good. I am so relieved! I expected to be admonished and punished and that did not happen at all.

Recovery is hard. Every day I have to make the decision to eat and keep my food down. I have to choose every day, every hour, every minute to do the right thing. It gets tiring. But I'm doing it. I haven't purged in over two weeks... maybe even three weeks, and I'll say I'm quite proud. I was purging several times a day, pretty much everything I ate. And now I hardly have the urge to purge anymore. I eat and don't have to think twice about keeping it down, which is enormous progress. I feel healthy, I feel strong, I have energy... I am starting to even ENJOY some of my food, which is a huge deal! I never would have admitted to anyone a few months ago that I actually enjoyed food, and here I am.

If you are reading, I beg you not to give up on yourself. Keep fighting. Keep eating.
You are amazing.

Breakfast and snack :)

I have gotten really creative with my meals that I prepare for myself. This morning for breakfast I had a nutella strawberry tortilla and it was so delicious. The nutella got warm and melty and the strawberries got really sweet... it was so good I could have had another one! Then for snack my  new favorite thing to eat is fiber cereal with applesauce. It makes the cereal sweet and refreshing.

I saw my therapist this morning and actually didn't cry! We talked about why I can't have a mirror yet.... my therapists are just very overprotective of me haha. They want me to do well and think that having a full length mirror could be triggering so they are keeping it for now. If I continue to show that I am doing well I will get the mirror back. For now I have to use the little bathroom mirror... oh well.

I have had quite a bit of coffee this morning but I still feel really tired... maybe I'll rest a while before I start up on all my chores... on the other hand maybe I'll just get them done now :)

Have a lovely day!

New day!

I am making a proclamation: today is a day of no calorie counting and no cutting corners!!! I am determined to make today an all recovery minded day. I can do it. I know I can.

I just tried overnight oats for the first time and it is DELICIOUS!!! It's creamy and cool and tastes really yummy. I'd definitely reccomend trying it. Literally just oats and milk and whatever other yummy things you want to add it. Mine has sun butter and cessions and it is really tasty. I'd say it's a must-try food.

This morning I have class and I'm at school now. And then later women's group (new group) and then family therapy. I think today is going to be a good day. I woke up on the right side of the bed. I am determined to have a 100% successful day!!! 

Have a lovely day :)

Good morning!

Good morning!! Today is going to be a good day. I am going to play with kitties for a couple hours, which always makes me happy. And then I am going to have lunch out with a friend and ride the bus to my new school! I have eaten out so many times!!  It's a good challenge for me.

I am nervous/excited about school. I love school I love learning. But I get really anxious around so many people and all the chaos. I know I can make it work, I just feel pretty anxious! I'm hoping that taking the bus today will ease some of my anxiety. I am just worried about missing my bus in the mornings! I've never taken public transportation before so it's all been new. 

Breakfast: English muffin with lots of butter and cinnamon and sugar, veggie sausage, and blueberries and a soy latte. 

What are you having for breakfast? 

Have a lovely day!!!

Good morning!

Good morning!

I was finally able to sleep past 4:00 which is really nice! I had only been getting about 5 hours of sleep per night and this morning I finally didn't wake up at the crack of dawn! 

Breakfast made me a little anxious this morning... I don't really know why. It was half a bagel with butter, eggs, veggie sausage, and grapes 

It tasted ok. I am going to Starbucks to get a soy misto so that should taste really good!

I don't know why I feel so anxious about food this morning. I woke up pretty hungry so I had my chia seed pudding but I feel guilty about it for some reason.. Like I don't deserve the extra snack in the morning. Sigh. I hate my mind sometimes. 

This morning I see my therapist and she always brings things up that are difficult. She makes me cry pretty much every time I see her. Which is ok because she's pushing me and I need that. I need to be pushed.

I'll write more later and add to my story as well. It's long I know, but it feels good to get my story out there. And if I can inspire anyone or make someone feel less alone I'm happy to do that!

Until later 

Breakfast and determination

Today I am feeling determined. 

I woke up in a bit of a funk, but I had my mini chia seed pudding and some coffee and now I feel good :)

I found myself about to open my calculator app to count my calories for today but I stopped myself.  I have more important things to do and more meaningful things to count in my life: I don't need to count calories. Because really where does it get me?? Nowhere!

I made a kind of a mocha this morning with sweetener and cocoa powder and soy milk and coffee and it tastes delicious. And it has healthy antioxidants! 

I see my therapist this morning and I always anxious to see her because she asks really hard questions. She is no nonsense and puts things in my face but that's a good thing. I need to be pushed. It's just hard sometimes hearing the blatant truth. I always get something out if our session though. 

Breakfast this morning is Toast with strawberry cream cheese, with eggs, veggie sausage, and banana and my mocha. Gotta start the day off healthy :) what are you having for breakfast?

It's a new day

Good morning! (Or good afternoon or good evening depending on where you are).

Today is a new day. Yesterday, although it started really well, didn't end as well as I would have liked. I felt I didn't deserve brownies or even my night snack so I drank an ensure plus, which I haven't done in a long time. I was relying heavily on ensures for meals and snacks several weeks ago, but the past few weeks I've had pretty much none! I've been eating real food and trying to enjoy it as much as possible. Life is WAY too short to just drink ensure :)

This morning I went for a lovely walk by the lake, listened to music, talked to my mom and sister.... I am feeling a little guilty though because my younger part texted my sister about the brownie. I really hope I didn't upset my sister I definitely wouldn't want that. I love my sister and don't want to make her uncomfortable. I try to be as normal as possible around food with her to set a good example. I will make sure this younger part knows clearer boundaries.

Breakfast this morning is bagels with almond butter and fruit, and then I have a busy day of groups. 

How are you spending your day?

Feeling proud

I really almost didn't make it through yesterday without behaviors... After dinner I was set on going to the store to purge/buy laxatives but a staff member (who is really kind) stopped me. She could tell I wasn't in a good place: I completely broke down, and then called my therapist and talked to her for quite a while. It helped. We made a list of all the good things that come with recovery. Sometimes after meals I get so sucked into negative thoughts that I forget how many good things I have to look forward to. All I feel is ugly and gross and it feels like recovery is the wrong choice for some reason. But then I step back and see that recovery is definitely the way to go. And apparently the staff at my program are impressed with the progress I've made :) I've been working so hard! It's nice to know people are noticing. I'm hoping soon I'll get out of residential housing and into independent living , and that I'll be able to get my pet rats, Drew and Annie. It will be nice to have some fuzzy friends to cuddle and take care of. Not the same as having my kitty, but still comforting and fun.

Today I woke up and took a shower, and in the morning I'm actually ok with my body! I'm not skinny like I was. I'm certainly filling out, but it's ok. I look healthy, and not overweight. It's taking some getting used to but I think if I wait it out long enough I can get used to this new body. I'm not frail and sick looking anymore... And I'll go ahead and say that's a good thing. Because really, who wants to look sick? 

Off to breakfast.... Have a beautiful day!

Breakfast time!

Yesterday was a success!!! No behaviors, ate 100% of my meal plan. And I felt ok! Hoping today is another success :) it's nice to wake up and not feel like I'm going to fall over. For that I'm grateful and know that recovery is the right thing!

Here's breakfast :)

New day

It's a new day.
New chance to make the right decisions. New start. New beginning.
So I'm starting off with a good healthy breakfast - bagel with peanut butter and banana. Then I have a doctor appointment.

It's been a rocky weekend but I'm determined to make today a good one. I get weighed today (no fun) but I'm hoping all is well and I can just move on with my week.
Happy Monday!

Ready for a new day!

So after last Night's slip up I was feeling a little discouraged. But today I feel good! Ready to take on the day. My mom brought me a bunch of my clothes from home so it's kind of like I have a bunch of new clothes to wear: I put on makeup this morning too... Trying to feel good about myself. I have such poor self image so I'm trying to do anything I can to boost my self esteem. My haircut is definitely helping.

Hope everyone has a beautiful day :)