Sweetener challenge

I wrote a couple weeks ago about doing an experiment to try and reduce my tolerance for sweetness, especially artificial sweeteners. And guess what…. IT WORKED! I am proud to say that I have reduced my sweetener in my coffee to 1 packet of stevia, and my tea I have either 1/2 of a stevia or no sweetener at all. And my drinks actually taste ok! I am so surprised and thrilled that my experiment worked. Now everything will taste better. Everything will be sweeter… I don't have to be inundated with sweetness to enjoy my coffee! Success!!

Today I have family session. My sister will be coming. It's been really nice, I've been chatting with my sister through text. We chat and talk small talk and it's been going well. I miss her. I wish we could see each other more often. I will get to spend Saturday with my family which I'm excited about, so that will be nice.

Off to group! Hope you're having a nice Wednesday :)

Happy Wednesday

Hello, and Happy Wednesday! Half way through the week! This morning I am going to school and then I get to pick my classes and sign up for next semester! Last time I signed up for classes it was really stressful because the internet was SOOOO slow and jam packed. So I'm hoping today will be better. I will be taking two classes in psychology and one child development course. I'm pretty excited for next semester.

It's a rainy, gloomy, ugly day. And my warm boots are still soaking wet from last night. I wish I had better rain-wear but I don't. I just have to suck it up haha. Hopefully I won't have to walk in pouring rain like I did last night.

Eating is going well. For breakfast I packed an egg sandwich, Greek yogurt with peaches, and coffee with soy milk. It's my favorite breakfast right now. I love egg whites. I know I should probably use the whole egg, but for now I feel comfortable with the whites. It's a good source of protein.. but I should probably get over my "fear" of real eggs. My coffee this morning is not satisfying as it has only one sweetener. But I am trying really hard to tame my tastebuds and get used to things that aren't as sweet. I am determined to follow through with this experiment!

Today is also family therapy. I am quite nervous. I wasn't in therapy last week so I don't know what my parents and sister talked about. I have a lot of work to do in there and sometimes all I want to do is shut down. I'm going to try to stay present and keep myself together. I'll update about family therapy later.

Have a lovely Wednesday!

Missed the bus

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed because I have two quizzes due this week.. one due Saturday the other one is due next Wednesday. I know I have plenty of time, and I know the quizzes are open book so it won't be too hard to do well, I just feel like it's a lot. I haven't had to do schoolwork in a very long time so getting used to homework is just an adjustment for me. I've always been a good student... I'm sure I'll pass and do ok. I just always strive for excellence. I hope I do well in these classes.

I'm such a goof ball... I got on the wrong bus today after class. I didn't realize that I had gotten on the express bus instead of the regular bus, so I ended up at the trolley station for thirty minutes waiting for my actual bus to come. I was so afraid I'd have to walk a few miles home! Luckily another bus was on the way. It's lame that the busses only come an hour apart from each other... I have to get to class an hour before class starts and I can't leave school until an hour after my class ends. I wish the busses came more often. Oh well.

I see my parents today for family therapy.. I don't know that I'm looking forward to family therapy. Our usual therapist just had a baby and is on maternity leave, so my really tough therapist is running our family meetings. Last week's session was really hard and I was left crying and sad. My parents didn't make me cry, the therapist did. Hah. She's the tough one. I know she's pushing me and making me feel things that I need to feel but it does not feel good. It feels awful. Even my dad said he thinks this therapist is scary!

I am going to make lunch in a few minutes and continue with my day.

Until later :)

Family therapy

Family therapy has left me raw- completely raw. My mother apologized for my childhood, tears in her eyes. She didn't protect me. She wasn't there for me. It's so hard to let her be sad, to let her take ownership for the bad things that happened to me as a child... But I have to let her feel. So hard.

I am experiencing some of the same feelings my mom is right now. I have, in some ways, neglected my parts. Left them out to deal with my negative emotions and difficult situations. Whenever I feel stressed and anxious or scared my parts try to come out and protect me. And up until now I've let them do that. I've let Polly come out and deal with confrontations and even left her out for over a week in the psych ward after my suicide attempt. I've blamed my parts for negative things I've done... I've left them out to deal with situations that are beyond their years. No seven year old should be in an adult psych ward. I feel awful.

But that's changing now. Today in family therapy I felt myself slipping away. I felt like I was fading and someone else was going to come out but I sat and breathed and put my feet on the floor and stayed grounded. I stayed present and dealt with really really hard emotions. I didn't want to stay. I wanted to run out of the room and cry. I teared up; but I stayed in the room. I told my parents what I was thinking, even though I was ashamed of my thoughts. I was honest and real and that's how things are going to get better - If I'm real. I have to be real to get this work with my family done. It's a long, hard process repairing a broken family but I believe it will be worth it. I'm still going to see my mom for lunch on Saturday so we are not letting our work in therapy get in the way of having a good time together. 

I'm feeling really raw and overwhelmed. And being at my house right now is really stressful... I'm not getting along with one of my housemates. She scares me and I don't like being around her :( being home sucks. I'm just going to listen to my music and breathe and maybe go for a walk.

Going to post some inspiration now :)

Family and honesty

I'm learning how to be honest and how to speak my truth. It's hard. I'm the kind of person who takes into account everyone's feelings and emotions and facial expressions and body language and takes it to heart. Well I'm changing. For the first time in my life I am speaking my truth, especially to my parents, and feeling ok with the raw honesty. My parents hurt me badly growing up and I've always been too afraid to tell them the extent of which they hurt me. But things are different now.

You know what? I haven't been mean or rude. I haven't been disrespectful. I've been honest, and sometimes honesty is Hard but it's important to be honest. Honesty really does set you free. 

Today I got angry at things that have happened to my family. We were steered in the wrong direction by a clinician who was tyrannical and unstable, and it caused my family to fall apart. My parents never beat or hit me, they fed me and provided shelter. But their words hurt me more than they can understand. They were damaging to my sensitive psyche and I crumbled with their words and loud voices. Now I am speaking my truth. Their words hurt me and I can talk about it and not worry about repercussions. My feelings matter. My voice matters. I matter. It's a foreign, difficult, scary, and amazing concept to grasp.

I feel ugly today and I think it's a reflection of how I feel about myself as a person overall. I've been distant and short and impatient with my housemates and apologized for that today. I am just so desperate to move to independent housing that I've been short and that's uncalled for. I've asked anyone who hears or sees me being less than kind to point it out. I hate being a flawed human being. I hate being irrational and hurting other people. At the same time though I am setting boundaries for myself and protecting the body I have never protected. I'm learning so much about myself... It's a trying process. But I believe this will be worth it in the end.

Going to take it easy tonight. Maybe treat myself to a frozen yogurt. I think I will do just that! I deserve it :) all this therapy is exhausting!

Family therapy

Last week in family therapy I agreed that I would talk about my eating disorder this week. I thought a little bit about this week about what I was willing to share..... today I spilled everything. Just stared at the floor and talked. Told about my eating when I was just a tiny kid - 4 years old - and how that anxiety around food developed into a full blown eating disorder. I talked about the beginnings of the anorexia, and when the bulimia started. I talked about my diet pill overdose and the laxative abuse. I talked about lonely hospital stays, tubes, IVs, relapses, everything. And it was terrifying. I talked about Maudsley, and touched on how hard it was and how much if affected me, and my whole system.

And my parents - mostly my mom - responded. They agreed things were bad. They wish they could go back and change things, so that I didn't get sick. They wish we had gone back and done real family therapy instead of Maudsley... and they finally said words I've been waiting to hear for almost ten years... that all the chaos and horrible interactions in the house weren't my fault. I have felt for so many years that I ruined the family.... that it was ME who was the problem and not the family, and they said that it was a family problem. That we all needed help, we all needed to change, and the focus went to me.

But it was hard hearing responses from my parents... I saw the pain in their eyes and wanted to comfort them and tell them it's ok. But the thing is, it's not ok. What happened to me and the way my family approached my eating disorder just was not ok. It was abusive and harsh and not at all loving. The Maudsley approach is supposed to unite the family in a healing process... for us Maudsely tore a broken family even further apart.

And I am feeling angry. I have a lot of anger toward the professionals who steered our family in that direction. The doctor who decided that family based treatment was a good idea without even looking at the already hard family dynamics. The therapists who refused to listen to me when I begged and pleaded for a meal plan of my own. And anger toward my parents for feeding me hate.... for slamming me into walls, screaming, pulling knives, locking me in my room and out of the bathroom, refusing to let me be with friends, taking everything good out of my life. And for blaming my sister's anxiety on me. They told me that my sister's problems were MY fault. My parents didn't think to look at their own behavior, how maybe their younger daughter was suffering the same way their older daughter did because they were not creating a safe, loving environment. I moved out of the house at 16 believing, truly, that I was ruining my sister's life and that everyone would be better off without me in their lives.

So many emotions.
I want to cut, I want to scream, I want to purge... but I won't do those things. My parents want to make things up to me. I am angry, and that's ok, I have the right to be angry. Things CAN get better from here, and I am not done venting my feelings and frustrations and pain to them. They are in a safer place now, they can take care of their own emotions and handle my truth. Truth that needs to get out for my sanity and recovery.

I took a big leap of faith today. And I think it is the first of many leaps. I haven't even touched on the physical and sexual abuse yet. That will be even harder, I think, than my eating disorder story. I have so much inside me that is finally coming out, and I guess that's a good thing.
Maybe I'll write a book some day, who knows.

Anyway, I came home and had dinner and I am going to treat myself to a big, delicious frozen yogurt with banana and almonds tonight. I deserve it.
Therapy tomorrow, I will process everything. Oh therapy, I'm inundated!!!
Til later...

Family therapy

Just came out of my first family session at Hanbleceya (the treatment center I'm at). The therapists are kind and supportive. The environment is safe. But I feel as though I might fall apart. I want to cry... cut...scream...yell... so many emotions.

My childhood was hard. 

I won't go into details. 

I have so much shame, so much guilt. I wish I had fought for myself when I was a child, I wish I hadn't been so sensitive, I wish I'd talked back. I wish I'd spoken up. 

But I didn't. 

My parents are apologizing for their part... Not protecting me as a little girl. They are sorry. They are genuinely sorry... and I don't know what to say. They are apologizing and I feel the apologize back, to tell them it's ok, to make them feel better... they are clearly in so much pain. Both said that they wish, every day, they had done things differently. 

I wish things had been different, too.

Feeling very solemn, sad, contemplative, scared... 

But I can finally share my story and be heard. Finally I won't have to live with the secrets. Finally I have a chance to not be all alone. 

We won't be alone. We will be heard, maybe?