I CHOOSE to be healthy

Eating feels wrong… but it is the RIGHT thing to do. Eating is GOOD. Eating is healthy. Eating makes you strong and happy and functioning. It is not bad to eat. It is good to eat. It is important to eat. So why does eating feel so damn counter intuitive? My brain is flip flopped, telling me that I shouldn't eat, that I should disappear. Well you know what? Screw my brain! I'm eating and I am taking care of myself. That is what I need to do. I can be healthy. I CHOOSE to be healthy.

There are so many reasons to recover from an eating disorder. It is a miserable way to live. Truly, living with an eating disorder is miserable! Constantly thinking about food, counting calories, spending so much time in the bathroom, making yourself sick with laxatives and diuretics and diet pills.. I've done it all. And I've been so unhappy. You'd think that recovery would make me happy right? Why does it feel so wrong???

It feels wrong but it's NOT wrong. I want to be healthy. I want to have a family and children. I want to be free of the tormenting in my mind. I want to be genuinely happy. I don't want to just exist, I want to thrive and live, and that won't happen with my eating disorder in the way. So I choose to be healthy. I CHOOSE to be healthy.

Today I am on the right track. Breakfast was cinnamon raisin toast with honey nut cream cheese, raspberries, and an egg white omelette, and coffee with almond milk. Snack was cereal with berries and almond milk. I've kept it all down, and I'm uncomfortable, but it is OK to be uncomfortable. Recovery means being uncomfortable. To be out of your comfort zone, REALLY out of your comfort zone. Because the longer you are uncomfortable the easier things will get. Must FIGHT through the uncomfortable feelings and get to the other side. I am trying to get to the other side. Lunch will be a rice noodle bowl with tofu and peas. I'm actually looking forward to it! It's a little spicy and salty and warm… mmmm. I will have lunch soon.

I am fighting hard. Harder than ever. I can do this. I can get to the other side. The land of recovery where I can be healthy and happy, and maybe even be ok with my body. I will get there. I am determined. I can totally do this.

Never give up!