I will never be satisfied

There's this subject of weight. It's a big topic in society these days... How much do you weight? What's your bmi? Do you count calories? What diet are you on? It's nonsense. Obsession. And I actively participate in the insanity.

I don't think I will ever be happy with my weight. I have weighed much more than I do now, and I have weighed much much less. The thing is whether I weighed xx lbs or xxx lbs I was NOT happy. At xx I was desperately thin and painful and fragile looking. I was miserable and weak and had to wear little girl clothing. At xxx I had energy. I wore bigger clothes. I was NOT happy. It doesn't matter what I weigh. In a range of 60 lbs I am never happy.

So I have to look at other pieces of the puzzle. At xx lbs I have achieved the sad little girl look that feels safer to me than being a woman. But I'm tired all the time, I'm sore, I can't walk anywhere, I'm exhausted and drained and very very emotional. Does that sound like a way to live?? NO. It's not. It's miserable.

At xxx lbs I'm a bit on the "plush" side. Bigger clothes, rounder face. I'm miserable. But I feel stronger and have energy. I can walk and run and standup without fainting. 

So where's the balance? Somewhere in between. Today I feel ok about my body. It's somewhere in between. It's a middle ground. I know my dietician will want me to gain some as I've lost weight since being sick. Middle ground.

I will never be happy. I will have to merely accept a healthy body. Work and work and work at acceptance. It's all one can do.

Today I am grateful that even though I've put my body through hell it still functions. Working on acceptance.