I matter

Today has been hard, and successful. But overall successful. I had therapy this morning and I was an absolute pill. Really negative. I didn't want to hear any positive feedback, I wasn't in the place to get any kind of feedback. All I could think was "I am turning into nothing" Abbi is going away and Alison is going away and Rosie is there and I'm here, but what if we all go away? I don't want to die… but I also don't really want to exist. There's a difference. Right now I'm existing. I'm not fully living. I want to LIVE and THRIVE and be happy and joyful and feel that there is meaning to my life. I don't want to spend my days crying because I want to be dead. I want to feel alive.

I gave my therapist a really hard time. Wouldn't accept any of her help, wouldn't allow myself to hear the positive feedback she was giving me. I really distorted things in family therapy yesterday. What was said - they are not angry, they are proud I reached out for help and did what I needed to take care of myself. What I heard - you are a fuck up. That is how I feel. I am a fuck up. A failure. A loser.

But I CAN'T keep telling myself all this negative talk. I am just bringing myself down, lowering myself into a hole that is getting deeper and deeper that eventually I won't be able to climb out of. It is time to start being nicer to myself. To allow myself to hear the positives. To acknowledge that I am loved and cared for. Because I do make a difference in peoples lives. I matter. I don't believe that statement right now… but maybe if I repeat it enough I will start to believe it. I matter.

You matter. Don't ever think otherwise.
Trying to hold it together.