So I'm drinking ensure #2 of the day because dinner, which started with all good intentions, did not end well. I'm really disappointed in myself. But the sad thing is that I feel better. I feel relief. I feel in control. But it's all false. The eating disorder is teasing and taunting me, telling me it's the way to live. But having an eating disorder is NO way to live. It's not living. It's suffering.
Today I choose life. And that may mean drinking ensure. But it's ok. Tomorrow is a new chance to start fresh and be successful. I can do this. I have to get weighed tomorrow morning and I'm embarrassed and ashamed about the weight I've gained. But my dietician won't judge me. She isn't going to think less of me as a person because I gained a few pounds. She will be proud. I am getting healthy again.
It's an uphill battle. A constant struggle. Poor decisions. Good decisions. Decisions. So I sit here with my ensure. I will win this war.
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