Miserable

 I feel miserable. I feel SO INCREDIBLY UGLY. I am appalled at myself. I am disgusted. Looking down at my body I want to melt down and sob, cry, throw a fit. I am SO ugly. I am HUGE. I am revolting. I am a failure. I really REALLY hope that this bloating goes down soon. I am freaking out.

Thanksgiving was hard. I had to leave and take my PRN anxiety medication to calm down, as I was shaking and crying. Then the meal… I pretty much ate salad and melon. Had a tiny bit of stuffing and a tiny scoop of sweet potato, but other than that I was too afraid to eat anything. The cranberry sauce was really yummy. I filled up on veggie though and did not meet my nutrition requirements for lunch. So now I am drinking an ensure.

I HATE MY BODY. D: Sad, sad, sad, sad face. I am so unhappy. If this bloating doesn't go down I am afraid I will fall back into old behaviors. But I CAN'T go back. I CANNOT go backwards!!! I have three days purge free. I''m bloated as ever, I'm disgusting. But I'm doing the right thing. It feels SO wrong. But I am fighting.

I really hope this feeling will go away. If I keep eating that my body will adjust and stop bloating so much. My stomach and legs are all puffy. I need to keep fighting though.

When will this madness end??? I am in a turmoil. I'm panicking. I'm ashamed.
So frustrating.

Feeling motivated

I am feeling motivated today. I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel excited for the future. I haven't felt like this in a long time, and it's AMAZING! I've been so sad and down on myself. I've told myself I'm horrible, that I'm a worthless loser, that I'm unloved. But you know what? Saying those things to yourself only make you unhappy. How is telling yourself you're a loser going to make you feel better?? IT'S NOT!! It's only going to make you feel crappy. And that's how I've felt the past few weeks. Awful about myself. But today I am switching things up.

Today I choose to be POSITIVE. I am strong. I am worthy. I am not a loser, I am a fighter, and I have so many good things to look forward to. Thanksgiving won't be with my family, but I will have thanksgiving with my program and it will be nice. I won't be seeing the play I wanted to see tonight but I will have some girls over for a movie night. I am going to New Orleans in less than a month to see my grandma, my best friend, and my KITTY!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!! And in order to travel I have to be healthy, so that's what I'm doing. I'm being healthy.

Sometimes I feel silly. I'm proud of myself because I'm eating… isn't everyone supposed to eat?? Yes everyone is supposed to eat. But for me it's harder. Eating is a challenge. And when I eat, it is a victory. It seems silly I know to others who don't struggling with an eating disorder, but every day free of eating disorder behaviors is a success. Yesterday, for me, was a HUGE success. I ate everything I needed to without purging. I even had two ensures to make sure I didn't binge and that I had in enough nutrition. I feel proud of myself for yesterday, and so far today I am doing well. Small victories, that may seem trivial, but they're not. They are a big success.

So be proud of yourself. Every meal, every snack is a victory. Every time you fight against your eating disorder voice you are becoming that much stronger. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are determined. You are wonderful. Never EVER give up on yourself. Keep fighting and fighting and even when you feel like you want to give up, keep going because it's worth it. Recovery is worth it.

I matter

Today has been hard, and successful. But overall successful. I had therapy this morning and I was an absolute pill. Really negative. I didn't want to hear any positive feedback, I wasn't in the place to get any kind of feedback. All I could think was "I am turning into nothing" Abbi is going away and Alison is going away and Rosie is there and I'm here, but what if we all go away? I don't want to die… but I also don't really want to exist. There's a difference. Right now I'm existing. I'm not fully living. I want to LIVE and THRIVE and be happy and joyful and feel that there is meaning to my life. I don't want to spend my days crying because I want to be dead. I want to feel alive.

I gave my therapist a really hard time. Wouldn't accept any of her help, wouldn't allow myself to hear the positive feedback she was giving me. I really distorted things in family therapy yesterday. What was said - they are not angry, they are proud I reached out for help and did what I needed to take care of myself. What I heard - you are a fuck up. That is how I feel. I am a fuck up. A failure. A loser.

But I CAN'T keep telling myself all this negative talk. I am just bringing myself down, lowering myself into a hole that is getting deeper and deeper that eventually I won't be able to climb out of. It is time to start being nicer to myself. To allow myself to hear the positives. To acknowledge that I am loved and cared for. Because I do make a difference in peoples lives. I matter. I don't believe that statement right now… but maybe if I repeat it enough I will start to believe it. I matter.

You matter. Don't ever think otherwise.
Trying to hold it together.

Feeling like a horrible person

I had family session this afternoon. And it was hard. Really hard. We talked about me being in the hospital, what that means for the family, how it affects everyone. And it wasn't pretty. At least not in my eyes. In reality, my parents were proud that I reached out for help and glad I am ok. Somehow I heard that as disappointment. My brain is fumbled. And I'm afraid that my therapists are also disappointed in me although they have said nothing to that effect. So I'm confused. I feel like a rotten awful terrible horrible person. I'm trying so hard but failing. I'm trying to be a better person. I wish I was a Better person.

Food today was alright. I'll admit on the light side. Made toast and egg whites again for lunch, cereal and an apple for snack, and then chicken and broccoli for dinner: I couldn't bring myself to eat the pasta. Foods are scaring me left and right and I'm not quite sure what to do other than face them head on and deal with the fears and uncomfortability. I  have to face them at some point. Can't be afraid of food forever.

I will have a night snack and move on with my evening. Toast with peanut butter and banana, and I think I'll make some hot coco. 

Still feeling like a horrible person. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. 

For now I'd like to crawl into a hole and not come out.

I will never be satisfied

There's this subject of weight. It's a big topic in society these days... How much do you weight? What's your bmi? Do you count calories? What diet are you on? It's nonsense. Obsession. And I actively participate in the insanity.

I don't think I will ever be happy with my weight. I have weighed much more than I do now, and I have weighed much much less. The thing is whether I weighed xx lbs or xxx lbs I was NOT happy. At xx I was desperately thin and painful and fragile looking. I was miserable and weak and had to wear little girl clothing. At xxx I had energy. I wore bigger clothes. I was NOT happy. It doesn't matter what I weigh. In a range of 60 lbs I am never happy.

So I have to look at other pieces of the puzzle. At xx lbs I have achieved the sad little girl look that feels safer to me than being a woman. But I'm tired all the time, I'm sore, I can't walk anywhere, I'm exhausted and drained and very very emotional. Does that sound like a way to live?? NO. It's not. It's miserable.

At xxx lbs I'm a bit on the "plush" side. Bigger clothes, rounder face. I'm miserable. But I feel stronger and have energy. I can walk and run and standup without fainting. 

So where's the balance? Somewhere in between. Today I feel ok about my body. It's somewhere in between. It's a middle ground. I know my dietician will want me to gain some as I've lost weight since being sick. Middle ground.

I will never be happy. I will have to merely accept a healthy body. Work and work and work at acceptance. It's all one can do.

Today I am grateful that even though I've put my body through hell it still functions. Working on acceptance.

Diary entry

11/18/14

Gail:

Everything is so confusing. I feel out of place. So confused. Why am I broken? Why do I have to have a jumbled up mind? 

AM I CRAZY?

I am smart. I am not crazy. I am unique. I am cared about. I am not alone but I feel sooooooo small. So little and at times helpless. But we are not hopeless. We are fighters. We are done being treated like a crazy person. I am me. We are us.

I am backwards. I am loopy. I am us. I know we can get healthy again. We are eating: we are drinking. We are trying so damn hard. One day at a time. One meal at a time.

I am not crazy. We are Abbi. We are big. We are little. We are complicated.

But we are ok. We are going to be ok. End of story.

Today has been hard

Today has been a hard day. Petco interaction with the ladies I was working with.... the mirror issue... so many stupid little things that have really gotten to me. I want a mirror!! I want to be able to see how my clothes look! I don't want to hang around people who starve themselves and pass out and binge and purge. I want normalcy. I want to feel like a normal adult. Sometimes I do, and I'll say the independence I have now feels MUCH better than I felt last week. But I still have staff constantly bugging me. I still have lots of supervision. And the ridiculous thing is even the staff I'm with is triggering. Tonight we went out to dinner and the staff I was with was telling another woman how thin she looks, and then as she was eating her dinner said "I hate eating." Does she KNOW I struggle with an eating disorder?? People are so ignorant!!

Trying to look at the positives. I haven't had eating disorder behaviors in a week. I am eating well, by myself, without anyone making me. I am working at Petco, going to school three days a week. There are a LOT of good things going for me. I'm on my way to freedom and independence. Silly mirrors aren't going to hold me back. I'll just have to use the bathroom mirror. I still don't understand why I can't have a mirror, but I'll suck it up. I'll deal with it.

Tomorrow I am going to play with kitties (different people to work with tomorrow) and then I'm going to Build a Bear with my sister. She's wanted to go for months and it is finally happening. I think it's so sweet. Looking forward to that for sure. For now I'm drinking a sweet, yummy decaf coffee and I will have snack and go to sleep early.

Good night

Calorie counting

I started off today determined not to count calories. I made it through breakfast, snack, lunch, and snack before calculating, sure that my numbers were sky high. I was surprised to realize that my calories for the day are pretty low. I'm kind of disappointed and confused because I followed my meal exchanges and what was on my meal plan. I'm subconsciously undercutting what I need for my meals: and it's really frustrating. 

I know how much I've eaten, and I guess I'll keep counting. I'll try to bulk up dinner (I'm cooking a frittata and roasted sweet potatoes). I will eat substantial portions and also have my full night snack and I should be ok.

I'm looking at my meal plan to see where I went wrong and I am seeing how I undercut without even thinking. At breakfast I poured only half a cup of soy milk in my coffee instead of a cup. I had only 3/4 cup of yogurt and 1/2 a muffin instead of a whole. My sandwich at lunch did not have any fats and I missed a starch. Snack I only had an iced coffee with some soy milk and part of a mini scone. I need to face the fact I've gotten used to undercutting. And I need to he more aware of what I'm eating and how I'm serving my portions. I need full cups of milk: full portions of yogurt... I need to add the fats to my meal plan and not just pretend they are already in my food. I need more. I need to reach my goal weight so I can lower my meal plan and feel more normal with my eating. Right now I just feel like I'm eating so much... When really I'm not. I am eating enough to maintain my weight but not reach my goal. I need to step up my game.

I keep saying I will do better and I feel as though I'm failing. But I'm learning and I'm fighting. I will get there. I will.

What happened wasn't my fault

Today I went into family therapy ready to apologize for many things in my past... The way I behaved, how I hurt the family. I was ready to share those regrets. But I was stopped in my tracks. My therapist and my parents said that what happened was NOT my fault. That I was under the influence and control of horrible people and I was a child and didn't know better. This is hard for me to grasp... Not my fault? I've felt the guilt and shame for so long and now I am hearing that it wasn't me. It was the people controlling me. And I don't know what to think.

When we did Maudsley family therapy I cried and yelled and threw fits. I left my parents home and refused to speak to them: I tore the family apart. I did many horrible things.... But what I'm trying to accept is that I was a child under the influence of some pretty horrible people. I was a child. Children need help to make the right decisions. I didn't have any help.

I know I need to forgive myself, there is an enormous weight on my shoulders. I feel dirty and ruined, broken, irreparable. I have little patience for myself when I do make mistakes. I feel like a failure most of the time. It's hard feeling this way.

I need to forgive myself. But I don't know how. All I can say to comfort myself right now is that I was a child, and I would never out this kind of pressure on a child I knew. My parents have to take ownership of the fact that they didn't protect me. I want to save them, but I can't. Need to move forward.

Sorry for rambling. Just a lot on my mind.

Saying all the wrong things

It occurs to me that I need to start watching what I'm saying. It seems that over the past few days, I have said ALL the wrong things. My therapist brought some of them up to me in therapy, and I felt pretty embarrassed. First, I made a passing comment about two staff members having a "romantic connection." It's a male and female, and they are constantly chatting and flirting and texting, and I just made a joke that they liked each other. I meant it 100% to be a joke! And my housemate took it seriously and brought it up to her therapist. Ugh. I feel so stupid.

The other day one of my housemates graduated from residential housing into independent living, and I made him brownies to celebrate. In passing, my part Polly came out, and said "I don't want to celebrate because I should be moving into housing." I believe Polly said this, but I did not say anything mean to the housemate, I was very kind and excited for him! I expressed how happy and proud I was... I'm not mean like that, I'm really not.

I eat fiber one every day, because the fiber is good for my stomach and I think it tastes good. Well one of the staff members at my house, who is very picky with food, said she was "embarrassed to buy my cereal." She thinks it's old person cereal and is ashamed to arrive with it at the cash register. She says she only eats froot loops, lucky charms, and rice krispies. I brought up, in a joking way, to another staff that she had made the comment about being embarrassed about buying my cereal. This staff member, who I really like and have a good relationship with (we joke around all the time) got into trouble with the house manager :( I feel terrible. I meant to make a joke!! NOT get her in trouble. She confronted me and said we are ok, but I still feel bad.

This morning in the car ride to Petco, I said that we don't get to go out to dinner tonight because the staff member who went shopping "doesn't know how to budget." I meant it as a joke, but the staff member I was with said it was uncalled for. :( I feel horrible! I feel like I should just shut up and say nothing!!!! It seems that EVERYTHING I say is wrong and taken in a bad way, and I feel awful about it. It makes me want to shut down, be quiet again, not defend myself.... just be submissive. I've been that way my whole life, which is why now that I am speaking up, I am uncomfortable with the way my words are being interpreted. Maybe people take me seriously because I've been quiet for so long?? I just don't know.

Don't know what to do... should I shut up and stop talking so much? Should I be ok with peoples' responses to my jokes?
How would YOU handle this? Anyone? I feel so confused.

Family and honesty

I'm learning how to be honest and how to speak my truth. It's hard. I'm the kind of person who takes into account everyone's feelings and emotions and facial expressions and body language and takes it to heart. Well I'm changing. For the first time in my life I am speaking my truth, especially to my parents, and feeling ok with the raw honesty. My parents hurt me badly growing up and I've always been too afraid to tell them the extent of which they hurt me. But things are different now.

You know what? I haven't been mean or rude. I haven't been disrespectful. I've been honest, and sometimes honesty is Hard but it's important to be honest. Honesty really does set you free. 

Today I got angry at things that have happened to my family. We were steered in the wrong direction by a clinician who was tyrannical and unstable, and it caused my family to fall apart. My parents never beat or hit me, they fed me and provided shelter. But their words hurt me more than they can understand. They were damaging to my sensitive psyche and I crumbled with their words and loud voices. Now I am speaking my truth. Their words hurt me and I can talk about it and not worry about repercussions. My feelings matter. My voice matters. I matter. It's a foreign, difficult, scary, and amazing concept to grasp.

I feel ugly today and I think it's a reflection of how I feel about myself as a person overall. I've been distant and short and impatient with my housemates and apologized for that today. I am just so desperate to move to independent housing that I've been short and that's uncalled for. I've asked anyone who hears or sees me being less than kind to point it out. I hate being a flawed human being. I hate being irrational and hurting other people. At the same time though I am setting boundaries for myself and protecting the body I have never protected. I'm learning so much about myself... It's a trying process. But I believe this will be worth it in the end.

Going to take it easy tonight. Maybe treat myself to a frozen yogurt. I think I will do just that! I deserve it :) all this therapy is exhausting!

Not sure what to write

I'm not sure what to write. I kind of just want to ramble. 

Today has been up and down. It started with work development group, which I have every week, and discussed the work I did this week. I did 4 hours working with the kitties at Petco, and the other hour researching which classes I wanted to sign up for. Tomorrow I sign up for classes! And I am so excited!! Finally going back to school after a really long two years of being sick. Every semester I've signed up for classes and every semester I've ended up in the hospital. NOT this time. I am signing up for classes and I am going to actually TAKE these classes. I am taking two child development classes. I am excited because this year I volunteered at our temple preschool, and I was told by the director that if I got my child development credits, I could be hired as a teacher! It would be great to have a solid job while I continue my schooling. I will be applying to a 4 year university this fall hoping that I can start the following year in their social work school. I want to be a social worker, and this university is not top of the line, but it has a good social work program. I am excited for my future for the first time in a really long time! It makes me sad that just a few months ago I was so down and depressed that I tried to end my life, and even sadder that I almost succeeded. My suicide attempt was really scary. I never want to get back to that place where I am so low that I don't want to live anymore. I want to live, I want to thrive. 

I also had individual therapy today. As I said earlier, therapy was tough. It makes me question myself, look at myself in ways that I haven't before. I have a lot of work to do. But I have support and people who care about me, and I can do this. I can learn about myself and all my parts, and become a productive adult. I don't have to be sick forever. I am NOT going to be sick forever. I am going to be a picture of health, a true survivor. I don't know if I believe that I can be cured, but I think I can learn to manage my life better. 

A little about my parts:

I don't talk much about my parts on here, but they are a big part of my life and affect my day to day life. Polly, who is seven years old, is struggling with my new recovery body. She feels uncomfortable in a woman's body, and I don't blame her... because I also really struggle with having a woman's body. It's a big issue for us. We have a history of trauma and through experiences we have learned that having a woman's body is unsafe so we are trying to challenge those thoughts. My eight year old part, Bee, is still, sadly, suicidal. The other night she banged our head against the floor so hard that it left a bruise. She is struggling with the healthy body as well, and it's sad because she doesn't always want to live. It breaks my heart that I can't seem to comfort her, I just don't know what makes her feel better. I want Bee to feel safe and happy and loved, and I can't seem to make her feel those things. Alison, my 14 year old part, is also struggling with our healthy body, but I haven't heard much from her lately. I think she has stepped back because she knows she doesn't make the healthiest choices for the body. She has grown up a lot and I give her major credit for doing so well the past few weeks. My other parts have been pretty quiet. But they are always there with me. I am never alone. It's a blessing and also difficult at times. It's so much easier to think of my life as an "I" but I am not an "I" I am an "us." My parts matter. All of them. And I love them and care about them. I may not have treated them the way I should have these past few years, but I am changing that. I am giving them the care they deserve. 

Tomorrow morning I am having breakfast with my dietician at Panera Bread, and I looked up the menu.. and I'll admit I saw the calorie counts while I was looking. But I am not ordering based on the calorie counts. I will be getting a breakfast sandwich with egg white, spinach, cheese, and avocado, and a fruit salad because there is no fruit in my house right now (we are going shopping tomorrow). I think I will bring my own coffee because I don't have enough money to buy a sandwich, fruit, and a coffee. And my coffee is delicious anyway. Why not save some money?

I also see my parents tomorrow for family session. That is always intense. Hopefully we will all find healing out of this therapy process. 

Snack tonight: Oatmeal made with soy milk, and dried cranberries (since there's no other fruit). Not much fun, but that's ok. Tomorrow there will be more food to choose from for snack. 

Thanks for letting me ramble and process my thoughts. 

Have a lovely night. 

Overreaction

Last night, after I was confronted about making an inappropriate comment, I completely fell apart. I sobbed, banged my head, paces, trying to soothe myself but unable to do so. And now that it is morning and I am looking back at the situation, I blew it WAY out of proportion. What I said was a joke, said in passing, and yet when i was confronted my automatic thought was "I am a horrible person."
Well you know what? I'm not a horrible person. I said something that hurt someone's feelings. People say things to me that hurt my feeling all the time! And do I forgive them? YES. I don't hold grudges. Maybe I will explain that what was said hurt my feelings but I don't hate that person, or never want to talk to them again. So I overreacted. And I feel silly. Now my eyes are swollen and puffy from crying and my head hurts. Silly me.

Today I see my dietician. I get weighed (boo) but I feel ok with it. I am ok with how my body looks right now, and if I'm at my healthy weight then that's great!! I am at my goal weight, and I'm ok with it! This has NEVER happened!! I think it's cause to celebrate. Today I also get to play with kittens, which is lots of fun, and then go out to dinner at a diner. I don't know what's on the menu, so I will decide what I'm eating when I see the menu. Eek!! That's scary, but I can make it work.

How are you today? Do you have any rousing plans??

Feeling like a failure

After dinner tonight I was still hungry... so I had an extra salad, and a square of chocolate, and I was STILL hungry. Gah. So I went to the store and ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. Nothing I've eaten the second half of the day has stayed down :( Feeling like an utter failure.
Why am I having this problem? I was doing so well.

I think I know.

I lowered my calorie intake significantly, probably by at least 800 calories a day. Maybe this is my body saying I NEED those extra calories? It feels like a lot, I was eating about 2800-3000 calories and now I am at 1900-2200. Maybe it's not enough. Perhaps tomorrow I won't cut so many corners. Cutting corners is getting me in big trouble.

I want to come clean to my treatment team, but I don't want to seem like I've taken a step backwards. I am STILL moving forward, slowly but surely. These are just bumps in the road. Things have been chaotic. I am responding to that in unhealthy ways.

So I will have my full snack tonight, maybe add something, and then start again tomorrow. Every day is a chance to start over, a new beginning. Tomorrow I will do better.

Trying not to be too hard on myself... this is a process. A difficult process! I can do this.

Never stop fighting.

Rambling

Being in a therapeutic community means that there is drama, and at times chaos, which I DO NOT like at all. Last night one of my housemates got angry and started throwing things, and was being very scary. It made me pretty nervous.

I had lunch with my parents at a Jewish deli. The food was alright, not great. I had matzah ball soup :) The matzah ball was good, but I didn't like the rest of it too much. Oh well.
I feel as though I under ate, however, and when I got home I was really hungry. So I had my snack (frozen yogurt) and then some carrots. But I felt guilty afterward, which is silly because they are carrots. Really silly to freak out over carrots.

Tonight for dinner we are having chicken, but it's coated in bread crumbs and silly me, that scares me. It's making my stomach do flip flops. But its baked not fried, and it's really just a little bread and a piece of chicken, which both of those things I am ok with. My brain just doesn't make sense sometimes. I wanted to ask for a piece of chicken without breading, but I need to be flexible and eat what other people are eating. I need to less strict about my eating because sometimes it just gets weird. Some day I want to eat like a normal human being and not measure all my food so obsessively. I FREAK out when I can't measure my food, which is why restaurants are so challenging. I don't know how much I am having. I guess it's a control thing. I am hoping once I've been stable for a little bit longer I will wean myself off measuring, and eventually off meal planning completely! I want to be able to listen to my body and eat what I need. I can't ever see it happening right now :( But maybe in the future it will. Who knows? I've made a lot of progress already, I can't imagine I'll have to measure my food out forever.

Baby steps, little progress at a time. I did eat out last night and this afternoon, so I am moving forward. Sometimes I wish I could move forward faster but I have to be patient with myself.
Baby steps.

Listening to my body

One of the hardest parts of recovery for me has been listening to my body. My hunger signals have been WAY off since I started restricting at a very young age (around 11). It feels like I've messed up my hunger cues completely - some days feeling ravenous, and other days the thought of food makes me nauseas. So I haven't been able to trust my body. I've followed a meal plan for a long time.... it's been a rare few months that I've been off of a meal plan/not counting calories... I can probably count the weeks on my hands. Weeks of intuitive eating? Hah! Some strange, foreign idea to me.

Well I'm trying to listen to my body. I've been on Your Eatopia and read about the Minnie Maud method, and while I don't agree with the method I do believe it is important to listen to your body. The method says "if you're hungry, eat, and keep eating." I have believed for a long time that feeling hungry is a failure or weakness on my part. Sat through hunger pains at night, trying to fall asleep... and then becoming ravenous to the point of binging and then purging. And I certainly DON'T want to go down that path again... binging and purging is NOT an option.

Tonight for dinner we had BBQ chicken and corn on the cob, and afterward, I was still so hungry! Not a very big meal, not many starches, but it's what I had planned... so I was set on not eating anymore. But then I started fantasizing about sneaking to the grocery store and buying a few pints of ice cream. It clicked in my mind "I really am still hungry, and need to feed my body." Strange thought for me! But I went with it. So I went to the office and asked for some carrots, and ate a bowl of carrots, EXTRA from my meal plan! I know it's just carrots, but eating anything off my meal plan really is a challenge. And then guess what.... I had two squares of chocolate!! Again, not a huge achievement, but for me it's a really big deal. Going off my meal plan and listening to my body is really scary. And I did it.

I'll admit that after I went for a walk, and ran a bit, and I was thinking about "burning off the extra calories." But you know what? I feel good. I feel healthy, I feel strong. I feel happy! And I looked at my reflection when I got home, and you know what? I feel OK with what I'm seeing! My body is not bloated or swollen, it has gotten used to eating and drinking. I'm not puffy, I'm not big... I am healthy. And Healthy is a GOOD THING. Healthy = happiness. Healthy = success. Healthy = positive. Healthy = life!!!

Baby steps... but steps indeed.
Feeling very hopeful.

Keep fighting friends <3 NEVER GIVE UP!

Heading in the right direction!!

I am SO excited!! I talked to my therapist today and she said I can move out of residential and into independent housing within the next couple weeks!! Eek!!! All my hard work had paid off!! The refeeding - eating, stomach aches, bloating, foot swelling, hiccups, acid reflux - all worth it! Now I can proudly say I am physically healthy and ready to move onto the next step in my treatment and life! I can't explain how glad I am to be moving toward more independence. There are many things I'm looking forward to.

1. Having new roommates. My current 

roommates are pretty ignorant of others because they are very much in their own heads. It's, as a result, hard to make friends with them. In independent living I will have roommates that hopefully care and become friends! There are a couple houses I could potentially move into, all with very nice young women I am friends with. I can't wait to have some more peer support.

2. Being able to make my own breakfast! Currently I wake up around 7am and breakfast at this house is not until 9:30 so by then I'm so hungry!! Doesn't 9:30 seem a bit late for breakfast? Also if I wake up and really want waffles and it is planned to have cereal, I'm stuck with waffles. I look forward to having some more flexibility with my breakfast.

3. Not having to ask staff for food. Currently all food is locked up in the staff office so when I need my snacks I always have to ask for it, and it's kind of embarrassing. I feel that I'm constantly asking for food. In regular housing we keep all the food in the fridge and pantry like normal... So I will be free to grab snacks as I need them.

4. Being able to cook without supervision! I know how to use a stove and oven and will be very happy when I'm trusted to use them myself without setting the house on fire haha.

5. Being able to go for walks when I want and eventually go for runs in the morning! I can't wait to have more independence and freedoms to go where I want! 

6. Being able to have my rats Drew and Annie. It will be so nice to have some furry companions. They aren't exactly cuddly but they are sweet and love attention. I just have to make sure it's ok with my new housemates!

7. No staff watching all the time. Right now staff are constantly watching me. In regular housing that won't be the case! I will have staff support throughout the day, but not constant supervision. I look forward to feeling like an adult again. 

8. Not having chemicals and sharp objects locked up. When I got to Hanbleceya I was just out of the hospital and for safety I needed to have these things locked up. But now I feel safe to have my razor to shave my legs, and I feel ok with having bleach to clean. I don't worry that one of my parts will harm the body. It's a nice feeling to trust myself again.

There are more things I'm looking forward to... I'm just SO excited for this new chapter of my life. So ready to have some more independence, ready to have some freedom and feel that I can be trusted again. Once I know the details of when and where I will be moving to I will post immediately! 

Moving forward!!

Waiting long enough for things to even out

When you recovery from an eating disorder sometimes you have to gain weight - not always - but in my case yes. I've gained a good 20 pounds in the past 5 weeks and it's super uncomfortable and quite noticeable. The good thing is I didn't grow out if my clothes because I never buy clothes when I am sick... In fact all my clothes for me great now! They just do not look the same. Clothes that hung off me a few weeks ago are now form fitting and it's really uncomfortable. I'm especially self conscious about my stomach puffing out.

I know that people who are gaining weight after restricting don't always gain weight in the most graceful way... In fact it's far from graceful and often really unattractive because the weight ALL goes to your stomach. All the weight I've gained feels like it's gone to my stomach and it's really hard to come to grips with. Logically I know the body does this for a reason... All the day goes to the stomach and abdomens because that's where all your organs are and they need protections ASAP. It's a protective mechanism just not very pretty.

For example my fingers and arms are still rather thin... It's my stomach and somewhat my legs that have swelled up. Ugh. So uncomfortable.

My point... The weight DOES  redistribute. If you give it long enough all that belly fat will spread out to the arms and legs and feet and hands and fingers. It's just hard waiting. I want to redistribution to happen NOW not in a few months from now. I just have had issues in the past waiting long enough for that process to happen. I've always relapsed before my body knew it was actually safe and had enough fat to be healthy. 

This time I can make things different. Being at my goal weight does NOT mean that I stop eating. It means I continue to eat and maintain and stay healthy. I exercise as much as I am allowed, not a crazy insane amount of exercise. I be kind to myself and gentle while my body realizes that it's safe now. That it can be assured there is enough weight on me to be protected and safe.

The weight will redistribute. I just have to be patient.

You are stronger than you believe.  Keep fighting!!

You are beautiful!

I am struggling with the number on the scale (even though I don't know exactly what it is... I have an idea), and my reflection in the mirror. I feel completely miserable. Ugly, fat, worthless, useless, unloveable... The list goes on. I don't want to be me anymore. I want a new body. One that isn't ruined like mine.

 I've hated my body since I can remember... Since I was a very small child. It's sad, really. One of my younger parts (Polly, who's seven) keeps repeating over and over that she's ugly and it makes me so sad!! She goes to staff saying "I'm so ugly. Why am I so ugly?" It breaks my heart that nothing I say consoles her. No seven year old should think they are ugly. Nobody should feel they are ugly. Every person is beautiful in his or her own way, and it may sound silly but it's true.

 I don't think I'm the only person who struggles with this. There are girls and women, boys and men, all over the world who think they are ugly and base their happiness on their outer appearance and on a number on a machine that they stand on. Nonsense!! Right?? I think so. 

Here is my message to the world: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

You may not believe it right now. You may feel hopeless. But there is always hope. Sometimes you have to really search but it's there. Maybe we can all find it some day.

Never stop fighting friends. We will get through this.

I feel horrible sometimes

 Sometimes I look at my reflection in the mirror or in glass and I'm ok with what I see. Sometimes, like right now, I absolutely despise everything. I feel huge and bloated and disgusted and so uncomfortable. It's awful. I want to crawl out of my skin and into someone else's. It makes me think "maybe I should go back to restricting and purging" and for a moment that actually sounds like a good idea. But then I think "wait a second! Am I crazy??" To want to go back to being sick is crazy. First, I don't want to be sick anymore. It's not fun or worth it. It will make me feel worse than I feel now. Second, no matter how much weight I've lost I have Never been happy and it's never been enough. I've been at the very lowest weights in the depths of my disorder and still felt ugly, probably uglier than ever. So going to the eating disorder is not going to help.

So what do I do??

I continue eating and being healthy to start. I eat dinner and I eat snack and I go to bed and feel brand new in the morning. I wear clothes that make me feel ok, even though it feels like right now none of my clothes look right. I put on a shirt and skirt then another shirt then another skirt then pants then jeans then shorts... It's awful. Nothing feels right. So I will wear the most comfortable thing at the moment which is dresses and skirts. I am out though I need to do laundry haha.  I will read my positive statements and affirmations about myself and try to replace positive thoughts with the negative. Turn "I'm fat" Into "I am healthy" and "I'm horribly ugly" into "I deserve to be healthy." I will repeat the positives over  and over until they are ingrained. Every night before dinner I do a worksheet called an ATR or automatic thought record. The sheet instructs me to write a negative thought and reframe it. Tonight was "I am hideous and don't deserve to eat." My response... "Every creature and person deserves to eat no matter what." And the sheet asks me "what would you tell a friend in your situation?" Well if I had a friend who said she was ugly I would give her an enormous hug and tell her she is beautiful and worthy and that I'm so proud of all the work she's done the past few weeks. I don't know what makes it so hard to tell myself nice things... It's just so hard :(

My eating disorder goes against all my values. I believe people and animals are beautiful on the inside. I believe true beauty comes from within. I believe looks aren't important... What's important is being kind and generous and loving. Every person and creature is love able no matter if they are ugly or fat or thin or beautiful or mean or nice... They all deserve love and good things. I am a human. We are humans. We deserve to eat and to live.

Sorry this got so long I'm just really trying to talk myself out of being destructive. Feeling quite low at the moment and really don't want to eat dinner. But I will eat my dinner and keep it down. I can do this. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. Ahhhhh. 

One moment at a time friends.