Listening to my body

One of the hardest parts of recovery for me has been listening to my body. My hunger signals have been WAY off since I started restricting at a very young age (around 11). It feels like I've messed up my hunger cues completely - some days feeling ravenous, and other days the thought of food makes me nauseas. So I haven't been able to trust my body. I've followed a meal plan for a long time.... it's been a rare few months that I've been off of a meal plan/not counting calories... I can probably count the weeks on my hands. Weeks of intuitive eating? Hah! Some strange, foreign idea to me.

Well I'm trying to listen to my body. I've been on Your Eatopia and read about the Minnie Maud method, and while I don't agree with the method I do believe it is important to listen to your body. The method says "if you're hungry, eat, and keep eating." I have believed for a long time that feeling hungry is a failure or weakness on my part. Sat through hunger pains at night, trying to fall asleep... and then becoming ravenous to the point of binging and then purging. And I certainly DON'T want to go down that path again... binging and purging is NOT an option.

Tonight for dinner we had BBQ chicken and corn on the cob, and afterward, I was still so hungry! Not a very big meal, not many starches, but it's what I had planned... so I was set on not eating anymore. But then I started fantasizing about sneaking to the grocery store and buying a few pints of ice cream. It clicked in my mind "I really am still hungry, and need to feed my body." Strange thought for me! But I went with it. So I went to the office and asked for some carrots, and ate a bowl of carrots, EXTRA from my meal plan! I know it's just carrots, but eating anything off my meal plan really is a challenge. And then guess what.... I had two squares of chocolate!! Again, not a huge achievement, but for me it's a really big deal. Going off my meal plan and listening to my body is really scary. And I did it.

I'll admit that after I went for a walk, and ran a bit, and I was thinking about "burning off the extra calories." But you know what? I feel good. I feel healthy, I feel strong. I feel happy! And I looked at my reflection when I got home, and you know what? I feel OK with what I'm seeing! My body is not bloated or swollen, it has gotten used to eating and drinking. I'm not puffy, I'm not big... I am healthy. And Healthy is a GOOD THING. Healthy = happiness. Healthy = success. Healthy = positive. Healthy = life!!!

Baby steps... but steps indeed.
Feeling very hopeful.

Keep fighting friends <3 NEVER GIVE UP!