Sometimes I'm ok

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I am ok with what I see. I accept that my body is "healthy" and that I'm now at my target weight. Being at my target weight means a lot of things. First it means that my body is in a healthy place, and that it can start to function properly again. Second, I will get to do so many more things! I get to hopefully, soon, move into regular housing, go for walks, maybe run soon, and have more freedoms. I no longer have to check in with staff before using the bathroom (boy was that annoying) and I am not being watched constantly. People are trusting that I am eating what I need and not purging. And that does feel good! It is nice, after so long being watched, to finally be trusted. My weight is proof that I'm doing what's right.
Today I found out that I am at my goal weight (almost, but pretty much). Of course I cried. I'm uncomfortable. My belly is swollen, my legs are bigger, my arms are bigger... but after a small meltdown, I got lunch and started eating and realized I don't want to be sick the rest of my life. Being sick takes away all the joy from life, everything is a struggle. I'm tired and weak and cranky and I'm not trusted at all! At a healthy weight I do have more freedom, more responsibility... but freedom and independence and THAT is what I want. I want to be free. Finally.

So I came home and looked in the mirror and expected to hate what I saw, but I actually felt ok. I'm wearing a tank top, and yes my tummy is rounder and puffing out a little, and no my arms aren't sticks anymore, but IT'S OK. I am ok the way I am. My weight does not make me ugly, or worthless, or undeserving. In fact being at a healthy weight makes me look better in many ways. People won't stare at me and think I look sickly, I am strong. Hopefully I can start exercising more, get in good shape, and feel even better! New look; healthy and strong. NO more weakness and frail thinness.

I can do this. MUST do this!!
Keep fighting friends. Never give up.