I'm feeling anxiety about having to get weighed tomorrow. For the past two days I have followed my meal plan and not counted calories, so I have no idea how many calories I'm eating. I just decided I needed to give up the control and follow the meal plan my dietician has given me. She's promised me that as soon as my meal plan needs to be lowered she will lower it. I just have trouble with the fact that my dietician knows what's happening with my body (specifically my weight) and I don't. I feel like I want to know what's happening with my own body, and handing that responsibility over to my dietician is hard.
So I will step on the scale. And there will be a number. A number I don't know.... And I don't need to know because that number does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It does not change me or make me a bad person. My weight is my gravitational pull on the earth. That's all it is. I am not my weight. I am not a number. So getting weighed should be no biggie.
I feel proud/anxious about the fact that I'm doing the right thing. I am eating, and that is good. But the feelings are mixed. At times eating feels really wrong. It feels like the opposite of what I need to be doing, even though logically I do know eating is a good thing. I just wish eating didn't have such an effect on me. I'm working on it. Some day those numbers won't matter. None of them. The calories, the weight.. it just won't phase me. I can't wait for that day. I'll get there.
Night snack today... the usual :) Toast with sunflower butter, banana, and hot cocoa. :) Mmmmmm. I deserve to enjoy my food. All people do. YOU DESERVE TO EAT. Never stop fighting. We will get there; baby steps.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Ways to deal with anxiety
I have struggled with anxiety since I was very little. When I was a child my anxiety manifested itself as stomach aches and shortness of breath. I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was making me sick, but they couldn't find anything. It was just nerves. The stomach aches continued as I became a preteen and teenager, and my anxiety just made me more anxious. When I trouble with friends, or with my parents, my stomach would get upset. And it was annoying and embarrassing. It didn't occur to anyone that I was just really anxious and responding to difficult things that were happening in my life. I know now that when I get a stomach ache it is probably because I'm anxious. I also have panic attacks where I feel I can't breathe and I'm going to faint or get sick. I've had these attacks every since I can remember. And it's not fun.
So ways to beat anxiety. These are things that I use when I'm feeling anxious.
Breathing. Breathing is really, really important. When I get anxious I try to normalize my breathing and count my breaths. I inhale and count to 4, and then exhale and count to 7. Inhale count to 4, exhale count to 7. Sometimes I do "4 by 4" breathing, where I count inhale 4, hold the breath 4, exhale the breath 4, hold 4. Breathing is a great skill because you can do it anywhere and don't need anything other than your body. You can do it in a room of people, or by yourself. Pay attention to your breathing.
Holding onto something cold. I like to use an ice pack. I grab onto the ice pack, sometimes bring it up to my face to feel the shock of the coldness. It helps to ground me and bring me back into reality. When I hold ice it is a reminder that I am alive and I am ok. It's the shock of the change of temperature that really helps.
Drinking tea. Drinking a hot cup of tea is really soothing to me. The smell and the sweet taste are very grounding for me. It helps lower my anxiety significantly.
Wrapping myself in a blanket. It's kind of like swaddling a baby and sounds silly, but it really helps. I have a blanket that I made a few years ago that I sit and wrap myself in, and it really calms me down. It makes me feel warm and safe, like I am protected.
Hugging stuffed animals. I have DID, and I have parts inside me that are really young... as young as 2 years old. When my younger parts are anxious and afraid it really helps to hug a stuffed animal. Again, it sounds silly, but it reminds me that I am safe and reminds my younger parts that they are safe.
Counting and naming things in the room around me. I look around the room and literally name off everything that I see. Chair, fan, table, cup, phone, computer... it grounds me and puts me back in the room that I'm in, and it's really helpful. It distracts me from my negative, scary thoughts.
Playing games on my phone. I play Scrabble with a few people, I play Yahtzee, and I play tetris occasionally, and it is a good distraction. I can sit for just a little while and play a silly game and it takes my mind off whatever is making me panic.
Listening to music. Sometimes I listen to calming music, sometimes I listen to kid's music, sometimes I listen to pop... my music choices are really random. But having my ear phones in is really calming and can take me to another world in a way. I can close my eyes and just get absorbed into the music. Music is an amazing thing. I also play the guitar, and singing and playing the guitar is also really calming. I sing calming music and it calms me down. I love music.
How do you deal with anxiety? Any tips? I'm always looking for new ways to beat anxiety.
So ways to beat anxiety. These are things that I use when I'm feeling anxious.
Breathing. Breathing is really, really important. When I get anxious I try to normalize my breathing and count my breaths. I inhale and count to 4, and then exhale and count to 7. Inhale count to 4, exhale count to 7. Sometimes I do "4 by 4" breathing, where I count inhale 4, hold the breath 4, exhale the breath 4, hold 4. Breathing is a great skill because you can do it anywhere and don't need anything other than your body. You can do it in a room of people, or by yourself. Pay attention to your breathing.
Holding onto something cold. I like to use an ice pack. I grab onto the ice pack, sometimes bring it up to my face to feel the shock of the coldness. It helps to ground me and bring me back into reality. When I hold ice it is a reminder that I am alive and I am ok. It's the shock of the change of temperature that really helps.
Drinking tea. Drinking a hot cup of tea is really soothing to me. The smell and the sweet taste are very grounding for me. It helps lower my anxiety significantly.
Wrapping myself in a blanket. It's kind of like swaddling a baby and sounds silly, but it really helps. I have a blanket that I made a few years ago that I sit and wrap myself in, and it really calms me down. It makes me feel warm and safe, like I am protected.
Hugging stuffed animals. I have DID, and I have parts inside me that are really young... as young as 2 years old. When my younger parts are anxious and afraid it really helps to hug a stuffed animal. Again, it sounds silly, but it reminds me that I am safe and reminds my younger parts that they are safe.
Counting and naming things in the room around me. I look around the room and literally name off everything that I see. Chair, fan, table, cup, phone, computer... it grounds me and puts me back in the room that I'm in, and it's really helpful. It distracts me from my negative, scary thoughts.
Playing games on my phone. I play Scrabble with a few people, I play Yahtzee, and I play tetris occasionally, and it is a good distraction. I can sit for just a little while and play a silly game and it takes my mind off whatever is making me panic.
Listening to music. Sometimes I listen to calming music, sometimes I listen to kid's music, sometimes I listen to pop... my music choices are really random. But having my ear phones in is really calming and can take me to another world in a way. I can close my eyes and just get absorbed into the music. Music is an amazing thing. I also play the guitar, and singing and playing the guitar is also really calming. I sing calming music and it calms me down. I love music.
How do you deal with anxiety? Any tips? I'm always looking for new ways to beat anxiety.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Day of tears
It's been a day of crying... starting around 12 and until 4. Sobbing.
I am feeling out of control... guilty, ashamed, ugly, disgusting, horrible. I put on my new dress this morning and it looks good! I feel comfortable in it, it's really pretty - a cool neckline/straps and a floral design. I was feeling good.
And then I had therapy, and it was hard... we are talking about a lot of tough stuff right now related to my body and abuse and trauma. It set me off, especially when my therapist told me I am getting close to my goal weight. And then I found out that my dietician is leaving on vacation for two weeks! What if I reach my goal weight and she's not here to lower my meal plan??? I talked to her and she assured me I would get weighed at my regular times, and that my doctor will adjust my meal plan accordingly. But I am panicking. On one hand I feel good about my body. I'm stronger, I'm not dizzy, I have energy. On the other hand I am bloated and puffy, my stomach sticks out, my thighs are bigger, my arms are bigger. Everything is bigger. And it does not feel good.
So how will I "self soothe?" All I want to do is restrict and purge. I thought about purging before getting weighed but I resisted. The urge is STRONG though, and I'm afraid of slipping backwards... it would be so easy. Nobody is watching me after meals, I could easily get away with purging. But how would that help me??? It wouldn't.
I have things to look forward to.
I'm really sorry if I keep repeating myself in these posts. I just have to keep telling myself over and over and OVER that this pain and agony will be worth it in the end.... there are good things coming my way if I can just get healthy. So many good things.
Part of me feels that once I am at a healthy weight nobody will care about me anymore. That I won't get the same care and attention, that I will be overlooked. Which is silly, because once I am healthy I can do the hard work that I need to to truly heal. My therapists have told me they won't give up on me, I guess I just have trouble believing them. In previous treatment I've reached a healthy weight and then been booted out of the program. I'm assured that won't happen here, but I can't help but be afraid. I've been sick for so long.... it's scary to think about being healthy. Not being the "sick one" is foreign to me. But being healthy HAS to be better than being sick, right?
I wish someone would assure me that everything is going to be ok.... I just feel so hopeless right now. I want to refuse dinner, but will that get me anywhere? Will that get me into regular housing? NO. Absolutely not. Which is why I will eat dinner. And snack. And move on with my life.
Just have to keep pushing forward. Forward, it's the only way to go.
Destination: HEALTHY
I am feeling out of control... guilty, ashamed, ugly, disgusting, horrible. I put on my new dress this morning and it looks good! I feel comfortable in it, it's really pretty - a cool neckline/straps and a floral design. I was feeling good.
And then I had therapy, and it was hard... we are talking about a lot of tough stuff right now related to my body and abuse and trauma. It set me off, especially when my therapist told me I am getting close to my goal weight. And then I found out that my dietician is leaving on vacation for two weeks! What if I reach my goal weight and she's not here to lower my meal plan??? I talked to her and she assured me I would get weighed at my regular times, and that my doctor will adjust my meal plan accordingly. But I am panicking. On one hand I feel good about my body. I'm stronger, I'm not dizzy, I have energy. On the other hand I am bloated and puffy, my stomach sticks out, my thighs are bigger, my arms are bigger. Everything is bigger. And it does not feel good.
So how will I "self soothe?" All I want to do is restrict and purge. I thought about purging before getting weighed but I resisted. The urge is STRONG though, and I'm afraid of slipping backwards... it would be so easy. Nobody is watching me after meals, I could easily get away with purging. But how would that help me??? It wouldn't.
I have things to look forward to.
I'm really sorry if I keep repeating myself in these posts. I just have to keep telling myself over and over and OVER that this pain and agony will be worth it in the end.... there are good things coming my way if I can just get healthy. So many good things.
Part of me feels that once I am at a healthy weight nobody will care about me anymore. That I won't get the same care and attention, that I will be overlooked. Which is silly, because once I am healthy I can do the hard work that I need to to truly heal. My therapists have told me they won't give up on me, I guess I just have trouble believing them. In previous treatment I've reached a healthy weight and then been booted out of the program. I'm assured that won't happen here, but I can't help but be afraid. I've been sick for so long.... it's scary to think about being healthy. Not being the "sick one" is foreign to me. But being healthy HAS to be better than being sick, right?
I wish someone would assure me that everything is going to be ok.... I just feel so hopeless right now. I want to refuse dinner, but will that get me anywhere? Will that get me into regular housing? NO. Absolutely not. Which is why I will eat dinner. And snack. And move on with my life.
Just have to keep pushing forward. Forward, it's the only way to go.
Destination: HEALTHY
It's just a number...
I get weighed today and I am kind of FREAKING out. I know the number is up. Part of me feels so embarrassed to step on the scale, proof of my "ugliness" proof of my failure and how disgusting I am.
But this thinking is illogical.
Gaining weight is a GOOD thing. Really good! When I get to my goal weight I will have so many good things waiting for me! Independent housing, school, my pets, driving... it's a big list of good things that will happen once I gain the weight!
So why am I so miserable about gaining weight??
I had a lot of trauma growing up. And my body was abused and objectified.
And now I am the abuser of my body.
But no more.
I will be kind to my body. Feed it what it needs. Let it get to the ideal weight and stay there, as much as I want to fight!!! I DON'T WANT TO GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT. But I need it. My body needs it. And once I get there I will feel better in many ways.
Ugh.
I am so conflicted and so out of sorts. i don't want to get out of bed.... I don't want to start the day. I want the day to go away so I can get in bed again!! I have therapy this morning, hopefully it will help me put some things in perspective. My therapist is tough, and tells me things how they are, and always challenges me and my other parts.
I will have breakfast and snack and lunch and move on with my day. End of story.
Onward!
But this thinking is illogical.
Gaining weight is a GOOD thing. Really good! When I get to my goal weight I will have so many good things waiting for me! Independent housing, school, my pets, driving... it's a big list of good things that will happen once I gain the weight!
So why am I so miserable about gaining weight??
I had a lot of trauma growing up. And my body was abused and objectified.
And now I am the abuser of my body.
But no more.
I will be kind to my body. Feed it what it needs. Let it get to the ideal weight and stay there, as much as I want to fight!!! I DON'T WANT TO GAIN ANYMORE WEIGHT. But I need it. My body needs it. And once I get there I will feel better in many ways.
Ugh.
I am so conflicted and so out of sorts. i don't want to get out of bed.... I don't want to start the day. I want the day to go away so I can get in bed again!! I have therapy this morning, hopefully it will help me put some things in perspective. My therapist is tough, and tells me things how they are, and always challenges me and my other parts.
I will have breakfast and snack and lunch and move on with my day. End of story.
Onward!
Monday, June 30, 2014
Obsession?
I have an obsession, addiction even... And it's gum and mints. I chew so many packs each week it's crazy and an expensive habit. I just went to the store and bought 8 dollars worth of gum and tic tacs!!!! I'm ashamed. There are worse things I could buy by far!! But I'm not proud of all the gum I'm going through.
I want to cut back... It's just that chewing gum eases my anxiety and helps my food to stay in my stomach (otherwise I "huccup" what I've eaten, sorry for ugly images).
The problem is that gum chewing is part of my eating disorder. I used to chew and chew gum and not eat; and mint kind of suppresses appetite. I'm eating now! But still I should cut back.
So I want to make a plan. Here are some things I've thought of...
1. Buy only a couple packs and that's my ration for the whole week
2. Chew only one piece at a time. I have the habit of shoving two pieces in my mouth, sometimes even three. And then adding more pieces while I chew. So one piece at a time.
3. Chew eat piece for longer instead f throwing it away as soon as the flavor dies down.... I can chew for a lot longer than I have been.
4. With mints - sucking on them instead of chomping! I go through mints quite fast as well.
Do you have any suggestions??
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Kind of a hard day
I don't know how to deal with feeling hungry... and as a result it's been a hard day. Lots of behaviors, which I hadn't had much of in a while. I'm disappointed for sure. Wanted to make today stronger, more solid.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I went to a yogurt shop and bought myself a frozen yogurt for later tonight's snack. Coconut and banana yogurt, and I will put fresh banana and almonds on it. YUM
And then I will keep it down because my body knows what to do with the food... My body knows what to do, my body knows what to do, my body knows what to do. Arg. I wish this wasn't so hard. Having behaviors feels so natural, so automatic. I need to FIGHT to do the healthy thing.
It IS possible to be healthy. I can do this.
You can do this.
Keep fighting.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I went to a yogurt shop and bought myself a frozen yogurt for later tonight's snack. Coconut and banana yogurt, and I will put fresh banana and almonds on it. YUM
And then I will keep it down because my body knows what to do with the food... My body knows what to do, my body knows what to do, my body knows what to do. Arg. I wish this wasn't so hard. Having behaviors feels so natural, so automatic. I need to FIGHT to do the healthy thing.
It IS possible to be healthy. I can do this.
You can do this.
Keep fighting.
HUNGRY
Today I am hungry.
And it's freaking me out! I am not used to being hungry, I'm used to being full... so what does this mean? Am I feeling anxious or lonely and craving food, or is my body actually hungry? I think it might be that my body is actually hungry. My metabolism is in overdrive.
I haven't kept everything down today :( That may be part of the reason why I feel so hungry. I need to get back on track, and I will with dinner. Maybe an ensure would be helpful? I am determined not to fall into a trap of purging. And even binging.... I could eat an entire half gallon of ice cream right now.
What to do what to do. I had some extra carrots but purged those... that's how afraid I am of eating anything off my meal plan. I need to be more flexible, I know...
Sushi for dinner tonight. I will eat, not give into the guilt. I can do this.
Getting back on track...
And it's freaking me out! I am not used to being hungry, I'm used to being full... so what does this mean? Am I feeling anxious or lonely and craving food, or is my body actually hungry? I think it might be that my body is actually hungry. My metabolism is in overdrive.
I haven't kept everything down today :( That may be part of the reason why I feel so hungry. I need to get back on track, and I will with dinner. Maybe an ensure would be helpful? I am determined not to fall into a trap of purging. And even binging.... I could eat an entire half gallon of ice cream right now.
What to do what to do. I had some extra carrots but purged those... that's how afraid I am of eating anything off my meal plan. I need to be more flexible, I know...
Sushi for dinner tonight. I will eat, not give into the guilt. I can do this.
Getting back on track...
Saturday, June 28, 2014
The pros and cons of anxiety medication
I was feeling very anxious on the verge of a panic attack. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I was nauseas, and couldn't focus on anything or sit still. So I decided to take my anti-anxiety PRN, Klonopin.
I feel so much better. I feel calm and relaxed. My heart is not pounding anymore. I feel pretty happy.
But I don't like taking meds unless I have to. I want to find ways to calm myself down without medication. It helps me for sure, but there must be other ways to ground and get to a calmer, more stable place.
I picked up my guitar and sang and that helped to calm me down, too. I love to sing, strum the guitar, feel the music even if it's just for myself. Writing helps. Coloring is very calming.
I'm not ashamed that I took the medication. I just hope in the future I won't have panic attacks and I won't need a mood altering medicine to feel ok.
Just thoughts.
I feel so much better. I feel calm and relaxed. My heart is not pounding anymore. I feel pretty happy.
But I don't like taking meds unless I have to. I want to find ways to calm myself down without medication. It helps me for sure, but there must be other ways to ground and get to a calmer, more stable place.
I picked up my guitar and sang and that helped to calm me down, too. I love to sing, strum the guitar, feel the music even if it's just for myself. Writing helps. Coloring is very calming.
I'm not ashamed that I took the medication. I just hope in the future I won't have panic attacks and I won't need a mood altering medicine to feel ok.
Just thoughts.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
How to beat urges and anxiety
Just finished my 3pm snack... by this time of the day I start to get pretty uncomfortable. It feels like everything I've eaten is just piling up in my stomach, and there's nothing I can do to feel better. The urge to have behaviors skyrockets. I guess the worst time is after dinner... but right now I'm feeling really anxious.
All I want to do is go to the store, buy a gallon of ice cream, and drown my sorrows.
Makes no sense right? Feeling full to the brim, yet dying to binge. I know it's emotional, not physical hunger. I am physically full. Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. So the question is what can one do to soothe him/herself when feeling really high anxiety and panic? I'm going to list all the ones I can think of. If you have ideas on how to reduce anxiety in a healthy way, please share!!
1. color
2. draw
3. write
4. read - get lost in a book
5. listen to music
6. watch a movie or tv show
7. bake (as long as it's not triggering)
8. go for a gentle walk
9. stretch
10. do yoga
11. go on pinterest
12. chat with a friend
13. surf the internet
14. play a musical instrument (I play guitar, flute, and piano)
15. sing karaoke
16. Take a hot shower or bath (if you feel safe)
17. start a blog :)
18. Watch silly youtube videos
19. go out in nature - feed ducks, go to a lake, go for a hike, etc.
20. do an art project - make bracelets, do origami, paint pottery... the ideas are endless!
So basically there are healthy things to do instead of restrict/binge/purge/overexercise/cutting. There are SO MANY healthy ways to distract and cope with anxiety. To all my nonexistent readers; Thank you for giving me this space to share my thoughts and work through my feelings. I will work through these feelings.
Makes no sense right? Feeling full to the brim, yet dying to binge. I know it's emotional, not physical hunger. I am physically full. Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. So the question is what can one do to soothe him/herself when feeling really high anxiety and panic? I'm going to list all the ones I can think of. If you have ideas on how to reduce anxiety in a healthy way, please share!!
1. color
2. draw
3. write
4. read - get lost in a book
5. listen to music
6. watch a movie or tv show
7. bake (as long as it's not triggering)
8. go for a gentle walk
9. stretch
10. do yoga
11. go on pinterest
12. chat with a friend
13. surf the internet
14. play a musical instrument (I play guitar, flute, and piano)
15. sing karaoke
16. Take a hot shower or bath (if you feel safe)
17. start a blog :)
18. Watch silly youtube videos
19. go out in nature - feed ducks, go to a lake, go for a hike, etc.
20. do an art project - make bracelets, do origami, paint pottery... the ideas are endless!
So basically there are healthy things to do instead of restrict/binge/purge/overexercise/cutting. There are SO MANY healthy ways to distract and cope with anxiety. To all my nonexistent readers; Thank you for giving me this space to share my thoughts and work through my feelings. I will work through these feelings.
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