School

School is hard right now.. it's not that the classes themselves are hard, it's the content that's really hard to deal with. In one of my classes, Child Growth and Development, we are learning about development in the womb and childbirth. And we have to watch videos. And it is really not pretty. Women giving birth is NOT something I enjoy watching. In fact it really disturbs me... I guess women give birth to babies every day and it's a natural process but it just looks SO abnormal. Pushing out a baby sounds like the most painful thing in the world.

In my other class, Child, Family, and Community, we are talking about parenting and child abuse :( We are working on a big project about socialization, talking about our life and how we were socialized as a child. As I go through this project I am faced with the fact that I was very poorly socialized. I never developed a secure attachment to an adult when I was a child, and that left me somewhat socially delayed. And it was many people and many different instances in my life where I was maltreated. It's hard to read about the prevalence of child abuse. It happens every day. It happened to me. Children are small and innocent and unable to defend themselves, and every day adults take advantage of that vulnerability. So sad.

Today has been a good day. This afternoon I went out with my parents and my sister and we painted pottery! We went to a ceramics cafe and painted a platter together and it was really fun. My dad just couldn't get his paint brush steady... my sister cracks me up. But we had a really good time just spending time together as a family. I'm grateful for the progress my family has made, so grateful. We have come a really long way. I can't believe things used to be so bad. Things are finally looking up for us as a family. And that makes me happy.

Back to studying!

Questions!

Today i saw THIS link up on izzy's blog and it looked like fun :) 

When I open the fridge, I always hope to find:..

Lots of fruits and veggies! I absolutely adore fruit... Apples, bananas, berries, grapes, melon, pears, peaches, plums... Any fruit really! And carrots, snap peas, salad material... Lots of fresh options!

My favourite article of clothing is.. Dresses and skirts. I feel most comfortable in them. Also workout clothes because they are comfy and easy to move in.

Last week I was really pissed... Because I am living in a house with people who are difficult to live with. I'm ready to move into regular housing now!!

One thing nobody understands about me is…. Why I have so muh anxiety and so many fears. I have lots of fears of things that should not be a big deal. But I have my reasons... The way I was brought up, traumas, and scary life experiences.

One thing I don’t understand is... Math. I hate math and find it to be pointless unless you plan to have a career as a mathematician.

The world would be a better place if… there weren't so many homeless animals. I'd feel so much better knowing animals all had a safe home.

If I had a million dollars I would…. Donate to all the charities I could!

If I could change on thing about myself, it would be…. I would want to be more confident. 

Something that can always make me happy is… my kitty!

Something I’ll never blog about is... Tips on how to be sick or unhealthy. This is a PRO recovery blog.

IfIf I could go anywhere, I would go…To the Galápagos Islands!

Because…I want to study all the wildlife there :)

If I were an animal, I would be a…probably a puppy. I always want to make people happy and I'm pretty playful!

A job I’ve always wanted is…to be a social worker and help others, especially kids

My idea of a perfect day is... Cuddling under warm blankets with my kitty and reading a book by the fireplace.

If I knew I’d die next week, this week I would… eat everything I've been afraid to try and travel as many places as I could in as little time possible!!

 

Taking up space

I'm really struggling with the weight I've gained. None of my clothes look right (Even though now they technically fit), I feel kind of bloated and puffy and all together large and very uncomfortable.
Here at Hanbleceya they use the term "taking space" a lot for people who want to talk and share about how they are doing, and they also use the phrase "are you in a good/bad/ok space to talk/deal with this problem?"

I've been thinking a lot about how I never want to take space when they ask me, and the idea overall that I just don't want to take up space. Ever since I was little I was told to be polite, to not interrupt, to be quiet, to not take peoples' attention, and that's how I still am. I'm afraid to take space from people's lives, I feel unimportant. I feel like a waste of time. I feel stupid and worthless so much of the time. And I guess I take out these feelings on my body. I don't want to take up physical space either. I want my body to be as small and unnoticeable as possible, although in honesty when I get really thin, people notice. It's scary to see someone who has anorexia, and it is definitely something that brings attention to you. My weight has gotten to a point where it's obvious that I'm sick. Of course I never see it, but it's noticeable.

I guess what I'm trying to believe is that I DO deserve to take up space in the world. I am a person, I have as much value as anyone else.
YOU have value. YOU matter. We all matter.

Today I am going to be kind to my body... feed it and nurture it and be gentle.
Peace.

Things I'm looking forward to

Sometimes, when you're feeling down about yourself, it's good to do some thinking ahead. Right now may feel really sucky, but the future could be great! Every day I do a list of things I'm looking forward to. And guess what??? There are a lot of things to look forward to!!!
It's so easy to focus on the negative, but there are so many good things to think about.

Here's my list... I am looking forward to:
- Getting my pet rats, Drew and Annie, to live with me! They are sweet pets and I miss having them to play with. Once I get permission I will be able to have them :) They only live a couple years so I want to spend as much time with the furry babies as I can!!

- Getting out of residential housing and into independent living.... right now I am under pretty strict supervision. All chemicals, sharp objects, and medicines are locked up. I depend on the staff in the house for everything. When I get to my goal weight and maintain there, I will be able to move out and have some more independence. BOY am I looking forward to that. Waking up, having what I actually want for breakfast, not being watched 24/7. Being able to walk where I want. There will be more room to mess up, but I am determined to stay healthy! I can't wait to be in regular housing.

- Going back to school. My ideal goal would be to take some community college classes in the fall and then transfer to university. I want to get my Bachelor in Social Work, and there is a university right near me that has a great social work school! I just have to stay healthy, and school will be an option!


- Traveling to New Orleans to visit my grandma, my best friend, and my KITTY! I want to visit over winter break, and if I can stay healthy I think it's an attainable goal. Get on a plane and visit the city and people I love so much and miss like crazy!

Some long term goals...
- Being OUT of treatment completely
- Getting DUCKY BACK!!
- Living on my own
- Being truly healthy and recovered
- Having a boyfriend
- Graduating from college
- Going to grad school
- Getting a job as a social worker
- Getting married
- Having a family

So many things to look forward to!! Sometimes in the grips of sadness and hopelessness I forget about the good things that could happen.
Never give up because so many opportunities are awaiting you!!

Welcome to my blog

If you've found this site, welcome.

I've never done anything like this before. And I doubt anyone will read or follow, but blogging sounds like a good hobby and pastime. 

My life is complicated. So I'll give a brief introduction.

My name is Abbi - I'm 21 years old. I live in sunny San Diego, California. I don't really like it here - but it is what it is. 

I'm in recovery. I've struggled with anorexia since I was 11 and bulimia since I was 16. I am trying desperately to gain weight and get in recovery. My journey has been long and difficult. 

I have dissociative identity disorder - DID. Formerly known as multiple personality disorder. So I often talk in "we" because there is more than one of me. It's complicated I know - I'll explain more later. 

I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Life has been hard. I've had many suicide attempts, many hospitalization, I've been in many programs. I emancipated from my family when I was 16, moved out and lived on my own. I'm currently in treatment for my eating disorders, depression, and DID at Hanbleceya - a therapeutic community in San Diego. 

On a brighter note - I LOVE music. Music is a part of me. I play flute, guitar, piano, and I'm a singer. I don't know what I'd do without my music. 

And I love animals - all animals. I have a kitty who lives with my grandma, her name is Ducky. She is the love of my life. And two rats, Drew and Annie who are very sweet and I love dearly. I also love kids - especially preschoolers. 

I want to go back to college and become a social worker - to help others.

There's a little bit about me, us. 

This is our journey and our story.