Motivated

I am more motivated than I've been in a while. Motivated to 100% get back to a healthy place. This morning has been a success! Breakfast was cinnamon toast with cream cheese, raspberries, and egg whites. And LOTS of coffee. And then snack was all bran with almond milk and blueberries. I kept it all down! YA! Not even an urge to purge today! Lunch will be a veggie sandwich. Trying to condense my foods as much as possible so I don't feel as full because that's a trigger for me.

There are have been some changes in my life. As I've written before on my blog, I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Well Abbi, our core, is not around right now. My name is Gail. I'm 19 years old, and I have taken over for Abbi for the time being. I know everything Abbi knows. I sound like Abbi. But Abbi needs help to be healthy right now.

I'm afraid that Abbi will fade away and leave the system. But I know she won't. I believe she will come back and be strong for us. For now, I am taking care of Rosie and Bee and all my other little parts that are in need of love and support. Alison, our eating disorder part, has also faded quite a bit. She is not as strong. Eating is going better. It's ok for Alison to "integrate" into Abbi.

I know this is all really confusing. It's confusing to me too. But I'm here and I'm getting back on track.
doing everything I can.

You are beautiful!

I am struggling with the number on the scale (even though I don't know exactly what it is... I have an idea), and my reflection in the mirror. I feel completely miserable. Ugly, fat, worthless, useless, unloveable... The list goes on. I don't want to be me anymore. I want a new body. One that isn't ruined like mine.

 I've hated my body since I can remember... Since I was a very small child. It's sad, really. One of my younger parts (Polly, who's seven) keeps repeating over and over that she's ugly and it makes me so sad!! She goes to staff saying "I'm so ugly. Why am I so ugly?" It breaks my heart that nothing I say consoles her. No seven year old should think they are ugly. Nobody should feel they are ugly. Every person is beautiful in his or her own way, and it may sound silly but it's true.

 I don't think I'm the only person who struggles with this. There are girls and women, boys and men, all over the world who think they are ugly and base their happiness on their outer appearance and on a number on a machine that they stand on. Nonsense!! Right?? I think so. 

Here is my message to the world: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

You may not believe it right now. You may feel hopeless. But there is always hope. Sometimes you have to really search but it's there. Maybe we can all find it some day.

Never stop fighting friends. We will get through this.

Good morning!!

Good morning :)

This morning I woke up on the right side of the bed. I took a shower, and looking at my body in the mirror I actually feel ok! It's weird. Yes I'm bigger. Yes I'm filling out... But it's ok. I'm getting healthy. A few weeks ago I was so dizzy in the mornings that I had to sit down in the shower. Now I feel strong and healthy. Not weak and dizzy. I hate feeling like I'm going to pass out... I'd rather be bigger and healthy than tiny and weak. 

Recovery is hard.

It feels wrong in so many ways to be in recovery. It goes against all the distorted thoughts and rules. But it's worth it.

My parts have been pretty quiet. I don't talk about them much, but I should. They are a huge part of me. I'll give an update.

Polly: doing pretty well! Eating when she is out, and happy most of the time. She's recovered from her huge meltdown a couple weeks ago and I think that feeling physically better is helping her mood. I love Polly. Such a sweet girl.

Alison: been pretty quiet, but not restricting or purging which is great!! She's not resisting and she's not locked up so things are going well. At some point Alison needs to come out in family therapy as she has lots of problems with my parents. She has a lot of anger and resentment toward them, and toward my sister (Alison and my sister are the same she, lots of comparing and rivalry).

Rosie: scared of one of our housemates so she's been hiding for the most part... She came out a couple weeks ago and asked to " go home". I think it will be good for her to spend some time with my parents. She needs some love for sure.

Charlotte: surprisingly quiet... Don't know what's going on with her but it's ok.

It's complicated having parts. But I've gotten used to it. I don't know who I'd be without my parts... They make me who I am and I love all of them dearly. It's like having lots of little siblings, or even being a parent especially to Rosie and the other really little parts.

Breakfast: breakfast burrito with egg, cheese, and beans, berries, and coffee :)

What did you have for breakfast?

A little about our parts

Well I explained in the first post that I have DID, or dissociative identity disorder. It's a complicated illness, as my brain seems to have split into pieces - 13 or so. Even I'm not used to having parts. I have constant chaos in my head, constant chattering, and when other parts of me come to the front, I act as though I am different person all together. I have large gaps of time where I don't remember what's happening because my other parts are "fronting" or speaking for me.
Some days I have having parts - it feels complicated. I just want to be a normal 21 year old. But I am very grateful that I have my parts. They protected my mind when I was being abused as a child. Without my parts I may not have been able to survive. And I did survive. So I am grateful.
It's kind of like having little sisters, I guess (And a brother), and I get annoyed with my parts. I also have parts who are destructive and suicidal and it makes life difficult. A few months ago, one of my parts took a lethal overdose. That was scary. And one of my parts does not do well with eating, and another part cuts. It's all very overwhelming.
Let me introduce you to all my "selves." My beautiful little system.

Nina: 2 years old. Don't know much about her

Arielle and Gabriella: 3-4 years old

Rosie: 4 years old - very sweet and quiet, but sad and tearful most of the time. Loves dolls and coloring. 

Polly: My interior protector, who comes to the front quite often. Very spunky and sweet, and a cockeyed optimist. I think her name came from the book "Pollyanna" as she is always playing the "Glad game." I love polly and most people love her too. She is the part of myself that I am proud of. 

Bee: An angry little girl - cuts and self harms, and often cries. Not much comforts her. She is one of the girl I am trying to care for and soothe right now. I wish I could get to her and help her feel better. She is in a very dark place right now. 

Rose: 8 years old, another helpful part, usually in a good mood and cheerful. Doesn't come to the front much.

Boy: Don't know much about boy, other than that he's 11 and plays the piano.
Kate and Samantha: 11 years old, quiet, and very scared. Don't come out much.
Alison: 14 and suffering from a severe eating disorder. Poor girl is giving the whole system a very hard time with eating. But we are trying hard to work with her, let her talk, trying to understand why she is so unhappy and needs to harm the body the way that she does.

Charlotte: very sad, very angry, really struggling. She took the overdose a few months ago. Poor girl is miserable, and i am trying desperately to reach her. She scares me, but I love her and want her to know I care. 

Then there's "Nobody" an older and younger version. Not sure what their role is. confusing I know. 

That's a little about me and my parts. 

Good night everyone. Sleep well.