Today is my last day in captivity

Today is my last day in residential housing. Tomorrow morning I will move everything into independent housing. Have I mentioned how excited I am?? I feel very ready to move to independence. I feel confident that I will be successful living on my own. If you had told me I was going to live alone six months ago I would have been terrified.

When I got to Hanbleceya I had just gotten out of an 8 week hospital stay. I was still suicidal, purging, and self harming. My parts were a mess, all over the place, cutting, I was dissociating. I was not safe. I took a tour of the different houses, and the thought of living without supervision scared me to death. I was afraid that I just wouldn't wake up. I did not think I was safe to hold my own medication or have chemicals or sharp things like knives and razors. I saw the residential house and immediately knew that was where I belonged. Sharps locked up. chemicals locked up. Meds locked up... the safety was comforting to me. I was so relieved when I started living at the residential house. I felt safe, I had people I could ask for help.

The first four months of my stay at Hanbleceya I really did need to be in residential. I started cutting and purging. Rules were put in place that I had to stay with staff for 40 minutes after meals so that I wouldn't purge, but after 40 minutes I would still purge anyway. I wasn't allowed to walk, and at one point I even had to be driven a block down the street to the therapy center. I was on very strict supervision, and had pretty much no freedom. But I turned things around. When everyone on my treatment team thought I'd end up in the hospital, I started eating and stopped purging. I started to gain weight. I started having fewer urges. I stopped self harming... I got better despite the odds.

Flash forward to today... I can't STAND having chemicals and sharps locked up!! When I do the dishes I want to have dish soap without having to ask. I want to be able to shave my legs in the shower! I no longer feel at risk for harming myself with the things that are locked up. I feel safe. I feel strong. I am doing so much better with my eating and I am pretty much 100% responsible for following my meal plan. I'm working on eating that 100% and getting closer every day. Tomorrow I will be free. I deserve to have this extra freedom. I'm ready. It's time!

Two days!!!

 Just two days until I move to freedom and I am so excited!!!! I can hardly contain my excitement! In just two days I will be able to wake up when I want, have my own breakfast, have my own lunch, go for walks as I please, go to bed when I want to.... So much freedom to look forward to! And just two days!!'

Right now I make my meal plans a week ahead because all of our breakfasts and lunches and dinners are planned out a week ahead. In independent housing I will probably just make my meal plans the night before because that way I can plan what I'm in the mood for. If I wake up and want yogurt and granola I can do that! Or if I want a bagel or toast I can do that too! It will be up to me. I will be accountable for making my food and eating everything I need. I think I can do it :)

Being in independent housing means a lot more responsibility too. There will be no one to keep me from going to the bathroom after meals. There will be no one making sure I'm eating. It will be up to me. And I feel confident that I can hold myself accountable. I will eat because that's what my body needs and because I'm human and deserve to eat. Every person deserves to eat and I am a person so I deserve to eat.

I'm ready!! Bring on the independence!!

A taste of independence

Well, I'm spending the night in independent housing, and I AM SO EXCITED!! A little taste of freedom is so nice and reminder that I will be fully independent in just 5 days!! At the house I am currently living at there are staff members 24 hours a day. In independent housing there is no staff, just clients, and we do everything ourselves. Staff members come to the house to supervise taking medications, and throughout the day there is one to one support, but other than that I am free!! I can go to bed when I want (after medications) I wake up myself (in time for medication) and the rest of the day is up to me. I will go to school, go to groups, go to Petco and volunteer, and I will be in charge of my life. I will still have lots of therapy and groups, but I will have more freedom. And that makes me feel good.

Six months ago I was terrified at the thought of living alone without supervision. I was so afraid that I would go to bed and not wake up, or that I would wake up with cut marks, or that I would start purging again. Now I feel good. I don't feel like I want to hurt myself or that I don't want to be alive. I don't purge after eating and I haven't had that urge for a few weeks now. I haven't cut myself in months, my parts are safe. I am safe. It's taken a lot of work to get here, but I have made it. A taste of freedom and a taste of recovery. I am so grateful that I decided to turn my life around.

Tonight I will be able to relax after I take my medicine, have my snack and take my time enjoying it, take a shower, and go to bed when I want to. I won't have to deal with staff supervision. I am safe. It's up to me to do what I need to. And I'm ready!

I'm just so excited :) Can you tell?? haha
To new beginnings.

Happy 4th of July!

Happy 4th of July!

Independence Day... Independence has been a huge theme in my life. I don't know if I've written about my emancipation; I'll talk a little about it now.

When I was 16 I moved out of my parents house and lived with different families. I went to court and emancipated legally from my parents, to gain more independence. Emancipation is essentially a "divorce" from your parents. Once I emancipated I was able to sign all documents for myself and have all my money. It was a hard process. I had to prove I was working and able to financially support myself, and that I had a place to live. My parents stood in the court room when the judge declared me an emancipated minor. We all cried.

I thought independence would change things. I thought that if I moved out of my parents house and forgot about them that my problems would go away. That my eating would get better...that I would be happy. I thought my life would be so much better being alone. I thought I'd finally be free.

Boy, was I wrong. I started living with different families, but I was really sick and none of the houses worked out. I became very bulimic, binging and purging every day, and spending all my money on food. I was living literally hand to mouth. Everything I owned was piled in my car. I cried all the time. I missed my parents terribly but refused to admit how much I really missed them. I spent nights in my car. I was practically homeless.

It took a year before I got on a plane and flew to New Orleans to live with my grandma. My grandma encouraged me to get back in touch with my parents after over a year. I can't thank my grandma enough for pushing me to get back in contact with them. Without my parents there is no way I could have paid for treatment for my eating disorder. 

I've learned that independence doesn't mean doing things all alone. Independence means doing things yourself but it's OK to ask for help and to get support. People aren't meant to be alone, at least I don't think so. People need love and support. I thought that I was super girl and I didn't need love and support and parents. But I was 16! I desperately needed support and love. I see that now.

I don't have much independence right now; but I am working toward it. I'm working hard to get healthy so I can have my independence back.

And I'm working toward gaining freedom from my eating disorder. Every meal, every bite, is a step toward freedom. I am seeing that I deserve to be free and healthy. Every person deserves to be free.

Happy Independence Day!