A world of triggers

Possible trigger warning...



Today I was working with the kitties at petco. I work with a few other nice ladies, we all love cats, it's a great environment. On the cart, there is a big jar of jelly beans for all the volunteers. One of the volunteers, a woman maybe in her late 20s, said "Give me red and pink jelly beans, I haven't had anything 'bad' in weeks." She then proceeded to tell us she had only eaten 800 calories a day for three weeks. That she was beyond hungry. That she had passed out at the gym the other way. She is a beautiful young woman, and she said "I am grossly overweight." and then talked about what weight she feels most comfortable in. I was thrown off. I didn't know what to say.

I spoke up. I said that eating 800 calories a day is really unhealthy and that she should see a dietician. She said she's been in eating disorder treatment and that she saw a dietician for two years, and that she is restricting so heavily in order to avoid binging and purging. I feel very sad for her. She's a beautiful girl. It gives a hard blow, the reality that people in the world really do struggle with eating. It's not just in treatment, it's everywhere. People really struggle. And it breaks my heart.

I got out my snack; granola bar and string cheese. This girl laughed and said that I'm a "creature of habit" as I bring a string cheese and granola bar with me every week to petco. I find that if I skip snack or even eat it late, I get so hungry and shaky, and being hungry and shaky for me is risky and definitely sets me up to have behaviors like binging or purging. I nibbled on my snack hoping that the other women wouldn't say anything. I tried laughing while she laughed, but the thing is eating still makes me embarrassed. I wish I didn't have to eat in front of people sometimes. I wish I wasn't embarrassed to eat.

I think I handled the situation pretty well. I didn't fall apart or share too much about myself. I was strong with my response that this girl needs help, and I told her that I really am concerned about her health. I hope she gets the help she deserves. Basically, the world is full of triggers. People are triggering. I am learning to handle these everyday interactions. It will just make me a stronger person.

I saw my dietician this afternoon. And guess what? My meal plan is staying the same. No decreases. My body is doing really well on this meal plan. It's a LOT of food. But it's what I need right now. This is what I need. I'm not at my goal weight yet. I will get there. Sigh. Powering through.

Anxiety

I'm feeling anxiety about having to get weighed tomorrow. For the past two days I have followed my meal plan and not counted calories, so I have no idea how many calories I'm eating. I just decided I needed to give up the control and follow the meal plan my dietician has given me. She's promised me that as soon as my meal plan needs to be lowered she will lower it. I just have trouble with the fact that my dietician knows what's happening with my body (specifically my weight) and I don't. I feel like I want to know what's happening with my own body, and handing that responsibility over to my dietician is hard.

So I will step on the scale. And there will be a number. A number I don't know.... And I don't need to know because that number does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It does not change me or make me a bad person. My weight is my gravitational pull on the earth. That's all it is. I am not my weight. I am not a number. So getting weighed should be no biggie.

I feel proud/anxious about the fact that I'm doing the right thing. I am eating, and that is good. But the feelings are mixed.  At times eating feels really wrong. It feels like the opposite of what I need to be doing, even though logically I do know eating is a good thing. I just wish eating didn't have such an effect on me. I'm working on it. Some day those numbers won't matter. None of them. The calories, the weight.. it just won't phase me. I can't wait for that day. I'll get there.

Night snack today... the usual :) Toast with sunflower butter, banana, and hot cocoa. :) Mmmmmm. I deserve to enjoy my food. All people do. YOU DESERVE TO EAT. Never stop fighting. We will get there; baby steps.

Overreaction

Last night, after I was confronted about making an inappropriate comment, I completely fell apart. I sobbed, banged my head, paces, trying to soothe myself but unable to do so. And now that it is morning and I am looking back at the situation, I blew it WAY out of proportion. What I said was a joke, said in passing, and yet when i was confronted my automatic thought was "I am a horrible person."
Well you know what? I'm not a horrible person. I said something that hurt someone's feelings. People say things to me that hurt my feeling all the time! And do I forgive them? YES. I don't hold grudges. Maybe I will explain that what was said hurt my feelings but I don't hate that person, or never want to talk to them again. So I overreacted. And I feel silly. Now my eyes are swollen and puffy from crying and my head hurts. Silly me.

Today I see my dietician. I get weighed (boo) but I feel ok with it. I am ok with how my body looks right now, and if I'm at my healthy weight then that's great!! I am at my goal weight, and I'm ok with it! This has NEVER happened!! I think it's cause to celebrate. Today I also get to play with kittens, which is lots of fun, and then go out to dinner at a diner. I don't know what's on the menu, so I will decide what I'm eating when I see the menu. Eek!! That's scary, but I can make it work.

How are you today? Do you have any rousing plans??

At what point will I see things normally?

So my dietician is out of town.... my weight is being reported to my doctor, who is supposed to call me and let me know whether I need to increase, decrease, or stay the same. Today my meal plan stays the same.

How do I feel about this? Well it means that my weight is probably stable, which is good... I thought I'd gained, I was sure I would need a decrease. That just goes to show that my interpretation of how my body is doing and my guesses about what my weight are kind of off.

At what point will I see things normally? At some point I would hope that I will be able to see my body for what it is, not in a distorted way. Some day I want to be able to read my body and know what it needs.

Snack tonight is toast with almond butter and banana and a tea latte :) mmmm. My favorite snack!
Have you had any good snacks lately?

Wearing clothes that fit

I'm trying something new - and that is wearing clothing that actually fits me properly. When I'm sick, I never buy new clothes, I wear the size that I usually wear when I am healthy... the problem with that is my clothes hang off me and I have to struggle to keep them up. I've gotten used to having big clothes, which is why when I gain and get to my goal weight and my clothes actually FIT, I kind of freak out. I usually resort to wearing baggy sweat pants and sweatshirts because that makes me feel more comfortable. But it's hot. And it's summer... and you know what?? I've been wearing tank tops!!

I'll admit I feel uncomfortable showing off my recovery body. It curvy, but it's also more solid and not sick looking. I am not overweight, I am at a good weight for my body... and even if I was overweight, that would not define me as a person. My weight does NOT define me. Your weight does NOT define you. Weight is a number, it's your gravitational pull toward the earth. Why is something so silly and insignificant such a big deal to people?? I'll admit I'm guilty of completely obsessing over the number on the scale, weighing myself over and over throughout the day. But the more I think about it the sillier I feel. Nobody who is really a friend or who really loves me is going to judge me based on my size. They will love me and care about me because I am kind, and because I am gentle and compassionate. They will accept me because I am funny and at times witty, and they will care about me when I'm happy AND when I'm sad. I don't judge my friends based on their size, so why should they judge me?

That's why I've decided to wear clothes that fit my body. Today I woke up and put on a t-shirt and shorts to wear to play with the kitties, but then I got hot, so I decided to put on a light blue tank top and dark blue skirt. It's an outfit I feel ok in. And you know what... I look a lot more "normal sized" in clothes that fit versus clothes that are boxy and loose. I am healthy. And healthy is a beautiful thing. I'm not in a place yet to say I think I am beautiful, but I will agree when people say that healthy is attractive and it's GOOD to look healthy.

Today I am going to have coffee with my mom. I was mad at her earlier in the week, but I've gotten over that and look forward to seeing her. She doesn't judge me by my size; in fact she's told me that when I am very thin I'm actually really ugly... that hurt of course, but the point is, she thinks I'm much better looking at a higher weight. My mom is womanly shaped, and I think she is beautiful. So if I look like my mom, that's ok. Even a good thing! My friends won't judge, my parents won't judge, and the kitties I work with certainly won't judge me as a person based on my weight. I am sorry I'm repeating myself I just feel the need to assure myself that being healthy is the right thing to be. Sometimes I feel wrong being health... I guess because it's foreign... but I know deep down I am going down the right path.

Healthy = beautiful.
You are beautiful!! Never stop believing in yourself.

Dinner out

Tonight we are having dinner at a restaurant. We get to eat out once a week and it's fun sometimes. Tonight we are at Coco's, which is a diner, and unfortunately I have some bad experience with Coco's. I went through a period of time where I binged and purged on their food so I have some bad memories. But I've eaten here before and been healthy. Tonight I've ordered a veggie burger with sautéed mushrooms, a garden salad, and coffee. Hopefully it will taste good. Trying to focus on just the taste not the calories or nutrition info. Food can taste good and not be a number! I'll admit the thing I ordered is on the "light and fit" menu but some of the other foods are just really high cal and as a result really scary. I'm not ordering the low calorie salad I usually get so I'm taking a step forward I think.

Today I saw my dietician. She's wonderful but I hate that she knows my weight and I don't... And big news! I'm basically at my goal weight! We lowered my meal plan a bit to ease into my goal and I feel glad about that. I guess I had kind of a meltdown about reaching my goal weight (as I know what it is and hence know my weight) but my meltdown was brief and I pulled it together. We ordered sandwiches and got fruit salad and talked and ate under a shady tree. It was nice.

I am not always so positive but there are times when I do feel good at this new weight. I'm stronger and overall just feel better physically. I know I'm doing the right thing even though sometimes it does NOT feel like the right thing. Just got to keep plugging along. Being at my goal weight means many good things are going to start happening, and I hope it's soon!

Choosing recovery is so hard but I'm pretty sure it's worth it. Never stop fighting.