Harder than I thought

Getting back on track has proved to be harder than I thought it would be. Today has not gone well. I desperately want to eat. I am SO hungry. But I have not been allowing myself what I need and I have not been allowing myself to keep things down. I am so disappointed in myself. I need to get out of this hole, this bump in the road. I know I can do it. I'm just frustrated.

Plan:
Tonight I will have a big snack before bed and then get in bed and NOT get up. I need the nutrition. Maybe I will had an ensure. Maybe I will just make sure it's a big snack.

I will make my meal plan for tomorrow. It will be what I need.

Tomorrow I will FOLLOW my meal plan. No exceptions. Anything I don't keep down or do not eat will be substituted with an ensure (need to remember to get more of those).

Stay out of the bathroom and around people tomorrow.

I can do this. I know I can.
Game time.

Breakfast and snack :)

I have gotten really creative with my meals that I prepare for myself. This morning for breakfast I had a nutella strawberry tortilla and it was so delicious. The nutella got warm and melty and the strawberries got really sweet... it was so good I could have had another one! Then for snack my  new favorite thing to eat is fiber cereal with applesauce. It makes the cereal sweet and refreshing.

I saw my therapist this morning and actually didn't cry! We talked about why I can't have a mirror yet.... my therapists are just very overprotective of me haha. They want me to do well and think that having a full length mirror could be triggering so they are keeping it for now. If I continue to show that I am doing well I will get the mirror back. For now I have to use the little bathroom mirror... oh well.

I have had quite a bit of coffee this morning but I still feel really tired... maybe I'll rest a while before I start up on all my chores... on the other hand maybe I'll just get them done now :)

Have a lovely day!

Anxiety

I'm feeling anxiety about having to get weighed tomorrow. For the past two days I have followed my meal plan and not counted calories, so I have no idea how many calories I'm eating. I just decided I needed to give up the control and follow the meal plan my dietician has given me. She's promised me that as soon as my meal plan needs to be lowered she will lower it. I just have trouble with the fact that my dietician knows what's happening with my body (specifically my weight) and I don't. I feel like I want to know what's happening with my own body, and handing that responsibility over to my dietician is hard.

So I will step on the scale. And there will be a number. A number I don't know.... And I don't need to know because that number does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It does not change me or make me a bad person. My weight is my gravitational pull on the earth. That's all it is. I am not my weight. I am not a number. So getting weighed should be no biggie.

I feel proud/anxious about the fact that I'm doing the right thing. I am eating, and that is good. But the feelings are mixed.  At times eating feels really wrong. It feels like the opposite of what I need to be doing, even though logically I do know eating is a good thing. I just wish eating didn't have such an effect on me. I'm working on it. Some day those numbers won't matter. None of them. The calories, the weight.. it just won't phase me. I can't wait for that day. I'll get there.

Night snack today... the usual :) Toast with sunflower butter, banana, and hot cocoa. :) Mmmmmm. I deserve to enjoy my food. All people do. YOU DESERVE TO EAT. Never stop fighting. We will get there; baby steps.

Snack

Big night snack today as I was missing a few things today on my meal plan.

Toast with banana, peanut butter, and honey, a peach, and warm soy milk.

What are you having for snack?

Night snack

Toast with almond butter, honey and banana, and a tea latte. :)

What are you having for snack?

My night snack

Today I made brownies! For my snack tonight I have a brownie, banana, soy tea latte, and carrots: 

What are you having for snack?

A treat :)

Tonight I am having frozen yogurt as my night snack, and I'm excited because it's going to taste delicious.

Vanilla, strawberry, and blueberry yogurt with banana and almonds :) mmmmmm. It's ok for food to taste good! And it's ok to enjoy what you eat. 

My delicious night snack

I like to enjoy a delicious night snack before bed. In the past I've been so uncomfortable by the end of the day I've just drank and ensure, and that's what I did last night. Old pattern and not a behavior I want to pick up again!

So tonight I am making my favorite delicious night snack and I am going to enjoy every bite. Because I deserve it. Because I am a human who deserves to eat.

Snack: two slices of toast with Nutella and banana, trail mix (I missed some fats earlier today), and hot chocolate! 

At what point will I see things normally?

So my dietician is out of town.... my weight is being reported to my doctor, who is supposed to call me and let me know whether I need to increase, decrease, or stay the same. Today my meal plan stays the same.

How do I feel about this? Well it means that my weight is probably stable, which is good... I thought I'd gained, I was sure I would need a decrease. That just goes to show that my interpretation of how my body is doing and my guesses about what my weight are kind of off.

At what point will I see things normally? At some point I would hope that I will be able to see my body for what it is, not in a distorted way. Some day I want to be able to read my body and know what it needs.

Snack tonight is toast with almond butter and banana and a tea latte :) mmmm. My favorite snack!
Have you had any good snacks lately?

Just a bit of running...

It's amazing what a little exercise can do to boost your spirits!
Tonight I went for a brisk walk around the lake nearby, and I'll admit, even though I'm not supposed to, I sprinted for a few minutes. And it felt AMAZING. It was only a few minutes, but now I feel so refreshed and the endorphins are definitely flowing! I am a little out of breath from the brisk walk, but I feel good.

On the other hand, when I walked in the door my new roommate confronted me... she said I was acting hostile toward her and was upset. Really? I've NEVER in my whole life been described as hostile. Maybe shy or quiet or to myself, but never been hostile. I feel horrible. I don't know if another one of my parts was out and said something or whether this housemate read into my body language or something like that, but I feel terrible! The LAST thing I want to do is be mean or rude or hostile to someone new in the house. It just doesn't seem like something I would say or do... talk meanly under my breath, make snide remarks.... just doesn't seem like me. Maybe I don't know "me" that well :/

Moving onward and being as nice as possible I guess, is the only way I can make things better. I have to show this new roommate that I'm not hostile or mean or that I, for some reason, dislike her.

Going to treat myself to 4 Oreo cookies for snack tonight, with hot chocolate and a banana with almond butter. Mmmmm. I've been craving chocolate for some reason, so hopefully this will hit the spot... if I'm really craving chocolate I could even swap out the almond butter for nutella! Haha! I have a chocolate bar (2 actually, my mom brought me one from See's) so I can have a piece of that. I deserve to eat things that taste good. Chocolate is healthy anyway :) Lots of antioxidants.

What are your favorite treats?

Snack time!

I decided to treat myself for snack tonight so I walked to the yogurt shop and got myself coconut and strawberry. Mmmmm. I keep telling myself I deserve a treat! 

Added fresh banana on top. Delicious!!! :)

My delicious snack!

I decided to treat myself to a frozen yogurt tonight . It's something I used to love and am starting to love again! Cake batter and coconut :) yumm!!!!

Glad the day is over

I'm glad. Glad that tomorrow is a new beginning.

I don't feel very positive or successful tonight. I feel lousy. 

Still have to eat night snack, which should be delicious but I'm so full and bloated.

I won't repeat myself. Sometimes when I have these days I wish I could end everything. But then I think or the possible good things to come and that keeps me going. 

Snack: Oreos, plums, almonds butter, and soy milk. Here's the proof!!

Night snack!

Delicious :)

Toast with almond butter, Nutella, banana and hot coco!! 

Night snack

It's been a long day... Intense therapy in the morning and then the lovely interaction at group in the afternoon. So we are all exhausted and ready to shut down for the night.

But first... It's snack time!! And you'll never guess what's on the menu. 

OREOS 

Crazy right? I'm allowing myself to enjoy 4 Oreos with soy milk and a banana with almond butter. I haven't had Oreos in forever it seems. I was never allowed to eat them as a kid. They aren't the healthiest food in the world but that's ok. I can have a few Oreos and enjoy them! It's completely normal! I've been craving chocolate so this will be a really nice treat.

And then bed. Because we are exhausted.