From the airplane

The last time I was on a plane I was in a much different place than I’m in now. I had flown, just a few weeks before, from New Orleans to Arizona to get treatment for my eating disorder at Rosewood Ranch. I was at a very low weight, I was dissociative and suicidal… I was all over the place. I knew that I would die if I didn’t get into treatment, so I took a plane across the country hoping I’d get the help I needed. Unfortunately, Rosewood Ranch couldn’t help me and my parts. I kept switching to younger alters, and some of my alters who were suicidal tried to harm my body with scissors and cactuses, and I managed to steal a pair of scissors. I ate ok and gained some weight, but I was too unsafe not to be in a locked facility. So the therapist I was working with told me I’d be flying to another program in Los Angeles. I didn’t know what to think, I was so confused and scared.

The last airplane ride was from Rosewood to the program in LA, which turned out to be the worst treatment experience of my life. While I was in that program I lost tons of weight and was put on tube feeding for several weeks. I got sicker than ever before. I was so thin and fragile and was self harming every day. I planned to go back to New Orleans, but my parents made it clear that if I returned to New Orleans I would no longer have their support financially.  I couldn’t work and needed the health insurance, so I went home with my mom. I ended up in the hospital the next day with heart problems, and I was very very sick.

And here I am. At a healthy weight, on my way to visit my grandma and my friend and my kitty. It’s been a REALLY long few years. Weight going up and down, suicide attempts, hospital stays. I’ve been a mess. But I am finally getting better. I’m closer to recovery now than I’ve ever been. I can taste it, I actually believe that some day I can be free from this insanity that is an eating disorder and other mental illness. I am stronger and safer than ever before. I am determined. I am fighting.

I am hoping to have an awesome trip. Food may be tricky with my grandma, as she can be pushy with food and makes TERRIBLE food. Really. It’s not just me. Her cooking is AWFUL. But I will make it work. She said we could go grocery shopping, so we will do that. I am determined to prove I can spend a week on my own and be successful. I can do this.

I’m on my way!!!!