rambling

My grandma made a comment yesterday. She said “You’re not skinny anymore.” At first that comment really stung. It hurt. But I thought about it. I’m not skinny anymore. I’m strong and healthy and happy for the most part. When I was skinny what else was I? A shell of the person that I am. Skinny but miserable. Skinny but lost. Skinny but nothing else.

Now I am healthy and healthy is wonderful! I can walk and run and dance. I think about things OTHER than food. I enjoy waking up in the morning, I love my walks throughout the day, I look forward to my oatmeal at the end of the day. I wake up happy to be alive. I’m not skinny. I’m much more than being skinny. I’m alive.

People will make hurtful comments. But my grandma didn’t say that to make me upset. She said It because I WAS too thin and I WAS unhealthy. I was a size 0. But I was sickly. I was skin and bones. I was unhappy. I sucked the life out of everyone. Now I contribute to the world. I bring people joy instead of draining it out of them. I am living and I am a positive ray of energy.

So I’m not skinny anymore. SO WHAT??? Because really where did skinny get me? NOWHERE.

I found out today on Facebook that one of the horrible treatment centers I went to shut down. That program, Pacific Shores Hospital, left me sicker than ever before. I lost weight, I was tube fed… I was a mess. It is such a relief that they will no longer be mistreating more clients. It was a truly horrible place and I am SO glad it has shut down.

On my way home. It was a good trip, but I am VERY happy to be headed back to San Diego. It’s nice having somewhere to call home… somewhere I am actually happy to return to. I want my bed and my rats and my kitchen. I am going home.

Things are good. I’m very grateful. And I will be back in NOLA in June for my friend’s wedding. All good things. Slowly but surely things are falling into place. Baby steps.