Food thoughts

I'm on vacation and out of my usual routine with food so I have to be flexible. And I'll admit it's hard. I did go grocery shopping to get some basic provisions but in general I'm having to step out of my comfort zone. And that's ok! I am eating. I'm really hungry so probably not eating enough to be honest. I will have my dinner soon and eat what I'm comfortable with. Maybe an omelette and baked potato, that's what I'm thinking. Something yummy and substantial and not my grandmas nasty cooking. Her food is AWFUL!! She made a Turkey breast today. It's overdone. And I don't eat turkey anymore. So I'm trying to avoid it. I'll see how long that lasts.

I know I need to listen to my hunger. I can trust my hunger. But that still scares me sometimes. Am I really hungry or is it my medications? Is it my mind? Is it anxiety? Sometimes I just don't know. But I do know. My stomach is growling and that means I'm hungry. I had a snack... Berries and carrot cake but it probably wasn't enough. I have to probe I can do this on my own... That I can go over my comfort zone. I can do this. Eating is essential. I will eat.

Off to make some dinner! I've already adjusted to the time zone change so it's dinner time! 

Happy eating :)

From the airplane

The last time I was on a plane I was in a much different place than I’m in now. I had flown, just a few weeks before, from New Orleans to Arizona to get treatment for my eating disorder at Rosewood Ranch. I was at a very low weight, I was dissociative and suicidal… I was all over the place. I knew that I would die if I didn’t get into treatment, so I took a plane across the country hoping I’d get the help I needed. Unfortunately, Rosewood Ranch couldn’t help me and my parts. I kept switching to younger alters, and some of my alters who were suicidal tried to harm my body with scissors and cactuses, and I managed to steal a pair of scissors. I ate ok and gained some weight, but I was too unsafe not to be in a locked facility. So the therapist I was working with told me I’d be flying to another program in Los Angeles. I didn’t know what to think, I was so confused and scared.

The last airplane ride was from Rosewood to the program in LA, which turned out to be the worst treatment experience of my life. While I was in that program I lost tons of weight and was put on tube feeding for several weeks. I got sicker than ever before. I was so thin and fragile and was self harming every day. I planned to go back to New Orleans, but my parents made it clear that if I returned to New Orleans I would no longer have their support financially.  I couldn’t work and needed the health insurance, so I went home with my mom. I ended up in the hospital the next day with heart problems, and I was very very sick.

And here I am. At a healthy weight, on my way to visit my grandma and my friend and my kitty. It’s been a REALLY long few years. Weight going up and down, suicide attempts, hospital stays. I’ve been a mess. But I am finally getting better. I’m closer to recovery now than I’ve ever been. I can taste it, I actually believe that some day I can be free from this insanity that is an eating disorder and other mental illness. I am stronger and safer than ever before. I am determined. I am fighting.

I am hoping to have an awesome trip. Food may be tricky with my grandma, as she can be pushy with food and makes TERRIBLE food. Really. It’s not just me. Her cooking is AWFUL. But I will make it work. She said we could go grocery shopping, so we will do that. I am determined to prove I can spend a week on my own and be successful. I can do this.

I’m on my way!!!!

Selfies

I have taken a few selfies lately. I was curious about how my body looks in photos, and the restul has been pretty shocking! It's clear that I am not seeing my body properly in the mirror… because the pictures show a person who looks different than what I see. It is curious to me, how distorted my brain can make things. Crazy brain. 

I am not going to post any of the selfies on here.. unless you are desperate to see them… becasue I don't feel that comfortable showing off my body to the world. I know other people show many pictures of themselves on blogs. I just don't feel that comfortable with it. So I won't be posting any of the pictures. But I did take them. 

Going to have dinner in a few minutes, and then maybe watch a movie tonight. I've started watching House again, so I'll probably watch that. It's a good show.. entertaining. 

It's rainy and gloomy here… hope you are all staying dry/warm!

Keep fighting

Recovery is hard. I think trying to get into recovery is one of, if not the, hardest things I have ever done.  Every step of the way I've wanted to give up. I didn't want to gain weight. I didn't want to eat enough. I didn't want to drink water. I accepted that I would constantly be dizzy… that my clothes would be too big.. that I was shrinking into nothing. I felt comfortable in the sick role. It was familiar to me. I was the screw up and that's how it would always be. Well now I know differently. 

Recovery is SUPER scary. You have to soar far out of your comfort zone. Eating a little more, until you are actually satisfied. Drinking enough water to get your blood pressure up. Not over exercising. Being honest. Not sneaking around and purging after meals. Distracting through the agony that is the first phase of starting to eat again. And the first few weeks are pure hell. Swelling, bloating, feeling constantly sick.. but you can get past that stage into a new place where you actually feel GOOD. It takes a few weeks, yes, but it's worth the agony I promise. If you are struggling, take the risk…. get into recovery. I guarantee it's worth it. Not easy, but so worth it. 

What did I tell myself to get past the first weeks of hell? I told myself I just couldn't be sick anymore. I told myself I had no option but to get into recovery. If I continued on the path I was going a few months, I would have ended up in the hospital surely, and if I kept purging and harming myself I could have not survived. The reality is that eating disorders are deadly. If you keep restricting and purging and binging and self harming, you aren't going to live a long life, and it's going to be miserable. You have to tell yourself there just isn't another option. You have to get better. You have to keep fighting. 

I fight every day to do the right thing, and sometimes I mess up. But I don't allow those slips to unravel me. I think about what happened and I move forward. And overall I am doing well. I am closer to recovery than I've ever been… I feel it just within reach. Recovery is just within reach, and I am GOING to get there. I know I can. I've been sick for too long. It's time to make a change. 

I have to ACCEPT my new body, and no it's not teeny tiny. I am a curvy young woman, and that is ok. I have given up calorie counting… and I've given up excessive exercise. I am not purging or binging. I am eating my meals and snacks until I am satisfied. I'm doing this. Every day is a battle. In fact every meal is a battle. But I'm doing it. 

You can get into recovery. Take that leap of faith. 

Keep fighting.

Recovery

For a long time I was unsure about recovery. I wanted it but didn't want to gain the weight, didn't want to just eat, didn't want to stop purging. I wanted to be fragile, I wanted to continue with the lies and the secrets. And then something clicked a few months ago. It took another slip a few weeks ago for me to realize... I WANT RECOVERY!!!!

And here I am. I think I'm closer to being in recovery right now than I've ever been. Really! I am healthier now than I've been in forever. I'm eating intuitively for the first time in 5 years. I'm not purging but when I have small slips I pick myself up and keep going forward. I'm at a healthy weight, I've stopped counting calories... I'm drinking enough and have a balanced diet. Food tastes good and I can ADMIT that food tastes good. I can be ok with being hungry, not ashamed. I am confident that I'm eating what my body needs. And sometimes, just sometimes, I am ok with my body. More often than ever, in fact, I am ok with how I look. 

Recovery is scary because it's sooooo different from being sick. I've been sick for so long that being sick feels normal. Being sick is comfortable. Recovery requires me to go wayyyy outside of my comfort zone, every day, every meal, every moment. Fighting to do what's right when being sick is SOOO much easier. But I'm doing it. I'm fighting.

A year ago I was in a good place with my eating.. Although I was strictly following s meal plan. But I had one slip up with ourging and entered a rapid downward spiral. And I was not taking care of my parts. My sweet little parts who need love and attention, and my difficult, at times, see parts who are angsty and also need love. This year I'm taking care of all my parts. Making them feel like they matter. And because I'm doing that we are all healthier.

Recovery is hard. Really hard. But it's worth it because recovery is better than being sick. That I'm sure of. I'm on my way to health. Real, true, 100% healthy I KNOW I can get there. I can and will get there.

Never EVER stop fighting friends! Let's make 2015 the healthiest year yet!

Peace and love 

Abbi

Trusting my body

Today has been another weird day with food. We had a big community meeting from 12:30-2:00, right in the middle of lunch time! Annoying right? I think yes. I packed a sandwich with me to eat after the meeting, but I didn't get a chance to eat until 3:00. I was STARVING by the time I could eat. I had my sandwich, two cuties oranges, and a caramel machiatto at starbucks (which is my favorite drink right now) and then I was still hungry. So when I got home, I had an apple with a little peanut butter. I feel satisfied now, and will be ready for dinner out (sushi) at 6.

I have had to be flexible with my eating schedule, and that is ok. My hunger is real, and I need to TRUST my body when it says I need more food. My hunger is genuine and I need to listen to my stomach when it's growling. Being hungry is NOT a weakness. It is normal. And when you don't eat all day you're going to be hungry!! By 3:00 i was SO hungry, and being hungry like that is a danger for me because it sets me up to binge. So I ate. And then ate a little more. And that's ok. In fact it's good! I am listening to the hunger signals!!

This is a big step for me. I am so afraid of listening to my hunger. But I'm doing it now. I'm eating intuitively and I thought I'd never do that! No more meal planning, no more crazy measuring, just eating. And that feels good.

Listen to and trust your body. IT'S OK.

Relief

This morning I met with my dietician early. We had breakfast together, which is always nice. I got weighed and I was SO afraid that I've been gaining and she told me no, that I'm actually in a downward trend. This was shocking to me as I was certain I've been gaining. I guess I'm relieved. I'm not eating too much. In fact, I could stand to eat a bit more. I need to add more fat to my diet so that I'm not so hungry all the time, and I need to add to my snacks.

I have a few goals… whole eggs instead of just egg whites… adding more to snacks…eating more fat… I can do this I know I can! License to eat a bit more I guess. I know I shouldn't be relieved about my weight being down but I am. It means that I truly CAN trust my hunger signals. If I'm still hungry, I should eat. Not drown myself in tea and coffee… actually eat!

I am leaving for New Orleans in less than 2 weeks!! EEEEK!!!! I will have to be proactive about food while I am gone. First I need to make sure I pack food for the airplane, and then I will go grocery shopping with my grandma when I get there. I will continue eating what I need, and make sure I stay healthy while I am away. Traveling can be pretty draining, so I will make sure to get in enough.

Recovery is full of challenges. But when you are in it recovery is SO rewarding. I would say I am closer to recovery right now than I've ever been and that is really exciting. I think I can get to that place, where I am really truly healthy. I am working so hard to get there.

Keep fighting!

One day won't ruin things

I'm I have this idea that one day of eating a little more (like yesterday) is going to impact my weight. All day I felt "bigger" and I think it's all due to my thinking process. I ate cake yesterday, it was delicious, and that's okay!!! Food is energy and cake is four, sugar, egg... All things that are ok for the body. In fact they are good for you! One day of eating cake is NOT going to affect your weight. 

Tonight I plan to make cookies for my housemates :) sugar cookies! I have all the ingredients and it will be fun to have something to do. Cookies are not bad they are delicious. Everyone deserves cookies sometimes.

One day won't make a difference I promise. I have to keep telling myself this. I am ok. Cake is good. Not bad.

Game Plan

I just met with my dietician and it went well. Had lunch, chatted about my week… and what we decided is that what I am eating is still restrictive. I am not eating enough to be satisfied, and am as a result setting myself up to have mini "binges" at night.

So game plan: NO restricting

I need to eat until I feel satisfied, and I need to eat a little more. It makes sense that I am bingy at night because I just haven't eaten enough throughout the day! It's simple. I need to eat a bit more throughout the day to stay healthy. My weight is fine. My clothes still fit. I feel, at least sometimes, comfortable in my body and I am no longer bloated or swollen. I am getting healthy, and this, not restricting, is another step toward 100% health.

Second goal: NO MORE calorie counting

I count calories obsessively both in my head and on my phone calculator. I've tried to delete the calculator app but it is stuck on my phone. Game plan: mess myself up while counting! Throw out random numbers to throw myself off track. Sing instead of count. Hum to myself distract…. calorie counting is totally, 100% unproductive. Waste of time. Stupid. Dumb. Unneeded. I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power not to count anymore.

This weekend is my birthday… and for my birthday I am going to eat cake!! My mom asked what kind of cake I want and I said carrot cake, as it's my favorite. With cream cheese frosting. I deserve to eat a piece of cake for my birthday. One piece of cake will NOT cause me to gain weight, explode, blow up… nope. It's cake, and I'm going to have some.

Lots of goals. I feel confident that I can stop restricting and start eating 100% what my body needs. I also am confident that I will be successful on my New Orleans trip with eating. My grandma can be challenging when it comes to food…. but I will go grocery shopping with her and it will be ok! I can do this!!! It's really really hard but I can do this.

Moving forward!!

Dinner and 3rd night of Hanukkah

Tonight is the 3rd night of Hanukkah, and I am such a lucky girl :) I got some hair bands as a sweet gift from my parents and sister. I lit the candles with one of my friends who is Jewish, which is nice because I didn't want to light the candles all alone! It is nice sharing traditions with people. Today was an ok day. Therapy in the morning, which went pretty well, and then groups in the afternoon. One of the groups which is peer led was really intense today. I got pretty scared of some new clients and switched to another part.. but it was ok. Then I had treatment group which is a two hour group every Thursday. Boring. But ok. I'll say it again… I am TIRED of therapy. 

Then I came home and made dinner, which was simple but ended up really delicious! Pesto Caprese grilled cheese. I'll admit is was a challenging meal and I only had about half a sandwich, but I recommend the recipe! Really tasty! I loved the pesto and mozarella… kind of like pizza I guess. 

Here's the recipe if you're interested in trying!!

Looking forward to a delicious night snack :) Have a lovely evening!

Pesto Caprese Grilled Cheese

 

Print

Author: Audra

Ingredients

• bread
• butter, softened
• classic basil pesto
• grated mozzarella cheese
• sliced garden tomatoes

 

Instructions

1. Completely butter one side of each slice of bread.
2. Then spread pesto on the opposite side of each slice.
3. Next heat pan or griddle over medium heat.
4. Place one slice of bread on the griddle buttered side down.
5. Next layer with fresh grated mozzarella, garden sliced tomatoes, and top with a little more cheese.
6. Now add the remaining slice of bread, butter side up! Adjust heat as needed, and cook until golden brown, about 2-4 minutes.
7. Then flip and cook until golden brown on the other side, about 2-4 minutes.
8. Enjoy!

Body confidence

Today I feel good in my body. It's a weird feeling, actually being satisfied with how I look… and you know what?? It's AMAZING! I feel so free, light a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know this feeling probably won't last, but while I feel good I'm going to soak in all the goodness!! I wear clothes that flatter me, I don't have to hide my body. I am allowed to feel good in my body.

And YOU are allowed to feel good in your body. If you are having a body confident day, embrace it!! Don't feel like you're being vain or selfish. It is OK to feel good about how you look. You can embrace the positivity and hold it in your mind. Absorb it all and save if for the days when you feel crummy. It is OK to feel good. It really is.

I thought about taking some pictures of myself, but I'm not really into that. I could show off pictures of my body, but I don't feel right about it. My body is mine. I can feel good about my body and that's ok :) Being body confident is a GOOD thing. Embrace it.

I hope the rest of my day goes well. Going to have lunch in a few minutes.
Sending positivity :)

Uncertainty

The thing about eating intuitively is that there is some uncertainty… not knowing exactly what I've eaten today, or knowing the exchanges I've covered, is pretty scary. But I'm doing it. I'm eating, I'm not counting, I am listening to my body and deciding what to eat based on what tastes good and what I'm craving. I am starting to trust my body. I trust that even if I eat a little more than I need, or even if I eat a little less, my body will even everything out .Eating isn't perfect, it isn't a science, it's natural and changing. I can trust my body knows what to do.

I guess I have a fear… what if my intuitive eating means I'm eating too much? Will my dietician tell me to eat less? She told me she wanted me to have fuller, less "diet like" meals. I was eating very bare bones meals of sandwiches with no spreads or toppings and fruits and vegetables. I've been trying to change that and eat real, substantial meals. For lunch I had a sandwich, but I added avocado. That is more normal than eating just a plain sandwich. It is OK to enjoy your food. I am learning how to enjoy food. Even when I'm not really hungry I know I need to eat, and if I'm going to eat I might as well eat food that tastes good! I never used to want to admit that I liked the taste of food.. but I'll admit is now! I love chocolate and ice cream and sweets. I like some fried foods. I like some candy. And that is ok.

Food today so far:
Breakfast: Blueberry, mango, raspberry bran muffin, Greek yogurt with blueberries, raspberries, and pumpkin seeds, coffee with lots of soy milk

Snack: Strawberries and cream oatmeal with raspberries

Lunch: Avocado and veggie sandwich, a pear, and a handful of carrots

Snack: Homemade chai tea latte and an apple

I'm not counting so I don't know how many calories I've had. I'm hoping it's enough. Tonight at dinner my housemate is making chicken so I will have a vegetarian Chik patty, and I will eat rice or pasta or whatever he makes and veggies. I have been avoiding starches at dinner, but I know I need a complete, balanced meal. So I will eat the pasta or rice and be ok with it. I don't know why I have this fear of carbs, but it needs to stop and the only way to overcome the fear is to face it head on. So that's what I'm doing.

I am eating intuitively, I am doing it!! After 5 years of meal planning I am doing this. I feel strong and confident in my ability to just eat, even though my hunger signals are still out of whack. But I am conquering!!

If I can do it so can you. Go recovery!!!!

Experiment!

So this morning I saw my dietician. My weight is fine, I could in fact be eating a little more. And we came to a decision… I am going to try two days without meal planning the night before!! This means eating what I am craving, listening to my hunger and fullness signals, and eating normally!! I am so excited!! I have meal planned every single day for years. Being able to eat what I feel will be awesome. I am hoping it goes well! I am also going to stop calorie counting (I am determined) and I am going to eat my food without measuring. So many big changes and I am thrilled!! All I want more than anything is to be a normal eater and that is what I am going to do. Eat what I want, when I want. I have to naturally eat a little more than I would initially decide to eat so I get in enough, but I can do this! I can!!

This morning I am going to petco. I'm taking the bus there for the first time, so that will be interesting. Unfortunately it is POURING rain, so I will have to walk to the bus stop in the rain. Luckily I have an umbrella now. Then we have a program talent show, where I will be performing with an improv group and singing a couple songs. It will be a pretty sad show, but it's ok. Hopefully it will be fun.

I've waited so long to be a normal eater and now I have the chance to do that. Wish me luck!!

Feeling healthy

I've noticed, especially tonight, that I'm not as bloated as I've been previous nights. It feels really good… and the funny thing is I've increased my calories a bit! It goes to show how important nutrition is and how your body responds to getting enough energy. I am getting enough nutrition and my body is responding, and that feels awesome!! I am thrilled that my body has finally adjusted to eating again.

Tomorrow I see my dietician bright and early for breakfast session. I don't want to get weighed… I'm afraid of what the result will be.. but at the same time I feel ok. My clothes fit, bloating is down, I'm pretty comfortable with my body, so who cares what the number is?? Part of me is afraid to get a calorie decrease. I'm afraid I'd feel deprived or bingy. I don't want a lower meal plan.. but I also don't want to soar into a weight range that I'm uncomfortable with. I trust my dietician will adjust my meal plan accordingly to keep me healthy. She keeps herself healthy so why would she want me to be unhealthy??

We are eating breakfast together, and I have it all planned out already. English muffin with cream cheese (I found pumpkin spice cream cheese in the 99 cent store and it's delicious!! Tastes like pumpkin pie) and yogurt with a little granola and berries, and coffee with soy milk. It will be tasty and I will have support, so I might as well pack something substantial.

Eating is hard. But being sick is harder. Eating sucks sometimes. But eating can also be enjoyable. I hope to find peace and balance with food and my body. To eat healthily and intuitively and to feel ok. To listen to my body and hunger signals. Some day I will be able to do all these things. Some day.

Hope you have a lovely night.
Peace <3

Trying to move forward

I'm not fully recovered. But I'm not fully sick. I am somewhere in between healthy and unhealthy and it feels like I'm kind of in limbo. I'm uncomfortable in my body. My thoughts are still pretty black and white and at times irrational. But I am trying hard. I am fighting. I still have the negative thoughts but now a days I can fight them. I just and SO desperate to get to the next step in recovery… FULLY recovered. 

I'm trying to get there. I really am. I'm eating, I'm not purging, I'm not overexercising. I'm at a healthy weight. But I'm not 100% recovered. How to get there…. well I assume it will take time. I will continue to eat and feed my body and listen to my hunger. I will eventually not feel so guilty about being hungry and listening to my body. When I'm recovered being hungry won't scare me anymore. I will be OK with listening to my hunger signals and following them. When I'm recovered I won't want to purge anymore or run to compensate for eating. Some day I will be free. 

I am fighting harder than ever, and yet it seems I'm stuck in a partially recovered state. All I want is to get over this hump, to get over this halfway stage and enter full recovery. I think I can get there. It just seems SO far away. 

I WILL get there. I won't be sick forever. I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm sick of being sick! It's time to move to that next step. To move forward. I can do this.

Listening to hunger

I have found that past couple days that I've been really hungry. And that is scary for me. If I allow myself to get too hungry it most definitely sets me up to binge, and I do NOT want that to happen. So what do you do with hunger? EAT.

This is a hard concept for me.  A lot of times when  I'm still hungry after eating I am frustrated and annoyed. I shouldn't be hungry… I should be full… etc. But it's OK to be hungry. It's your body telling you that you need more nutrition and more energy, and that is ok.

Of course you need to pay attention to whether you are physically hungry or emotionally hungry. If you are physically hungry (stomach growling, headache, shaky, etc) then you need to eat! It is important not to set yourself up to binge. If you are emotionally hungry (trying to fill a void or numb out with food) maybe it's better to distract and do something soothing for yourself. For me I have a really hard time deciphering what's emotional hunger and what is physical hunger. But I am pretty sure that the past few days it's been physical hunger; stomach growling, headache.

So basically it's OK to be hungry. It is not a weakness or a problem, it is ok. If you are hungry, then you should eat! And not something like carrots or celery (this is a problem of mine) grab a handful of nuts, a piece of fruit, peanut butter. Something substantial. LISTEN to your body. It knows what you need.

This morning I am playing with kitties again, and then resting, and then a holiday pizza party. Trying to tell myself it's ok to eat pizza. I definitely struggle with allowing myself to eat things like pizza.

Happy Saturday!

Happy Wednesday

Hello, and Happy Wednesday! Half way through the week! This morning I am going to school and then I get to pick my classes and sign up for next semester! Last time I signed up for classes it was really stressful because the internet was SOOOO slow and jam packed. So I'm hoping today will be better. I will be taking two classes in psychology and one child development course. I'm pretty excited for next semester.

It's a rainy, gloomy, ugly day. And my warm boots are still soaking wet from last night. I wish I had better rain-wear but I don't. I just have to suck it up haha. Hopefully I won't have to walk in pouring rain like I did last night.

Eating is going well. For breakfast I packed an egg sandwich, Greek yogurt with peaches, and coffee with soy milk. It's my favorite breakfast right now. I love egg whites. I know I should probably use the whole egg, but for now I feel comfortable with the whites. It's a good source of protein.. but I should probably get over my "fear" of real eggs. My coffee this morning is not satisfying as it has only one sweetener. But I am trying really hard to tame my tastebuds and get used to things that aren't as sweet. I am determined to follow through with this experiment!

Today is also family therapy. I am quite nervous. I wasn't in therapy last week so I don't know what my parents and sister talked about. I have a lot of work to do in there and sometimes all I want to do is shut down. I'm going to try to stay present and keep myself together. I'll update about family therapy later.

Have a lovely Wednesday!

Hard morning

I've had a hard morning/afternoon. I went into my therapists office only for her to tell me I can't go on my trip in two weeks: I am so disappointed. But I rescheduled for January. I'm still going! Just have to wait a little longer :( bummed. It's ok and this is not a punishment. Just my team looking out for me. I think at least.

Then I had a doctor appointment with s doctor I love very much. But I saw her with another client I know who is not in a very good place. This is the girl who was so triggering to me several weeks ago. She came out of my doctor's office all weak and dizzy and all i could think was that my doctor won't care about me anymore. I wanted to just get up and leave and not see my doctor. But I waited for her and cried and told her I was afraid she wouldn't care about me anymore: she assured me that isn't the case and that she cares about me very much. I believe her. I just get so jealous and compare myself sometimes. It's something I'm working on... Comparing mysf to others and feeling I won't be cared about anymore. I have room in my heart for many people and so do my therapists/doctors. Another client with similar issues won't make me less important. I'm so hard on myself :(

Back home now and I just had lunch. I'm ok. Just sad. And the friend who's not doing well...I just need to give her space: she needs to make the decision to be healthy herself. It's not up to me to make sure she eats. That's her job. And if she's not ready to be healthy I need to set boundaries to keep myself safe. Makes me sad though.

Plugging along. Sadness will no defeat me.

Grateful

Today I am beyond grateful to be in recovery. I feel better than I have in weeks. Waking up this morning I felt refreshed and renewed and ready to start the day. I had breakfast and didn't feel like eating more after or purging. The thought didn't even cross my mind. I had snack. And now I'm still a little hungry so I will eat lunch when I get home. Being in recovery is a beautiful thing. I have taken precautions. I don't bring my wallet to school anymore so I can't buy soda or binge food. But I think even if I had my money I would be ok! I am so grateful that I am feeling healthy. Healthy is beautiful.

It's a new month and I'm going to work hard to end the year strong. This year has been crazy... But I'm alive and stronger than ever. Ending a semester of school, eating, living, thriving... Couldn't ask for much more. 

So grateful.

My body has adjusted!!!

 It always takes a few days to normalize after not eating well for a few weeks. It's really uncomfortable. I had about 4 weeks of eating poorly. And then I started eating again. And that process is miserable!! I got swollen in my stomach and legs, my clothes were tight, I was sooooo uncomfortable. But I'm proud to say, after about a week of no purging, my body has adjusted!! I woke up this morning not bloated and swollen which feels amazing! I am so relieved! My body has adjusted to eating again. This wlll make life so much easier.

School today. I'm waiting for the bus currently. I have my coffee (with only one stevia) and an English muffin sandwich and greek yogurt with peaches. Mmmmm. Healthy and nutritious! I am feeling more confident and more healthy every day. Only two weeks until my trip to New Orleans!! And only 2 weeks left of classes then a long break!! All good things!!

My goal for the week is to continue on my path to health. Eat, rest, complete some school projects.. I've got this.

Happy Monday!