Choosing to be healthy

Every time I've tried to recover from my eating disorder it's been under medical supervision and under people who were "making" me, or encouraging me to eat. It wasn't me choosing to eat... being in whatever program or hospital meant that I HAD to eat. That I didn't have a choice. But this time, my recovery is different. I had some support around meals. But there was nobody serving me my food. Nobody checking my meal plan. Nobody watching what I was taking in. This time around I CHOSE to follow my meal plan, 100%. I chose to stop purging and earned the privilege of using the bathroom without asking permission back. I gained the weight. Nobody forced or made me do it. And it feels really different. I chose to get healthy. It's really empowering.

It's also really challenging. When I was under supervision of nurses or whatever staff in inpatient programs, I could blame those people for my feeling so miserable. I could tell myself "I'm being forced to eat, it's not my fault I feel so miserable." This time around, I was the one to blame for my misery. I was forcing myself to eat. I was choosing the food. I was eating more than everyone around me because that's what I needed. I blamed myself for my misery. But I started feeling proud too.

Refeeding is a horrible process. This time around when I started eating again I got really really constipated and had a blockage and was vomiting because I was in so much pain. I had to take magnesium citrate and I almost ended up in the ER. My legs swelled up like balloons at night. My nails and hair were breaking and falling out. This is all part of the refeeding process, and this is the first time I got through it without tubes down my nose, without IVs, without ending up in the hospital. I chose to get healthy. And after the first few weeks of misery I did start feeling proud. I remember the first meal I ate where I wasn't in agony after. I celebrated. I laughed and cheered myself on, so proud that I'd gotten over the initial refeeding hurdle. I did it.

Now, my body has adjusted to eating. My acid reflux is much MUCH better and I don't feel like I'm going to get sick if I lean over after eating. I am not dizzy when I stand up and I have the energy to walk and even run. I am starting to enjoy eating (Just a little right now) especially things that taste good.. I've allowed myself to have chocolate again and it's amazing! I, in general, don't have the urge to purge after meals anymore. If I don't eat enough throughout the day I start feeling bing-y but I know that if I follow my meal plan that urge doesn't come up. So the past two days I have followed my meal plan 100%. I know it might mean my weight will go up. But it's ok. I'll deal with it.

Basically, it is possible to get better. If you'd asked me how I was doing three months ago, I would have said I was miserable. Now, at least most of the time, I am content and happy to wake up in the morning. Actually I am RELIEVED to wake up in the morning because for a long time I worried I just would go to sleep and not wake up... but here I am. Alive and kicking.

NEVER stop fighting.

How to beat urges and anxiety

Just finished my 3pm snack... by this time of the day I start to get pretty uncomfortable. It feels like everything I've eaten is just piling up in my stomach, and there's nothing I can do to feel better. The urge to have behaviors skyrockets. I guess the worst time is after dinner... but right now I'm feeling really anxious. All I want to do is go to the store, buy a gallon of ice cream, and drown my sorrows.

Makes no sense right? Feeling full to the brim, yet dying to binge. I know it's emotional, not physical hunger. I am physically full. Emotionally, I don't know where I'm at. So the question is what can one do to soothe him/herself when feeling really high anxiety and panic? I'm going to list all the ones I can think of. If you have ideas on how to reduce anxiety in a healthy way, please share!!

1. color
2. draw
3. write
4. read - get lost in a book
5. listen to music
6. watch a movie or tv show
7. bake (as long as it's not triggering)
8. go for a gentle walk
9. stretch
10. do yoga
11. go on pinterest
12. chat with a friend
13. surf the internet
14. play a musical instrument (I play guitar, flute, and piano)
15. sing karaoke
16. Take a hot shower or bath (if you feel safe)
17. start a blog :)
18. Watch silly youtube videos
19. go out in nature - feed ducks, go to a lake, go for a hike, etc.
20. do an art project - make bracelets, do origami, paint pottery... the ideas are endless!

 So basically there are healthy things to do instead of restrict/binge/purge/overexercise/cutting. There are SO MANY healthy ways to distract and cope with anxiety. To all my nonexistent readers; Thank you for giving me this space to share my thoughts and work through my feelings. I will work through these feelings.

Time for a new wardrobe

It's time for new clothes - or at least clothes I haven't worn in a while. My clothes still fit me - actually they fit better than they did a couple weeks ago, but they just don't look the same. They don't fit right. They are fitted now, instead of baggy. My stomach is swollen and puffy, my legs and feet are retaining water and it's uncomfortable. I need new clothes to wear.

I could sit in a pile on the floor and cry that my clothes aren't right anymore. Or I can get excited! New clothes to wear.... who doesn't want a new set of clothes!

While you're in recovery don't measure yourself with clothes. Wear things that are comfortable and make you feel good. Don't worry about sizes, focus on getting healthy. Bloating is normal, uncomfortable, but normal. Don't let it throw you off.
None of my clothes fit - oh well. It is what it is.
I am getting healthy. And that's what matters. I will get used to my body's changes. I will

For now it's baggy sweaters and leggings! I can rock that!

How do YOU deal with body changes??

There's just more of me to love

So it feels like I've gained 20 lbs in the past week...
Logically I know that isn't possible... but I look SO different.
Maybe I'm just swollen and bloated? I'm told I need to just ride it out... let my body adjust. But it does NOT feel good. I feel ginormous. Like a blimp, a balloon, really huge.

I read an article, and it really challenged the thoughts I've been having. Basically agreement that the beginning of recovery, refeeding, SUCKS. It really does. Nobody has an easy time at the beginning of treatment. I've gone through this process before, but always in a hospital setting where it wasn't my choice, I was being instructed by nurses, staff, etc. It felt like I HAD to eat, that I didn't have the choice. I was feeing miserable but it wasn't my fault. I could blame whichever program I was in. Now I'm gaining outpatient, with support, but it's MY choice whether I'm going to gain weight and get healthy. And for some reason that's harder to accept. I can't place the blame on anyone other than myself.

And I suppose I shouldn't "blame" myself for anything, because I am choosing to be healthy and that's a great thing!! Yes, I'm uncomfortable now but it will get better if I'm patient.

Another part of this article was about "redefining weight gain."
Instead of seeing it as losing a body you worked so hard to attain, try to see it as acquiring a new body that will allow you to participate in life. Because the truth is that eating disorders prevent you from truly living. You’re alive, but you aren’t really able to engage in life. You’re numb and withdrawn. You aren’t able to be present and enjoy the moment. Your time and energy are so consumed by eating disorder thoughts and behaviors that you have no time and energy for friendship, family, love, or fun. You lose everything for the sake of maintaining your thinness. And that is not really living.

My body is getting and will get bigger... but my life will get bigger too! Suffering from an eating disorder is not really living... it's barely surviving. I want to truly LIVE, to be truly healthy and happy, and that means gaining weight. End of story. So I have to ask myself which is more important? Being small and miserable, or being bigger but happy and healthy? I think I choose the second option. No, I don't think, I know I want to be happy and healthy.
My life has been hard and sometimes, most of the time actually, I don't feel that I deserve a happy life. But every person and animal on this earth deserves to have a happy life. I am a person, therefore I count.

I really need to work on my positive self-talk. Instead of constant "I'm ugly, I'm a failure" I need to reframe and start being more positive. It doesn't have to be about looks. I am strong. I am brave. I am enough... all those affirmations that are so hard to believe at first.

You deserve to be happy and healthy. What are you willing to do to get there?

I just can't do this

I can't do this.
My stomach is bloated out a mile and a half.
My legs are swollen and enormous.
I'm crying in a ball.
If this is recovery - why do I want it??? What's the point if I'm going to be miserable?? I could purge right now and feel 100000 times better. All the hard work I've put into eating down the toilet. I could just lean over and throw up everything I've eaten today.
But I'm not going to do this.
I am going to be strong.
I just have to eat a sandwich for snack - pb and banana (yum). And then I'm done. And I can crawl under the covers and wake up new tomorrow. All I have left is that one snack.
I can do this.

I've been in recovery before - I've gone through this process. And it's hard as hell. It's painful and embarrassing. There's gas and bloating and constipation and swelling. It's not pretty. But it DOES go away eventually. It takes a few weeks. A few weeks of MISERY. But it DOES get better.
I can do this.

I will curl up and breathe through the discomfort.
I am determined to get past this difficult time.
To my non-existent readers: thank you for letting me share my pain.
I won't let you or myself down.
I can do this.

Need to find motivation

I promised myself I would keep all my food down today and it just hasn't happened. Got sick after breakfast, and lunch. But I didn't get everything up and now I feel guilty as hell. So guilty. So much shame. In just the few days I've bloated and ballooned out. I feel ENORMOUS. My stomach is puffy, my whole body feels puffy. It's horrible. Clothes already look different on me, my legs are bigger. And it's just been a few days.
What if I continue gaining like this? True I will reach my goal weight in no time. Reaching my goal weight, being healthy... I want it SO badly. I want to be healthy. But it scares the crap out of me. Gaining weight will mean my clothes will fit again, but I don't WANT them to fit. I want them to hang off of me. I want to be non existent, I want to be small. I want to look like a little girl, I don't want a woman's body.
So how do I move forward from here. So many emotions, extreme emotions, I want to lose the weight and I want to lose it NOW. I want my stomach to be flat, I want the gap between my legs. It all seems so sick... I know it sounds horrible... and the worst part is I don't know WHY I want to look that way. I want to be healthy and strong and confident and well, not sick and in the hospital. I don't want IVs and feeding tubes and heart monitors. I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.
So I am making a commitment. No more purging today. Spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I will keep it down. And snack, I will keep it down. I need to give my body the time to adjust. The bloating will go down, I will start feeling better. I just need to give my body time. I hate waiting for my body to play catch up. But I will never get better if I'm not patient and kind to the body. And it's just a huge waste of time, waiting around after meals to sneak off and purge. I can do other things with my time. Color, make bracelets, write, read, watch a TV show. There are so many healthy and wonderful things to do with my time.
Need to find motivation.
Never, ever, ever give up.