Need to find motivation

I promised myself I would keep all my food down today and it just hasn't happened. Got sick after breakfast, and lunch. But I didn't get everything up and now I feel guilty as hell. So guilty. So much shame. In just the few days I've bloated and ballooned out. I feel ENORMOUS. My stomach is puffy, my whole body feels puffy. It's horrible. Clothes already look different on me, my legs are bigger. And it's just been a few days.
What if I continue gaining like this? True I will reach my goal weight in no time. Reaching my goal weight, being healthy... I want it SO badly. I want to be healthy. But it scares the crap out of me. Gaining weight will mean my clothes will fit again, but I don't WANT them to fit. I want them to hang off of me. I want to be non existent, I want to be small. I want to look like a little girl, I don't want a woman's body.
So how do I move forward from here. So many emotions, extreme emotions, I want to lose the weight and I want to lose it NOW. I want my stomach to be flat, I want the gap between my legs. It all seems so sick... I know it sounds horrible... and the worst part is I don't know WHY I want to look that way. I want to be healthy and strong and confident and well, not sick and in the hospital. I don't want IVs and feeding tubes and heart monitors. I want to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.
So I am making a commitment. No more purging today. Spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I will keep it down. And snack, I will keep it down. I need to give my body the time to adjust. The bloating will go down, I will start feeling better. I just need to give my body time. I hate waiting for my body to play catch up. But I will never get better if I'm not patient and kind to the body. And it's just a huge waste of time, waiting around after meals to sneak off and purge. I can do other things with my time. Color, make bracelets, write, read, watch a TV show. There are so many healthy and wonderful things to do with my time.
Need to find motivation.
Never, ever, ever give up.