Meltdown

One of my housemates is an older woman, set in her ways, pretty bitter . She makes constant mean comments about my food - about how much I'm eating. I realize I eat a lot. But it's what my body needs right now. I know I should ignore her comments but they just really hurt my feelings. Makes me want to cry.
"Oooooh you eat so much!" "How could someone eat so much?" "I could never eat all that!"
You get the point.

So after a total meltdown, switching to much younger parts, and trying to get out the door to go to the store to buy binge foods and laxatives, I have calmed down. Why do I allow people to get to me in that way? Yes, I'm eating a lot. No, it's not too much. Yes, it's what my body needs. Yes, it's temporary. No, I'm not a fat pig. Yes, I am doing the right thing. I should KNOW these things. Instead my mind goes to very dark places... that I don't deserve to eat. That I'm worthless. That I have no friends. That I'm stupid and ugly and a waste of space... that our suicide attempt should have worked.

It's sad that I get in this space. And it's my younger parts that go there. Poor Polly, who's seven years old, feels that she is ugly and shouldn't be alive. No seven year old should feel such things. Nobody should feel those things.

So how do I pick myself back up from here? Well I ate dinner, followed through with my meal plan, and that's step one. Step two will be eating snack tonight. Another step, which we did, is reaching out for support. We were honest that we wanted to go to the store instead of just sneaking out. As much as we want to be destructive, we also want to stay on the right path and do the right thing.
And doing the right thing, right now, feels really uncomfortable. Let's face it NO ONE wants to gain weight and go through the process of clothes not fitting, feeling bloated and swollen.. it's miserable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So we will listen to music from Frozen to cheer us up. Cuddle stuffed animals - as silly as it sounds, it's comforting for my younger parts. Maybe read some books we got from the library, maybe just watch a funny TV show. We will take care of the body... as much as we want to bang our head and bite our arms we will stay safe. Stay on the right track.
Because we do deserve to get healthy.
Every person deserves to be healthy.

Never stop fighting.