There's just more of me to love

So it feels like I've gained 20 lbs in the past week...
Logically I know that isn't possible... but I look SO different.
Maybe I'm just swollen and bloated? I'm told I need to just ride it out... let my body adjust. But it does NOT feel good. I feel ginormous. Like a blimp, a balloon, really huge.

I read an article, and it really challenged the thoughts I've been having. Basically agreement that the beginning of recovery, refeeding, SUCKS. It really does. Nobody has an easy time at the beginning of treatment. I've gone through this process before, but always in a hospital setting where it wasn't my choice, I was being instructed by nurses, staff, etc. It felt like I HAD to eat, that I didn't have the choice. I was feeing miserable but it wasn't my fault. I could blame whichever program I was in. Now I'm gaining outpatient, with support, but it's MY choice whether I'm going to gain weight and get healthy. And for some reason that's harder to accept. I can't place the blame on anyone other than myself.

And I suppose I shouldn't "blame" myself for anything, because I am choosing to be healthy and that's a great thing!! Yes, I'm uncomfortable now but it will get better if I'm patient.

Another part of this article was about "redefining weight gain."
Instead of seeing it as losing a body you worked so hard to attain, try to see it as acquiring a new body that will allow you to participate in life. Because the truth is that eating disorders prevent you from truly living. You’re alive, but you aren’t really able to engage in life. You’re numb and withdrawn. You aren’t able to be present and enjoy the moment. Your time and energy are so consumed by eating disorder thoughts and behaviors that you have no time and energy for friendship, family, love, or fun. You lose everything for the sake of maintaining your thinness. And that is not really living.

My body is getting and will get bigger... but my life will get bigger too! Suffering from an eating disorder is not really living... it's barely surviving. I want to truly LIVE, to be truly healthy and happy, and that means gaining weight. End of story. So I have to ask myself which is more important? Being small and miserable, or being bigger but happy and healthy? I think I choose the second option. No, I don't think, I know I want to be happy and healthy.
My life has been hard and sometimes, most of the time actually, I don't feel that I deserve a happy life. But every person and animal on this earth deserves to have a happy life. I am a person, therefore I count.

I really need to work on my positive self-talk. Instead of constant "I'm ugly, I'm a failure" I need to reframe and start being more positive. It doesn't have to be about looks. I am strong. I am brave. I am enough... all those affirmations that are so hard to believe at first.

You deserve to be happy and healthy. What are you willing to do to get there?